The moment we've all been waiting for: Sh*t, this is Fan. Fan, meet Sh*t.

I've been building up to this for what feels like a really long time, so I'm excited to drop this chapter :D And once again, this chapter was not supposed to be this long, but it's fine :')

your soul is on fire, a shot in the dark; what did they aim for when they missed your heart? - Shot in the Dark (Within Temptation)

o0o0o

"Guess who I ran into the other day?"

Karma glowers silently as Kotori comes bouncing up to the counter. "What can I get you?" she asks mechanically. Alfheim was too tempting, so she hadn't been able to convince herself to actually sleep over the weekend.

"The usual!" she chirps, eyes flashing maliciously as she leans on the counter, her lips twisting in an expression of faux pity. "Your best friend doesn't think you love her anymore."

Sour frustration swoops in her stomach. Logically, she knows Clover's likely stretching the truth or even outright lying, but her expression is gleeful, and Karma is pretty sure she at least talked to Megu, whatever Megu said.

Her eyeroll isn't even that forced. "I have more important things to deal with."

Kotori makes an interested noise in the back of her throat, her eyes tracking Karma's every movement. "Oooh, cold," she giggles. "Things changed, huh? I get that."

And the sad part is that Kotori probably does get that, far better than Megu does.

At this point in the game, Karma is resigned to an attack. She has no desire to try and talk Kotori out of it anymore, because even if she somehow succeeded, she would always have that tingling paranoia in the back of her mind that she didn't, and that Kotori is only waiting for her to let her guard down to strike.

Best to just let her have at it, and put her down then, once and for all. But Karma still doesn't know when it's going to happen, and frankly, the wait doesn't get any easier to bear.

"How's Haruhi doing these days?" she asks mildly, moving to the coffee machine. "She moved away to that new apartment block, didn't she? It's closer to her rehab center and all. Must be hard to be so far away from a close friend."

And Kotori is a good actress, but not quite good enough. "Wh—how-"

The tiny quaver in her voice sparks a dark triumph in Karma. Honestly, it was pure chance that she knew Haruhi had moved; she saw the girl while she was necklace-hunting further from her apartment and decided to tail her on her way back home. Her stealth and stalking abilities were a little limited outside of Aincrad, but she made do.

"She had to use a wheelchair for a week or two after SAO, didn't she? She doesn't seem to be doing too bad in rehab though. Good for her. But she should be careful; it's so easy for accidents to happen when you're recovering like that."

The tension is visible in Kotori now, her jaw clenching, breathing quickening, and Karma struggles to hold back a grin. Good.

"So how are things at the studio?" she continues, taking her sweet time with the drink; normally, she can't move fast enough to get Kotori out. "You guys are gearing up for the winter season, right? It's too bad you and Haruhi can't participate. I'm sure the others can pick up the slack, though. I know Kayoko and Himeko still go there. You'll have the bars and the beam covered for sure, unless something happened to th-"

Kotori's voice trembles as she hisses, "Don't you dare-"

"Here!" Karma exclaims, smiling with genuine cheer as she slides the finished drink over. "Hey, you should give me the studio's schedule for meets. I'll go cheer them on!"

"You wouldn't-"

Her smile stays fixed on her face. "Clover," she purrs, and Kotori's eyes narrow into chips of ice. "It's been a long time since I threw you in the Black Iron Palace. You know almost nothing about what I can and can't do, and I don't think you have the faintest clue what I would or wouldn't do. Frankly, you're really starting to get on my nerves, and I have better things to do with my time than listen to you."

"Th-they're innocent. They were your friends-"

"I don't care," Karma says bluntly, eyes wide and guileless. "I. Don't. Care. My life before Aincrad means nothing. They mean nothing. You're annoying, and I will silence you. And if they happen to get hurt in the crossfire, know that you started it."

It's not the first time she's used this tactic. She used it often enough to prevent or end fights, but she's never really done it with the express purpose of starting one.

