Shinji's Paradox
Chapter 8:
Ache
November 18th, 1988, 7:16, Matou Residence.
Not even a year ago I would have intentionally dropped some of this porridge onto the table or the floor. A part of the act I had upheld since I returned to infancy, imitating the random and messy behaviour children my age were known for. If I was ever in the habit of wasting food then I probably ended that particular mannerism after the fifth war, as Sakura had demonstrated above-average ability in the kitchen during those years.
Byakuya wasn't the most proficient of chefs, so he'd sought out a very simple cookbook and had started to prepare meals for me. He had been watching me with a little bit of pride as I carefully fed myself the homemade porridge with a small spoon.
"You're doing a good job, Shinji," Byakuya said, watching me blow the heat off a spoonful of porridge, "Do you like it?"
Pulled out of my thoughts, I had half a mind to tell him that it was bland and tasteless… but it was actually somewhat palatable.
"Mmm," I said as I put the spoon in my mouth.
That seemed to make him happy. "… mark that page…" he muttered to himself, eating from his own bowl.
The small amount of sugar sprinkled on top was probably appealing to my young mind, and it had given me a reason to worry about how my underdeveloped brain effects my decision making. Needing to learn how to walk again had made the physical differences obvious from day one, but I don't feel any different mentally… what kind of state is my prefrontal cortex in?
The nightmares probably weren't helping.
Ever since that initial one in May, I'd been having similar dreams that were just as fragmented and distorted. I know that dreams aren't normally meant to be within the scope of reasonable understanding in the first place, but compared to normal dreams these gave me an unusual sense of familiarity that feels like it doesn't belong. I was convinced that there's definitely some kind of magical effect at play here, because whatever I was seeing faded from my recollection painfully as I woke each morning and left a headache behind.
Byakuya had eventually decided to have me sleep in his bed beside him instead of the crib so that he could make sure I wouldn't wake up alone. According to him, I would cry and grunt in discomfort before waking up middle of the night sporting a mix of fever symptoms and lacking an actual fever, also there was no change in my appearance other than the continued paling of the hair behind my ears. But that was due to the nerve trauma, not the nightmares.
He always seemed worried whenever I got his attention in the middle of the night, asking me if I needed anything, and would usually give me some children's painkillers he'd gone out of his way to stock up on. I wasn't buying the act, of course; he doesn't really care. And I'm sure this is a performance he's maintaining so he can relay what little information I can tell him to Zouken.
The elder would always listen to Byakuya's descriptions and before examining me personally every morning. He mostly checked the main features of my face for things for residual magical effects that might indicate the presence of a curse. As much as I dislike him, I had the same worries and put up with his inspections with a minor hope that he'd find something hinting at a cause, but he never found anything.
… I have no idea what to do.
What happens if this continues for the rest of my life?
I finished eating and held my head as it started to ache again. I rubbed my temples, hoping to soothe the pain slightly.
"Are you okay?" Byakuya asked.
"Head hurts," I tell him.
"I… suppose I could give you another tablet," he stood up, muttering something about the label on the painkiller box, "I'll be right back, Shinji."
He left the dining room towards his bedroom, obvious haste in his gait.
"Byakuya's not taking this whole ordeal very well," Einzbern said as she hovered over to me.
'I think you mean "very seriously",' I said as I yawned.
"What…? Can't you tell?"
'What do you mean?'
"Well… he's kept up at night by whatever it is that's going on with you, he works long afternoon shifts almost every day, does all the housekeeping and cooking, and he manages the Matou estate in Zouken's stead; he's completely exhausted. We should at least be glad his drinking isn't getting any worse."
'It will get worse. Trust me,' I tell her.
"Is there nothing you can do about it?"
'Why would I want to do anything about it?'
"He's your father, isn't he?"
I groan from the combined stress of the headache and the ghost's babbling.
'Okay, Einzbern,' I start with a sigh, 'There's something you need to understand about Byakuya; All of this "doting father" nonsense is an act, he's going to get colder and more distant before he starts ignoring me completely, and he's going to reach the point of depravity where his very presence is indistinguishable from the smell of alcohol.'
"… That doesn't sound like something you wouldn't be able to stop, Matou-san," she said, as she cocked her head to one side.
I take a deep breath. 'He's going to drink himself to death, and I can't think of any reason I'd want to stop him. I will never see him again after that, and I don't doubt for a second that I'll be better off for it."
