Chapter 9.
Severus was bewildered. He had developed so many feelings in those last weeks that he was surprised he hadn't yet blown up. It certainly was a lot to take in such a short time, but he guessed he had to make up for lost time. He had a life to get back to. His relationship with Alba was going smoothly and, even he feared she was keeping things from him, he cared for her deeply. Besides, he probably was keeping much more from her than the other way around. He had never been one to talk much, and even less of his personal life, and in this case he couldn't very well tell her he was a wizard at house arrest, charged because he had killed one of the most important men in the Wizarding Word. He just couldn't.
However, what was giving him a hard time wasn't his bond with Alba but the one he had formed with Hermione Granger. The girl was a volcano of positive energy and every time she would smile at him, he would find himself spiralling into a whirlwind of emotions he hadn't experienced since… well, since Lily. He had tried to stay somewhat detached from her, but it seemed impossible. Since their dinner together at her flat, he had started to see her differently, and he seemed unable to shake the image of her beautiful sleeping face from his mind. He had wanted to kiss him back then, and only thanks to his remarkable willpower he had been able to stop himself.
Now, she shared a corner of his heart with Alba, and he didn't know what to do, beside deeply sighing with his hands through his hair. I'm fucked! I'm totally fucked!
It was the middle of the night on a Tuesday and he was reading a Muggle novel he was enjoying a lot. Alba wasn't online, and she hadn't been since Saturday, but he wasn't really bothered by her absence. She missed her a lot but he needed some space right now, to understand what was happening to him and organise his emotions. He was startled from his reading when he heard a loud pounding on his door, followed by voice outside, and he was immediately on his feet, his wand ready on his hand. His heart was beating so fast he could hear it in his ears and, when he understood Aurors were at his door, the noise only increased.
When he opened the door and the two men that usually escorted him on Thursdays came in and explained what had happened and why they were there, he had to Occlude so strongly in order to keep his balance and not fall on his knees before them. Hermione… Hermione… Hermione…
Hermione had been brought to San Mungo's on Sunday morning and only then she had regained consciousness and asked after him. The Mediwizards thought that some magical element that had tricked some old dark magic that had stayed latent inside her body since probably the final battle and made her internal organs bleed. He remembered helping Madame Pomfrey heal her in fifth year after the Battle in Department of Mysteries where that bastard of Dolohov had cursed her with one of his powerful curses which he knew, caused internal injuries. It was probably some side effect, but it could always be something else, he couldn't be sure. They had saved her just in time, but his witch was strong and, even if she was in pain, had regained consciousness and was fighting for her life.
Hermione… Hermione… Hermione… I can't lose you, I can't. Please, please, please!
His mind was a total mess and memories of his past kept coming to the forefront, blinding him in his own grief and despair. He had already lost Lily so many years before; he couldn't lose Hermione too.
When he arrived in San Mungo's, he was escorted to her room. He hesitated just a few seconds in front of her door, but then pushed it open and went inside. The room was quiet and calm, dark with only a ray from the moon illuminating the prone figure on the bed. Hermione was laying on her side, her pale body covered by a white thin sheet and her arms around her middle. Her delicate face was contorted in a grimace of pain, her brows furrowed, and lips stretched in a thin line. It seemed that she hadn't heard his arrival, so he approached the bed and sit down next to her in a conjured chair.
"Hermione…" he murmured so softly he barely heard himself and caressed her pale cheeks, trailing his fingertips ever so lightly over her flesh. He watched as she trembled and her eyes fluttered open, revealing tired and pained caramel irises.
"Severus…" she breathed looking at him with half-lidded eyes. "I'm not dreaming, am I?"
"No, you're not."
"You're here."
"I am." He answered stroking her cheeks and hair with such tenderness he only seldom showed to others, and she sighed in relief. "How are you feeling?"
"A total wreck."
"A beautiful one, nonetheless." He replied honestly and she smiled weakly at his words, but he was genuine. She really was beautiful, even with her pale flesh and a mess of tangled hair fanning her head. Her delicate face showed the signs of her tiredness and discomfort but for him she was still a sight.
"I can imagine my hair… they must be a right mess!"
