Disclaimer – I do not own anything you recognise. The Avengers and the characters therein, belong to Marvel.

Chapter Eighteen

She couldn't remember how she'd gotten on the quinjet. Her cheeks felt stiff from where her tears had dried and her throat was tight with lingering fear from that vision. She had stopped shaking at least – she hadn't even noticed she'd cut herself when she'd fallen on the ship until Tony had gently patched her up. Nobody was saying a word, silence hanging over them like a blanket and if the others had experienced visions like the one Nadia had, she didn't blame them for their quiet.

A shiver wracked down her spine when she thought about what she had seen. The voices of every person who had ever made her feel unworthy, telling her all the things she had heard in the past and feared hearing again. The people she cared about most, her family and friends, telling her she was a monster, that she didn't belong, that she would never be one of them. Then she'd seen her worst and most dreaded fear, the one she had had since she was old enough to know what fear was. The entire world, dead and decimated at her feet because of what she had done.

Nadia looked down at her hands, convinced that there would be blood staining her fingers. Her skin was dirty and scratched but otherwise there was no blood. The vision flashed before her eyes again and she jammed her hands under her thighs, unwilling to look at them anymore.

She glanced around at her teammates, each wearing the same disturbed and haunted expression that was no doubt on her own face. Clint was piloting the jet while Tony made phone calls.

'The news is loving you guys. Nobody else is. There's been no official call for Banner's arrest, but it's in the air.' Maria Hill's voice was loud in the stillness of the jet.

'Stark Relief Foundation?' Tony asked.

'Already on the scene. How's the team?'

'Everyone's…' Tony glanced around and locked eyes with Nadia. His expression grew grim at what he saw on her face. 'We took a hit. We'll shake it off.'

'Well for now I'd stay in stealth mode and stay away from here.'

'So, run and hide?

'Until we can find Ultron, I don't have a lot else to offer.'

Tony sighed heavily. 'Neither do we.'

Nadia looked away as he switched off the monitor and effectively ended the call. He wandered over to where Clint sat and Nadia tracked their movements. They were the only two that hadn't been subjected to the witch's magic. Nadia's gaze flickered to Bruce, who was huddled in the corner with a blanket, his back to everyone. He had certainly gotten the worst of it – where the rest of them had experienced visions, he had Hulked out, raging into a nearby city and wreaking havoc.

'Hey, you wanna switch out?' Tony asked Clint quietly.

'No, I'm good. If you wanna get some kip, now's a good time, cause we're still a few hours out.'

Nadia frowned at that, and Tony asked what she was thinking, 'A few hours from where?

'A safe house.'

X

Someone was shaking her awake, and Nadia blinked her eyes open blearily. She sat up quickly, her hand immediately going towards the knife at her belt. Steve bent over her, his expression wary and concerned.

'Hey. It's just me.' He said, and Nadia sighed in relief, relaxing slightly. She sat up and looked around the jet and immediately noticed that the engines were silent. 'We're at the safe house. Come on.'

Nadia rolled onto her feet and rubbed the sleep from her eyes as she made her way down the quinjet's ramp. The others were already waiting outside in the early morning sun, Clint with his arm around Natasha's shoulders and Thor fidgeting with Mjolnir in his hands. Bruce had managed to find a shirt to wear after ripping his old one, his hair still a mess and deep guilt making his eyes droop.

They had landed in a small grove of trees to conceal the quinjet from being spotted from above and birds chirping broke the fresh, crisp morning air. Clint jerked his head to the left, using the arm that was around Natasha to steer her in the right direction.

'Come on,' he said, 'this way.'

Obediently they followed, exiting the small grove and down a hill towards a small farmstead. Nadia felt Steve's hand on her lower back, a small comfort in her distress. She didn't think she could handle him touching her more intimately, like taking her hand or putting an arm around her.

The hills and fields around them were a healthy green, undisturbed by people. The barn was rustic and a little decrepit but from overuse rather than neglect. There was an old rusting pickup truck parked on the front lawn. The house, however, was lovely – a white weatherboard building with a wrap-around porch and green storm shutters. There was a rocking chair on the porch and a welcome mat.

'What is this place?' Thor asked as they climbed the steps to the front door.

'Safe house?' Tony guessed.

Clint looked at them all and opened the door with a small creak. 'Let's hope.'

They entered the house, which smelled like vanilla and new wood. The interior was warm and cozy, a small piano nestled in the corner, a dining table that was littered with crayons and coloured pencils. There were children's toys on the couch and around the small coffee table in the living room and the kitchen smelled like cookies. This house was exactly what Nadia had always dreamed of having, of living in.

'Honey?' Clint called into the house, 'I'm home.'