The emotion had drained from her face as I spoke and she ended up leering at me stoically, foregoing any breathing or blinking. Whatever words she was considering unloading on me seemed to have been caught in her throat.
I stared back at her, retaining eye contact with her to reinforce the seriousness of my position on the topic, and she dropped her gaze to the floor briefly before she wordlessly turned around and passed through the wall, leaving me alone to continue my battle with the headache.
The ghost just doesn't understand. Why would she? Sure, she's known Byakuya for a little over two years, but I'm the one who really knows him better. He's my father.
… for lack of a better word.
As nice as it would be to bring the man to his senses and maybe foster some kind of… whatever that kind of relationship is called, where do I even begin? I talk to him plenty, but that's just me putting up with his performance. I'm acting like a child and he's acting like a parent; we're already perfect for each other.
Some things are just inevitable, and trying to stop them would only a be waste of time. I know what's going to happen— I've seen it. His fate is the same as—
…
the same as—
…
The same as hers.
… I keep rubbing the sides of my temples.
But the pain won't go away.
I could… there has to be something I could do. There's no reason he can't be useful… could I get him in on this somehow? Tell him about the Paradox and maybe work together to get rid of Zouken?
…
That's ridiculous; Byakuya is terrified of Zouken, and the elder only thinks of him as an expendable lackey. I know he always did everything Zouken ever asked of him— he even helped torture Sakura whenever Zouken didn't have time. The man is more likely to stop me from dealing with Zouken than he is to help me kill him.
… what about the memories? The elder stole them from him for some reason. Maybe they held some kind of reason for Byakuya to rebel?
They must have been something problematic if Zouken went out of his way to deal with them. If I could figure out exactly what it was that was erased, then maybe after I finally get my circuits in working order I could find or design some kind of magecraft that would let me restore his mem—
"Shinji," someone said.
I look up from my aching delirium and notice Byakuya standing beside me, having returned to the dining room with a painkiller and a glass of water.
"Here you go," he said as he seated himself beside me once more, "This should be okay."
He helps me take the tablet, and I drink the water carefully.
I need to stop thinking about this… it's just the headache doing this to me. I already took the painkiller, now all I have to do now is wait and then I could finally get my thoughts in order. Really… headaches are no joke when you're two and a half years old.
They make you think the strangest things.
January 10th, 1989, 3:51 PM, Miyama City Nursery School
I waved goodbye to Kane as her mother came to collect her, and lowered my head onto the low table in front of me to catch a moment of rest. After having those dreams daily for such a long time I learned that they only ever bothered me during the night. Byakuya had explained what was going on to the nursery school staff— including Hinode— and they'd made sure that I had space to get the rest I needed.
I was able to sleep as much as I wanted here; a valuable reprieve when my nights were so restless. I didn't spend every single hour asleep though, as I didn't want to set my body's circadian rhythm to some kind of nocturnal pattern. Kane was helpful in that regard, as she would always be pining for my attention for random reasons and would even go as far as to jostle me by the shoulders if I wouldn't pay attention to her.
It's a little bit annoying to put up with her antics, but she's helping me out in a simple, childish way.
Without any of the other children here, the nursery school playroom was wonderfully quiet. The only sounds were the conversations of the school's staff and a rhythmic ticking. A quick look at the clock and I'm certain that Byakuya had been delayed for some reason. Normally he'd have arrived a few minutes ago, ready to help me into the child carrier and begin the walk home. Now I'm the only child here, and even some of the staff were preparing to go home themselves.
The idiot probably decided to stop off at a liquor store somewhere.
"He's late today…" Einzbern noted.
'Obviously,' I responded sourly, 'I'm surprised he doesn't do it more often.'
"It's not too late to try and put him on a better path, Matou-san," she said, "Are you certain you don't want to?"
'Positive.'
"… he's been—"
'Shut up,' I snapped, 'It's none of your business.'
The ghost backed away and dropped the conversation as I lowered my head back onto the table once again. I teetered on the brink of sleep for the next few minutes and overheard some of the staff talking about trying to contact Byakuya somehow. I'm reminded that mobile phones aren't something just anyone has yet.
I'm so tired…
… and this table makes an awfully good pillow.
…
In the Snow
I'm looking for… something. Stepping through the cold white expanse, whiter than white and brighter than light.
Step. Step.
The clouds above… rolling through the sky, unimpeded. Tumbling free across the faint blue. Faster and faster into a messy blur. Faster than anyone could keep up with. Faster than the white glitter that ascends from below into everything.
Rolling glitter.
