Happy belated New Year! This chapter is up later than I wanted but it's been a pretty hectic week. Luckily I managed to finish this chapter and I'm just late getting this up.

Chapter 17: Words of Wisdom from a Wounded Soul

I leaned against the wall, staying further away from the edge this time. If my head got to be too much, I didn't want to risk the chance of falling off the ledge. I placed my hand over my grazed arm. It had been wrapped but it ached more than I thought it should. I assumed it was because my body was exhausted. I hadn't had a proper rest in ages—literally. I spent most of my time sleeping in a dank, dirty cell, or on the hard ground. Neither made it easy to sleep well. But I wouldn't complain as I know the others' situations were the same as mine.

I sighed and stared across the field and into the woods. It was calming, peaceful, and exactly what I needed at that moment. I had some peace and quiet with fresh air. While my head was still pounding, it felt much better after sitting outside for only a few moments.

It too frustrating for me to stay inside to relax, waiting to see if someone else wanted to lecture me. Susan and Edmund had been oddly quiet, barely saying anything to me and I wondered if they agreed with everything their brother had done. It was obvious Lucy did not and she was the only one who seemed to care about my opinion. Caspian was constantly butting heads with Peter, disapproving of everything along the way. But while he disagreed, he hadn't seemed interested in my advice.

Birds chirped in the distance and the wind blew, ruffling the leaves. I took it all in, enjoying the sounds of nature in a way I hadn't in years. It was hard to appreciate it all when you were trapped in a cell inside castle walls. All the sounds you heard were from people during the day. At night, the city was asleep and crickets chirped, the only natural sounds one could hear. But being outside castle walls made everything sound different. It sounded better, freer.

My peaceful moment was interrupted by approaching footsteps. I knew exactly who they belonged to and held back a sigh. I was frustrated with him and didn't want to be bothered by anyone. I wasn't sure what I could say or even what he would. As they drew closer, the person suddenly stopped. It told me they were not looking for me—had been surprised to see I was there—and I glanced over my shoulder. Caspian had a strange look on his face that I couldn't read—I didn't know him as well as the others.

He blinked a few times. "Oh. My apologies... I didn't realize you'd be here. I'll just—I... um... I'll leave," he stuttered out, turning to go back inside the How.
"No, it's fine," I said, halting him in his steps. "I'm leaving soon. I'm not actually supposed to be out here and if Lucy finds out, she'll be sure to strap me to a cot until she deems me well enough." I tried to lighten the air between us, sensing some tension. Caspian smiled a little and I considered myself successful.
"I won't tell her," he promised with a grin.

I stood up as he approached the ledge, meaning to leave him alone. But he reached out to stop me before I could. His hand brushed my injury and I tried to hold back the wince. He either made the choice not to say anything or hadn't noticed as his next words were unexpected.

"I messed up, Ana. I'm sorry. I put the Narnians, the Kings, Queens, and you in danger," he stated with remorse in his eyes. "Half our army is dead because I was blinded by rage. If I had just gone to the gatehouse like I was supposed to, we could've kept the element of surprise. I let my grief and anger at what my uncle had done drive my actions. I should've never tried to kill him. And I can't apologize to the Narnians, but I feel like I owe it to you. You tried to stop me and I didn't listen. I'm sorry. I wish..." he sighed. "I wish I could change how I acted in that moment, but I can't. Narnians are dead because of me."

Hearing him so apologetic and blaming himself made all my frustration with him dissipate. I had to say something. "You cannot shoulder the blame. Yes, it's true that if you stuck to the plan, things wouldn't have happened as they did. But we knew going in it was a risky plan. And when we lost the element of surprise, Peter could've called off the raid. But he pushed for it, only Aslan knows why. He deserves just as much blame, if not more," I told him, still upset that Peter had chosen to take the failure out on me. "And while you were blinded by rage, you didn't kill your uncle. I wouldn't have let you. Doing an act like that changes you and I couldn't let that happen. There's something about you... something that tells me you will be a good King. And I promise to do whatever it takes to get you on the throne."

He sent me a sad smile. "I don't believe I'm ready for the responsibility. I can't even keep my own anger in check."
"Well, neither can I at the moment," I told him. "So you're in good company." He frowned, unsure why I said that.

Silence passed between us, neither one knowing what to say next. I'm not sure how long it lasted, but He finally released his grip on my arm. I made to walk away again when he spoke. This time, it was along the lines of what I thought he was going to say earlier.

