Of Things You Can't Control

Chapter 10

Truth

That night her dreams were as vivid as ever before. After everything that happened, sleeping next to Kakashi, holding his hand, she had expected to sleep like a rock. But sleep wasn't as welcoming as the man close to her.

As soon as she had closed her eyes, she was thrown down a black hole, falling endlessly into the darkness, with a silent scream trying to break from her lips. But there was absolute silence, as if she had gone deaf. And then, suddenly, she had reached the bottom of the seemingly bottomless dark pit. Standing in the middle of an old town, surrounded by abandoned buildings that had burned down a long time ago. Ash and dust had settled, charred wood protruding from the ruins, pointing into a flaming red evening sky like wrinkled fingers.

She was all alone.

A warm wind blew through the empty streets. There was no sound of birds or wildlife, the nearby forest as black and dead as the village. Without knowing why, she started walking, her feet crunching over old debris. As she looked down, she saw that it was more than debris, more than charred wood and crumbled stone. It was bones. Hundreds and hundreds of bones, big and small ones, all shattered on the town square. Collapsed from a larger pile of ash and remnants of clothes.

She couldn't breathe. Her heart was gripped by an invisible hand, with every pulse, it got tighter and tighter. She felt burning tears on her face. Slowly, almost unable to move, she raised a hand and wiped them away. When she lowered her hand, her fingertips felt warm. She looked down and froze. There was blood on her hand, warm and thick and sticky. The smell burned in her nostrils.

She took a step backwards and almost stumbled over something on the ground. Looking around, she noticed a shoe. And a small stuffed animal. A whole pile of personal belongings, buried beneath ash and dust. She bent down and picked up the dirty toy. A little dog. Ignoring how the blood from her hands soaked into the still soft fabric, she gripped it tightly to her chest and closed her eyes.

Suddenly the wind grew stronger, blowing through ash and debris, howling loudly, whipping her hair into her face. Thunder cracked, then it began to rain. A strong and heavy rain, washing away tears and blood. She turned around and looked across the main road to the other side of town. A feeling inside her stomach seemed to direct her. Making her look past the storm.

And then she knew. She saw it. A faint figure behind the wall of rain. And she knew, she remembered. Another wave of thunder rolled past, almost deafening this time. She stepped into the town square and stared down the street, still holding the stuffed dog to her chest. From the other side of town came a soft murmur, a quiet voice in the storm. She squinted against the rain, the figure was moving – towards her.

But she wasn't afraid. She knew she shouldn't be.

So she started walking, one hand outstretched, guiding her through the darkness that had settled around her. The closer she got, the denser the rain was. The louder the thunder. Then lightning struck, so close to her, but she didn't even flinch. For only a few seconds, it illuminated the whole town. The ruins of her home. The familiar face standing right in front of her.

Her hand shot forwards, she opened her mouth – before darkness swallowed her whole.

Silence roared in her ears. No more thunder, no more rain. No town, no stuffed animal in her arm. Only darkness. Her breath grew louder, agitated, raw. Fearful. Then her heartbeat drummed through the nothingness. Louder and wilder, deafening.

Something red crept up from behind her. She whirled around, only to see that the red light was coming from herself. Her whole body was surrounded by it, it looked like a second skin, wafting only inches above her limbs like a red glowing cloak. It was pulsating, strongest right above her heart. When she raised a hand to touch it, she felt it warm and almost soft beneath her fingertips. She knew it was protecting her, she wasn't afraid. When she closed her eyes, it almost felt like the caring embrace of a loved one.

Mama. Papa.

A tear rolled over her cheek. Suddenly the glowing intensified, burning through her closed lids. She inhaled sharply as a well known pain spread inside her body. A burning so strong she opened her eyes wide, only to stare into countless faces, some dark and featureless against a red backdrop, some charred and burned, some with dead gazes, some with hunger in their eyes. A snarling echoed in her ears. She tried to back away, but more faces, more figures surrounded her.

