A/N: So... confession time. When Season 7 was airing I was still watching I think season 6 at that point on Netflix - I picked up AoS during quarantine to pass the time, unfortunately I also picked up Avatar the Last Airbender and Daredevil and Rick and Morty and Star vs. the Forces of Evil all at the same time... so basically long story short I still haven't seen season 7 because its still not on Netflix. But that's fine, I literally already know everything that has happened, I just don't want to write season 7 stuff until I've seen it.
So basically, this could have been longer but it's not going to be. Maybe I'll write a follow-up when I finally watch season 7.
An exploration on how Daisy's reaction to losing a parent has evolved over the years.
1 - Jaiying and Cal
Life had always had a way of reminding Skye not to get too comfortable.
She seemed to have a knack for inviting or attracting tragedy. She'd known it from when she was very little. She'd never truly had anyone - and whenever she'd started to feel settled somewhere, whenever she started to feel like she was someone, she had value, she could see a future with the people she was with... things would go horribly wrong. Her foster family would decide to get rid of her. She'd get hurt, either emotionally, physically, or both.
Someone would die.
Skye had learned early on not to get too attached to whoever she was with. People were selfish. People were cruel. People left. It was just common logic to not get too close, to never plant roots. There was no sense in any of that when everyone she'd ever known went away. Nothing was permanent - this Skye knew, had learned time and time again.
In a way, her longing for a family, to find where she came from, was a direct contradiction of everything she'd ever known, her entire life philosophy. She'd lived her life in perfect irony - spending every waking moment searching for where she came from, chasing her family, her real family, while simultaneously opposing the very idea of trusting someone, letting them in.
But for a moment-
Just a moment-
She'd had her parents.
She'd had her family.
They'd had dinner together. She'd sat at a table with her biological father and mother who loved her, genuinely loved her, and they ate dinner as a family. Something most people took for granted, that she'd never truly had. Sure, there had been "family dinner" at some of the foster homes, but not really. The family part of family dinner wasn't there. They didn't care about her, she was merely a guest, a charity case at best, a household parasite at worst.
How funny. She finally had her family, her real family, what she'd always craved for, what she'd been searching for her whole life... and they only were able to have one family dinner before they were ripped away from her again.
Her worldview collided with her contradictory desires, and it blew up in her face.
In a way, she supposed it wasn't surprising. It was her fault, after all, for getting too close, being too hopeful. They were good people, sure, save for a couple minor things... It was good while it lasted, Skye would admit that much. For a moment, her mother loved her. She'd taught her how to be in control of her powers, how to accept who she was and celebrate it, even when others feared her or hated her for it. And sure, in a way everything Jaiying had done afterwards, in her eyes, was for the good of her daughter.
Well, maybe except for trying to kill her. That might have been crossing the line.
And for a moment, Skye had a father. And at first, she thought she was better off without. At first, he was a monster, an absolutely horrible, murderous monster that she was absolutely appalled to be related to. But... everything he'd done was for her. He loved her too. Skye couldn't brush off what he'd done, but she couldn't help but appreciate the fact that it really was all for her.
Something inside her had twisted when it happened - when Cal killed Jaiying, when Cal went through the T.A.H.I.T.I. protocol. She couldn't quite figure out exactly what she felt, but it was strange and confusing and foreign to her. A complex combination of hurt and mourning, longing and nostalgia, but also bitterness and frustration. She should have expected it. People were constantly being ripped away from her, and it had been too good to be true.
Skye refused to allow herself to be upset about the whole ordeal. She knew better. A sense of belonging and family had eluded her all her life - she'd adapted to operate without it, perhaps was more comfortable that way. Of course, she had to admit she was a bit... whatever she was feeling. But she couldn't let it cloud her mind. It wasn't anything new, of course, so there was absolutely no sense in letting that fog of confusing emotions settle in her head.
She took on a new project. Worked tirelessly day in and day out, poured all her energy into work.
She'd met her parents. Now they were gone. That was the end of it.
But Skye wouldn't let herself let go of them completely. All her life she'd searched for them, scoured the planet for that one piece of her that was missing, and she'd found it. And they were good. Not perfect. But good.
They called her Daisy.
She wasn't Skye. Skye was lost. Skye was confused. Skye was missing entirely fundamental aspects of herself.
Skye didn't know who she was.
Her parents had named her Daisy.
So she was Daisy.
~/~
2 - Coulson
Daisy remembered the last time she'd seen Coulson before he died.