A twinge of guilt pangs in her heart; the other girls are innocent, and they were her friends. Then she brushes the guilt aside; they're just words. She's sick and tired of feeling guilty, she doesn't need more to pile on, and she'll need all the strength she can get for the upcoming fight, especially now that she's sped up the clock.

Cross her fingers in the hopes that it works.

o0o0o

As an afterthought, Karma checks her phone just before playing Alfheim again.

Nothing.

Her heart twists slightly; Megu hasn't texted her since a few days ago, when Karma had that spontaneous Zoom call with the KoB. It's probably a good thing, to be honest...If Kotori is really going to make a move soon, likely with Haruhi by her side, Karma doesn't want Megu anywhere nearby; she'll probably only get in the way.

Suddenly, her phone buzzes, making her jump. After glancing cautiously at the caller ID, she picks up. "Hey, what's up?"

Uzala's familiar voice responds, "Hey, I didn't wake you up, did I?"

"No, you're fine," she says with genuine warmth; she can hear it in her voice, and it feels nice to not have to fake it for once. "What is it?"

"Oh, nothing much. Are you coming to the next Zoom? You never responded about it in the group chat, so I was just wondering."

She props her feet up on her desk and sighs. "Um, yeah, probably." They haven't had many opportunities to meet up given all the schedules they have to work around, and the last one was nearly as fun as the first, even though she had to whisper and use the chat box the whole time, confined to her room.

The lock clicked as she shut the door, breathless from having practically jogged all the way back home from the cafe. Half listening to the babble of familiar voices in her ears, she crossed to her window, cracking the curtains open with clammy hands, only to slam them shut again when Kotori beamed up at her from the streets below, waving.

Still, despite various obstacles, she treasures each opportunity; it's just…

Uzala's voice crackles through the speaker softly: "You don't have to if you don't want to, you know."

"No, of course I want to," she reassures him firmly, sitting up and putting her feet back down; this, at least, is no lie. "I love seeing all of you. It gives me something to look forward to. It's just-"

She snaps her mouth shut, but it's too late.

"It's just?" he gently prompts, and she can't help her gaze from wandering to the NerveGear on her shelf before she wrenches it away.

With another quiet sigh, she admits, "It's just a little lonely. Sorry, I didn't mean—I meant—it's stupid-"

"It's not stupid," Uzala says quietly, sounding uncharacteristically pensive. "We all miss them too."

But she's sure they don't miss him.

"Yeah," is all she says out loud, and Uzala heaves an almost dramatically deep sigh; maybe in different circumstances, she would've teased him for it, asking jokingly if there was something going through his head for once, then laughing at the expression he would make, but she's too tired.

"We'll figure it out," he says bracingly, and she wishes she felt his conviction. "And speaking of which...I was thinking of driving up to visit Godfree's family this week. My computer says it's a five hour drive, but the weather's probably gonna screw me over, so I'll leave early in the morning and probably get there around evening…"

Past the lead weight suddenly in the pit of her chest again, Karma feigns a gasp. "Wait, you're actually getting up early for once in your life? Voluntarily?"

"I'm not that lazy!"

"You're totally an imposter. Who are you and what did you do w-"

"Good night," he declares flatly; she can practically see him sticking his nose up in the air while dramatically marching out of the room (and potentially walking into the wall next to the door instead of the door, which has happened before). "I'm going to go walk my puppy, because he won't be mean and sarcastic to me, thank you very much."

He hangs up to her laughing at him. With an affectionate snort, she turns her phone off, and her smile fades as she turns to the window.

She's still confident she can outsmart and outfight Kotori and Haruhi. But it's never a certain thing; revenge is a heady feeling. She would know.

Is there a way to let the KoB know? Karma will never ask them to fight her fights for her, but she would rather not leave them behind with no explanation. Still, even if she was killed, it's unlikely that the government would think to inform them, especially not if they aren't able to figure out who it was.

A pre-scheduled email or message? She has a feeling Kotori will be making her move soon, especially with how she egged her on the other day, but that's no guarantee. She doesn't want to worry them if there's no point; they can't help her here, and if they don't have to worry, that's one less thing for her to think about.