"Indeed, they are." He said smirking and she stuck her tongue at him in a playful way, before becoming one more time serious.
"I'm sorry."
"Whatever for?"
"I wanted to bake your favourite chocolate chips cookies these days and take them to you on Thursday."
At hearing her words, the nervousness which had settled in his stomach at her apologies vanished immediately, replaced by a warm humming which suffused his insides. Hermione was an amazing girl and he felt content at the thought that, not only had she wanted him by her side at such a moment but also, she had wanted to do something for him.
"Don't worry about that. We will bake them together as soon as you're feeling better." He answered, but the sweet smile he loved so much never arrived as cramps hit her and her face contorted in a grimace.
"It hurts so much." She said in a small voice clutching at her stomach and breathing hard, her eyes closed and mouth slightly open. Watching her suffer made him ache all over and everything he wanted in that moment was to make her pain go away.
"Stop talking and concentrate on your breathing." Severus instructed her, mimicking the right breathing movements and waiting for her to copy him. "In and out. Come on, my brave little lioness."
"I love it when you use endearments to address me."
"I didn't know that. What's your favourite then?"
"Know-it-all." At that, he chuckled. He used to call her that when in school because that's what she was. Not that she had changed much in that aspect, she knew far more than most of the wizards and witches her age and older, but she didn't go around flaunting her knowledge anymore.
"I haven't called you that in ages."
"I know, but I still like it." She gasped, a throaty moan leaving her lips, and he immediately reached for her, grasping her tiny hand between hers and trying to give her the strength she needed.
"The effects of the painkillers are vanishing…" he muttered under his breath, knowing that for a couple of hours she couldn't be dosed with more. One of the Mediwitches had explained that pain relievers slowed her recovery, for this reason they had to keep them to a minimum, otherwise her body would never be able to heal properly. She had to suffer, and he could do nothing for her. "Where does it hurt?"
Breathing hard, Hermione brought one of his hands to lay above her stomach, and she sighed when the waves of pain somewhat eased a little. They stayed like that for hours, enjoying the silence and the presence of the other. Severus never stopped caressing her flesh and hair while his big hand pressed securely on her stomach. The gentle contact seemed to help relieve the pain a little, and after some time she finally drifted off to sleep. He kept watch over her all night, engraving each and every line of her face in his mind.
In the last days he had come to realise how much he cared for Hermione and how deep inside his heart his feelings went, but he couldn't do much about that. She was already involved with someone else, definitely someone who deserved her more than him, and he himself was somehow trying to build a new life for himself. And he cared for Alba, what she had shown him was pure pleasure and a kindness which spoke of care and love. What they shared was nothing like what he had ever experienced, but so was what Hermione had given him. The only difference was that Hermione was real, all flesh and emotions, while Alba… she was everything his former student was and yet something hit at his heart. He wanted to see her, finally learn her features and keep her between his arms. He wanted to kiss her and make love to her; and yet, that's what his heart desired every time his dark eyes would meet Hermione's caramel ones. Could it even be possible that he cared for two different women at the same time?
His reveries were suddenly interrupted by a cold hand upon his, which was still laying on Hermione's stomach. When his eyes met hers, she was regarding him with a curious but steady gaze, as if trying to discern his thoughts.
"Thank you." She said softly, her voice a rough whisper, entwining their fingers.
"Whatever for?"
"For being here, with me." She answered tightening her hold on his hand. "And for giving me the chance to getting to know you."
"I should be the one telling you this…" he mumbled, trying to lessen the colour that had risen to his cheeks. Thank Merlin it's still dark! "After everything I have done to you in all the years you have been my student…"
"You are lucky I'm not a resentful person."
"I am very much, indeed." He confirmed, lifting a corner of his mouth.
"Come closer…" she asked him, and he obliged drawing nearer.
When his face was just a couple of inches from hers, she placed a hand on his cheek and a gentle kiss on his pale flesh. His eyes fluttered closed at the sensation of her dry but soft lips and he heard himself sigh with pleasure at the same time as her. When she moved away a little, his noses and mouths so close he could have easily kissed her, their eyes met and he felt himself plunge into deep pools of liquid caramel, drowning in them so fast it was like loosing himself in the water.