The mountains reach up. They cannot touch the clouds. Foolish mountains.
Once I reach— once I find… there— that… I may do what I am meant to do. What I need to do.
It's cold. The light is cold, the white is cold and I am cold. The trees, buried in the white dance in their snowy gowns as the frozen winds howl through their limbs. It's cold.
Howling cold.
Then it's in my breath. The clouds are rolling out of my mouth with every huff.
Glittering huffs.
I need to find it. I need to find it. I need to find it.
It's my last task. My final assignment. The end of my trials.
Then I can—
—Then I can get my revenge.
… I left something behind. Does it matter? No, it can rot, it can fade, it's not good enough for me. I can get another after this. It's expendable. A waste. Replaceable. Useless.
I need to keep going.
Step. Step—
—shifting sounds.
Quiet.
I turn. The trees turn. The snowy hills turn. The mountains turn. Everything turns to face the silence.
A blur. Of dark fur and teeth. Shadows seep from the groves. Trees cry tears of blood.
A Monster. Looks at me. From the shade.
Run.
Step, step— huff. Step, step— huff. Step, step— huff. Step, step— huff.
The glistening white grips my feet.
I'm slow. So slow. Too slow.
Teeth.
I'm falling. Falling into the glistening white.
The rolling clouds. Part beneath me.
Teeth. Teeth.
Giant gnashing black maw. Below. Falling. Rising to eat.
Teeth. Teeth. Teeth.
Screaming.
"…ji."
Teeth. Teeth.
Screaming.
"…inji?"
Teeth. Teeth. Teeth.
Teeth. Teeth. Teeth. Teeth. Teeth. Teeth.
Teeth. Teeth. Teeth. Teeth. Teeth. Teeth. Teeth.
Teeth. Teeth. Teeth. Teeth. Teeth. Teeth. Teeth. Teeth.
Teeth. Teeth. Teeth. Teeth. Teeth. Teeth. Teeth. Teeth. Teeth.
Teeth. Teeth. Teeth. Teeth. Teeth. Teeth. Teeth. Teeth. Teeth. Teeth.
TEETH. TEETH. TEETH. TEETH. TEETH. TEETH. TEETH. TEETH. TEETH. TEETH.
TEETH. TEETH. TEETH. TEETH. TEETH. TEETH. TEETH. TEETH. TEETH. TEETH. TEETH.
SCREAMING.
"…Shinji!"
January 10th, 1989, 3:57 PM, Miyama City Nursery School
"Shinji?" Byakuya said.
I struggled to pull my tired head off the table as he woke me, my thoughts still trying to make sense of the remarkably vivid nightmare.
"Sorry I'm late, Shinji," he said.
"It's okay…" I said sleepily.
"Did you sleep much today?"
"Some sleep," I told him.
Byakuya wore some kind of concern on his face.
… It's a facade.
He helped me into the child carrier and said farewell to some of the school staff, who bowed and offered their own goodbyes as he left through the front door. Only a few paces later, however, and he caught sight of a person in the nearby parking bays, giving him some reason to stop and stare.
Hinode had been fumbling with her car keys and became a statue for a moment as she spotted Byakuya watching her. She then hastily tried to continue inserting the key into the door, but missed slightly, forcing the key to slip out of her grip and onto the ground where its momentum let it bounce underneath the car. The colour drained from her face and she dared a hesitant peek back over to Byakuya and I, before looking away as fast as she could in embarrassment.
She seemed unwilling to reach beneath the car to retrieve the key in our presence, and simply stood where she was, paled faced and silent in shame. I looked up at Byakuya who was simply glaring daggers in Hinode's direction.
And then he started walking towards her.
Any colour that had remained on her face drained away.
"We need to talk," Byakuya said as soon as he reached her.
What is the idiot doing? I thought worriedly.
"I-If this is about me living in Fuyuki, then I have already gained permission from the Second Owner," she said quietly.
"Was it you?" Byakuya asked.
Hinode's eyes nervously darted around to avoid meeting Byakuya's. "What… do you mean?" she responded.
"The nightmares," the man tried to elaborate, gesturing to me.
Hinode glanced at me in confusion.
Byakuya raised his voice slightly. "Did you put a curse on Shinji or not?"
Her eyes widened. "No!" she said, shaking her head vigorously.
"Why should I believe you?"
"M-My family's craft involves the development of mystic codes— I don't know anything about curses."
Byakuya raised an eyebrow. "Why should I believe you?" he repeated.
