Happy New Year everyone! Take care our yourselves ;)
Chap. 9 - Higgins
Juliet looked far into the distance as she pushed on the soles of her feet, feeling her sneakers sink into the golden sand. She tried to mute her mind, each stride bringing her further away from Robin's Nest, Magnum, and everything that had been said and left unsaid between them.
She ran until her lungs couldn't take it anymore; until the burning in her chest replaced the ache in her heart. Even Zeus and Apollo couldn't keep up with her and were barking at her, as if trying to tell her to wait for them.
She finally stopped, doubled over to try and catch her breath. She could feel beads of sweat roll down her collarbone before disappearing into her purple sports bra. For a moment she even thought she was going to be sick.
Maybe she overdid it, she thought as she watched the dogs.
They were both lying on the sand next to her feet; apparently she had exhausted them.
Now that her oxygen levels were getting back to normal, her thoughts inevitably traveled to her marital issues and the tense interactions she and Magnum had with each other over the past couple of days.
She missed the easy relationship they had built in the last couple of months, but she understood something was bothering him and it was drawing a wedge between them.
She sighed as she started to go back to the estate, at a much slower pace.
« Come on, lads. »
The Dobermans stood up and joined her as she tried to enjoy the scenery around her but it wasn't working.
The more she tried to ignore the issue with Magnum, the more she actually thought about it. So much so that she had forgotten who she was supposed to remember yesterday.
Richard.
Yesterday had been the anniversary of his death and she had forgotten about it.
When she woke up this morning and the information had finally registered in her brain, she felt awful. Nobody knew about this particular date and what it meant to her, and she made sure to keep it as a secret; even from Magnum, prefering to keep her grief private.
Only on that day did she let herself entertain special thoughts about Richard and the life she had lost with him: their marriage and the planned parenthood they were looking forward to.
Not thinking about him this year made her feel incredibly guilty, like she was forgetting him.
Maybe she was, she thought as her heart clenched.
Maybe Magnum had been slowly but surely taking his place in her heart.
She knew she had feelings for him: she cared about him and was emotionally attached to him, but was it love?
She thought she had loved Richard with all her heart, but what she was feeling for Magnum seemed even stronger.
Maybe what she felt for her husband was love after all.
But she had already lost the love of her life once. She understood now that she had been lucky enough to be granted another chance with another amazing man, but she felt frozen; too scared of losing him like she lost Richard. She knew she wouldn't be able to live through that again.
The episode at the warehouse was evidence of that. When she had thought she had lost him, she swore she felt her heart stop, and there would have been no possibility to start it back if he had died that day.
She finally made it back to Robin's Nest and went straight to the kitchen for a bottle of water while the dogs were noisily slurping into their bowls of water. She was hanging out in the main house because she didn't want to run into her husband right now. She needed some time to think about a lot of things.
She then went in the study and sat at her desk when her eyes fell on the shelf on her right where the bottle of mixed sand from the wedding was sitting.
Their wedding. At first she didn't want to make a big deal out of it, she just intended to go to city hall and get it over with, but Magnum had convinced her to do a small, private ceremony to make it look more convincing. She had no regrets about listening to him; their wedding had been perfect and she would cherish that day in her heart for a long time.
She was so lost in her musings that she didn't hear Kumu entering the room and was startled when she spoke.
« Good morning Juliet. »
« Good morning Kumu. Sorry, my mind was elsewhere I guess. »
The older woman smiled and sat in the armchair on the other side of the desk.
"You know why I love this marriage ritual so much?" She asked her as she pointed towards the bottle of mixed sand.
Higgins shook her head.
"As soon as the white and black sands are poured, it's impossible to separate them again. Their lives are so infinitely united in marriage that you can't go back to just white sand or black sand."
Juliet thought about that and had to agree because there was no way her life with Magnum hadn't changed her to her core. She didn't know if she could go back to her life from before and they had only been married for two months.
How could she forget the horrified expression he had worn when she had made dinner for them and it was a vegetarian dish? Or how the next day he decided he would be the one to cook and made her lasagna. She had loved the proud expression he had worn when she told him it was delicious.
What about movie night? How could she go back to watching movies on her own, without Magnum talking through the entire thing? Or without him falling asleep when she finally won and they watched the movie she had chosen? Those times were her favorite because she dared to slide closer to him and lay her head on his shoulder while he slept peacefully next to her.
Kumu broke her out of her reverie for the second time in less than ten minutes.
« I have something for you. »
Juliet frowned as she eyed the wrapped package the Hawaiian woman put on the desk in front of her.
"Come on, open it."
She did as she was told and found a picture inside a beautiful, golden frame.
"They say a picture is worth a thousand words, and I believe this one speaks for itself," Kumu told her.
It was a photograph of Magnum and her on their wedding day, the exact moment right before they first kissed as husband and wife. She was cupping his cheek and they were staring into each other's eyes. The way they looked at each other made her gasp; there was so much affection, especially in his eyes.
