Hello, dear readers. Hope you enjoy this chapter and let me know what you think, I put a lot of thought into it. Hope you like it. I edited passed chapters, so don't get surprised by the little adjustments I made. Thanks to DarkAnimale for the comments and continuous support. Have a nice reading!
Usually, when someone finds out that whoever they love actually reciprocates the feeling some giddy reaction arises to the news: butterflies on the stomach, euphoria, stupid permanent smile and so on.
Melinda May was not your normal kind of gal, though. Upon discovering that Phil was in love with her, there was no jumping to be had or any tears of joy. In fact, she swiftly covered her surprise and stood still as she saw the man she loved walk away in the company of her parents.
Oh, she was relieved of founding out who was it Phil fancied and she was colossally elated that it was actually herself, but there was something that outshined it all.
Fear.
In the bottom of her stomach she felt terror clutching her and squeezing her insides to nausea. She didn't fear things like bugs or heights, no, she feared stuff like corruption, a dishonorable death, and losing Phil. She really loved that guy and his sweet golden heart, she'd never had a friend like him. From his dorkiness to his caring nature, passing through his sense of humor and intelligence, she treasured him above all else. And now that it could actually mean getting closer, she loath the idea of losing him even more.
So once the awkward little trio was out of her eyesight, she decided very resolutely to examine her life to the most insignificant tiny little detail: deadpanned, no sugarcoating, just brutal honesty. She sat down on her bed and for a second looked at her priceless, most beloved black notebook where she poured the innermost of her soul and decided she couldn't desecrate it with the stuff she was about to do. For a second she allowed herself to truly take in the shock of having trusted her little treasure in Phil's hands. He probably didn't know what he'd had in his possession, she really took a big risk on that. No one had ever looked into that book, not even her dad. Well, to be fair, her dad got glimpses of it, but had never seen the whole thing.
So, taking the other notebook, where she had scrabbled her notes all day and couldn't care less for, she picked up a pencil and exercised one of her coolest, if she did said so herself, skills. Very nonchalantly, she drew quick sketches of all the guys she'd dated and wrote down the things they accused her off.
She'd normally be more careful with her art. It was sacred for her, she always treated it very respectfully for it was Heaven on paper. She absolutely loved to draw. With a pencil in hand she felt like she could take on the world, for she could command every stroke and they'd bend to her will, expressing exactly what she wanted. Oh, but maybe she was stretching it a bit. Her drawing was also source of humbleness, because she had to submit herself to what the pencil could do. She didn't work with a brush and paint so she had to deal with the lack of movement. She used pencils and pens, and their mechanics had their own rules on how they worked. It was so glorious for her to draw whatever was on her mind, much easier than saying it out loud. It was her way to express herself, and it was so intimately revealing of her very soul that very few people knew about it. Actually two people, her parents, but only her dad ever got to see her drawings, and not all of them.
But she was not drawing for pleasure tonight. She was critically analyzing herself, sitting on an imaginary bench to pass judgment and finally get a fix on her life. She didn't care what psychologists could say, she was getting to the bottom of it right now. She didn't have time nor care for stupid processes and the marshmallow way that Phil prattled about since his Psychology courses started on their second year.
Cold, unfeeling, uncaring, had been using him, no commitment, didn't care at all for him, selfish, unexpressive; and a whole lot of disgraceful adjectives that were quite brutally associated with herself were mercilessly written at the bottom of her sketches. It hadn't been easy to hear it from their mouths when they had uttered the words enraged, and it certainly was not putting a rainbow in her ceiling right now. But she was a strong woman, she wouldn't run from her memories. She'd confront them head on and wrestle with every single one of them until victory was achieved. She'd accept nothing but a full surrender of her inner foes.
But then she encountered a face that made her pause and, well, it was a gigantic can of worms.
Andrew had been her first love. He was charming and smart and made her laugh so easily she had once suspected he was feeding her laughing gas. It was a natural gift he had, making her comfortable. He always gave her his full attention, even if she was just talking about some boring Karate tournament she had just won. He was a good listener.