When she felt the first touch on her arm, she flinched, moving into the opposite direction, right into the arms of another black figure. They were everywhere. She spun around, slapping at the hands reaching for her. But they were everywhere, closing in on her. The heat grew stronger. Fingers grabbed her, held her tightly, violently squeezing her. Soon she couldn't move, couldn't breathe. Gasping for air, silently screaming.

As she closed her eyes because it was just too much, she heard the first hiss. Then a groan, a yelp, a yell, a cry. It was their pain, not hers. The fire that surrounded her burned through the hands that grabbed her, pushing them away one by one. She couldn't see them, but she felt the flames in the air, the uncontrollable swaying of heat. It roared in anger and hate, biting at everything that tried to touch her.

After what seemed to last for an eternity of dying screams, everything fell silent. The glow was still there, red behind her lids, wavering, also dying down. As the burning sensation subsided, she slowly opened her eyes again, suddenly breathing heavy – even though she hadn't moved an inch. A dim light cut through the darkness and when she lay eyes on her surroundings, she was standing in the middle of a pile of bodies, burned and mutilated, dead eyes staring up at her, mouths gaping open in terror.

It was then that a cold voice rang in her ears, as her heartbeat accelerated, as a single drop of sweat ran down between her shoulder blades.

You did this.

Panic shot through her veins, fear gripping at her heart. Fear and guilt. She stumbled backwards and as she tripped over the bodies around her, falling backwards in slow-motion, she felt the ice cold stab of despair, right in her heart.

You did this!

She woke up with a scream, bolting into a sitting position, both her hands clutching at her chest as she tried to catch her breath. It took her several minutes to realize where she was. Who she was with.

Slowly, she turned her head. Daylight flooded the tiny room, but the figure next to her, lying on his back, was fast asleep. For a second she thought he wasn't breathing – that she might have killed him in her sleep as that horrible dream was still clinging to her every cell – but then a loud snore escaped his lips. She wiped at her face as relief flooded her insides. The tears continued burning in her eyes as she noticed that his hand was still lying between them. Right where she let go of it.

Kakashi looked so peaceful, deeply exhausted apparently, but so calm about it.

Watching his chest rise and fall in a steady rhythm, she eventually relaxed, carefully lying back down on her side, her eyes glued to his profile. She couldn't bring herself to touch him, take his hand, feel him. That dream... that horribly disturbing dream. She was afraid, she knew that now, afraid to touch him, hurt him. A memory forced itself onto her. The pile of burned bodies, all those dead eyes, in the middle of the destroyed village. And then the voice from her dream.

You did this.

She swallowed hard and shook her head. No, no, it can't be. She was aware now that she was able to hurt people with her inborn ability, but it wasn't her fault that her village... that her parents... no! No way!

Then why are you still alive when everyone else is dead?

The voice again. So cold inside her head. She squeezed her eyes shut and pressed her head into the pillow, her right hand closing over her ear, but the voice didn't go away. It echoed inside her, leaving a thick trail of doubts.

She endured it for only a few minutes, before she bolted up and scrambled out of bed, clumsily walking towards the door. Her head was spinning, her heart drumming inside her chest, her lungs yearning for air. Basically throwing herself against the door, she left the bedroom, heading straight to the bathroom.

It was then that she came back to her senses, drowning out the voice, momentarily pushing away the doubts. It was a stabbing pain, ice cold and somewhat cleansing, that rid her of the last shadows of her dream.

The pain of stepping into something very sharp.

She yelped in shock as she noticed the shards of a broken mirror on the bathroom floor – and the particularly big piece that had pierced right through her left foot. Stumbling backwards, she fell hard to the ground, clutching her foot in sheer agony. Her vision blurred as blood gushed from the wound, hot and warm on her skin, the smell burning in her nostrils.

Suddenly there was a shadow beside her, two hands grabbing her. She whimpered, all of her strength concentrated on fighting the pain that rushed from her foot up her leg and right into her nervous system. Yet a small part of her fought against the touch, firm and demanding, trying to keep her from kicking.