A problem for another time, she decides, exhausted. She checks the lock on her window, checks the front door, and sets the NerveGear on her head to start dreaming.

o0o0o

Karma is busy locking up the coffee shop when she suddenly notices a figure standing in the shadows at the corner, dark and small and unassuming. Her heart seizes, and her eyes dart side to side, searching for Haruhi as the figure steps into the light-

"What are you looking for?" Megu asks, unimpressed as she walks across the deserted street.

She stares, her heart still drumming frantically in her chest, and she takes a deep breath, forcing her fingers to uncurl from around the grip of her knife. It's just Megu…so why is she having such a hard time prying her fingers away?

"What are you doing here?" she asks instead, avoiding her gaze. Part of her feels guilty for being so cold recently, and a bigger part of her is too tired for this by this point.

Megu shrugs, feigning a casual air. "Thought I'd surprise you. I'm staying with my parents this weekend, since we have relatives over. Come on, we can walk home together."

Despite the olive branch, Karma's too keen eyes notice the details. Megu's fingers are curled around the strap of her handbag, and she holds herself uncharacteristically still. Usually, she likes fidgeting with something, mostly her phone. She's still uncomfortable around Karma, and although Karma can't exactly blame her, it hollows out the hole in her chest.

With a sigh, she opens her mouth to agree-

-and sees a shadow duck around the corner.

Every muscle in her body goes rigid as ice spreads through her veins. Her breath catches in her chest, frozen, as the wind picks up. Snowflakes melt down the back of her neck under her clothes, but she can't tell if the cold is coming from the storm outside or inside. Numb fingers encased in gloves grip her knife tightly, shaking.

In a split second, she weighs her options.

"Take the bus home!" she shouts over her shoulder as she takes off, sprinting across the street after the shadow.

"Wh—Natsuki!"

Kotori lets her keep catching glimpses of her as she leads her on a goose chase through the streets. Karma knows full well that she's walking into a trap of some sort, probably with Haruhi helping out. Even in the real world, she's confident that even the two of them can't take her out, if for no other reason other than the fact that she's smarter and a better fighter, but that just means they have something up their sleeves that makes them think they can.

She darts off down a side street, her breathing starting to come in ragged gasps now. Kotori can't be much better off, which means they have to be nearing some ambush point. Karma forces herself to think this through, to think like Karma would, to think of Kotori and Haruhi as Clover and Lucille, the people who took lives in that death game for their own entertainment.

And she won't let them take hers.

Before SAO, she never paid attention to this town. She knew where all the best cafes were, and which roads were the busiest, amongst other things that she knew up until they weren't useful anymore. Ever since she knew that Clover was going to try to kill her one day, she looked up maps. She explored and took long walks under the half-true guise of getting more exercise, memorizing all the back alleys and side streets and suburbs.

If this was her new playing field, then she'd be damned if she didn't make it hers to master.

She has a pretty good idea of where Clover is trying to take her. There's a bridge in the middle of town—the seemingly perfect place for two people to corner her, launch a pincer attack, and then, better yet, dump the evidence off the side. For all her talk of revenge and innocent charisma, Clover was never really a subtle thinker. She's flashy and pretty, like her gymnastics routines, but also ultimately predictable—and foolish, considering exactly who she chose as her target.

Climbing over gates and weaving in and out of alleyways, she quickly shortcuts ahead. Trying to keep her breathing soft, she slows to a walk as she sneaks her way down a narrow side street towards a four-way cross. Before the intersection, she ducks behind a set of trash cans and waits, knowing that Clover will have to pass by this area to get to the bridge, and takes out her phone.

[Hey, guys...turns out, I brought some ghosts with me from Aincrad…]

After writing out a short message that she's been composing in her head for the longest time, she sets it to send after twenty-four hours and taps away at her phone for a few more seconds before slipping the device into her pocket.

The minutes tick by, and she shivers. The wind is blowing from her back, sending snow tumbling down the back of her shirt.