In that moment he knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that he wished to lose himself in her embrace and never come back. Her eyes were so beautiful and intense, her smell so sweet and enchating, her lips so inviting and so near, her body so welcoming… and she was looking at him with such a force he really didn't know what to think, what to do. Then, like every charm, it ended and she moved away. He was breathless, and so was she, but her gaze was warm and her cheeks slightly pink. However, she didn't seem embarrassed and for that he was thankful.
"Read something for me?" she asked caressing his hand and settling more comfortably in her bed. Severus thought about it for a moment, then drew up from his pocket the book he had been reading at home before being interrupted.
He spent the rest of the night and the first hours of the new day reading to her, watching her grimace in pain and then drift off to sleep, only to be woken up by more cramps. His voice was steady and, in those moments he had her full attention, he had her enraptured. The novel was an Italian muggle bestseller, written by a famous writer, he had discovered only in recent days. 'Ocean Sea', that was the title, had been an amazing discovery and he was happy to share it with her.
He read for hours, keeping her company with his voice, but when he reached his favourite passage in the book, his voice wavered and a lump in his throat formed. He didn't stop but his gaze went very briefly to her face and he found her looking intently at him.
"In Carewall, they would never stop telling this story, if only they knew it. They would never stop." He carefully read, giving an even deeper edge to his voice. "Each in his own way, but they would all carry on telling the tale of those two and a whole night spent restoring life to each other, with lips and with hands, a young girl who has seen nothing and a man who has seen too much, one inside the other - every inch of skin a journey, of discovery, of homecoming - in Adam's mouth to savour the taste of the world, on Elisewin's breast to forget it - in the womb of that deeply troubled night, black storm, flashes of spume in the darkness, waves like collapsing woodpiles, noise, resounding blasts, raging with sound and speed, hurled onto the veined surface of the sea, the sinews of the world, ocean, sea, a drenched colossus, writhing - sighs, sighs in Elisewin's throat -soaring velvet - sighs at each new step in that world that crosses mountains never seen and lakes with forms unimaginable - on Adam's belly the white weight of that young girl swaying to the soundless music - whoever would have said that by kissing the eyes of a man you could see so far away - by caressing the legs of a young girl you could run so fast and escape - escape from everything - to see so far away - they came from the two farthest extremities of life, this is the amazing thing, one would have thought they would have never met, if not by crossing the universe from one end to the other, and instead they did not even have to look for each other, this is the incredible thing, and the only hard thing was recognizing each other, recognizing each other, the work of a moment, at the first glance they already knew, this is the marvellous thing - this is the tale they would continue to tell, forever, in Carewall, so that no one might forget that we are never far enough away to find one another, never - but those two were far enough away - to find each other, far away, farther than any other and now - Elisewin's voice cried out, because of the torrents of stories that are storming her soul, and Adam weeps, as he feels them slipping away, those stories, finished, finally, finished - perhaps the world is a wound and someone is stitching it up in the fusion of those two bodies - and it is not even love, this is the amazing thing, but it is hands, and skin, lips, astonishment, sex, tastes, - sadness, perhaps - even sadness - desire - when they tell the story they will not say the word love - they will say a thousand words, but they will not mention love - all is silent around them, when suddenly Elisewin feels her back breaking and her mind fading into white, she holds the man close inside her, clasps his hands, and thinks: I'll die. She feels her back breaking and her mind fading into white, she holds that man close inside her, clasps his hand, and, you see, she will not die."
When he finished, he briefly stopped to get his breathing in check, and looked at her. Hermione's eyes were close, but he knew she wasn't sleeping but only savouring the moment. Adam and Elisewin's story was a very emotional one which had made him shiver uncontrollably for long minutes the first time he had read it, and he had no doubts the same emotions were spiralling inside Hermione at that very same moment.
"You gave me the goosebumps." She said softly opening her eyes and giving him a sad look.
"Did you like it?"
"I love it, thank you." And with that she kissed his knuckles in a gentle gesture that made his heart skip a beat.
How he had come to care so deeply for her in such a short amount of time he didn't know. What he knew however, was that he had found a treasure in her and would try his best to keep her with him. He had already lost one friend; he wasn't going to do the same mistake twice.