"Hold still!" she heard a voice. She blinked, slowly, until her vision cleared enough to recognize the figure crouching beside her, holding her foot.

"Kakashi," she mouthed. Only a second later something broke through the veil of pain. Fear. "No! Don't touch me!" she whined, trying to wriggle out of his touch.

He looked at her, a deeply concerned look on his face. "It's okay. Hold still please," he said again.

She stared at him, then nodded slowly and swallowed hard as she watched him examine her foot. The shard was deep inside her flesh, her blood pulsating furiously around the foreign object. Breathing hard, she leaned back against the wall, clenching her fists as Kakashi's fingers came close to the wound.

It hurt so much! was all she could think.

For a moment she watched him, unable to do anything. He eventually let go of her foot, before carefully treading through the shards towards the cabinet next to the sink. Katsumi closed her eyes, trying to breathe against the pain. Fatigue washed over her. She felt so tired, so utterly exhausted. Darkness came, pulling her into nothingness.

She exhaled loudly, deeply, before opening her eyes. Blinking slowly, she then realized she was lying on the couch, her left leg on a pillow, her foot neatly bandaged. Confusion washed over her. I have been here before. Everything felt strangely familiar. As did the figure sitting on the coffee table right next to her, watching her. She looked up and met Kakashi's stern gaze that lit up the moment he noticed that she was awake.

"Hey. How are you feeling?" he asked.

She looked away, unable to say anything. Her foot hurt, but it was tolerable. And she sure had other problems as she was reminded of everything that had happened when consciousness cut through the fog inside her head. Her hand clutched the front of her shirt – no, his sweater, she noticed – as she tried to breathe against all the things whirling around in her head. The dream. The doubts. The fear.

"Kakashi," she then whispered, still not looking at him. "Why… why am I still here?"

Her question lingered in the air, long enough for her to realize something. She quickly turned her head and met his puzzled, deeply concerned gaze.

"No, not here! I mean, why am I still... alive?" He kept staring at her, even more grave than before. She slowly lowered her eyes. "I had a dream last night, about... what happened... to my..." She inhaled deeply, physically unable to find the right words. "My family... my village... they are all gone. I... watched them... burn. I watched the houses crumble... and the flames..." Her voice grew quieter. She clenched her fist, pressing it against her chest, feeling her heartbeat just beneath. "And now I wonder... did I –"

"No!" His voice was loud and grim, causing her to look up at him in surprise. "It was not your fault, do you hear me?"

"How do you–"

She watched him exhale loudly, as he looked down at his clenched hands on his lap. "I was there," he then said quietly. "Seven years ago."

His words didn't make any sense. She blinked slowly, trying to understand, as he kept talking, his voice calm, yet serious.

"Seven years ago, I was ordered to investigate a rumor. There was a village, a small settlement in the far south-east corner of this country, hidden by thick forests on one side, bluffs and the ocean on the other, where two clans resided, completely secluded. But nothing is truly hidden, nobody truly safe from the dangers of this world. From greed and hate and fear. It was known that these two clans both possessed a unique Kekkei Genkai–"

He looked up and she noticed that his left eye was open. As she stared into the red iris, he raised a hand and pointed at his eye. "This is a Kekkei Genkai, a bloodline limit, a unique mutation, bearing a certain ability. Your fire skin," he added and pointed at her, "is another Kekkei Genkai, another mutation, with a different ability."

She swallowed, still trying to understand what he was saying.

"These bloodline limits, unique to certain clans, were and still are considered very powerful tools in war. Seven years ago, though long in the aftermath of the Third Shinobi World War, there were still groups and individuals looking for a way to gain more power. Kekkei Genkai, as they are mutations in the DNA of the bearer, can't be copied like jutsu, they need to be transplanted. Some easier than others. There was not much information about the Kekkei Genkai the two clans of the hidden settlement possessed. But the fact that they were known, was dangerous enough. When word got out, the rumors started.