He'd hugged her tight, whispered how proud he was of her, how much he loved her. He'd given her a letter encased in a sealed envelope, her name written in his handwriting right on the front. He'd rubbed her shoulder, his eyes brimming with love and sadness as he studied her face once more, as she tried so hard not to lose it.
He and May went off to Tahiti afterwards. And Daisy went to the Zephyr where the others were waiting.
And they went off.
Daisy remembered it all not feeling real. She remembered compartmentalizing it the way she'd always done - she'd seen Coulson, then he and May left. Sure, there were reminders everywhere, but as long as she'd shoved the letter in the back of her drawer, as long as she kept busy, threw herself into work again, she could force her emotions away and make it impossible to feel sad.
Because, as much as she hated to admit it, she still remembered the emotional gut-punch from losing her birth parents. She still remembered how difficult it had been to lose them, even after only having them for a short period of time.
And this was Coulson.
The one who'd been by her side for years now. The one who pulled her from the alleyway and gave her a purpose and a family. The one who saved her life when she took a bullet to the stomach. The one who did everything he could to accept her and help her figure out her powers, then fought for her and all other Inhumans. The one who searched endlessly for her when she abandoned the team after Lincoln's death. The one who helped her remember who she was, who believed in her before she'd even believed in herself.
The one who wouldn't leave her behind in space even though she would be the Destroyer of Worlds, because he loved her too much.
No.
Put those thoughts away.
Don't think like that.
No sense in dwelling on the past.
Daisy remembered she'd been told he had merely days, maybe a handful of weeks left to live. She remembered May pulling her aside, making sure she was going to be okay, asking her one last time if she wanted to come with them to Tahiti with them. Daisy had declined; she couldn't bear to watch her father figure die in front of her slowly, and she didn't want to take away from May and Coulson's last few days alone together.
She hated that she couldn't be there until the end.
She hated herself for that.
Daisy remembered a few weeks later, after she had pushed any and all thoughts of Coulson to the back of her mind, when May returned to the base, her expression a completely unreadable mess of emotion and attempt to portray a lack thereof. Chin up, she'd asked Mack what he wanted her working on, not a single word of the man they'd all just lost.
Daisy remembered all the emotions flooding back in all at once. She remembered her breath catching in her throat at May's return, because it meant he was really, truly gone. He wasn't out on an island enjoying margaritas and endless white sand, he wasn't dozing in the sun hand-in-hand with the love of his life, he wasn't making grilled cheese with the teal-blue ocean just outside his window.
He was gone.
Daisy remembered her chest tightening. She remembered the tears instantly flooding her eyes, blinding her. She remembered as after everyone greeted May, they slowly turned back to look at her, to see how she was holding up. She remembered digging her nails into the palms of her hands, biting the inside of her cheek, her heart aching like a monster had just ripped a hole in her chest.
She remembered swallowing her emotions. Lifting her chin, her gaze shifting upwards to the ceiling so she could compose herself before landing back on Mack. She remembered flashing him a feeble smile, and stating that preparations for space travel had been made, that she'd put together a team ready to search the depths of space to find Fitz and bring him home. She remembered avoiding May's gaze at all costs.
She didn't even say goodbye to May before taking off for space.
She left within the next hour.
Dyed her hair that night on the ship.
As long as she was far, far away from the base, she wouldn't have to constantly be reminded of her father's absence.
She could continue compartmentalizing, she could keep burying it all, she could apply that same sense she'd applied to the rest of her parental figures. He would get the same little space in her mind where her parents lived, where Lincoln resided. She'd visit sometimes, maybe, but it was just best if she left it in the corner of her mind, along with all the other casualties she'd seen, along with people like Andrew Garner and Trip. They were there. They were important, had shaped her - but it was best if she let it be, and never went back.
Coulson had been in her life. Now he was gone. That was the end of it.
But it hurt-
Oh it hurt-
God, how was she supposed to go on without him-
There was nothing without him-
That was the end of it.
~/~
3 - May
Time stopped when Daisy fell to her knees, holding May as she uttered her final words, drew one last shuddery breath.
May had asked if there had been anything left of Coulson. And Daisy had shook her head, her heart shattering into a million tiny pieces.
And May said she'd see him soon.
And Daisy couldn't compartmentalize it anymore.
