Chapter 8: I know you're not ok.
"Clarke."
It had been 20 minutes since Luna left the café and Clarke couldn't move, she couldn't get up and she called the one person she needed right now.
"Mom."
"Clarke what's wrong?"
"It's over mom, really over this time."
"Oh, sweetheart." Abby whispered, wrapping her arms are her daughter. "I'm so sorry Clarke."
"I loved her mom." Clarke sobbed.
"I know honey, and I know this may not be what you want to hear but you will get through this. The way you're hurting right now won't always be there, I promise Clarke."
"I'm sorry for sneaking out."
Abby laughed lightly still holding her crying daughter. "We'll talk about that later, I'm glad you called me." It truly shocked Abby that her daughter did call her, when it came to her personal issues, she usually preferred Jake. "Let's go home."
"I can't leave." Clarke cried. "I feel like I can't move."
"Just take my hand and we'll do the rest together."
The next morning when she woke up, she felt dreadful, her whole body hurt, and her heart felt like an empty pit of nothingness. There was no sense of regret just loss, she didn't think she would do it. She didn't think Luna would leave but she did, she let her go. She did what Clarke was too weak to do.
Wasn't this the part where the feeling of impending doom lifts like some imaginary shield of fog? Why doesn't everything feel better? Why is she still hurting if Luna was gone?
"Clarke." Abby said, knocking on the girl bedroom door. "Get dressed and meet me downstairs in an hour."
"Mom, I just want to lay here and die please." Clarke pleaded.
"Please just do it Clarke, I'd like to talk to you."
"Ugh, fine."
Clarke dragged herself out of the bed and into the hot shower where she stood, she didn't grab soap she just stood. Moving was harder now, so she added that to the list of things that were harder post Luna.
Finally, she threw some leggings and an oversize band tee on before heading downstairs.
When she entered the living room, she saw Octavia and her mom as well as her parents standing around.
"What did we do now?" Clarke groaned.
"Nothing this time sweetheart." Jake smiled.
"It's time for me and Aurora to get our roots touched up so we thought why not make it a girl's day!" Abby said.
"Mom, the last thing I care about is my hair."
"It'll be fun Clarke." Octavia said. "I refused to let you mope around all weekend so you either come or I'll make it my personal mission to annoy the hell out of you."
"It doesn't have to be anything drastic; you could just get a trim and enjoy someone else washing your hair." Aurora smiled.
"What do you say?" Abby asked.
There was always the possibility she could run to her room and lock it before anyone bothered her, although her mom does have a key. The other option would be to go and have a distraction instead of continuously going over everything that happened last night in her head.
"Fine, let's go."
"Yay!" Octavia squealed.
"Can we get food before?" Clarke asked.
"How about Pancakes?" Abby suggested, knowing it's the girl's happy food. "I haven't been to TonDC Dinner in ages."
On the way to the dinner the car ride was quiet, no one mentioned why the girl was so miserable and she didn't know if she preferred that. She would how ever see them sneaking glances at her, checking if she's ok. Maybe she wasn't ok, but would glancing at her do? Force her to talk about it, so she can tell them how much she regretted it already, but then they would tell her it was for the best and it was. So what can't she see that?
When they were pulling into the lot of the diner Dark Paradise started playing through the speakers and she thought of Lexa, and how it played in her car that day she showed her around. It's been a week since they talked, and she hoped it wouldn't be like that forever. It felt like doing the right things not mixing her feelings in with her drama. There are so many things she needed to figure out and work through before she could have anything romantic.
Still, she liked Lexa a lot and even if it couldn't be romantic right now her friendship would mean a lot to her.
"Remember we used to come here every Sunday?" Octavia asked as they walked into the restaurant dragging Clarke from her thoughts.
"I still do sometimes with Ontari, if you would wake up on time you could come." Clarke pointed out.
"I know, but we train on Sundays now so I have to get all the rest I can."
Octavia shrugged.
"Alright girl's let's get a table."