Rumors about who would be the first to obtain this long hidden information. Who would use it for themselves, who would make sure nobody would ever get to know about it. You see, there was the gaining of power on one side, making use of said Kekkei Genkai, and then there was fear on the other. Fear is a strong tool, strong enough to sacrifice one village and all its inhabitants for the sake of everyone – so that nobody would ever abuse those abilities. A clan without the proper protection, without a shinobi force in its back, was an easy target, no matter how well they were hidden.

Seven years ago, those, who feared the power of these two DNA mutations, won. The attack was sudden and quick, in the middle of a cold spring night, surprising most of the villagers in their sleep. They didn't stand a chance. Both clans perished, burying with them the secrets of their Kekkei Genkai."

His words echoed in her head, a deep shiver emanating from her very core, so cold she didn't even notice the tears streaming from her eyes. It took all her strength to push the memories away, the dead eyes, the flames, the pile of bodies.

"I know all this because I was there, seven years ago, when the Arashi clan and the Torishimari clan ceased to exist," Kakashi said quietly, causing her to look up slowly.

His gaze was grim and for only a second it scared her to look at his mismatched eyes. It scared her to know that he knew more about her than she had expected. It scared her that he had not told her everything before. But then he tilted his head and a pained expression crossed his face.

"I was too late," he whispered. "I couldn't do anything. The village was already destroyed, all the people... dead, piled up in the middle of it. We were sure that everyone was killed. But..."

He looked at her with a tiny glint in his eyes.

"There was one survivor."

She stared at him. Into those mismatched eyes.

"You remember now, don't you?"

A voice echoed in her head, far away and slightly distorted, a distant memory. I'm here to protect you. She stared at Kakashi as realization struck. It had been him. The man with the fox mask, who she had met right before she had run from the ruins of her village, from the pile of bodies, from her home, never to return. Seven years ago...

Slowly, she nodded. That was all she could do.

"Back then, I couldn't protect you. You ran away from me and I couldn't get to you. My orders were to bring back any possible survivors, back to Konoha, back to safety, but I wasn't able to. When I reported back, your existence, your survival, remained a well preserved secret. It still is, even now, seven years later..."

"You knew..." she began with a hoarse voice, still confused and somewhat numbed by all the revelations echoing inside her. "You knew me..."

"Yes," he replied. "About a month ago, when I found you in the forest, I recognized you immediately. I brought you here on impulse, Katsumi, not on any orders," he added and watched her insistently. "I wanted to protect you."

She didn't know what to say.

But he wasn't done. "Katsumi, I am truly sorry that I didn't tell you all of this earlier. It was never my intention to keep you in the dark. I didn't say anything because I didn't want you to run again. I didn't want to scare you away. And I never meant to hurt you. Please... forgive me."

The sight of how he bowed his head to her, how he really meant his words, it was enough to break her stupor. Even though the doubts were still clinging to her every move, she reached forward and grabbed his hands, clasping them with such a force, she almost slipped off the couch. Their eyes met.

She still couldn't say anything, overwhelmed by how troubled he looked at her. How deeply sorry. When tears clouded her vision, she lowered her eyes and focused on her hands holding his. Slowly, carefully even, her fingers snaked around his until she successfully unclenched his fists, turning his hands palm up, gently stroking the rough skin, still red and slightly damaged from what had happened last night. What she had done.

What her Kekkei Genkai had done. A mutation, huh? How was that even helpful? Burning those who touch her? It wasn't even a good protection, because she could still be touched, violated even. Would she ever be able to control it? Make it stronger, keep those away who wanted to harm her? And how was her body able to tell apart those who wanted to hurt her and those who didn't? And even though Kakashi had told her that an enemy group was responsible for the attack on her village, was it not possible that the ability of her clan had caused their own demise? That she–

"It's not your fault," she suddenly heard him say, as if he had read her mind. She looked up slowly.

"Are you sure?" she whispered.

He nodded, his fingers closing around hers comfortingly.