"I took it with my phone and I thought it was so beautiful it belonged in a frame. And just so you know, that's exactly what I showed the immigration lady as my answer when she asked me if your marriage was genuine."
Juliet looked up from the frame in her hands to meet Kumu's eyes.
Right, immigration.
In the midst of all this drama and tension between her and Magnum, she had almost forgotten the reason why they were married in the first place; and that reason wasn't love.
Kumu must have sensed where her thoughts had drifted because she put her hand on top of hers.
"I just thought you needed to see what everyone around you is already seeing. We didn't have to lie to immigration about your attachment to one another."
"Having feelings for each other is not going to be enough for this marriage to become a real one, Kumu."
"Maybe not, but it's a start."
With that, she got up and left her, and Juliet felt even more lost than before. One thing was for sure, she needed to shower after her intense run.
She placed the framed picture on the desk where she could see it while working, and made her way towards the guesthouse where she found Magnum in the kitchen, taking ingredients out of the cupboards.
"Hey," she greeted him.
She twirled her wedding rings nervously around her finger. He looked up from measuring flour but didn't smile at her. She felt a pang in her stomach, it didn't bode well for their conversation.
"Hey," he answered noncommittally.
"What are you doing?" She asked as she tried to break the ice.
"It's Sunday so I'm making chocolate chip pancakes for brunch."
"Okay, that sounds nice."
He looked at her again and she could tell she wasn't going to like where this was going.
"Maybe you'd like to shower before we eat."
"No, it looks like you have something to say and I'd like for us to stop beating around the bush and say what's on our minds."
She was mentally preparing herself for him announcing that he wanted a divorce.
"Okay, as you wish."
He wiped his hands on a dish towel, a bit embarrassed by what he had to tell her.
"I'm thinking about reenlisting in the Navy Seals."
"I'm sorry, what?"
She really wasn't expecting that.
"You heard me," he told her as he rolled his eyes and she was impressed, it almost looked like her.
"You can't be serious?"
"Yes, I think it's the best solution for us right now."
"The best solution? The day we married you begged me not to let you live here alone and now you're actually doing the very same thing you didn't want me to do?"
"We were different back then."
She scoffed. He had to be joking.
"That was two months ago."
He continued as if she hadn't said anything.
"We can remain married so you can apply for your green card, but I would be sent away on missions. I would get out of your hair and I wouldn't have to suffer in silence because my feelings are not reciprocated. We'll get a divorce in a year claiming we couldn't handle the distance. Everybody wins."
He shrugged and went back to his pancake batter.
"Feelings?"
Heat rushed through her body and her heart hammered in her chest. Maybe they would be having a conversation about feelings after all.
"Oh yeah, haven't you heard? I'm in love with you."
She blinked a couple of times, not sure if she heard him properly. He was in love with her? And he told her like he would tell her about the day's weather.
He turned around to cook the pancakes in the pan.
How could he act so normal when he just dropped not one, but two bombs on her?
"When is your next mission?"
She tried to keep the emotions out of her voice, but she was failing miserably as her throat constricted and she felt the tears well up in her eyes.
"I have a meeting with Greene's replacement tomorrow morning. I'll know more then."
He was in love with her.
And he was leaving.
He was leaving her.
She had been scared of losing him if she acted on her feelings; and yet she was going to lose him because she actually wasn't responding to his feelings.
Talk about irony.
She sniffled as she felt two fat tears rolled down her cheeks. She felt unbalanced, like someone had swept out a rug under her feet. She had barely started understanding the extent of her feelings for him and he was abandoning her.
He was still here though, and she would be damned if she let him escape without telling him how she felt. She didn't have time anymore and words might not be enough to make him stay, but she had to try anyway.
She practically ran to him and wrapped her arms around his torso, pressing herself against his back while he was flipping pancakes like nothing was out of the ordinary.
She felt him stiffen before he let out a deep breath and turned off the burner but still didn't move. She laid her cheek between his shoulder blades.
"Don't leave me, Thomas," she sobbed.
How could she live without his warmth? They were living in Hawaii where no one was ever cold, yet she was craving his body heat against hers all the time.
He caressed her hands that were tightly gripping his chest where she could feel his heart beat steadily, but he still didn't say anything.
"I want this life with you. I want the morning cuddles with the wandering hands, the Sunday brunch with your wonderful pancakes. I want the partnership at work and the date nights at La Mariana. I want to run with you on the beach and I want to make love with you. I even want to one day hear little feet pitter-patter around the house. You're it for me, Thomas, you're the one who made me forget about the life I lost. I want to experience all of these things, but only if you're the one I'm sharing them with."
She couldn't stop her tears now, her heart ached so much at the thought of losing him because of her stubborn heart and mind.
He turned around in her embrace and she saw his misted eyes looking at her like he couldn't believe what she had just said. It made her want to confess everything; this secret she kept inside her chest for so long was suffocating her now.
"I love you Thomas."