"Because i-it doesn't matter to me anymore," Hinode took a deep breath, trying to compose herself before she spoke again, "I don't know what's causing your son's health issues, but I can promise that I have nothing to do with them."
Byakuya studied her face with a callous intensity. "Is that the truth?"
She nodded quickly.
"… I'll be holding you to that promise, then," he concluded, dropping the harsh tone and turning to leave, "Have a nice day, Hinode-san."
As we left the vicinity of the nursery school, I tried to catch a glimpse of Hinode before she disappeared from my field of view. She was still standing beside her car, motionlessly watching us as we travelled up the path. I couldn't make out her expression from this distance and angle…
But her face was still pale white.
"Matou-san," Einzbern said unexpectedly.
'What is it?' I replied.
"About Hinode-san," the ghost started, "Do you think… that she was telling the truth?"
'… yes, I don't think she was lying,' I said, 'You've seen how antsy she's been since we discovered she was a magus. I'm still surprised she didn't leave Fuyuki, too.'
"I wonder how she managed to get Tohsaka's permission to stay… she probably had to surrender something rather valuable to him. I wonder what it was?"
'She did say that magecraft didn't matter to her anymore… what could she have had that would persuade him to leave her be?'
"Probably something related to her family's magecraft, I'd guess."
'It's not really important to us though, is it? What did you really want to ask?'
"Well if we clear her from the possible causes of these nightmares of yours, then what's left?"
'Um… I'm pretty sure we crossed Zouken off the list on day one… the other mages in Fuyuki are the Tohsakas… and Byakuya.'
I made a glance at the man carrying me through the streets. His face was set into a harsh frown, glaring at the space ahead as whatever thoughts ran through his mind lead him into discernible anger.
He caught me staring, leading me to quickly look away.
"Are you o-okay, Shinji?" he asked with an unusual quiver in his voice.
"Mmm," I said with a nod.
He seemed to be thinking about something, his eyes darting between the sidewalk and me before he took an unsteady breath and nodded to himself. "Shinji, do you like going to school?" he asked.
"Er… yeah," I answered.
He pats my head and smiles. "That's good," he said.
I wonder if I'll ever get used to this? I thought after he withdrew his hand and his expression fell neutral.
"I really doubt it's Byakuya," Einzbern said stoically, "And it can't be the Tohsakas."
'I agree,' I replied, 'It might be an extremely roundabout strategy of some sort prepared by Zouken for some ridiculous purpose, but it's unlikely. And it doesn't achieve anything.'
"Did he make Sakura have nightmares in the old causality?"
'I don't think so. She never complained about nightmares— actually, never mind, it might be possible; Sakura never complained about anything. But there's still no reason for Zouken to do this'
"Then we've got nothing to go on," she said with a sigh.
'We should focus on trying to get my circuits working again,' I suggested, 'We got sidetracked by this whole nightmare situation.'
The ghost hummed. "Well that's true, but…"
'But?' I asked as she trailed off.
"Are you going to be able to focus? You're almost always falling asleep."
'… I'll be okay.'
"How do you know?"
'I'll just have to deal with it. If Sakura can endure eleven years of agony then I can handle a few night terrors.'
"If you say so. Let me know if I can help… however unlikely that is," Einzbern said before we fell into silence.
I watched the scenery slowly drift by as Byakuya walks along the pavement before home eventually came into view. I'm going to have to plan out some sort of sleep pattern to deal with this drowsiness I've been saddled with. Once that's in order, I can focus on magecraft.
Images from the dream I'd had not even half an hour ago stirred in my mind. It was strange… like something I can recall and not recall at the same time. I'm completely certain I've never gone through anything like that before.
Seriously.
Barely anyone gets attacked by wolves in this day and age.
April 30th, 1989, 11:26 AM, Matou Residence Library
Byakuya was sitting in a newly acquired armchair reading through a book he'd plucked from the shelves, and every so often he would lift his eyes from the pages and watch me for a few moments. He had plenty of time to spend with me now and was looking much healthier than he had in the past few months. After all, he'd quit his job some reason.
I was still going to nursery school on weekdays, but today was a Sunday, so it was a perfect day to head into the library and experiment. Einzbern and I had been re-reading the texts and tomes on magical circuits, trying to deepen our understanding of my unique situation. This time, while sitting comfortably on the floor surrounded by books, I was testing the potential of nerves other than those behind my ears.