"How can you be sure?" she asked through tears, staring at their hands. At the burns on his skin.

"For one," he said, waiting for her to look at him, before he threw her a tiny smile. "You are too gentle to harm anyone willingly. And even unwillingly," he added as she started to protest, "you can't control your ability yet, meaning you cannot use its full potential. It sure hurts a bit when you do, but not enough to kill anyone." She swallowed and looked away again, shortly after feeling his hand on her cheek. "It is not your fault," he said again, his gaze as intense as if he wanted to implant his words deep into her brain.

She nodded, unconsciously leaning against his hand.

"The attack on your village was not the first of that kind. The same group was responsible for a number of assaults, always claiming that in ridding the world of those mutations they would do everyone a favor. Unfortunately, we don't know more about them because they disbanded, soon after successfully destroying your village."

She frowned, slowly understanding what that meant. "So they are still out there? The people who killed –"

Kakashi nodded. "Possibly, yes."

She felt a shiver running down her spine. "I had no idea..."

"You are safe here," he said quietly, watching her closely.

"Am I? What if they know I'm still alive, that I'm here–" She stopped when he cupped her face with both hands, looking at her with an intensity that made any protest null and void.

"No one knows you're here," he insisted. "And those seven years you spent on your own prove that no one is looking for you. You did a great job of making sure of that, Yuki," he said with a smile, reminding her of the time they had met one of his genin on the streets where she had introduced herself as Yuki. "Unconsciously or deliberately, you know how to survive, how to stay hidden. You avoid people at all costs. Which, as you might know, isn't the healthiest thing to do, but you know it keeps you out of trouble. So, the fact that you stayed here, with me, really means a lot."

Her cheeks were burning, be it from his warm touch or the way he looked at her. She blinked against the tears welling up inside her eyes and felt the corners of her mouth twitching. As the smile spread to her lips, she had already leaned forward, as did he, when their mouths collided gently. The kiss was soft, almost a little too careful, but sweet all the same.

"Don't be afraid," she heard him say as she leaned against his cheek. "Fear is good, keeps us on our toes, but too much fear will only hinder you. Don't be afraid to live." With that he put his arms around her and held her tightly. She closed her eyes and inhaled deeply, knowing that he was right.

He just had to be.

Did he fix what he had broken? Only by using new lies as glue, it seemed. Telling her the truth had been cleansing, for both of them, but still knowing more than her, slowly took its toll on him. And instead of taking away her fears, he knew he had only woken them up more. Made it worse. She had always known that it wasn't safe to tell anyone about herself, knowing that she was the last of her clan, knowing that it meant something. How was she supposed to live now, knowing that there were still people out there, trying to end her life?

There was only one solution.

She had to learn to control her Kekkei Genkai. He didn't know why he hadn't started training her earlier. Maybe he had been too lazy, too comfortable with her being around, enjoying her company, not thinking about the near future where she would eventually leave him and the safety of his apartment. He couldn't postpone it any longer. She had to learn and once she knew how to protect herself, she was safe, safer than now at least, on her own. So he hoped.

There was also the looming question of what the Elders and the Hokage would do with her. He hadn't forgotten. Whatever they decided, he knew he wouldn't like it. So what was he do to? Training her seemed to be the only option. Once she was stronger, she could leave Konoha and continue a life far away from either death or being a test subject. Even though it meant a life away from him as well.

The thought of letting her go eventually, made him hold her even tighter. Inhaling deeply, he breathed in the scent of her hair, taking in her warmth, cherishing the moments he still had with her. That was – if she still wanted to stay, knowing that a large settlement like Konoha was probably too dangerous for her now, with so many people around, one was bound to recognize her, just like he did.

"Katsumi?"

"Hmm?" Her answer vibrated through him.

"I meant what I said," he whispered. "About you being safe here. You are, you know?"

"I know," she replied, her hands clutching the back of his sweater.

"So you want to stay?"

She moved back so fast, her head almost knocked into his chin. Her eyes were wide. "Of course!" she said and stared up at him. "Why would I leave now?"