But then he had met her mother and everything had gone horribly wrong. He had turned into some kind of monster that had killed something inside her as he ran away and hide. That was Andrew, the guy who had swept her off her feet for the first time, promised her the moon, sun and stars, and then turned into a big furry monster that ran away as soon as her mother had appeared and pull her intimidation routine from her arsenal.
He hadn't returned his calls after that dinner with her parents. In fact, he hadn't finished eating, he rose amid interrogation and ran away without even saying goodbye. The proportions of the fight with her mother afterwards made an atomic bomb look no graver than a baby's sneeze.
May sighed. Her mother. It all ended up being connected to her, it had always been like that. Her mother demanded her devotion but at the same time, always left her behind at the first opportunity. She drew enraged remembering how her mother would always promise to stay with her for her birthday but on the very day would fleet, sometimes barely saying goodbye too, and it was like so on every single holiday or vacation, every down time she had. Her mother never stayed, but still somehow could find time to ruin her life at every chance she got.
May looked at the sketch of herself as a little girl, sitting with her legs to her chest, her face hidden, and her arms tightly hugging all of her frame; and her mother walking out the door with a suit case in hand. She rubbed her eyes tiredly. It had been so confusing growing up, there were so many inconsistencies it made her dizzy to remember. For one, all her childhood circled around deciphering if her parents were on or off at the time. They had broken up so many times that she couldn't keep count. Like really, they had even gotten divorced once, only to get married again few months later. She could see with her mind's eye her parents arguing on the kitchen time and time again because her mother had just taken an unexpected mission after having been pushing her daughter to exhaustion with early training.
Tears stung at her eyes at that very moment. Why did her mom have to be that way? Didn't she know how badly it hurt? Did she even care? Did she know that she cried herself to sleep every time she saw her dad sleeping in the couch again? That she had vowed to burn that couch to the ground as soon as she could get away with it?
May took a deep breath, feeling her throat constricted in a painful nod as she looked at the new sketch she had done of that revolting couch with her father laying on it looking so broken, only his back visible. She really loved her parents, both of them, but the relationship they had made her sick to her stomach. Even if her dad understood her mom on an impossible level, they still made her hate the instability and the fighting. Sometimes weeks could go by without her mom speaking to her dad and that invisible wall tore her apart.
And now she'd drag Phil into this? No way, absolutely no. Her passed relationships were a nightmare, her mother was even worse, and the reference she had of marriage was so messed up she wanted to pull her hair and scream.
She sniffled and felt her chin trembling as her eyes filled with unshed tears. After the mess with Andrew she had been so heartbroken she had decided no one would ever hurt her like that again, she wouldn't allow it. She had dated infinite guys but not once had she let any of them to really get close to her and who she really was. She had used them, they were correct on saying so, not allowing herself to care for them either.
She couldn't do that to Phil, she really truly loved him, and she knew him to be such a sweet guy she couldn't bring herself to harm him in such manner. She didn't know how it happened, but he had made way into her heart surpassing every barrier she so skillfully maintained in front of everyone else. It made her want to make an effort for it to work, not to break up things after a few weeks as she usually did. She didn't want to treat him as she treated every other guy, in fact, she knew that would kill him.
But how? After getting hurt that first time, she'd purposely messed up every previous relationship she'd had, she wouldn't know what to do to actually make it work. The role models she had were her parents and it all was so wrong in so many ways it made her cringe and gasp painfully, her hands shaking the paper she was working on. She wanted forever with Phil and she had no idea of how to make it work.
But maybe she didn't even have to worry. After the way her mother had treated Phil, she wouldn't blame him if he decided not to talk to her ever again. Forcing herself to draw something she wished never to see again, she plastered down the absolute heartbreak on his face earlier, the sheer anguish and guilt shown in every pour, and seeing it unwavering on the paper made her want to cry. His pain had been so clear for everyone to see. He didn't deserve it, he had done nothing wrong.
It was her mom, everything was always centered on her. It was her mom that caused the fights with her father, who had hurt her so much she had vowed never to let anyone in, and who had just pick up a fight with unaware Phil for no reason before even meeting him. How was it that a single person ruined so many lives without even being fully present?
