Once again thank you so much for your reviews, I appreciate every single one of them! Now this chapter... I'm not 100 % sure it turned out the way I wanted it to. I had this idea for a while and then I found it really hard to actually write it down. And then it ended up being the longest chapter I've written so far. So... I hope you like it!
I also want to say that what is mentioned about the military in this chapter is absolutely NOT my opinion!

Chapter 8

"Good morning Chicago! As you all know, it's Veterans Day today, so before presenting you the news of the day, we would like to thank all those brave men and women that have fought for our freedom and protected our country in the past and those who do in the present or decided to do so in the future…"

The announcement on the morning news made her reach over the table to cover her boyfriend's hand with hers and squeeze it softly. She knew his time in the military wasn't exactly his favorite memory from his life before they had met, but she was proud of him for having been an army ranger nevertheless. When their eyes met and she was sure she had his attention, she mouthed a soundless "I love you", not supposed to say it out loud while they were on duty.

He smiled at her mouthing the same words back, knowing that she knew how he felt about all this. Since they didn't have an open case at the moment, they had taken the time to have breakfast at their favorite coffee shop. They had just about finished their pancakes, fried eggs with bacon and hash browns when their radio went on.

"Shots at a kindergarten on East 46th, close to Gwendolyn Brooks Park!"

They both jumped up from their seats, knowing they were only two blocks away. While they rushed out of the coffee shop, she gave notice that they were headed to the site of the shooting, horrified at the thought of someone firing a gun anywhere near a kindergarten. As soon as they had reached the place, they jumped out of the car, put on their vests and ran towards the building with their guns raised, a screaming woman coming their way.

"Help! Please help! He's at the playground out back, he's shooting at the kids!"

He felt his blood run cold when they made their way to the back of the building. Why would anyone purposely point his gun towards children? Once they reached the playground, he felt like throwing up immediately when he got a glimpse of several small bodies on the ground, terrified screams coming from inside the building. A white man in his mid-fifties was standing in the middle of the playground, close to the slide, still holding a gun in his hand.

"Chicago P.D.! Put the gun down and raise your hands!", she yelled, trying to ignore everything in sight except the guy who was supposedly responsible for this massacre. Instead of following her orders, the man suddenly ducked under the slide, reappearing moments later with a darkhaired girl, holding his gun against her head.

"One step closer and she's dead!" The little girl's eyes were wide with fear.

He stopped in motion, seeing from the corner of his eye that his partner did the same. Both of them still had their guns raised. "She's an innocent little child, she hasn't done anything. Let her go and then we'll talk!", he tried to convince the man who had obviously already shot several innocent children.

The man didn't make a move, still pointing the gun to the approximately five-year-old kid. "Yes, she's an innocent little child. Just like all the innocent little children that get killed by our soldiers abroad every day. Everybody praises what they do, they even have their own national holiday. Nobody ever talks about all the terrible things they do while pretending to protect our country. And nobody cares because the kids dying over there aren't American kids. But they will talk about this! They will talk about American kids being killed in America, and they will care about American kids dying in America. I'm so sick of everybody glorifying the military. Nobody calls them murderers for what they do, but everybody will call me a murderer. This is supposed to open their eyes to the fact that it doesn't matter where kids are killed and that everybody who kills is a murderer."

She didn't have to look at her partner to know that his face had gone pale at the guy's words and that he couldn't be far from losing it. They were obviously dealing with a psychopath and they had to somehow stop him from killing another little girl. "Look, I get your point and we can talk about it more, but first you have to let her go." She reached her hand out for the horrified child, still not leaving the spot she was in.

For about ten seconds, nothing happened at all. Then the man looked him directly in the eye. "I'll let her go if I get her instead", pointing his gun to Erin quickly before holding it back against the girl's head. He felt his heart drop to the ground. They had to protect the child, but there was no way he would put his partner in danger. Before he could say anything though, he saw her slowly putting her gun down to the grass, causing him to hold his breath in horror.

"Okay", she said, her voice not shaking the slightest bit, knowing that her partner had her back. She slowly moved towards the older man, her eyes on the little girl and the gun that was still rested against her head. The moment she saw the guy loosen his grip on the child to reach out for her instead, a shot ripped through the silence and she felt the girl's body against hers, hearing her terrified screams.