I'd started with the nerves in my fourth toes on both feet today. They aren't vestigial, so they are still mostly connected to my brain and spine as neuromuscular junctions. Doing anything with them caused irritating magical feedback; a spike of heat would travel throughout my nervous system and settle into my spine. Despite this, I'd been investigating the specific characteristics of nerve circuits rather thoroughly and I had learned that body parts used less frequently generate weaker feedback; my toes had been an obvious candidate, even if they were as far from my circuit layout as was possible.
No one is always moving their toes intentionally.
Einzbern had given me a rundown on all the things mages are meant to be able to do with their circuits and I'd been making comparisons with the nerve variation. With my makeshift pathways, I could convert my od and generate energy that I could then store, move, or use in spellcasting; all capabilities generally attributed to magical circuits. But I couldn't access the worlds ambient mana with them, and using nerves that weren't vestigial was painful.
Also, they were almost completely opposite to my natural circuits in every regard.
When I convert od, the nerves are my output and the circuits are the intake, so to speak. My circuits can't draw from my odic force as the fake ones do, but like any other magus' pathways, they work to replenish it using the ambient mana. If they'd been unable to do this, converting my life force to use as prana would have made me weaker every second and likely crippled me to the point I'd have died of weakness.
I eventually managed to figure out how to extract mana from the surroundings into my circuits by observing and sensing out this process, and theoretically, if I had enough energy in them at once I could use them to cast spells. But as always it was like trying to fill a cup with a hole in the bottom and only made them heat up to incredibly agonising temperatures much faster than the natural process I'd been copying.
'I don't think I can learn anything else from this,' I said to Einzbern as I ended the conversion process and let the magical energy evaporate from my toes.
The ghost was floating absentmindedly in the room above me, her hair fanning out like a white halo around her figure. Her eyes were closed, and her brows were set in a cold frown.
'Einzbern-san?' I said, trying to prompt her out of her thoughts.
"… I have three ideas," she said, still unmoving.
'Okay, I'm listening.'
She opened her eyes and let herself fall to the floor, her hair obeying gravity again and falling over her shoulders. "The main problem is mostly the same as it's been since the start; you can't hold magical energy in your circuits, right?" she began.
'Right,' I confirmed.
"Then there are three paths we can take to have you start practising magecraft properly," she held up her hand and a single finger, "First and least complex is to gather prana and store it all in containers that won't leak magical energy. Keeping your blood in some manner of enchanted vials makes sense. It's not very efficient though, and you'll only be able to carry around a small amount at a time."
'And how many enchanted vials do you think I have access to?'
"Fair point," she said as she lifted a second finger, "The second option is formalcraft. Ever heard of it?"
'No, I haven't.'
"It's a blanket term used to describe magecraft that uses only mana and no od. You don't even need to have the mana in your body to perform formalcraft, as all you need to do is perform the rituals and provide things like catalysts, but the downside to this is that it always takes time and resources. Good for big rituals, generally bad for combat."
'The end goal here is to put Zouken down. Big rituals sound cool, but do you really think he'd just let me finish one in time?'
"If he doesn't realise it's meant to be used against him, then you could probably set something up that could support you in a confrontation. The Servant Summon ritual is technically formalcraft that uses the Holy Grail's accumulated mana instead of the surrounding area's natural supply."
'… I actually forgot about Servants. Do you think I could get one in the fourth war to help with Zouken?'
"If the Grail gives you the opportunity and Zouken lets you go through with it, then I think that's a good idea," Einzbern said before the third and final finger rose to join the others, "The last option is to patch up the missing function of your circuits to store energy with a mystic code of some sort, letting you be the container like any other magus."
'That sounds great!' I said excitedly, '… What's the catch?'
"It might take decades on your own," the ghost said as she lowered her hand, "You'll need help."
I let myself fall backwards and lie on the floor with a sigh. 'From Zouken, you mean?' I said gloomily.
"Having Zouken contribute to his own demise, huh?" The ghost said, "I was going to suggest asking Hinode, though."
… Hinode?
As I thought about it, I remembered that Hinode did actually say something about specialising in mystic codes. Maybe there was something I could learn from her? … Then again, she's probably not going to agree to it. The further away she is from interacting with Zouken, the better off she is.
And she definitely knows this, somehow. Or she's just extremely paranoid.
'I'd rather not get her involved in this,' I said, 'She seems to be trying to distance herself from magecraft, anyway.'
"It doesn't have to be her, then," the ghost said as she closed her eyes, "… Maybe Tohsaka will do it for the right price…?"
'I'll ask Zouken. Tonight.'
Einzbern's eyes widened. "… Are you sure?"