Because dammit it hurt, it hurt so badly and she couldn't keep pushing it away, she couldn't keep suppressing it anymore. Every day without Coulson was so hard, every single little thing reminded her of him - the plaque they'd hung as a memorial made her throat tighten; every time she wandered into the kitchen her eyes would burn with tears, remembering when Coulson used to cook the team dinner every night, God he made such a damn good grilled cheese; it felt like a hole had been ripped in her chest every single time she saw May, the woman he'd loved, the woman who'd been by his side through everything.
Everywhere on Earth reminded her of Phil Coulson. He'd left such a substantial, profound mark on the world that she couldn't bear to exist on it without him.
So she ran away again. Went to space, where Coulson hadn't even existed.
But when she'd returned, she had May again. And even if Coulson's absence had been too much to bear alone, she didn't have to with her mother there. She and May could mourn together, could move on together.
Sarge threw a bit of a monkey wrench in the moving on part, but hey, nothing was ever easy at S.H.I.E.L.D.
But even with the void formed from Coulson's absence, Daisy had her mother. They'd always been close, but they'd grown even closer since Coulson's death. They needed each other. When Daisy had returned from space to see Sarge there, taunting the team, sneering at her about daddy issues, May had been there to comfort her, to make sure she was okay. And when May was convinced that a piece of Coulson was still in Sarge, Daisy remained levelheaded and pushed aside her own hopes and emotions to do what May couldn't.
And shit, it was Daisy's fault she was dying in her arms now.
Melinda May...
Her mother. The one who hated her at first, but eventually came around. The one who beat the crap out of Ian Quinn when he'd shot her. The one who took her under her wing, trained her, taught her everything she knew. The one who taught her control and balance; the one who taught her to manage her breathing, to control her emotions. The one who always sought her out when she needed it most to give her advice she needed to hear, regardless of if it was what she'd wanted. The one who she'd had to learn how to read, but once she could, she could tell exactly what May was thinking just by a flicker of the eyes.
And shit, it was Daisy's fault May was dying, it was her fault, it was her fault...
And when Coulson had died Daisy could run away. She could leave and pretend it never happened, she could hide from it. But it wasn't what she should have done - May had taught her that she had to face it head on, she had to deal with it, and she didn't have to do it alone.
When Daisy had lost her father, she still had her mother to pick up the pieces and get through it with her.
But now her mother was here, dying in her arms, because of her...
And God, it wasn't fair, it wasn't fair, they'd been too good to die the way they had. None of it was fair. Coulson had died and a smart-mouthed bastard took his face and came out of nowhere, bringing Izel and the Shrike with him, and he'd stabbed the only woman who believed that he'd had a bit of Coulson in him.
How was that fair?
And while it felt so selfish, Daisy couldn't help that nagging, bitter feeling in the back of her mind. She'd run away from S.H.I.E.L.D. after Lincoln's death, she'd left behind the only family she'd known, and when she had come back they did everything they could to help her move on. Coulson and May bent over backwards for her. And she hadn't been able to return to that family dynamic they'd had before. They got stuck in the Framework, then immediately got stuck in the future, then had to save the world, and then Coulson was gone.
And now May was gone.
And Daisy hadn't gotten the chance to really appreciate having a mom and dad again. Not for a long, long time.
Why was everyone always ripped away from her?
Why did everyone always have to go away?
Life had always had a way of reminding Skye not to get too comfortable, and she absolutely resented it.
She'd learned to plant roots, she'd learned it was okay to get close to someone, to accept and give love and know she was valued and that the people she was with truly wanted her in their lives for the long run. She'd finally had a real family. She finally had what she'd always wanted - a mother and a father who loved her so very much, who had her back through everything, who were always there for her when she needed advice or a shoulder to cry on.
And goddammit she loved them, she loved them so much it hurt, and she hadn't appreciated that this whole time she'd had her family until suddenly they were gone again.
God, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts-
First Coulson, now May-
Family-
There's nothing without Coulson and May-
And family dinners and grilled cheese and Tai Chi at 5 in the morning and breathing exercises and advice. And the bright red Corvette and sitting in the cockpit and diners and pie and and nothing but love and love and love...
And that was gone now.
And Daisy was supposed to move on from all that somehow.
But suddenly there was Simmons, and suddenly May was taken from her and Daisy was told that she'd be okay, and suddenly there was an LMD of Coulson right behind the door, and all she had to do was press the button, and suddenly so much hope flooded her chest, she could have her parents again, oh God she could see them again and truly appreciate having them because it was just too much to bear without them, she couldn't stand the world without the people she loved the most, and suddenly she had a do-over, she had a way to have both her parents back and goddammit she was going to take it.