If someone told the Natsuki of two years ago that she would be here—freezing her ass off at near midnight, armed with a folding knife, hiding in a side street behind some trash cans, waiting for an old friend to come walking through so that she can ambush her—she would've laughed, creeped out and slightly alarmed, and slammed the door in their face.

If someone told the Karma of not even two months ago that she would be here, she would've literally kicked them out the door, slammed it shut after them, and went to laugh with him about how ridiculous it all was.

She realizes suddenly that she can't feel any more snowflakes falling down the back of her shirt.

Karma whirls around as Clover pounces, sending both of them tumbling to the ground; stars explode in her vision as her head cracks against the ground. She gasps as Clover wraps her hands around her throat and squeezes, black spots erupting in her vision over the sight of Clover with her teeth bared viciously.

The sight of steel raised above her galvanizes her into action. Clover jumps back as Karma slashes at her with her own knife. Before she can run, Karma grabs her by her collar and forces them over, driving a knee into her stomach and grabbing her by the wrists.

"You thought you could ambush me and kill me, just because we're not in SAO anymore," Karma hisses in Clover's face while she writhes, trying in vain to escape; the cold helps to numb the pain in her throat. "But I don't plan on going down easily any day of the week."

Clover rears up, trying to headbutt her, but she secures her grip, digging her fingers into her skin as a warning.

"You killed Rie and threw us in prison," Clover spits out, eyes blazing with unadulterated loathing.

"Your friend and the rest of your guild murdered innocent players," Karma retorts, starting to sweat with the effort of keeping her pinned down. "And you even planned to continue it in real life with me. Well, guess what, I'm not so easy of a target!"

Clover snarls and throws Karma off in a sudden burst of resistance. A loud CLANG! rings out as Karma's head hits a trash can. Her shaky vision glimpses a flash of steel, and she yanks a trash can lid up to block a kitchen knife with a horrendous SCREECH. In the distance, she can hear sirens approaching, and Clover grins victoriously.

"Are you gonna fight me, then?" Clover taunts, panting too. The two years in SAO didn't treat her body too kindly either. "Haruhi already called the police while we were setting up. She's a real great actress, didja know that?"

"You wouldn't call the police if you wanted to murder me and get away with it," she says lowly, the trash can lid in one hand and her folding knife in the other like a shield and sword; her stance is impeccable, even if her weapon choice isn't, after two years of fighting at his side.

She pretends the ache in her throat is only from Clover's fingers digging into her windpipe a minute ago.

"Oh, we thought about it," she agrees, stalking closer. "But letting you rot in a jail cell like you did to us seems much more fulfilling!"

Footsteps tap-tap behind Karma on her other side, and she turns to see Lucille, gaunt and thin, walking around the corner, also armed with what looks like a paring knife. She tenses, preparing for either one to attack, and she finally lets herself smile humorlessly.

"So I think now is an appropriate time to let you know that you made one big mistake," she says lowly, her breathing evening out as she readies herself for a fight. "You let me know that you were going to try and attack me, and I've been on my toes ever since. You think I'm not used to people trying to kill me by now?"

She pauses, her fingers searching for her phone, a rush of sheer relief hitting her as she feels the warmth through her pocket. "That and I just happened to record that whole conversation, so actually, good on you for calling the police." Grinning, she hisses, "They'll be here soon, and they'll throw you back in jail where you belong."

They should've kept stalling. If Clover wasn't so stupid as to panic after just a few threatening words, perhaps Karma would've been pushed to move first eventually. But once they attacked, once they lit the match, the game instantly swung into her favor. Clover held the advantage when Karma couldn't do anything, but this is where Karma's strength can finally come through.

Justice doesn't serve the good or the just, nor protect the weak or innocent; it serves whoever is strong enough to be its master, and if it has any loyalty, it can change in an instant.

Clover's eyes widen as she begins to tremble, and she lunges with a frenzied cry, losing whatever was left of her common sense. Falling back into her combat habits with an ease that surprises even herself, Karma dodges her wild slashes with little difficulty—Clover clearly doesn't know how to use a knife properly, instead treating it like the longer katana she had in SAO—before slamming the trash can lid into her side.