A single tear escaped the prison of her eyes and skated through her cheek, making a crazy jump to end on the paper on her lap, smearing the drawing of her mom. She loved her mom, everything she had ever wanted was for her to stay and love her back, but whenever she dropped by she created a disaster before disappearing again.
To the first daring tear, lots swiftly followed. However, she tightened her jaw and pushed aside her drawings and the pencil, picking up her laptop instead. She had some research to do. In the solitude of her fish tank bubble, she got ready to work. She would figure out this mess even if it killed her.
Phil hadn't realized it until then, but the Operation's dorms were quite far from SHIELD's hospital. It'd take him and May's parents 20 minutes to reach the building and he was not looking forward to it. There was a tight uncomfortable silence between them that was slowly killing him, he couldn't see the end of the awkward walk soon enough.
-So, Phillip, Mellie tells me you became friends by studying together. I've never known her to be able to concentrate in company of others, how did you manage that?- Mr. May inquired conversationally, walking in the middle of Phil and his deadly silent wife.
-Well, sir, we met as she was pulling me out of a prank. When I asked her how I could thank her, she mentioned problems with History, which is actually my best subject. Our first try was a bit disastrous, but we managed. I suggested her learning through pictures and drawings and it ended up working pretty well for her.-
-Oh, of course. Clever, Mellie is very visually oriented. And drawing…- the older man started, but a loud ring interrupted him.
-Sorry.- Phil said, pulling his cell from his pocket.
He smiled when he saw the name of the caller.
-Mom?- he said enthused.
-Hi, honey! How are you doing?-
-I'm okay.- Phil answered, as he listened to waves and some seagulls from his mother's end. He sighed calmly, feeling his back muscles relax.- It's so good to hear your voice, I've missed you.-
-Oh, sweetie, I've missed you too! You wouldn't believe how good the desserts are in here, I'm sure you'd love them.-
-Get all the recipes.- Phil pleaded happily.
-Don't worry, between Aunt Sarah and I, we'll have every single one correctly guessed for you. Nothing gets by these taste buds, sweety. –they both chuckled. Phil had no doubt that it'd be so, they were both exceptional chefs.- Honey, I just wanted to check on you. Is everything okay?-
Phil bit his lip before answering.
-Well, I broke my hand last Saturday. You can yell at me for that.- he offered.
-PHILLIP JACOB COULSON, WHAT PART OF TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?!-
Phil had to pull his cellphone away from his ear a bit.
-Well, I faced 43 assassins with only a toothpick, but don't worry, they're all in jail now; and everything was fine until then. But sadly, after all the fighting I tripped on a mustard seed and hit a nearby fire hydrant. I'm sorry, I'll be more careful in the future.-
-You do that, young man.- Julie Coulson said dangerously.- because you answer directly to me about your wellbeing.-
-I know, mom.- Phil smiled.- I'll try not to give you cause to worry, promise.-
-And what about May? Did you guys fixed things up?-
-Yeah, mom, we made up. I know you'd love to talk to her, but she got hurt during an exercise and must rest her throat for two weeks.-
-Oh, honey! Is she going to be okay?- Julies voice asked worriedly.
-Yeah, she'll be fine. She's… she just has to stay completely quiet until the resting period is over.-
There was a pause where Mrs. Coulson remained thoughtfully silent. She knew her son better than she knew herself and she was certain that the situation was direr than he could let on. He might have tried to hide it to the best of his ability, but there was no doubt in her mind that her son was scared out of his mind.
-Sweetheart, I know you're worried but can't say much more than this. Just remember what your grandma used to say, okay?- Phil swallowed thickly at this.
-Which thing?- He cleared his throat discreetly.
-Love gives you true bravery.- his mother answered gently.
Phil sighed deeply and closed his eyes for a second. Loving May right now meant being there for her, support her through a rough time. With everything going on around that, it'd be quite uncomfortable to say the least. But it was May they were talking about, and it was the right thing to do too.
-Honey, are you still there?- Mrs. Coulson checked worriedly.
-Yeah, mom, I'm still here. I just really needed to hear that. Thanks.- Phil breathed deeply.