'It has to happen sooner or later.'
May 1st, 1989, 12:10 AM, Worm Pit
As soon as I was sure that Byakuya wouldn't wake up, I had silently crept away from his bedroom and felt my way to the workshop's entrance in the darkness of the Matou hallways. The door hadn't even been locked, but Zouken seemed genuinely surprised to see me down here as his attention was diverted away from whatever thought process he'd been involved in.
He isn't always watching, then, I thought as I carefully descended the steps, sparing a glance at the writhing mass in the chambers lowest level.
"Be careful, Matou-san," Einzbern said from doorway behind me.
'Shut up and let me do this,' I shot back, as I reached the bottom of the staircase and approached the elder.
I didn't get too close, though.
"Odd destination for a late-night adventure, Shinji," the old man said, motioning to the worms thrashing about in the pit.
"Wouldn't have been my first choice, but as far as options go, I don't have many," I replied.
"Dropping the act?" he said, a grin revealing his disturbing teeth.
"I had the impression you'd already caught on, but I wasn't sure. How long?"
"Since the consecration."
"… Almost a year… perhaps we should've spoken sooner."
I let my eyes drift to the crest worms. In the old causality, they had all disappeared when Zouken had, except the few occupying Sakura. I had once thought I would never see them again.
"Is this about the nightmares?" the elder asked.
"I'm not here about those. But if you know what's causing them, I'd appreciate a hint, at least. It's definitely not Hinode though, so if you're harassing her, you're wasting your time."
"But it's so much fun," Zouken said with a chuckle.
So he has been intimidating her.
"Hmm…?" Zouken hummed, "So the dreams are genuine. I was beginning to think they were a front of some kind… What did you want, then?"
"Advice. Magecraft related."
"Hmph," Zouken huffed, tapped his cane on the ground, "We do need to discuss your use of nerve circuits."
"It took a lot of practice to get that process right. And it's useful, for the time being."
The elder groaned at my words and glared at me for a moment.
"I will not say I approve of the method," he said, "Are you even trying to devise an alternative? All that squandered magical energy wasn't for nothing, I'll assume."
"I've been studying my circuits properties for a few months now. They have… some missing functions."
"Circuits cannot be changed, Shinji. They stay as they are from birth until death, no matter how much you tamper with them…", he said, and sighed once he trailed off, shifting his gaze to the worms in the pit.
They froze still for a moment, before resuming their aimless squirming once he looked back to me with a… concerned expression.
"What is it?" I asked.
"Tell me what you think is preventing you from using your circuits to apply magecraft," he asked.
I squinted at him. "I can't use my natural circuits to convert od into prana, and I can't store prana in them either, and even though I can transfer it from my nerves, it evaporates too fast to cast spells. Spellcasting from my nerves directly is painful."
Zouken raised an eyebrow as I spoke.
"Something wrong?" I asked.
"Demonstrate," he ordered, "Not spellcasting, but the transfer of magical energy between nerves and circuits."
"… Okay," I said as I started the process.
I envisioned myself falling forward… the back of my head throbbed faintly as the nerves began to burn with energy… and I let it flow into my circuits. I raised my arms slightly, and as the prana entered my pathways and travelled through my arms, it quickly dissipated and joined the mana in the surrounding air.
Zouken approached me slowly and gestured for me to show him my arm. He started analysing what was happening in my circuits. His eyes ran up and down my arm like he was reading a sentence over and over.
"… how… circuits…" he murmured under his breath, "Shinji, try to… relocate some energy back and forth between your nerves and circuits."
I raised an eyebrow but did as he asked and gave it an attempt. I focused on a small amount of prana, bundled it together, and then juggled it between my circuits and nerves.
It was… surprisingly easy.
Zouken seemed impressed if his expression was something I could interpret correctly. He began muttering something else silently enough that I couldn't hear and started to pace along the edge of the worm pit. Eventually, he nodded to himself, convincing himself of something.
"Zouken?" I asked as I stopped converting od.
"… Shinji," the elder began, "The situation is that your circuits cannot hold enough magical energy long enough for you to complete the spellcasting process, yes?"
"Yes," I said with a nod.
"Your circuits can still restore your odic force, can't they?" he asked.
I inclined my head again.
"I may have an… option for you," he said menacingly, gesturing to the worms beside us.
"… those are the crest worms, aren't they?" I asked.
"Yes. They make for very efficient familiars, but their predominant purpose is to engrave the Matou spellbook into their host's body… not unlike the magic crests of other magus families. It's our clan's version of the method, hence the name."