Dropping the makeshift shield, she quickly grabs Clover's arm, redirecting her momentum to slam her face-first into a wall. As Lucille rushes in, she grabs Clover by the neck and shoves her into her friend with a grunt, sending both girls sprawling in a heap.

Her lips stretch up in a raw, open grin as adrenaline rushes like cold fire through her veins. The feeling is achingly familiar—the feeling of fighting for her life, and winning. It's terrifying, exhilarating, and uncontrollably empowering all at once, and she feels as though she can never get enough.

"We should get out of here," Lucille wheezes, staggering to her feet. Her high-pitched voice cracks with panic. "They'll be here any second!"

A trickle of blood rolling over her lip from her nose, Clover scoops up her knife, her harsh, ragged breaths gathering in curls and puffs around her face. "If she really recorded the whole thing, we'll have to kill her first!"

Karma narrows her eyes, setting her feet. Cold, bitter resentment wells up inside of her lungs in a way she's been trying to push down for weeks, ever since Clover started showing up and pushing and pushing and pushing her, taking away all the places she thought she was safe, taunting and mocking her, the very same resentment she's been trying to suppress ever since she woke up in the real world and realized he wasn't here.

It steals her breath away, as well as any mercy she might've had once.

"I'm done with this place," she whispers.

She rolls to the side as Clover brings down the knife in both hands with a shout, and she leaps up onto a dumpster as Clover runs at her, hacking and slashing wildly. Out of the corner of her eye, there's motion from Lucille, and she jumps; for a second, hanging suspended in the air, she sees the fear in the whites of the other girl's eyes and feels invincible-

As soon as her feet hit the ground, Lucille starts to turn to run—her biggest mistake. Karma's hand flashes out, grabbing the other girl's ponytail and yanking hard, and her shriek is cut off as Karma punches her in the face with all the force of her core, shoulder, and arm, as well as the added weight of the knife clenched in her fist, behind the blow. With a thud, she hits the wall and crumples to the ground; Karma barely feels the pain in her hand through the adrenaline.

Clover's eyes widen as they track her defeated accomplice, and the hesitation costs her. Karma lunges in that instant, batting Clover's knife arm aside and driving her shoulder against her chest to shove her bodily into the wall. Her head cracks back against the brick, and her knife clatters to the ground.

"You were right," Karma admits openly between ragged breaths, the cold twisting and seething inside of her, so cold that it burns, searching for fuel to keep itself alive. "I am all alone here." She folds up her knife deliberately and slips it back into her pocket, her tone indifferent. "You were stupid to come for me if you thought that would make me soft."

It just makes her weak. And being weak makes her dangerous.

Eyes wild and desperate, Clover springs forward with a hoarse scream, and Karma moves.

I've had enough.

With a sharp twist of her hips, Karma slams the end of her steel-toed boot into the girl's knee in the split second that Clover's foot is flat on the ground, sending a sharp SNAP ringing out; taking one step, she grabs Clover's outstretched hand by the wrist and flips her over her shoulder. In a flash, Clover finds herself airborne; like a natural gymnast, she tries to get her feet underneath her for a landing-

Karma drops to a crouch as her knife flies to her hand; pivoting sharply, she plunges the blade into the back of Clover's knee. In the space of an instant, she can feel the point of the knife hit bone; the impact reverberates through her hand and arm like striking a bell before she twists the knife and rips the blade down as hard as she can.

The blizzard howls, drowning out Clover's screams as the whiteout simply swallows them up, cold and uncaring. Breathing out softly, Karma straightens up; for once, she can't even feel the cold. Absently, she runs the hem of her hoodie along her blade to clean it. Red on red won't show anyways.

Sirens blare as footsteps draw closer and closer, but she's quick to act, leaping on top of Clover just as the police round the corner. She muffles her mouth with one hand, holding the knife to her throat with the other in a clear warning sign—back off.

In their hesitation, she snaps at Lucille, who flinches, "Well?"