-Anytime, sweetheart.- Julie answered, though her voice wavered.- I would give anything to hug you tight right now. Rain check for as soon as I get back?-
-You bet on it.- Phil smiled.
-Okay. Now, be a good man and be brave for her.-
-I will, mom. Please give aunt Sarah a big hug for me.- Phil smiled, feeling immensely relieved. It was amazing what talking to his mom could do.
-Of course, honey. I love you.-
-I love you too.- he answered.
And with that, the call was ended. Placing his cell phone back on his pocket, Phil smiled apologetically to his companions.
-Sorry about that.-
May's dad wave it off amicably, but her mom looked down at him like he was nothing, less than a dog who had been rolling in a particularly smelly pile of trash.
-Oh, worry not. You seem to be very close.- Mr. May commented kindly.
-Yeah. My… my dad died when I was ten, it's been just the two of us ever since.-
-I'm sorry to hear that, my condolences.- Mr. May said empathetically, but smiled cheekily afterwards.- So. 43 assassins but defeated by a tiny little mustard seed.-
Phil laughed amusedly at that.
-I know, I know. We realized that I wouldn't be able to talk about a lot of what I'll work on, so instead of saying 'Classified' every two seconds, we agreed that I'll come up with the most outrageous fairy tales so we can keep on talking to each other.-
Mr. May chuckled.
-That's a very original solution.- the man said.
Phil grinned at him. He found Mr. May to be very kind, and could see a lot of him in May. However, her mother continued to look disgusted by very much everything and was not impressed at all by him. Phil bit his lip anxiously, he wanted her to like him so much. He desperately tried to find something to say to her, anything to make himself less annoying, but couldn't come up with anything and had to finally give up.
Mr. May and Phil continued to quietly talk as the little trip continued. They bonded on their interest of History, though Mr. May seemed to prefer that of ancient Greece and roman's because of their link to law and justice systems. However, as much as he was enjoying that, Phil felt Lian's eyes slowly burning a target on his back and that unnerve him to no end. As soon as they got sight of the Op's dorms, he felt like he was stepping on High Heaven and about to shake good old Peter's hand.
Arriving to the third floor, he sighed relieved.
-Here we are.- Phil said happily.
They were greeted by a tidy room, a soft smell of perfume grazing their noses and rendering Phil thoroughly enchanted. He smiled broadly, enjoying his favorite scent in the world.
May's room had the entrance door at the left corner. The wall in front of them had wide curtained windows and the bed was set along that wall. At the bottom of the bed was the desk, and then came the bathroom's door on the right, with the respective closet. There was a free space in the middle of the room.
-I believe May keeps an air mattress in here, let me help you find it.- Phil said as he got to work.
-And how exactly would you know that?-
Phil did his best not to flinch. It seemed Mrs. May had finished concocting her hate and was ready to throw the bomb on him and blast him to oblivion.
-We talk. Me more than her, really, but she's said some things.- Phil answered uncomfortably. Mrs. May seemed to get angrier at this somehow.
-Lian, please. It's been a long day and we'll be here for two weeks, can we table the arguments for later?- Mr. May tried.
-No, I don't trust him. I want him out of here at once.- Mrs. May declared angrily.- I don't want you seeing my daughter again, Coulson.-
Phil gulped, fumbling with the deflated mattress in his hands. It was so hard to do this. He was a by-the-book kind of person, and having an authority figure so against him irked him to unsuspected levels and made him want to beg forgiveness for even swatting innocent little mosquitoes. The conflict he had inside, between wanting to please her and do what was right, was killing him.
But it was May they were talking about, so he carefully clinged to his mother's earlier words.
-Ma'am, I… I want to be a good friend to your daughter. I can't leave her now when she's sick.-
-She doesn't need you, she has me. I better not see you around her again or I'll take drastic measures to make the message sink.- Mrs. May threatened.
-Lian, be reasonable… Mellie would hate that, she made that clear enough.- William reminded her tiredly.
-Ma'am, I'm really not at the level of being able to sneak around without you noticing. So… so you can start choosing the way you'll harm me.- Phil gulped as the sweat cascaded down his temples.
Lian's eyes announced loudly she was doing just that.