A very pretty pregnant woman came in from the kitchen, brightly coloured pictures clutched in her hand. She had dark hair and eyes, a kind face and pleasant smile. She exuded warmth and Nadia felt some of her unease slip away.

'Hi. Company. Sorry I didn't call ahead.' Clint said somewhat sheepishly.

'Hey.' The woman replied, before stepping into Clint's embrace and kissing him tenderly. Nadia blinked.

Tony frowned in confusion and turned to Thor. 'This is an agent of some kind.'

Clint wrapped an arm around the woman who was obviously his wife and turned towards his befuddled team. 'Gentleman, Doc, this is Laura.'

'I know all your names.' Laura said and Tony lifted a hand awkwardly in greeting. Nadia shot her a weak smile.

Footsteps pounded on the wooden floor and Nadia instantly flinched at the sound. She felt Steve stiffen beside her.

Clint grinned. 'Ooh, incoming.'

Two small children came running in the room, one a boy with floppy brown hair and Clint's eyes and the other a little girl with her hair in pigtails and wearing a yellow cardigan.

'Daddy!' the little girl squealed happily, and Clint stooped down to pick up his daughter, a large grin on his face.

'Hi sweetheart!' He wrapped his free arm around his son and kissed the top of his head. 'Hey, buddy! How you guys doing? Ooh...'

Tony pointed a finger at the children, 'These are...smaller agents.'

'Look at your face! Oh, my goodness!' Clint gushed. Nadia chanced a look at Steve, who was wearing the most astounded expression she had ever seen on him.

'Did you bring Auntie Nat?' the little girl asked her father as she was set back on the ground.

Natasha stepped forward with a happy grin. 'Why don't you hug her and find out?'

The girl rushed towards Natasha, who picked her up in her arms and cradled her close with a delighted smile. Nadia couldn't help when the corners of her lips twitched upwards in a smile.

Steve tucked his thumbs into his belt. 'Sorry for barging in on you,' he apologised.

Tony crossed his arms. 'Yeah, we would have called ahead, but we were busy having no idea that you existed.'

Clint nodded, looking contrite. 'Yeah, well Fury helped me set this up when I joined. He kept it off SHIELD's files, I'd like to keep it that way. I figure it's a good place to lay low.'

Nadia was looking at Clint in an entirely different light. She would never had guessed that he was married with children, but then again, he was a spy with many secrets. It explained where he was always sneaking off to for days on end with no explanations or excuses.

Laura wrapped Natasha in a warm embrace. 'Honey. Ah, I missed you.'

Nadia heard a crunching sound behind her and looked to see Thor staring down at a small toy house he had stepped on and accidently broken. He hastily used his shoe to sweep the remnants under the table, Steve watching with a raised eyebrow. Thor shot them both a grimace and Nadia had to fight not to giggle.

Natasha touched Laura's pregnant belly. 'How's little Natasha, huh?

Laura frowned and replied, 'She's…Nathaniel.'

Natasha bent towards Laura's pregnant stomach and murmured, 'Traitor.'

The toaster popped and Nadia jumped at the sudden noise. Steve threw her a concerned look but he quickly averted his attention to Thor, who strode from the room and out the front door, Steve hot on his heels.

Nadia felt a tug on her pants and looked down to find Clint's daughter staring up at her with big, brown doe eyes. She was so sweet and adorable, Nadia's heart melted.

'Can you really fly?' she asked, and Nadia raised her eyebrows and then crouched in front of the child so that they were eye-to-eye.

'I sure can.'

The girl's eyes widened comically. 'Wow!'

Nadia smiled. 'What's your name?'

'Lila.'

'Hi Lila, I'm Nadia. It's very nice to meet you.'

'My daddy said you're a doctor. Do you fix people?'

'When they're hurt, yes, I do.'

'Okay, little miss,' Laura came over and shooed her daughter away, 'Stop bothering the lady.'

'Aw mum.' Lila complained, but she left, going over to speak with Natasha instead.

Laura shot Nadia a wan smile. 'Sorry about that. Kids. They're full of questions.'

Nadia shook her head. 'I don't mind.'

Laura's dark eyes, the exact same shade as her daughter's, examined Nadia carefully, her expression softening. 'You must be exhausted. I have some clothes you can borrow if you want to change and freshen up.'

Nadia's shoulders sagged in relief. 'That would be wonderful, thank you.'

Laura waved a dismissive hand. 'It's the least I can do. From what Clint tells me, you've patched him up on more than one occasion.'

'Just doing my job.'