Technically, the voice recording should still be going, and Clover had been kind enough to say exactly what Karma needed her to say, but having it come straight from Lucille would make her case much more convincing.

They bark at her to let Clover go, but Karma has no intention of complying until she gets the truth out of Lucille. The other girl trembles—from fear or cold or both, Karma can't tell, nor does she care.

"D-don't hurt her, p-please-"

"The truth first, then," she interrupts coldly. "Tell them how you tricked them to set me up. Tell them how she-" She gives Clover's head a little shake, numb fingers digging into Clover's face. "-stalked me at my job, followed me home, and threatened me for weeks." Fury seeps into her voice for one uncontrollable moment. "Tell them why you did it."

She could never kill Clover and get away with it in front of law enforcement, and nor would she (at least, she doesn't think she would), but she knows Lucille will forever remember watching Rie burst into pixels before her eyes. And she knows Lucille doesn't know that Karma can't and won't kill her friend; all she knows is that Karma has done it before.

And the truth spills from her lips in heaving cries of guilt, and only when the fear has eked out every last word of confession does Karma step away from Clover, satisfied. Lucille falls to the ground to her knees in the snow stained red at her friend's side, sobbing; Karma doesn't spare them another glance as she lets herself be led away.

Clover doesn't bleed to death, but she will never run or somersault on the tumbling floor ever again.

Good.

o0o0o

Between the phone recording and Lucille's confession, Karma didn't really have much else to say other than confirm what happened. After verifying the truth about the three girls' history in SAO and a long back and forth, they couldn't contest the fact that not only did the two orange players lie to law enforcement, but also that Karma was not the initial aggressor and never was. Lucille backed it all up, having given up entirely after her first admission.

Maybe she was suspiciously prepared, but it's not illegal to carry a knife as small as hers. Clover was the one who pulled a knife on her first anyways; she was only acting in self defense with a tool she happened to have at hand.

The damage Karma did to Clover was a point of contention, but she simply protested that she spent two years on the front lines in SAO and reacted accordingly to a situation in which her life was supposedly in danger. As for holding Clover hostage, well, she was never going to seriously injure her again, but she was banking on Lucille's emotionality getting the better of her, and the important thing is that Lucille confessed.

When they demanded why she didn't report it when Clover first approached her, she just fed them a half-truth about how she didn't think they would ever take a former SAO player seriously, which they wouldn't have, and how she thought she could handle it herself, which she did. It's not even a lie, and it's not like they can prove anything without getting into her mind—and her mind is the last sanctuary she has. The walls have been crumbling, and though she doesn't have the resources to fix it, she has the desperation to defend it to her last breath.

She stretches her arms above her head in exhaustion as she's escorted out and rubs her sore throat idly. Aside from that and her sprained fingers (now in a brace) from when she punched Lucille, she walked away with barely a scratch otherwise—all in all, not a bad turnout, considering the original aim of the attack.

She didn't get a chance to ask what will happen to Clover and Lucille, but what matters is that they won't even think about coming near her again.

One problem down. The others aren't ones that she can fight, but Clover is now out of the picture. She assumes she'll have to answer some more questions later, and she heard them talking about more therapy, but those are minor nuisances she can handle with ease.

Truth be told, Clover was never really a threat in the literal sense of the word. Karma always knew there was a good chance that she could handle her and probably Lucille in a fight, but the psychological wear and tear of waiting for it was starting to get to her. She can take this one step at a time now.

The sight waiting for her in the lobby stops her dead in her tracks. "What are you doing here?"

Her parents gasp, and Karma takes a bewildered step back, hackles rising instinctively, but her mother doesn't seem to notice and just throws her arms around her anyway, seemingly blind to the way Karma stiffens like a board, suffocating.

"Oh, sweetheart, we were so worried—we got a call saying you were at the police station, you got attacked-" She pulls back, hands cradling Karma's face, turning it this way and that, as if any injuries she might've received would be on her face. "Are you hurt? Are you—did he-"

"I'm fine," she says firmly, grasping her mother's hands and lowering them.

"Your hand-"

"I did that to myself. They barely touched me."