-Hum, how funny. I didn't know Mellie liked Captain America.- Mr. May mused out loud, effectively distracting everyone.
-My sweater.- Phil said surprised, taking the item from William's hands.- I've been looking for it all over.-
It was his favorite. It was actually a dark blue hoodie with the good Captain's shield on the front. He was sure he'd washed it and brought it up to his room, but one morning he had discovered it to be gone and had nearly gone insane searching for it. Phil scowled.
-I must have left it somewhere and she picked it up.- Phil theorized.
Dismissing the thought, he activated the little motor and quickly inflated the mattress, dressing it with the sheets he had found in the closet. After making sure he had helped them get as comfortable as possible, Phil bid May's parents goodbye and made quick way to his room with his sweater in hand. It was too late to make all the way back to the hospital wing and he was far too exhausted. Opening his door, he left out an extremely relieved sigh.
-Hi, buddy.- Phil greeted Cap, who had quickly gotten down from the top shelf and jumped into his arms, purring happily as he stroke his head against Phil.- Guess what, I can keep you company tonight.-
He fished some clean pajamas from the closet and then carefully placed Cap on his bed. He noticed he still had his sweater on his arms, Cap had landed right on top of it when he entered the room, and the smell of it caught his attention. Phil took an exploratory whiff and it made him close his eyes and practically bury his nose on the thing. It was strange that the smell from May's room hadn't banished from it yet but he couldn't be more thankful, it was glorious.
He indulged on it for a moment, but he had to put it down to change clothes. However, in the seconds it took him, Cap took feathered steps to it and clinically inspected the sweater before lying on top of it and laid on it pompously, as if the thing was his and his alone. It made Phil scowl, the fabric smelled so strongly of May that Cap couldn't have possibly missed it.
-What's the mystery with you two? First food cans and now this? I know she smells like Heaven, but it's so unlike you…- Phil said as he stroke Cap's ears and the feline melted under his fingers.
He'd have to wait to solve it, Caps's delighted purrs were not enough answer. Getting under the covers, he gladly received Cap's weight on his stomach. Getting quickly overcome by sleep, he prayed tomorrow to go better than today.
Cap was indeed a very happy feline right now. He was soothingly being rocked up and down with Phil's breathing and lulled by his soft snores, for he had made a fluffy donut out of himself on the top of his master's belly. He purred delightedly amongst dreams as he relaxed in a way he hadn't been able to lately. Phil hadn't been sleeping on his room for the last couple of days and Cap had seen his sleep pattern disturbed. Either being Mrs. Coulson or the boy himself, he was used to doze off in their company.
But that all was about to end abruptly. It took only one ring of the phone, and Cap jumped out his skin decided to scratch and howl to save his life.
-AHH, CAP! STOP!- Phil yelled in pain, sharp claws all over his skin.
But Cap was having none of that, and continued to hiss and yowl as Phil hurried to get the phone and fumbled to answer, cast in his hand not making it any easier.
-YEAH, WHAT IS IT?- he screamed, falling from the bed and struggling to listen above Cap's terrified tantrum, who was screeching to the top of his lungs.
But Phil's inquiry was met with silence. Feeling his heart beating a hundred miles per second, he pulled the phone down to see the name of the caller.
-May? May?! Are you okay?- Phil asked worriedly, but nothing came out.- May? It's okay, don't talk, I'm coming over.-
And with that, he ended the call and looked at the time. The phone's clock read 3:29am, and he groaned desponded, wishing nothing more than the world ending right there. He was so tired he wanted to sleep for a week but she wouldn't have called unless it was important. Looking around, he found Cap with every single hair on point, curved up to look bigger than he was, in a text book defense mechanism.
-I'm sorry, pal. It was just May calling. I gotta go now, okay?- Phil said quietly, trying to ease the poor furry fellow's nerves by soothingly petting him, but that only got him a furious scratch on his arm that made him yelled out in pain.
Clenching his jaw at this, and tiredly rubbing his aching eyes, Phil entered the bathroom to try to wash sleep out of his face, brush his teeth, put on bandages, and change out of his pajamas. Throwing on a sweater, he braved up and faced the cold outside of his room, grieving briefly for the loss of his warm cocoon but worried sick about his best friend's distress call. He walked fast, barely keeping himself from breaking into a full run, mentally despising how far the hospital seemed to be and every time imagining a worse scenario than the last.