"Are you okay?", she gasped, seeing from the corner of her eye that the offender was lying on the ground with a gun wound on the side of his forehead, his eyes wide open. As she had expected, Jay had taken advantage of the man being distracted for a split second when trying to exchange the girl for her. "Honey, I got you. It's over, you're safe. You're okay!" She tried to calm down the child that was clinging to her for dear life, her little body shaking from uncontrolled sobs. Knowing that words wouldn't be of much help at the moment, she just held her close, gently stroking her dark hair and her back.

When she looked up, she realized the whole place had filled with other cops and paramedics taking care of the children that had been hit. She turned around to look for her partner, the sobbing girl still in her arms. Concern and pain filled her heart when she saw him still standing in the very same spot from which he had shot the offender to safe her and the child, his eyes blank, staring into nowhere. Slowly, she went over to him, careful not to startle him.

"Jay… Jay?!" Her voice seemed to come from somewhere far away and he didn't realize she was standing right in front of him, a crying kid wrapped up in her arms, until he felt her touch his arm. The panic he had been trying to fight before started to crawl through his veins again. "Erin? Oh my God, are you okay?" His eyes scanned her hectically for any sign of injury.

The panic in his eyes made her gut wrench. "Jay, relax. I'm okay. He didn't even touch me. You got him. You saved us!" She did her best trying to soothingly stroke over his arm while still holding the girl whose sobs had slowly started to ease. Worried about his state of mind, she sought his eyes with hers. When she met his gaze, she asked softly: "Are you okay?"

He was about to nod automatically when he realized it was Erin he was talking to, the woman he loved more than anything, the person he trusted more than anyone in the world. She deserved the truth, so he shook his head slightly, admitting what she already knew anyways – that he was far away from being okay right now. Despite of them being in a public place and her still carrying the girl in her arms, he pulled her into a hug, desperate to feel that she was alive and unharmed. "You shouldn't have done that."

She lifted her head with a questioning look in her eyes. "You mean trying to save her? You would have done the same thing! Plus, I knew you'd have my back." He didn't seem convinced. "But what if he had shot you when you put your gun down? What if…" She saw him swallow hard. "… I had lost you?" Her heart broke together with his voice. "Jay… I'm fine. You weren't going to lose me. I wasn't scared for a second. I knew nothing could happen to me because I knew you were right there with me."

Her words managed to calm him down a little bit, but not all that much. The thought of possible losing her was only one thing that had caught him off guard. There was so much more to this, and he knew he was close to breaking down. He let go of her, knowing that they shouldn't pull to much attention to themselves exchanging deep embraces.

"Baby? I'm worried about you, you really don't seem okay." The girl in her arms had relaxed, her head resting on her shoulder. It seemed like the shock had exhausted her so much that she had fallen asleep. At least she was breathing regularly, which couldn't be said about her partner. She wasn't used to seeing him like this, and it scared her.

"I… I can't… talk about… please… later, okay?", he stammered, hoping she'd understand. If he told her now what was going through his mind, he would lose it for sure. He didn't want her to think he was holding back something from her or didn't trust her. He was relieved when she nodded, not being able to answer when a paramedic interrupted them.

"Did the girl get shot?"

She shook her head. "No, she's fine. She probably has a shock though, but she fell asleep. I can take care of her until her parents come." The paramedic nodded. "Let me just check her vital signs. Just follow me to the ambulance." She did as she was told, looking back over her shoulder to make sure Jay was alright. While the young woman checked the girl's heart rate and oxygen, she dared to ask: "How many…?"

The paramedic shut her eyes for a split second, swallowing hard. "Five kids and one teacher." Erin felt tears well up in her eyes. "Two kids and another teacher are on the way to Med, we don't know yet if they'll make it. Seems like she was the only one out on the playground who didn't get hit by a bullet." The paramedic's words made her press the little survivor of the massacre closer to her. "What a bastard", she pressed through her gritted teeth.

Suddenly she heard a woman's voice scream across the playground. "Meaghan? Oh my God, Meaghan!" She looked up, seeing a darkhaired woman rush towards her, closely followed by a man whose eyes were equally wide with fear. "Is she hurt?" She shook her head. "You're the parents?" The lady who was a little older than herself nodded, reaching out for her daughter. Erin quickly let go of the sleeping child, making sure she was wrapped up safely in her mother's arms.

"I'm Detective Lindsay. Meaghan is fine. I mean, physically she is. From what we know, she probably watched her whole class being shot, and the offender took her hostage before we brought him down." Both parents gasped in horror. "It went over quickly, he didn't hurt her. But you might want to go see a psychologist with her within the next couple of days. There's a lady at Chicago Med, Claudia Dainty she's specialized in traumatized children." The father, who had wrapped his arms around his wife and his still sleeping daughter, nodded. "We will. Thank you for saving her, Detective. I don't want to think about…" She felt her throat tighten at his unfinished sentence, knowing that at least five couples had just suffered the most horrible loss possible.