Laura smiled in reply and led Nadia into the small bathroom upstairs. She left briefly to get her some clothes and brought them back. Laura explained that they were from before she became pregnant and that they should fit her. Nadia thanked her for the gesture and quickly stripped out of her bloodied suit, washing out the dirt and grime as best she could. She dressed in the high-waisted mom jeans that Laura had given her, along with the black t-shirt and cardigan. She kept her boots on and tied her hair up into a ponytail. Nadia slipped her matching daggers from their sheathes on the back of her suit into the waistband of her jeans, tucking her shirt down over the hilts to cover them. After scrubbing her face clean and spending way too much time staring blankly at her reflection in the mirror, Nadia left the bathroom. She gathered up her suit and marched down the stairs and out into the front yard.

Clint was working on the front porch with his son, his daughter sitting in the rocking chair with a children's book. Tony and Steve were in the front chopping wood for the huge fireplace in the living room. Steve had changed out of his suit into jeans and his under-armour shirt, his shield leaning against the small picnic table nearby.

Nadia hurried over to the washing line and hung up her suit, hoping the sun would dry it before she needed it next. She bit her lip as flashes of her vision pressed against the forefront of her mind, and she shook her head.

She walked over to the picnic table and sat down, crossing her legs and putting her hands flat on her thighs. She closed her eyes and concentrated on clearing her mind, focussing on the rhythmic sounds of Steve and Tony shopping woods, the rustling of the trees in the wind and the way the sun felt on the bare skin of her face.

Meditation was one of the few ways that helped her keep control over her emotions, helped her focus. The techniques she had learned had prevented her from having outbursts that could trigger her powers, causing harm to those around her. Nadia's emotions had never been more fragile than they were right now.

She hated what she had seen. She hated what she had experienced. The witch hadn't revealed anything new to Nadia, hadn't exposed any fears that she wasn't already aware of. But to be utterly consumed and surrounded by those anxieties was horrible. She felt like she had been picked apart and exposed for all the world to see.

Taking a deep breath, Nadia readjusted her position atop the table and let out a deep breath, counting her breaths as her mind went blank and she listened.

'Thor didn't say where he was going for answers?' Tony asked.

Steve paused before answering. 'Sometimes my teammates don't tell me things. I was kind of hoping Thor would be the exception.'

'Yeah, give him time. We don't know what the Maximoff kid showed him.'

There was another chop as axe met wood and Nadia slowly opened her eyes, watching the men in front of her. Tony hadn't suffered a vision from the witch, but he bore bruises and cuts from his altercation with the Hulk.

'"Earth's Mightiest Heroes."' Steve scoffed, 'Pulled us apart like cotton candy.'

Tony stared at Steve. 'Seems like you walked away all right.'

Nadia immediately knew that wasn't true. While Steve's features were calm and collected, his shoulders were tense, and she could see the way his jaw ticked every so often. His vision had bothered him, but he was reluctant to show it.

Steve straightened up and met Tony's gaze. 'Is that a problem?' he asked coolly.

'I don't trust a guy without a dark side.' Tony replied readily, swinging his axe down on the log and then looking back up at Steve. 'Call me old fashioned.'

'Well, let's just say you haven't seen it yet.'

Tony took a step towards Steve and set his axe aside. 'You know Ultron is trying to tear us apart, right?'

'Well I guess you'd know. Whether you tell us is a bit of a question.' Steve snarked back, bitterness tinging his voice.

'Banner and I were doing research.'

'That would affect the team.'

'That would end the team!' Tony exclaimed as Steve went and picked up another log. 'Isn't that the mission? Isn't that the "why" we fight, so we can end the fight, so we get to go home?!'

Steve ripped the log of wood apart with his bare hands, anger clouding his expression. Nadia's eyebrows shot up and Tony stood his ground as Steve bore down on him.

'Every time someone tries to win a war before it starts, innocent people die. Every time.' Steve growled.

Nadia saw Tony's eyes widen from where she sat, both with anger and guilt. They both understood the things Steve had left unsaid – that as far as Steve was concerned, every person who had been hurt or killed by Ultron…their blood would be on Tony's hands.

She looked between the two of them like a tennis match was unfolding before her, the two glaring at each other. She hated that she understood where they were both coming from, hated that these two men whom she admired so much were at odds once again over what was right.

Laura appeared from behind Tony suddenly, an apprehensive look on her face at interrupting an undoubtedly tense moment. 'I'm sorry, Mr. Stark, uh, Clint said you wouldn't mind, but, our tractor, it doesn't seem to want to start at all. I thought maybe you might...'

'Yeah, I'll give her a kick.' Tony said, dropping his gaze to the ground and half turning away before pointing to his pile of chopped wood. 'Don't take from my pile.'

Nadia watched him hurry towards the barn, his back somewhat bowed and she pursed her lips, eyes darting back to the man in front of her. Steve put his hands on his hips and looked down at his shoes, letting out a heavy sigh. She closed her eyes again and focussed on her breathing. She could feel the tension rolling off him from where she sat, the air thick with his anxiety and guilt.

'Do you think I was too harsh with him?'