Finally reaching the Infirmary, hastily making way towards the quarantine glass bubbles, he run the last few steps already preparing himself to see blood staining the walls and body parts crazily popping up from the ceiling.
However, he found nothing of the sort. May received him with a frown and plastered her notebook against the glass for him to read.
-What do you do when you're missing your dad?- she had written, and it was Phil's turn to scowl now.
-What?- he asked confusedly.
May rolled her eyes annoyed and pointed at the note persistently.
-May, it's three in the morning.- Phil grumbled, slightly annoyed due to sleep deprivation.
However, May seemed not affected by the hour at all. With a very determined frown, she began writing on the notebook and scrawled a hasty explanation that she once again presented to Phil's tired eyes.
I'll grieve for my mom never being there for me and move on.
Her plan was pretty simply. She looked up online the grieving process, because she'd from now on treat her mom as if she had died. She'd no longer exist for her, she'd erase her presence from her life and would never see her again. She wanted to live peacefully and her mom's actions not mattering anymore. She had reached her breaking point the moment her mom had messed up with Phil and there was nothing anyone could say that would make her change her mind. She'd do whatever Phil did when his dad passed away and be done with it all.
Without fully grasping May's line of thought, Phil sighed tiredly and rubbed his blood shot painfully aching tired eyes.
-I need coffee.- he mumbled miserably, feeling sleep fuzzing his mind and tempting him to visit Dream Land once again.
But May was having none of that, she tapped repeatedly on the glass with her nail and once Phil looked up, she pointed at her note impatiently. Phil couldn't understand for the life of him why was she in such a hurry if she wasn't going anywhere for two weeks.
-Alright.- Phil said resigned, passing a hand trough his face and hair and making a mess out of it.- My dad was very chatty and friendly, we're a lot alike. So, when he died the most striking thing for me was the silence. And I hated it, it reminded me of him being gone. I was heartbroken, locked in my room blasting the music into my and my neighborhood's ears, refusing any and all visitors.-
May pursed her lips worriedly, listening closely and wondering if it had been a mistake to ask him about it. However, it surprised her to see Phil's eyes softening.
-By the end of the week, my mom very calmly came and used the key to open my door. Before I could say a thing, she grabbed me and hugged me tight. She began to tell me every story that came to mind, all involving my dad. How they met, how he fumbled to ask her out, how his proposal went horribly wrong and ended up with her in the hospital covered by mud and stung by bees, his reaction when they learnt they were pregnant with me, his absolute joy when I was born.-
Phil's lips twitched up and smiled.
-There was one particular story that really left a mark that day. I didn't quite remember it, I was about two or three. My dad was washing the car and I was helping him with a tiny sponge and the bucket of water that was on top of the car fell on me. Cold water out of the sudden, it was horrible surprise; scared me half to death. My dad came fast, took the bucket out of my head and found me stunned, paralyzed.-
May wondered how could this be making him smile so sweetly, it sounded terrible.
-My mom said my dad picked me up and held me, just rubbing his hand up and down on my back when I finally was able to scream and cry to the top of my lungs. He kept kissing my head, not minding that I was getting him all wet with soapy water. He didn't even let me down when I calmed down and fell asleep on his shoulder.- Phil chuckled at this.- see, May? What could have been my worse memory was transformed into a reminder of how much my dad loved me. And that made all the difference for me, that's what I remind myself when I miss him.-
But it made a whole lot of problems for her and sank her ship of forced hate and premature mental burial deep into the ocean. Phil wasn't giving her something she could use to feed her grudge. And, she couldn't remember anything like that with her mom, all she could ever remember was the screaming and the fighting, the tiny sun that formed in her chest when her mother arrived and the heart wrenching pain when she had to see her leave yet again.
It must have shown in her face, because Phil bit his lip and placed his left hand on the glass.