When she went back to look for her partner, she noticed Hank and Al talking to him. Her foster father pulled her into a tight embrace as soon as she had reached them. "I'm so glad you're okay, kid." His caring words were all it took for her tears to find a way out of her eyes and down her cheeks. "Hank… this is so horrible… how can anyone do this?" The older man pulled away to take her by her shoulders. "We will never know why some people turn into psychopathic killers… we can only try to save as many lives as possible. So try to focus on the little girl you saved instead of the ones you had no chance saving." She nodded slowly, figuring that Jay had filled them in on what had happened and what the murderer had told them about his reasons. Looking at her boyfriend, she noticed that he had regained his composure. Knowing him better than anyone else though, she could easily see in his eyes that he was anything but okay, and it made her heart ache. She could only guess that it had something to do with the mention of the military in all this, but they would have to talk about that later. All she knew was that she would be there for him this time.

He fought hard to not let anybody see what was going on inside of him. When he saw the tears in his girlfriend's eyes, all he wanted was to pull her into his arms, but he was quite sure his boss wouldn't like that. To his great surprise though, the sergeant let go of his foster daughter, gently shoved her towards Jay and gave him a nod, letting him know he should comfort her. Thankful, he wrapped his arms around her, resting his chin on her head, breathing in her scent, the feeling of her chest rising and falling against his body proving to him that she was safe and sound.

"The two of you are going back to the district with me, Al's gonna take your car", she heard Hank say while she was trying to calm down in her partner's arms. Clearly their boss didn't want either of them to drive, and she had to admit that for once, she appreciated him being protective. She still hadn't fully wrapped her mind about what had happened in the last hour, but it had been one of the most horrible crimes she had ever witnessed. It was always hard to deal with kids being involved, but this was simply devastating.

On the car ride back to the district, they didn't talk at all. They were sitting in the back of Hank's car, her head resting against his shoulder. He clenched his fists trying to fight the images the crime and the murderer's words had brought back to his mind. He knew he would have to deal with his memories some time later, but not now. They had to wrap up the case and do all the necessary paperwork.

Two hours later, after the had written down their statements about what the murderer had confessed before Jay had taken him down, Trudy Platt came up to the bullpen. "I just talked to someone at Med. The teacher didn't make it. But the two kids are out of surgery and in stable condition." Erin closed her eyes and sent a silent prayer to God that they would make a full recovery. The terrible massacre had already cost the lives of five children and two teachers, leaving several other kids and teachers severely traumatized.

She went over to the break room to get another coffee, finding Kim and Hailey in there. "Hey… I'm sorry but I'll have to reschedule our girls night out. This was a really tough day, and I need to be with Jay tonight." Her female colleagues nodded in understanding. "You should be with him. Don't worry, we'll find another night later this or next week." Kim stroked her arm reassuringly. "Nothing to be sorry for."

Later that day when they got back home, he felt completely exhausted. It seemed to him as if the happenings of the morning, the fear of his partner being hurt, the memories that had been brought back and him trying to keep his composure had drained out all of his energy. He sat down on the couch to stare at the blank TV screen, not wanting to turn it on. The brutal massacre would probably be all over the news, and he didn't need to be reminded of it again. He heard his girlfriend shuffle around in the kitchen, smiling slightly when she appeared with two cups of tea.

She sat the cups down on the coffee table, her heart aching at the look in his eyes giving away that while he was calm on the outside, a fire was raging inside of him. Sitting down next to him, she pulled her legs up on the couch and wrapped her arms around him, resting her head against his shoulder. She felt him pull her against his chest, holding her safe and tight. For what seemed like an hour, they were just sitting there, being close to each other being more important than anything else after what had happened. She didn't want to push him, but she was hoping for him to open up to her about what was disturbing his mind.

"It was on my second tour", he broke the silence after a while, feeling her startle slightly at the sudden sound of his voice. "There had been information about the head of a group we had been after for a while hiding in that building. Our job was to confirm that it wasn't false information. Once we had spotted him, the building was to be bombed to either kill him or force him to leave his cover so we could capture him. Something went wrong though, and the building next door was hit instead." He swallowed hard, the memories making his blood run cold.