"They?"

"Your daughter is perfectly fine," the police officer escorting her assures her parents curtly, darting nervous glances at Karma, who barely pushes down the urge to roll her eyes. It's funny, especially when her parents are too busy to even notice. They never noticed Kotori's intentions either, though, so she can't be surprised.

Her father turns to the officer, as if Karma isn't standing right here.

"What happened? How did our daughter get into this? Who-"

"Let's just go home already," Karma interrupts, letting a hint of a (not at all fake) whine enter her voice. "I'm really tired. I'll tell you about it later." If only because she knows there's no way to keep it from them indefinitely, and no matter what they end up believing, her version of the story—the truth, albeit doctored—can at least be the first one they hear.

"Oh, honey, you don't have to," her mother frets, smoothing down her hair despite her trying to edge away, so uncomfortable—all this attention now, when the problem was right under their noses for weeks. "It must've been a terrible experience; I know you must've been so scared-"

Karma pastes a blank smile on to draw their attention away from the stiff set of her shoulders, because she's so tired of all of this.

What do you know?

There is no in between. The people who know what she is think she's one thread away from snapping. The people who don't know assume they know her demons; they assume everything to fit their expectations.

She knows they're worried. And honestly, she doesn't blame them. And she feels guilty for it, but there's nothing she can do about it that won't make it worse except keep pretending. There were people who worried about her in SAO too, weren't there? But they didn't just assume; they didn't try to force her into a box that looked like what they wanted to see. They saw her at face value.

They never pressed for details when she didn't want them to, but nor would they shy away from the truth if she were to tell them. They worried, but they never tried to pretend like she wasn't strong. They never laughed when she said that she was.

And when she believed she was weak, someone was there to believe that she was strong, so where is he now?

She wants that back, she wants him back, she wants to go home.

o0o0o

Regretfully, Karma places the NerveGear back on the shelf for the night. She wouldn't put it past her parents for one of them to try and check on her in the morning, and they would only get suspicious if they encountered a locked door and no response. She doubts they're asleep either, so she can't even get herself some coffee to tide her over through the few hours left until morning.

She's exhausted—physically and mentally. Her mind is just as out of shape as her body; both have gotten rusty and complacent in the absence of the high stakes SAO enforced. In Aincrad, her fight or flight response was invoked at least once a day, so she just got used to it, eventually. The adrenaline rush never completely overpowered her like it did tonight, nor did it leave her feeling so empty after it swept away, and the exhaustion has seeped into her bones, settling there like an infection.

She's in the middle of reading Wuthering Heights again, since she's in no mood to sleep, her eyes feeling as though they're weighted with lead, when her phone buzzes.

Karma jumps, but it's only Uzala, texting in the group chat. Her lips quirk briefly at the selfie he sent of himself and some girl he apparently met at the club.

[Cute. I give it a week :3] she snarks; immediately, Kili responds with a chain of ROFL's and a thumbs up on her message.

Uzala is quick to react.

[Rude! T.T And why are you guys awake anyways?!]

[Y'know, I would say college students are nocturnal animals, but that implies we sleep during the day,] is Kili's response.

Suddenly, Karma remembers the message she wrote them that was going to send by itself if Clover did succeed in killing her. She quickly deletes it, breathing out quietly. Deleting it makes it feel more real somehow, that she really did win.

I won, didn't I?

For two years, she has hesitated to call any PvP fight a win, not unless she actually accomplished her task without having to take a life. It was those times when she could feel triumphant in returning home, knowing that just this time, she could go home and share in her friends' relief that she was back safe and she wouldn't have to act like she wasn't disgusted with herself for still being alive.

"I won," she whispers, staring at her reflection in the dark window; for the first time in weeks, she can look outside without having to worry that Clover's face will be waiting for her below. "I won."

She doesn't feel like she won.

A headache begins to throb, and she presses her hand to her head, digging the heel into her temple, squeezing her eyes shut.

