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Chapter 8

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Kurt had plugged his phone in the second Blaine walked out the door and he paced the spare space in the loft the entire time Blaine was gone. His phone pealed off and Kurt answered it instantly without even looking at the caller ID. It was Elliot and he explained what happened but Elliot seemed more confused than ever about what that conversation was really about and Kurt thanked Elliot for letting him know and apologized for Blaine. Elliot verbally waved it off.

Kurt waited patiently for Blaine to return home.

He didn't.

Kurt looked at the clock, he was supposed to leave to go to work at the diner in a couple of hours but he called in sick instead. He had to be home for when Blaine got back and he really wasn't feeling good enough after drinking and without sleep and all the anxiety this last fight had caused within Kurt. Oh god, what if Blaine left Elliot and found a random hookup? That had been at the heart of his worry about Blaine's move to NYC and new-found freedom that Kurt had given him, that he'd find the life so exciting that he left Kurt for all the random guys he could find and then maybe one that was more exciting than Kurt would finally get him to settle down. Would he be able to survive another betrayal like that?

Not only hadn't he done anything to deserve it this time but he was finally at that point where he trusted Blaine again. He was feeling affectionate again in a way that he had held himself back from because those little actions meant so much more than the uncontrollable passion and chemistry and desire. Lust was what carried them through the rough patches but it was love and affection that healed their relationship in the quieter moments.

Kurt had started talking about wedding planning today with Elliot and was actually excited about it again. He felt ready for it now, he was in a good place. He'd always known that he would marry Blaine and they'd be happy together, always but they were both Divas and dramatic and so it wouldn't always be smooth sailing.

He hadn't taken into account just how damaged Blaine really was and how much he could hurt Kurt and he had, more than Kurt even realized but he knew they were meant to be and nobody would ever come close to how he felt about Blaine or how Blaine felt about him. Blaine was his soulmate and his one and only, his ride or die. He hadn't gone as far with Adam and he had almost gone further with Cody but he'd tied him up instead and stolen their stuff rather than sleep with Kurt. Kurt was scarred more than he'd realized by Blaine's betrayal, he had not allowed another man that close other than friendship and a little bit of play.

He didn't know if the other men he'd attempted even the most basic stuff with could see that too and hadn't wanted him in return or pushed or if he was just not attractive enough to sleep with. He had wanted to go slow with Adam since he was still in love with Blaine and was trying to get over him. Kurt had never logged into any quick hookup apps. He had taken a moment to realize that he never would, no matter how much Blaine hurt him or how angry Kurt got with him.

Nobody would have looked at Blaine and thought that he was damaged, he seemed so put together. A little pouty or clingy sometimes but put together. Even after talking to him at length you knew there was something in his past but not to the extent that he'd acted out with. Kurt knew there was a lot to unpack but even then he had thought that Blaine would be honest and loyal like Kurt had been. He'd acted out in self-sabotage against what he professed was the best thing that ever happened to him.

As the clock ticked passed 8 am, Kurt was starting to get really worried about him and wondered if he would ever return home.

Rachel stumbled out of her room and kissed Kurt on the cheek and said it would be ok and if it wasn't, she would be here and would be back tonight at 11 pm to lean on her if he needed. He nodded dumbly and she gave him one last hug before she hurried out to get to work then to the theater afterward.

Kurt wasn't sure if he somehow fell asleep on the couch for a few minutes here and there but he was on his feet before the door to the loft opened around 10. Kurt didn't care, his arms were around Blaine and his head was on Blaine's chest the second he was through the door and Blaine wrapped his arms around Kurt tightly.

"I'm so sorry." Blaine sobbed into Kurt's hair and Kurt tensed thinking it was going to be another confession of cheating. "I can't believe I went off like that, I'm so sorry that I went off the handle and I'm sorry to Elliot too but more than anything I'm so sorry that I've put you through hell so often."

"What are you talking about?" Kurt pulled away, fearful of what Blaine was going to say.

Blaine sat them down on the couch and explained what he finally understood about himself and promised to work on it with his therapist, on his own, with others and with Kurt. He realized just how damaged he was too. Kurt asked what he was dreading, trying to learn why it took Blaine so long to get home and he said that Elliot called him hours ago after Blaine left. "No, I just walked and walked and walked until I got home to you. My direction was clear but I needed my brain to catch up and get through all the problems I laid at your feet when you'd done nothing to deserve it but had only done the right and smart things in this relationship."

"I didn't, not always." Kurt argued. "I'm sure I could have handled a few things better."

"No, you were protecting yourself and with good reason, I'd done the unthinkable and you didn't keep throwing it in my face, you just needed more time and I'm sorry I pressured you so much to take me back and commit further when I hadn't done enough to apologize or prove myself and my improvement on myself that would convince you that I wouldn't do it again. I had only promised and I meant my promise and I've kept it but that wasn't enough for you and with good reason."