He smirked nervously, raising one hand to scratch the back of his head. "Well, with everything that happened and –"

"Yes, even with everything that happened! And with the things you told me. I know I'm safest here, so... um, if you want me to stay, I'll stay!"

"I do want you to stay," he said quietly, watching her closely.

Her smile lit up her entire face. "Then I'll stay," she breathed and leaned up to kiss him softly.

"Stay as long as you like," he whispered against her lips before he deepened the kiss.

Nothing wrong about enjoying it while it lasted, right?

Suddenly, Katsumi dropped in his arms, issuing a tiny yelp as she staggered to the side. He grabbed her waist on instinct and watched her look down at her feet.

"Hmm. Forgot about my foot..." she mumbled and straightened herself by holding onto his arms, grinning nervously at him as she looked back up.

She tried to laugh about the situation but all he could see before his eyes was the blood covered mirror shard he had pulled out of her foot. The mirror he had broken. He clenched his jaw.

"I keep hurting you..." he muttered under his breath, unconsciously tightening his grip on her waist as he looked down.

"Huh?" Her voice was soft, but full of questions. He felt her fingertips on his jaw. "Kakashi?"

Slowly, he focused on her. She looked concerned. "That mirror... I..." He inhaled deeply. "I broke it... and I forgot about it and now your foot..."

"It's okay!" she said quietly, her small hands on his face, causing him to look into her green eyes. The affection inside surprised him deeply. "It's not your fault! Things break and I could have been more careful!"

"But it is my fault," he replied bitterly. "I didn't just break it –"

"What?"

"I punched it."

Her eyes widened. He had to look away.

"Last night, I was so angry, I couldn't –"

"Angry? At... me?" she whispered and he felt how she lowered her hands.

He blinked. "What? No! Not at you!" he said quickly, carefully taking her face between his hands, making her look at him. "I could never be angry at you..." he added softly.

"But –"

He shook his head. "Last night was..." He inhaled and looked up for a moment. "Intense, for both of us, huh? But I'm the adult here and I shouldn't have pushed you –"

"But you didn't!" she said loudly. He lowered his head. "I wanted you to, you know? To... go on like you were about to, but I was so..." Her face grew warmer beneath his hands. Her eyes wandered over his face, avoiding his confused gaze. "I was so overwhelmed by it all that I just couldn't... control what– I was seeing things, you know, for only a second, bad things and my... fire skin reacted to that, not to you! I'm just... so messed up... I never meant for you to get mad..."

Seeing the tears well up in her eyes and hearing her troubled voice, it was all too much for him. Clenching his jaw, he lowered his gaze, trying to control his breathing.

"Kakashi," he heard her say. "It is not your fault. Please believe me! Don't beat yourself up over that." She paused, exhaling loudly. "Can't we just... forget it?"

Slowly, he looked back at her. "I don't know if I can..."

"Hmm."

"Or if I want to..."

She frowned, blinking slowly.

"I'll always beat myself up over certain things, I can't help it. But I do want to believe you... And I'm sure I do not want to forget what happened last night. Before..." As he spoke, he leaned closer to her and as he finished, his nose was pressed against hers, her breath warm on his lips.

"So... let's learn from our mistakes, hm?" she whispered, almost inaudible, holding his gaze.

"Sounds good," he replied, watched her for another second, before moving in and softly pressing his mouth against hers, closing his eyes as he did so. The gentle touch, warm and somewhat innocent, reminded him of something he had forgotten over the years of being mostly by himself:

It takes two to make a thing go right.

A/N:

Sorry about the cheesy last line* XD

Disclaimer:
Kakashi belongs to Kishimoto Masashi. Katsumi is mine. *It takes two is by Rob Base & DJ E-Z Rock (No idea how that thing came to my mind, but it did, deal with it. I might have watched a certain Ryan Reynolds movie earlier...)

Next: We are not done with that dream yet. Stay tuned for more revelations and necessary monologues!

Thank you for your time!