"I won," she tells herself again. "I'm alive, they're alive, and they'll never, n-never come near me again-"

But the price she made them pay-

They should've expected it. They should've been prepared for it. They shouldn't have tried in the first place. It was just self-defense.

Breathing hard now, she snatches her phone up; it takes her several tries, between her trembling fingers and the blurriness pooling in her vision.

[Am I a good person?]

On the top of the screen, the 'Uzala is typing' indicator stops for a few seconds, during which her heartbeat roars in her ears like a war drum, before resuming.

[Yes.] Then: [Nightmare? You okay?]

I wish.

At the same time, Kili asks, [Are you okay?] A second later: [Oh, and yes, btw.]

[Do you want one of us to call you?] Uzala suggests, so quick to extend a hand.

Tears drip drip onto the screen, warm and wet, like blood-

[What if I hurt someone on purpose?]

Uzala's reply is almost immediate.

[Karma, what happened? Are you hurt?]

Her phone drops to the table as she buries her face in her hands with a sob.

Hands that did not kill tonight.

Hands that remember the feeling of tearing flesh and muscle, of crippling a teenage girl badly enough that she will never again be able to do what she loves-

"I didn't mean to," she chokes out, but that's a lie, that's such a lie, she meant it, she meant all of it; she meant the damage that she wanted to cause.

I only ever wanted to protect them.

Everything she did, every life she took, she did it to protect someone. Once, the only life she was defending was her own, but even then, defense was her priority; it was never about spite or revenge.

They've always been quick to point it out. Whenever she questioned if she was truly all that different from the monsters she tried to subdue, they reminded her of what was important, that she fought not to destroy, but to preserve.

"I'm sorry," she sobs; the last thing she ever wanted was to become the thing she tried to protect them from for two years; did all that time mean nothing-

"You can deny it all you want, but you know that you're just like us...It's a pity you won't join us. You would feel right at home."

When PoH said those words to her almost a year ago, at the time, she felt only indignant, righteous rage, brazenly confident in herself and her own resolve and purpose. At the time, she knew what she was fighting for. At the time, his words only inspired her to fight harder, determined to never become the monster that he was proud of being.

At the time, she never thought she would one day prove him right.

Karma realizes that Clover didn't succeed in killing her or even injuring her, and she didn't even have to in order for Karma to lose.

o0o0o

I tried so hard, thought I could do this on my own; I've lost so much along the way - Pieces (Red)

you used to captivate me by your resonating light; now I'm bound by the life you left behind - My Immortal (Evanescence)

Oh, Clover, did you really think that pushing her so much would work? You definitely weren't there the last time Karma lost it...

So I really wanted to show how prone to weakness Karma actually is, especially without Heathcliff and Asuna to ground her. That's why I included the first part. Who knows if she would've actually harmed Clover's (and her own former) friends, since they ended up just being words, unlike what she did to Clover. As she said, she doesn't take kindly to being pushed, and she hasn't got anyone to catch her anymore (partially her fault). She spent so long being trapped in her helplessness and paranoia before Clover, who seriously miscalculated, gave her the freedom to lash out all she wanted. She wouldn't (and couldn't) have gone so far in SAO, but Heathcliff's betrayal destabilized her in more ways than one. Afterwards, she regretted it immensely, but in the moment, her spite refused to stop at simply fending off danger; instead, she left Clover with a likely permanent, crippling injury for really no reason other than the fact that she wanted revenge.

And initially, I was just going to end the chapter with her resentment towards her parents, but then I thought about the KoB, which is how this ended up being like a thousand words longer than the rough draft :D I don't think any of them would just outright turn their backs on her (nor am I nearly cruel enough to make that happen XD), but I did want them to somehow factor into her growing feelings of guilt and self-loathing.

As I said, we're having so much fun here :D

(And I don't really know how law enforcement would've handled that realistically, but it's fine, I'll just claim artistic liberty :'P)

Still, enemies trying to kill her, she can handle, even without Heathcliff; it was never really about her actual ability to handle the threat to begin with anyways. She hasn't quite snapped. And now that Clover and Lucille are gone, everything should go back to normal, right?