Kurt shook his head. "I should have just thrown myself in, it wasn't fair to you that I held back so much of myself and made you worry about my feelings for you. I'm sorry I've held myself back so much. I've always known that I was going to marry you and love you forever but I was too frightened to let go, too scared to see what was in front of me and all that you were trying to tell me and do for me."

"You were the scapegoat to all that had happened in my life and I had panicked. I had attacked rather than allow myself to be hurt but I only ended up hurting both of us and you never deserved it. If I had those insecurities, I should have done the adult thing and broken up with you so I could find comfort with others without hurting you as much. I clung and depended on you more than you deserved, you are also very young and I pushed too much and too hard and when I didn't get everything I wanted, I lashed out rather than talked to you. I punished you for my shortcomings, seeing if I could prove myself correct and push you away, see you walk away like everyone else. Even if you had made another choice anywhere along the way, who knows if I would have done anything differently short of move in with you the second I feared losing you, feared you pushing me away. You made adult decisions and you could have easily had chosen the easy solutions or the gut reactions but you weren't willing to break things off with me completely, you were hurt but wanted to help me through my problems, be there for me. You kept your word, you never said goodbye to me." Blaine took Kurt's face between his hands. "I'm so sorry, and I'm going to work on it every day of my life and I hope you will help me."

"Of course I will." Kurt placed his hands over Blaine's. "I'm never going to leave you. I'm not going to like everything you do or say, I'm sure you can say the same back but no one else will ever be close to what you and I have. You're my person."

"I love you so much it hurts sometimes and I always fear that you're going to become wise to the fact that I'm not perfect and decide it costs too much to stay with me."

"I was taught that lesson pretty well." Kurt didn't want to hurt Blaine with that comment but it was true. "But like you said a long time ago, you promised to love how imperfectly perfect I was and I return that full heartily."

"I'm pretty sure how perfectly imperfect you were." Blaine teased.

"Same difference, I promise both."

"I promise both too." Blaine said instantly.

Kurt believed him, he really did. He nodded and leaned forward to kiss Blaine full on the mouth.

"If you want a long engagement, I'll support it." Blaine said and Kurt smiled slightly.

"You've convinced me to throw caution to the wind. I was thinking on the way home that I can't keep dragging my feet, part of our issues was my lack of commitment which isn't really how I feel and it was causing you to worry and fear the health of this relationship and our future. My lack of commitment caused a lot of anxiety in both of us. It's been over a year and you've been nothing but patient and supportive and the best boyfriend and fiance a guy could ever have. I need to dive in and show you just how committed I truly am, I've been too cautious and it started even before you cheated and I just wanted to let you decide that you really did want me, rather than being stuck with me as one of the only other out guys or out of comfort."

"Kurt, that's what I was thinking and I felt like you only had me as the only choice and any day you would wake up and realize you had other options out there."

"We were lucky enough to find each other." Kurt's fingers wrapped around Blaine's. "I really am serious, I'm not plagued by my old fears of you cheating on me again, not worried that you're going to gut me like that again." He'd had a moment of panic today just because it was so late before Blaine got back but he believed Blaine when he said it was just because he walked all the way back. It had been a momentary fear but Blaine back and alive and well and having the first really honest conversation in months, Kurt could do nothing but believe him and was ready to plunge in and trust that everything would work out ok between them as long as they kept talking.

"What about Junior Year's external job out of state?" Blaine asked skeptically, Kurt could tell that he was trying not to hope too strongly.

Marriage would have been a commitment that Kurt wouldn't take lightly and Blaine would be assured by that ring on both their fingers and may be able to handle time and distance between them because Kurt couldn't actually run away or leave him when things got hard, he would have that to look at and remember that Kurt had made the ultimate commitment to him and feel secure for once while apart. Yet that couldn't and wouldn't be the only thing holding them together, reassuring Blaine. Kurt would tell him every day too, whether they were in person or on the phone. Blaine didn't need marriage anymore to show him how committed Kurt was to him, he'd never betray Kurt like that again, Kurt had stayed with him through everything, everything he could have done to push Kurt away, even be too clingy, Kurt had been patient and worked through things with him, even if he let his annoyance fly at times, he'd been honest and there and there for Blaine, trying to understand and help or just listen.

"It's suggested to leave the state but maybe I can convince them that since we're from out of state that instate would be more beneficial. If I have to, I'll travel to and from another state or we can move somewhere in between if it's just too far."

Blaine nodded, he liked that idea Kurt could see. "And I'll do the same when it's my turn."

They held each other's hand tightly as they realized what each was saying. They were both now ready to get married and while they knew it wouldn't be the last fight, it was the last one that was roadblocking their lives together forever. Elliot would never know how beneficial he was to this relationship's catalyst; to understand what they wanted all along and what the other wanted. Of course it all boiled down to what they had already – each other.

Kurt did what he'd wanted to do for months – he got down on one knee and held out his own ring to Blaine. "Will you marry me?"

"Of course." There was no hesitancy or extra motivating factors in either of them now.