"What are you getting at?"
"They can function as an alternative to magical circuits while embedded in a magus' body."
I glanced nervously between the worms and Zouken.
He would. He fucking would, I thought, Shit, did I fuck up? I did, didn't I?
He let a sinister smile show. "Don't fret, Shinji. I'm not going to have you join them in there— they would kill you if I did something so drastic, given your… unique condition. And you're no useful dead."
Internally, I sighed with relief. I think I also heard Einzbern let a breath out from the workshop entrance.
"Therefore; instead of all at once…" the elder started explaining.
He settled his cane on the side of the pit and allowed some worms to creep up the shaft, then lifted the walking stick. He jostled it slightly, and few of the critters fell off and landed back in the pit.
"… you could start with a measly five," he concluded, plucking an additional worm from the cane and tossing it away.
This… is something he wants to do, I thought.
"Could I… think about this for a moment?" I asked.
"By all means," Zouken said with an amused huff.
I turned away and walked back to the staircase. Einzbern floated down from the top of the stairs to meet me there, where she stared at me and blinked a few times, giving me some exaggerated gestures to convey how baffled she was.
'What do you think, Einzbern?' I asked her.
"Don't tell me you're actually considering this?!" she almost shrieked.
'It sounds like it's exactly what I need, doesn't it?' I reasoned.
"You're probably insane if you think this will end well! You told me yourself; Zouken used these to torture Sakura. What happened to the mystic code idea?"
'I could always talk to him again to ask about it if this doesn't work. Besides, it seems he has an ulterior motive for this. I could decline, but he'd probably just go through with it anyway.'
That seemed to stop her arguments in their tracks, as she frowned and squinted as she tried to think up some kind of rebuttal. She rubbed her face and groaned.
"Just— just don't forget that I was against this; those things are creepy."
'We can agree on that, but "creepy" isn't going to stop me.'
I returned to Zouken, who was waiting for me to finish the altercation he wasn't even aware of by inspecting the five worms perched on his cane.
"… Before we go through with this," I asked, "Is there anything else I need to know?"
Zouken smiled again.
"The worms can access your odic force on their own; they are parasites at the end of the day and will sustain themselves as such," he explained, "But they will also require you to provide magical energy by your own means. They will also change your elemental alignment to water, allowing you to actually use the magecraft that they will be carving into you."
At least he's not keeping me in the dark, I thought as I watched the worms wriggling on the elder's cane.
"This cannot be undone, even by my hand; once they enter you, they will be there for the rest of your life. Finally…" he levelled his gaze as he spoke, "It will be very painful."
I could have sworn that the worms by the tip of the cane were eyeing me up as he finished his explanation.
"Well?" Zouken said, trying to hurry my answer.
"… Alright then; think of it as an early birthday gift," I said, "Pets, of a sort."
"Ha…ha…" Zouken let out a few suppressed huffs before he did something I'd never seen before.
He laughed.
I froze instinctively, and I was almost sure that I noticed the worms in the pit and on the cane go still too.
He finished his horrifying hysterics and caught his breath.
"Well then, Shinji. Make sure you feed them," he raised his cane to place it at my chin, "Happy birthday."
And the worms hurried down my throat.
A/N
Hi everyone, how have you all been?
*gets mauled by angry guest readers*
No, the story hasn't died seven chapters in; I'm just late— A little over a week late, probably. I write parts of these A/N's in advance so I don't forget things I wanna say.
But I have a good reason.
See, I ended up house-sitting for someone from the 25th of September and the following weekend, and while I was able to take my laptop with me to upload the previous chapter, the environment there was NOT good for writing.
Two dogs; the kinds that are used to the attention provided by a family of four. The kinds that bark LOUDLY in the night at random possums in the front yard while you're trying to sleep, or in the wee hours of the morning when they get hungry. I've always been a cat person, and while cats can also be persistent, they STOP when they get what they want. So taking care of two dogs at once as my first experience was… exhausting.
Anyway, you get the idea; my sleep cycle was completely ruined. Those of you who are also writers would know how crippling that can be to motivation and focus.
So while I was able to write something, IT WAS COMPLETE AND UTTER GARBAGE. So when Sunday came around, I read through the chapter and decided; "Fuck it. This is shit. I'm starting over."
So that's why I'm late~! :D
I did my best though, and I want to make the beginning arcs of Shinji's Paradox as polished as I can.
Yes, "arcs."