She had been listening to him silently, bracing herself for what he was going to open up to her about. She could feel his struggle to talk about it, causing her to move her head up a little bit and place a soft kiss on his neck, lifting one hand to caress his cheek. Whatever he was about to tell her, she knew it had to be bad.

"Some of our group stayed outside to make sure our target wouldn't escape. The rest of us went inside the destroyed building." He took a deep breath, trying to force back the tears welling up in his eyes. "It was horrible, Erin. I've never witnessed anything worse while being abroad." He felt his voice break, knowing he was close to bursting into tears. "There were about fifteen kids in there, some of them dead, some of them injured and screaming. It had been a secret classroom where a young woman had tried to teach them after their school had been closed due to the war."

She felt her gut wrench at his story, knowing it was about the worst thing that could happen to a soldier. "He was right… you understand?" Her head shot up, looking at him in disbelieve. "He was right about the military killing innocent children", he whispered tonelessly before breaking down into heart wrenching sobs. She felt her heart shatter at his words, the thought of him blaming himself for what had happened almost killing her. Sitting up straight, she pulled him into her arms, holding his shaking body and stroking his head that was resting against her chest. "Baby… please… I can only imagine how hard it was, but he was not right. Listen to me, Jay! It was an accident. Yes, a horrible accident, but horrible accidents happen at war, no matter how much we wish they wouldn't. This bastard today killed innocent kids on purpose, but you didn't. There's no way you could compare the massacre this morning to what you witnessed in Afghanistan. He said so, yes, but he was completely wrong."

He was still sobbing uncontrollably, thankful that she was holding him. On the one hand, he didn't want her to see him like this. On the other hand, she was the one person he trusted more than he did himself, she was his safe haven. He heard her words like they were coming from far away, his mind knowing that she was right while in his heart, it still felt wrong. The sight of the children being killed or severely injured due to his unit's attack had haunted him in many nightmares in the past, and after what had happened today, he knew those nightmares were probably going to come back to him.

Her heart was aching so much for him, but she knew all she could do right now was to hold him and show him that he could lean on her. She didn't know for how long he had been crying in her arms when his body finally relaxed. Still soothingly caressing his back, she wondered if he had cried himself to sleep. The salty taste of her own tears was on her lips, but she didn't want to wipe them away, refusing to loosen her embrace. She jumped slightly when he suddenly started talking again, his voice still thick from sobbing so hard before.

"Back when I signed up for the rangers, all I wanted to do was to protect my country and to make the world a better place. And yes, we did capture a lot of highly wanted terrorists, we rescued many people, we freed cities… but those are not the memories you take home with you. The memories that stay are the ones of innocent people being killed. Memories of your friends screaming in pain and horror because parts of their bodies had been ripped off. Memories of your friends bleeding out in your arms. Memories of those whose loved ones had died alongside you in the field, of coming home and having to face them. That's what you take home with you from a tour, and while everybody knows things like that happen when you're at war, nobody warns you how it really feels, what PTSD really means. How it slowly rips you apart, how it makes you want to die sometimes because that would be the only way to end this incredible pain for good."

She had been holding her breath listening to his heartbreaking confession, tears streaming down her face. While she had known before that PTSD was hard to deal with, she hadn't really known exactly how hard his military past was on him. She pulled away from him slightly, only to cup his face and slowly kiss away his tears. "Jay… I'm so sorry you have to go through all of this. But you're not in this alone. I'm with you, always. I will be there at night to make you feel safe and at peace to try to keep you from having nightmares, and if you do have one, I will help you through it. I will support you whenever you decide to seek help with a group or a psychologist. I will always have you, like you always have me. We can share anything that's weighing upon either of us." She gave him a tender kiss.

Her words, her gentle hands on his cheeks and her soft lips kissing away his tears felt like a healing bandage on his heart. He knew that PTSD would never completely leave him, but with her by his side, he believed for the first time that he would be able to live with it and not let it break him again. He brought his hand up to caress her cheek and neck. "Thank you, Erin. Thank you so much for being there for me and for not judging me."

She shook her had softly. "Thank you for opening up to me, for letting me in. I love you, Jay, and I'm sorry if I haven't been there for you enough in the past, but I'm never going to let you spiral down again. Please just promise to never shut me out again." A small smile formed on her lips as he nodded. "I promise." She lay back on the couch, carefully pulling him with her. Both of them being thoroughly exhausted, it didn't take long for them to fall asleep, holding each other tightly, knowing their love was the best protection from anything bad in their lives pulling them down.