She sensed him sit down next to her and she cracked her eyes open again. She continued to look around the farm, the tranquillity of the quiet soothing her rattled nerves as she considered her answer.

'Yes…and no.' Nadia finally replied. 'I think you said what he needed to hear, but at the same time I think that hearing it was still hard for him.'

Steve rubbed his forehead tiredly. 'I know he was trying to do the right thing, but it was just so…'

Nadia nodded in understanding. 'He isn't like you, honey. He doesn't think the same way you do, and he hasn't always felt the need to help others.'

'I don't need him to think the same way as me, I just need him to understand what is right and what is wrong.'

'That's a matter of perspective.'

Steve frowned, 'Are you defending him?'

Nadia huffed angrily and turned to look at him. 'No. I think what he did was reckless and stupid and I will never really forgive him for it. He made a huge mess that we now have to clean up, and it has cost innocent people their lives. However, I won't fault him for trying to protect the people he loves through whatever means he has available. Or do you deny that you would do the same thing?'

Steve's frown deepened but he said nothing.

'Besides,' she continued. 'Banner is just as culpable in this situation. He helped Tony create Ultron so it's unfair to dump all the blame on Tony alone.'

'Tony would have gone ahead without Banner's help anyway. Would Bruce have done the same thing if the roles were reversed?'

They lapsed into silence. She knew he was right. Bruce was complicit in the research, the design of Ultron, but he wouldn't have unleashed him on the world without proper vetting. Tony wouldn't have hesitated. That was the difference.

'What did she make you see?' Nadia asked, hesitating to ask for a moment.

Steve looked at her then. 'What?'

'The witch. What did she make you see?' Nadia repeated. The others couldn't see the effect it had on Steve, but she could. He was tense and tired, that thousand-yard stare that was so prominent early on in their friendship back in his blue eyes. Steve rubbed his hands together, avoiding her gaze.

'I'll tell you what I saw.' She said, trying to keep her voice steady. 'I head the voices of every person who ever called me a freak, told me I wasn't good enough, told me I would never belong. Every ghost from my past that I have tried to forget came back. What was worse…was that the people that I have come to care for said those exact things, turned away from me and abandoned me. My worst fear, Steve, is that I'll be alone again, and it will be because of my powers, because I'm not worthy of being loved because of something I cannot change. I'm afraid that I will lose control and lose everything that matters to me. The thing that makes me strong is also my greatest weakness. I'm scared of being alone and that is what the witch made me see. A world that I had destroyed, a world in which I am entirely by myself.'

Steve was staring at her when she finally turned to face him. He looked horrified, disturbed and so very sad. Nadia blinked and realised her hands were shaking again. Steve obviously noticed as well, as he inched closer to her and put an arm around her shoulders.

'You will never be alone again, Nadia. You have a family now who love and respect you, a family who will never abandon you.' Steve squeezed the arm that was around her. 'And as for your powers, it's like you said – they make you strong. Your strength isn't something to be scared of, just respected.'

She felt comfort at his words, but remnants of the vision were still there, and she doubted she would forget them until the day she died. He hadn't told her anything she didn't already know, deep within her heart, but feelings weren't always rational, weren't always easy to control and fear was the wiliest of emotions.

'What did you see?' She asked again and Steve licked his lips, his arm slipping from around her shoulders.

'It was back in the war – or after it, I guess – and I was at a dance hall. There were soldiers dancing with their girls, taking photos and laughing over spilled wine. But I didn't really see that. I saw men who were fighting on the battlefield, I saw the flashes of light that accompany explosions, I saw the blood of a wounded soldier. It seemed that everywhere I looked, I was supposed to see joy and celebration, but all I saw was pain and war.

'That's my fear, doll. That Ultron was right and that I'm not capable of living a life without fighting. I've done it my whole life. I fought for my health, I fought bullies and then the Nazi's. I don't know what normal life even is anymore.'

'That's just your PTSD talking. You never got closure, Steve. It's understandable that you're conflicted about your place, your purpose now, but don't think for a moment that finding a new normal is impossible.'

'The only thing I know how to do in this time is fight. War is chaotic and unpredictable but it's familiar. Nothing feels the same because nothing is the same. Nothing feels like home…' Steve turned to her and she was startled to see that there were tears in his eyes. 'Except you.'

Gently, she cradled his face in her hands and he closed his eyes against her touch. 'Ultron was wrong. You can live without a war, without fighting. You've already proven that. Together we have made plans for our future with a yard and jobs and kids and vacations and lazy Saturday mornings. You may be a solider, Steve Rogers, but you are also a man who wants a home. Yours was taken from you so you made a new one. If you're going to fight for anything, fight for that.'

Eyes still closed, Steve nodded, and Nadia brought his head down to lean their foreheads together, drinking in the others comfort.