I'm not kidding around here. This is gonna be an enduring project, so if anyone wants to contribute by leaving ideas or criticism in the reviews or a PM I highly encourage you to do so. Major plot points all the way up to the 4th Holy Grail War are set in stone, but the war itself is mostly up in the air.
That's probably the part you all care about the most, right? Throw some ideas at me, and who knows; I might decide to catch some of them. Servant suggestions aren't necessary, though. I've already decided that.
For your reference, we are currently in the "Infancy Arc".
Also, If I'm being completely honest, I haven't recovered 100%. So it's likely that I'm going to skip next Sunday's upload too. If that happens; I'll update this chapter and leave an edit at the end of these notes that will say so. Check here if Sunday rolls around and I haven't uploaded anything.
Worst case scenario; I'll switch to a fortnightly upload schedule while I re-adjust my circadian rhythm.
Final things before I go to review responses:
1. Shout out to angelitto who was kind enough to check up on me through a PM. Wonderful manners too— what a nice guy!
2. I've decided to keep using "Prana" in this story's terminology as I have previously. I may not like the alliteration with "Mana" at some points (they don't sound well-spoken in adjoining sentences/paragraphs without intentional poetic form, and can confuse a readers eye on the page if they're skimming), but it helps to use it interchangeably with "Magical Energy" when it's the main topic (for the same reasons, funnily enough).
3. If you have any questions on my interpretation of the mechanics of magical circuits and how Shinji's differ from the norm, please ask. I'd love to talk about my thought processes on the topic.
4. I'm aware that Shinji is suffering from exhaustion in this story the same way that I am in reality. This is a coincidence.
5. I added a welcome note to the beginning of Chapter 1 that discusses what kind of Nasuverse knowledge I'm assuming that people have when they start reading and some other bits and pieces.
6. I fixed a mistake regarding the Tarot related stuff from the last author's notes (I mean, it wasn't that important, but I have my pride to maintain here). What were the "Guides" are now "Authorities", and what were "Authorities" are now "Principles".
Review responses:
RayDjok:
IT'S TIME TO D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-DUEL!
Giuseppe:
Hello again! You've really dropped a lot of info on me here. Luckily it's all stuff I'd already considered, so I don't need to go on a wiki-adventure.
Ugh… Nerve Damage though… Gonna be completely honest; Nerve Damage was a little bit of a disappointment for me. Has a bit too much of what I like to call "Fanfiction Syndrome", mostly in its premise. Turning the entire nervous system into magic circuits is a FANTASTIC idea, but it was used as an excuse to dump as many Servants as possible into the story, and then never came up again until it was used as a backup plot contrivance to reveal some kind of secret plan. I don't think Shirou ever played a significant role in the story after he killed Shinji, even when he "died".
It's been a while since I dropped it so I don't remember exactly what I disliked about it narratively (Probably Abel since I don't like omnipotent characters; makes the narrative's stakes redundant. Could have been something else, though), but I'm pretty certain it had WAY too many characters for the author to manage properly. I'm sure they would agree since they ALSO dropped the story and SOMEONE ELSE kept writing it.
As for Shinji's magecraft…
That would be a spoiler. :)
DSDAD:
"A minute" is an understatement, but I get where you're coming from. I haven't read the latest chapter of your story yet either because of this fiasco I'm going through (Will read tomorrow. VERY excited.)
I'm glad you like my style, and I completely agree with you regarding scene description; it's my main weakness as a writer, as I tend to delete things that I don't think are important to what's actually happening in the scene. And that usually ends up including little bits of setting information that I gloss over. I need to read more stories that do it well and practice before I get the hang of it (Ooh! Another reason for me to read the latest chapter of Candle Lit in the Eclipse!).
I appreciate the criticism, I really do. I have a long way to go and having people point out my issues helps a ton.
Thank you.
RandyKaguyaofthewasteland:
Subtle character growth is fun!
And Shirou gets way too much attention, I agree (not that I blame people; he's the protagonist, after all).
Also; Wind + Shinji = Whinji. (Haha pun)
That's all the reviews!
Just a heads up for the near future: The anniversary of my father's death is coming up, and I tend to take a hit to my motivation around that time. So don't be surprised if late October and pretty much all of November is shaky for me in the future.
… Man, I'm really in a rough patch, aren't I?.
-GEOD
Update: Yeah, there won't be an upload this week. I haven't been able to pull myself back into my normal routine yet, so I'm just gonna have to get that in order before I even try to keep going. See you next week, hopefully.