"About before... With the witch," he said slowly, and I waited for him to finish. "I truly didn't mean to bring her back. Nikabrik tricked me into thinking it was my only option. I just wanted my uncle to pay for what he had done. I realized too late that it was a horrible mistake. You were so angry... You hid it well but based on what I could see, I knew more had to be hiding below the surface. I'm sorry. It was not the way to do things."
I pursed my lips, unsure exactly what to say. "She would've done more harm than good. Sure, she probably would've killed your uncle and removed him from the throne. But she would turn on you as well. As long as you were alive, there is someone with a legitimate claim to her throne. You would die and Narnia would be plunged into darkness."
"I know," he sighed. "Believe me when I tell you it wasn't what I wanted."
"I do believe that... Everyone makes mistakes. The important thing is that we learn from them. We must keep our faith in Aslan or we have no hope of winning this war for the throne."
Caspian nodded in agreement and a calm silence passed between us. Then, almost hesitantly, "So... am I forgiven?"
"Of course," I smiled. "Unforgiveness leaves a person feeling bitter and angry. As much as I would like to stay angry at you and Peter, I cannot. Not only for the Narnians' sake but for mine as well. So by Aslan's Grace, I have forgiven you. Now you must forgive yourself."
He nodded and looked away, out into the distance. "Thank you," he whispered.

I smiled and left, heading back to the infirmary, hopefully before anyone noticed I was gone. Before I left, I saw Caspian sit alongside the ledge, much like I had done. He looked sad and disappointed—with himself maybe?—and I knew he wished to be left alone. Without a word, I headed back inside to give the Prince the quiet he needed. Hopefully, he would return with a clearer head and we could work together to vanquish the threat.

~Prince Caspian~

As I headed back through the hall, I ran into Professor Cornelius. He appeared to be looking for the Prince and I hesitated on telling him where he was. But I realized that he probably needed a close friend so I instructed Cornelius on where he could find him. He thanked me and then we went our separate ways.

Quietly, I slipped back into the infirmary and returned to my cot. I had no doubt they had noticed my absence but I hoped it would not be reported to Lucy. The last thing I needed was a lecture so I decided to at least try and rest. I realized it was rather futile—my body was exhausted but my mind was too active—but Lucy, nor Susan for that matter, could chide me on my health if I at least tried.

But as it was, I did not get any sleep as the two Queens quietly approached. Though my back was to them, I still recognized their footsteps and didn't need to turn around to see them. They must've thought I was asleep, however, because shortly after they reached me I heard their footsteps start to retreat. I rolled over to face them and Lucy reached out to stop her sister when she saw my face.

"You're awake!" she exclaimed, quietly.
"I can't sleep," I answered. "But I have been trying to."
"After wandering off?" Lucy asked cheekily.
"To get some fresh air," I told her. "I won't deny that. It's too... constricting in here."
"I'm sorry," Lucy stated, "but it is for your own good. You're of no use to us if you're going to collapse on your feet." I nodded in understanding, glad she wasn't pushing the issue.

There was silence for a moment, then Susan spoke.
"What were you thinking, Ana?" she asked.
"What do you mean?" I responded, confused. "I just explained why I left."
"Not that," she shook her head in dismissal. "When Glenstorm took me away, you were supposed to come with us. Peter's orders, but you moved away, into the fight."

I tried to hold back a sigh as I sat up on the cot. Peter had already yelled at me for doing that exact thing. I had hoped I wouldn't have to worry about it from them as well. But for them, it was at least different. Susan was asking out of concern and worry for my wellbeing. Peter had asked out of the anger and frustration that his plan had failed.

"Peter already talked to you about it, didn't he?" Lucy correctly surmised.
"Well... there wasn't much talking involved," I told them.
"What do you mean?" Susan inquired. I sent her a look that told her all she needed to know. "Oh... You mean he yelled and didn't actually wait for an explanation?"
"I could barely get a word in." I sighed. "But I suppose I deserved it. I disobeyed a direct order and acted carelessly in the face of battle. He ordered me to leave but I chose to stay behind. Letting the Narnians down once was enough for me so I wasn't going to leave them alone to die. It was important to me that I stayed with them, that I was the last to leave. Even if I didn't make it, they had to know I wasn't going to give up on them again. Maybe if I had followed orders, Peter wouldn't have a reason to be mad at me. But it seemed that no matter what I did, he was angry with me. So I took the chance. What did I do to make him hate me so much?"