One of the waitresses greeted them and led them to a nearby table. Clarke always loved the staff here and used to want to work here because of the 50's set up. All the waitresses wore the fluffy poodle skirts and old-fashioned hairstyles which made it more appealing to her.
"Hi ladies, Clarke it's good to see you!" She knew most of the staff since she's been a regular for years.
"You too, how's the baby?" Clarke smiled.
"Driving me crazy, but she happy and healthy so, so am I!" the waitress smiled. "What can I get you guys?"
"Can I get Pancakes and whip cream with eggs, bacon and wait French toast sounds good too." Clarke looked up to see the other women staring at her. "What, I'm hungry ok." She explained.
"I'll have the same!" Octavia smiled, if anyone could keep up with her eating it was O. "By the way, isn't this the most lenient grounding we've ever had?"
"Don't get used to it." Aurora said.
After their food was served, they kept a casual conversation going and for a second Clarke forgot about everything. She just enjoyed time with her family, and it was exactly what she needed. That's the thing about a distraction it can pull you out of your head as fast as it can throw you back in.
"Alright I had to call last minute to get and appointment for you girls, Octavia I know you like Gaia and Clarke Niylah had an opening as well."
They were now at one of the only hair salons in Arkadia, which they were regulars at. Clarke never strayed from her normal wash and trim so she figured today would be nothing new.
Clarke quickly found her way into the stylist's chair who she usually had. Her name was Niylah and over the years the two had become friends.
"It's been too long Clarke; your hair is so long I love it!" Niylah said. "Are we just doing a trim or are you actually going to let me work some magic on this hair."
For as long as Clarke has been going to Niylah the girl has always begged to dye her hair and she's always refused. She liked her hair for the most part and she's never died it.
"I have had the same hair my whole life." Clarke admits, trying to think of a time where her hair was anything other than long and blonde. The only thing that came to mind was a very terrible haircut in elementary she was forced to wear.
"Don't tease me Clarke, are you actually saying what I think you are?" Niylah gasped.
"Fuck it, let's do something different." Why not right? Her life needs change why not start with the hair.
"Oh my god!" Niylah squealed. "I something I've been wanting to try, it's a bit drastic though."
"I just have one request."
"Are you ready?"
It had been a couple hours since she started getting her hair done and it was finally finished.
"I'm ready." She was nervous, she didn't know what color Niylah chose because she wanted to be surprised. Thinking back that doesn't seem so wise.
She closed her eyes tightly shut while the women spun her chair around revealing her new hair.
Her hair was now shoulder length, per her request with fiery pink engulfing the bottom half of her hair which was Niylah's touch. She looked like a new person with short hair and the pink added some fun to the mix, something she hasn't had in a while.
"Wow."
"You look so good!" Niylah smiled. "Please tell me you don't hate it."
"I actually love it!" Clarke smiled, running her hands through her short hair. "This pink is amazing!"
"I knew you would!" Niylah cheered. "Let's go see what the others think."
Her mom and Aurora had been done a while but apparently Octavia decided to switch it up too.
"O!" Clarke screamed. "Oh my god, I love it."
The girl had cut her hair into a long bob and added some vibrant red streaks to the front pieces adding a nice pop to her jet-black hair.
"Me? Look at you! I haven't seen you with short hair since elementary school! It looked so good! And the pink, I love it!" Octavia screamed.
"My mom's going to die, while your mom will live for it."
"I know, you look like Lava Girl!"
"And you look like Warren Peace from sky high." Clarke laughed.
"He has great hair, so I'll take that as a compliment."
"Oh lord." Abby said, examining the girl's hair.
"Ah! You girls looks so good, I have to take a picture" Aurora shrieked with excitement pulling out her iPhone snapping a picture of the duo sporting their new looks.
"isn't great?" Octavia said twirling around.
"It's definitely a change." Abby said still staring at Clarke's bright pink hair. "Do you like it Clarke?"
"I think it looks amazing."