-Hey, I know it may seem like there's no good memories. Maybe there are and you can't remember or maybe there truly are none, but it doesn't matter. It all comes to having a painful memory resignified into a moment of love. Maybe you could do that by letting go, putting some love in there by forgiving it all. It doesn't mean that what she did was right, because she hurt you, it just means that you won't let it rule your life. What she did won't define you anymore, because it'll have a new meaning for you.-
May gave him her best skeptical stare. Right, she could just let it all go and forget all the pain and the loneliness. If he hadn't come running to her aid in the middle of the night, she'd give him the finger.
-Don't look at me like that, forgiveness is a choice, you're free to do it whenever you want. What is left are the sore feelings, those are the ones that need time to heal.- Phil wetted his lips thoughtfully.- you're not doing her any favors and is not doing something impossible like getting sudden Alzheimer and forgetting stuff; it's about setting yourself free, learn from it without it holding you hostage.-
Hypocrite.
The word May had written in the notebook felt like a slap on his face. He scowled and looked at her quite offended, he had been truly trying to make things better for her. But May was writing again and soon enough she plastered her notebook against the glass once more.
You keep beating yourself for something that happened in high school and dare now to tell me to 'let it go'?
-It's different, May. All I've learnt is that when I'm in charge, people get hurt.- Phil cringed, it even sounded lame to his ears.
It only means you can't control everything, dummy. You couldn't know I'd end in here either, for one. When you try to control people, you only turn into a tyrant.
-Tyrantnosaur Phil.- The man couldn't help but chuckle at his new invention.
May rolled her eyes, but smiled along. He was such a dork.
-So, what does Dr. Melinda prescribe?- Phil grinned amused.
People follow when they trust their leader has the intention and knowledge to do the right thing. You can't do more than that, but it'd be enough anyway.
-Conviction, you say.- Phil pondered, and May nodded.- I guess it's slower, but could work better.-
They smiled at each other for a moment, feeling the weight of the world melting away from their shoulders. The last few days had been loaded with stress and fear and guilt, it had torn them apart and it had been awful. Getting back to being best buddies felt like the awesomest of dreams.
Still smiling, and feeling much calmer than before, May wrote yet another note.
Thanks for coming, I really appreciate it. And for breaking your hand in Quinn's idiotic face.
Phil smiled back.
-Anytime.- he paused and pursed his lips.- Look, we haven't had the chance to talk properly, and I want to apologize at length, like you deserve, 'cause this was huge and I don't want it to keep getting between us. I'm sorry for being an ass to you and not telling you what was happening with Camilla. Sorry that I went into hiding and left this… this rip go on for so long. Sorry that I didn't think things through and left you alone and vulnerable on our first unofficial mission. I know you don't need me for anything, but I should have been there anyway. And… and… Is there anything else I should apologize for? 'Cause I've really missed my best friend, you know. If I've hurt your feelings in another way I'm sorry for that too, being without you was horrible and ticked me off so much more than I should admit to. Are we good now?-
Phil's baby blue eyes studied her expression intensely and May couldn't hold back the grin that formed. She nodded quite amused at his rambling and Phil's smile brightened his whole face. It kinda made her fall for him a little more, and at the same time feel scared, though it was a good type of feeling. It was more of uncertainty, for she couldn't remember the last time someone had apologized for having a full blown explosive fight any volcanic eruption would envy.
She didn't quite know what to do with herself right now. She had been cooking her anger for what felt like so long, spicing it up with resentment and preparing to serve it with cold revenge… May hesitated, looking into his eyes that had relaxed so much over having confirmation that all misgivings were behind them. What…? How to…?
She didn't have to worry, though, for Phil took care of her little problem right away. Sitting crossed-leg on the floor without a care in the world, he started to fill her in all the hugs and kisses his mother had sent her when she found out of her injury and in all the scolding he had endured for having pissed his "beautiful, nicest friend ever since little Kate from kindergarden".
Needless to say that neither got back to sleep. They kept talking and writing until the sun came out, updating each other on what they had missed over the weeks when they were split. She did her best to fix what her mother had done earlier and he did his best to make her laugh and forget about it all. They practiced their Morse code too, still not able to fully communicate on it. Secretly they hoped that the obvious tapping of their hearts went unread as well.