Both girls were silent for a moment and I wasn't sure how they would react. I had just let slip everything that was on my mind. Everything spilled out of me and I didn't mean for them to hear how frustrated I was with their brother. I didn't mean for them to know how guilty I felt for surviving the invasion. I wasn't the type of person to just open up and tell someone what was going on with me emotionally. But that's exactly what I had done. Maybe I had just been keeping everything in for too long.

"Nothing. Ana. You have done nothing wrong. It's not you," Susan tried to console.
"No!" I disagreed, still frustrated with why he was so angry towards me. "I had to have done something. He's never berated me like this before. Never this hostile towards me. He'd lecture me on occasion, but usually out of concern."

Edmund had entered a few moments before, but he just so happened to be within earshot when I said those things. All three exchanged looks between them that I couldn't read and I attributed that to the headache that had returned.

"Ana," Edmund began, "look... It's not you. Peter's just... He hasn't been the same since we left. He—"
"He's not the only one who was affected by your sudden disappearance," I stated, cutting him off. I was trying to keep from lashing out but I just needed this conversation to be over with. "Please don't defend his actions. Whatever happened, doesn't excuse what he's done. To the Narnians or me. I can deal with him taking his frustration out on me, but I can't have him heedlessly risking their lives." I looked at each of them critically and saw that they agreed.
"We weren't going to defend him," Lucy said.
"Peter has been unusually harsh with you. Any quarrels you two had were usually dealt with in private," Edmund explained. "But he seems content on doing so publicly."
"We just wanted to make sure you were alright," Susan continued, "and explain where some of his bitterness is coming from. It doesn't excuse his actions, but it helps to know you're not the only one he seems particularly angry with."
I was quiet for a moment, letting that settle in. "Perhaps I should apologize... I may have lost my temper a bit last time we talked. Maybe I should be the one to try and make things better between us."

I made to stand up, only to stumble back down onto the cot. The dizziness had returned. Lucy held out her arms to guide my back while both Susan and Edmund watched with barely concealed concern.

"You can do that after you've rested for a bit," she chided. "You can barely stand. No doubt exhaustion is playing a part, but head injuries are serious, Ana."
"I know," I sighed. "I just hate being forced to stay put, especially at a time like this."
"We won't go to war without you, Ana," Edmund smirked. "We would be fools to do so. Rest while you can and we'll send someone to fetch you should anything dire occur. Or Lucy herself might come. I swear in Aslan's name to send for you."
I let out a small smile. "Well, if you promise Your Majesty, I suppose I have no choice but to obey. I will do my best to rest and stay put. But I can't guarantee how long it will last."
"We just want to make sure you're safe," Susan said.
"And I have a duty to make sure you all are."

They nodded in understanding. Then, after another order to rest, the three departed. I was left alone with my thoughts and eventually, the lack of sleep caught up to me. I drifted off, listening to the soft putter of hooves on the ground and patients' breathing.

As I slept, I was aware when somebody approached the cot. They would make sure I was fine, and shake me awake to answer questions. Usually, it was one of the two Narnians working as physicians but on one occasion it was Lucy. After they were satisfied with my answers, they ordered me back to sleep. I would fall into a dreamless sleep, never waking until someone woke me up to check on me.

The next thing I was aware of was running footsteps. I sat up slowly and looked around. No one was currently present and a few Narnians hurried past the entrance—some going one way and even more returning. Frowning, I debated getting up and following after them. But I decided to listen carefully and heard no sounds of fighting. I was still curious and had just stood up when I remembered Edmund's promise. He had promised in Aslan's name so he wouldn't break it. If he hadn't sent someone to wake me, then it wasn't anything important.

Still, it took some convincing before I finally settled back down on the cot. I believed that Edmund would not go back on his word and would send for me should something happen. So, I decided to continue resting in order to regain my strength for the impending battle. However, I had no sooner started to doze off when a familiar set of footsteps came running into the room.

"Ana!" Lucy cried from the entryway as she quickly entered so as not to wake the other patients. I turned to face her immediately. "Come quickly. The Telmarines are on our doorstep and Peter's gathering up our best warriors and advisors. You have to join us. Please. I'll promise that Peter will listen to any suggestions you have."

I didn't respond but quickly removed myself from the cot. Gathering up my weapons and armor—that had been discarded so I could rest—I joined Lucy and quickly left the infirmary. Then the two of us hurried down the hall to join the others. A battle was imminent, but if Peter was finally willing to listen to others, we might actually stand a chance. I knew as long as we were doing Aslan's will, nothing could stop us.