"Well, then that's what matters." Clarke could see Abby trying to find something good to say. "I'll go pay."
"She hates it." Octavia laughed.
"Well I think you look so good Clarkey!"
"Thanks Rory."
"Let's get you girls home."
Clarke quickly gave Niylah a hug and thanked her before leaving the shop.
The whole drive Abby was quiet, she figured it was because of the hair, she's never been one to like un-natural hair colors. None the less, Clarke loved it and that's what mattered.
After saying goodbye to Octavia and Aurora they walked into their house.
"Clarke, I was hoping to talk to for a second?"
"Is this about my hair?"
"No honey if you like I'm really fine with it. I actually want to talk about you seeing a doctor. Me and your dad talked it over, we both feel like it could be beneficial to you."
"Mom, I said I was fine." Clarke sighed. "You cut my nails; I haven't been doing it!"
"I'm not even sure you ever stopped doing it Clarke, I saw your hands."
"So, then I'll stop for good, okay?" Clarke proclaimed.
"Even then Clarke there are some other things you need to deal with."
"So, what you want me to talk to someone about a breakup? I don't need to go to a fucking doctor for that." Clarke yelled, this would be the time she wished her nails were still long and still sharp.
"Your breakup is just one thing I think you need to work on Clarke, it's time you've properly dealt with your depression as well. I know you don't want to try a new medicine, so maybe talking to someone will help."
"I don't need help!" She was trying to keep calm but the more this conversation continued the angrier she was getting.
"You do Clarke and that's okay! I'm just trying to make decisions I think will help you! Frankly, you should've started therapy months ago after what happened!"
"No, no. Don't even bring it up! This isn't months ago." Clarke yelled. "I'm fine now, I'm fine. I'm ok why can't you just listen?"
"What's going on?" Jake asked as he walked into the foyer.
"Why are you going along with this?"
"Clarke what is this about?" Jake asked trying to get closer to his daughter, but she kept backing away.
"I was just telling her that we both agreed that her starting therapy would be beneficial." Abby said.
"Why didn't you wait for me?"
"I didn't think she would react this way and the appointment is in the morning."
"What the fuck! So, it doesn't even matter what I want?" Clarke screamed. "You weren't even going to give me a choice?"
"It's just one appointment Clarke, then we can go from there." Abby said pleading for Jake to intervene.
"Clarke look at me." Jake said. "Please, sweetheart."
"How could you agree to this?" she cried.
"Because I love you, and although you think you're managing everything well, I know when you're not ok. I knew it months ago and I know it now."
"Please don't make me go."
"Even if it will help you?"
"Going last time didn't help why would it now?"
"You didn't want to do the therapy last time, if you give it a chance it could be helpful Clarke."
"I'm not going!" Before the two could reply Clarke ran upstairs to her room and locked the doors.
"Fuck!" She screamed, knocking everything off of her dressers and tables in the process. This was too much; her anger was boiling up to a point where she felt like she was going to explode.
"Clarke let me in now, or I will get the key!" Abby yelled.
"GO AWAY!"
"Clarke please just let me in." Abby pleaded.
"JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!"
"Fine, I'm getting the key." Abby says.
"UGH!" She was pissed, how can someone tell her she's not fine? She was fine.
"I'm fine." Clarke murmured to herself in the mirror. "I'm fine, I'm fine FUCK!" And before she could think the mirror was in pieces and blood was everywhere.
"Clarke!" Abby who had gotten the key to unlock her door stood and starred at what she had just done. The mirror was shattered, and Clarke's hand was filled with small cuts and gashes all over.
Her throat felt like it was incapable of making a sound, so she just stood and watched her mom rush to aid her hand. It didn't hurt, she felt numb like she couldn't feel anything anymore.
"Clarke, please talk to me." Abby voice was quivering, and Clarke knew she scared her. This wasn't the first time she had scared her parents like this, but every time it happened the shittier it felt. They wouldn't say it, but they were scared of what she could do if she got really mad.
"I'm sorry." She whispered.