Douxie wrapped his arms around himself as he walked. The night was chilly, but he barely noticed it. His chest hurt, his head was pounding, and he felt like it was all he could do to just breath. He cringed back from the few people that he passed in the streets and tightened his hold around himself. He did his best to push down every overwhelming feeling and thought, but that just made him feel even worse. He didn't want to repress his emotions, but he knew that while sometimes when he was upset he couldn't use his magic at all, other times it just came out because he wasn't focused enough to control it, and that was the last thing he wanted to happen. He was already in trouble with his Master, and he didn't want to make things even worse.
Douxie knew that he probably shouldn't be in the village and around other people when he wasn't positive that he could keep control. However, he really couldn't be in the castle right now. He had caused enough trouble in the castle for one night. The only place he would feel secure was in the tower, but that was the worst possible place he could be. Merlin would return to his tower sooner or later, if he wasn't up there right now, and Douxie didn't think he could handle being anywhere near his Master.
Archie dug his claws slightly into Douxie's shoulder and he gasped. "Breath, Douxie,"
"What do you think I'm doing?" Douxie asked. Archie withdrew his claws and nuzzled Douxie's head.
"Overthinking everything and trying too hard to please a man who probably doesn't care about you." Archie said irritably. Even though Douxie had been specifically told to breathe, and it was something he'd been trying to do regularly for a while now, he felt his breath get caught in his throat Douxie stopped in his tracks.
"D-doesn't care." Douxie knew that wasn't right, he really did, but the words were ringing in his head and it suddenly felt impossible to remember anything that Merlin had done to show him that he cared about him. All Douxie could think of was all the times when he had disappointed Merlin. It hadn't felt that overwhelming before, but now Douxie felt like it was a common, almost frequent, occurrence.
Archie stiffened and crouched low on Douxie's shoulders. He could feel his familiar purring anxiously. "Douxie, breathe!"
Douxie quickly shook his head. He hadn't even realized that he was holding his breath, but he couldn't seem to force his air out. "I-I can't." Archie hopped off his shoulder and flew into the air just in front of Douxie. Archie dug his teeth into Douxie's tunic and pulled him down towards the ground. Douxie felt a little self-conscious just sitting in the middle of the road, but he didn't have the energy to fight against Archie's guidance, and as soon as Douxie was sitting on the ground he didn't think he'd be able to stand up.
Douxie started to lean forward and hunch in on himself, but Archie nudged his chest hard enough to knock the air out of him and make him straighten. Once Douxie let a breath out he couldn't keep it in. Douxie started breathing fast and short, losing more air than he was bringing in.
Archie sighed and settled himself on Douxie's lap, nudging his hands until Douxie instinctively started to pet him. His strokes were probably quicker and harsher than Archie would normally like, but the familiar didn't complain. Archie just sat there patiently for several minutes and waited as Douxie calmed down. Eventually the young wizard was calm enough that he was no longer hyperventilating. His breathing was far from normal, but he no longer felt like he was going to faint.
Archie gave his hand a small, rough lick. "I'm sorry, I was out of line."
"I-It's fine," Douxie said roughly. Archie shook his head.
"No, it's not," Archie said firmly.
"But you were right." Douxie said. He hated the way his voice cracked.
"No, I wasn't," Archie scowled. "As frustrating as Merlin can be, he does care about you. Why else would he be trying so hard to help you learn magic?"
"Because he doesn't want an untrained wizard wandering around?" Douxie suggested.
"You know that Arthur has his own ways of dealing with wizards in the kingdom," Archie growled, and Douxie thought he heard the fire in the back of his throat. Douxie shrunk back slightly.
"Yeah, I know." Douxie himself had almost been killed by the knights because he had magic. He knew that his people faced persecution. Douxie didn't want to get his hopes up, but he began to believe what his familiar was saying.
Archie nuzzled close to Douxie, but suddenly he froze and quickly looked towards one of the buildings. Archie was tense and his ears twitched. He seemed to be listening to something. A moment later Archie's ears flattened and he looked a little anxious. The familiar got off of Douxie's lap and began to pull on his tunic again to try to get him moving. Douxie frowned, confused, but he didn't stop to ask questions. Archie wouldn't get nervous about just anything. If the dragon thought it was time to go somewhere else, Douxie would follow him.
Douxie scrambled to his feet, stumbling a little bit. His breathing was still far too rapid and his chest hurt a bit, but he followed Archie behind a closed and abandoned fruit stand. Douxie crouched behind the crates and boxes as Archie crept forward to keep an eye on the street. Douxie moved to see for himself, but Archie hissed at him, warning him to keep back.
A long moment passed before Douxie heard a door open harshly. From the sudden noise and overwhelming smells Douxie knew that it was the tavern. Since the door slamming wasn't accompanied by shouting or crying, he thought it was safe to assume that someone was just a little too intoxicated and got reckless. It wasn't someone angry and dangerous. Douxie relaxed slightly, but Archie stiffened even more.
"What that boy needs is discipline." A man said, and Douxie barely stifled a gasp when he heard it. He recognized Galahad's voice. Was that why Archie had made him hide? "You spoil him." For some reason these words seemed to irritate Archie. The cat growled and arched his back. "Nothing motivates young squires like the fear of what will happen if they fail."
"Well, in case you hadn't noticed, Hisirdoux isn't a squire," Merlin said, and this time Douxie wasn't able to hold back his gasp of shock and slight horror. What in the world was Merlin doing here? Douxie had never known him to drink, and yet by the slight slur in Merlin's voice Douxie knew that he was more than just a little drunk.
Douxie hunched his shoulders and tried to make himself smaller. He was still breathing quickly and harshly, but he felt like he couldn't breath. Had...had Merlin been drinking because of him? Had he really messed up so badly?
Archie gave him a concerned look, but Douxie was too focused listening to what Merlin was saying.
"I've tried being strict with him, but it just pushed him away. I've tried to be patient and understanding, but he still doesn't trust or listen to me." Merlin said. Douxie flinched harshly. Archie walked over to him and nudged his hand. Douxie wrapped his arms around Archie and held him close. Why was his Master talking about him with Galahad of all people?
It sounded like somebody stumbled and then Galahad grunted. "Easy there, sorcerer." Galahad actually sounded concerned and the closest that Douxie had ever heard to him being sober. It was a little frightening. "I don't think our king will be very happy with me if I let something happen to you."
"I just don't know what to do with this boy." Merlin said tiredly. He didn't acknowledge Galahad's words at all. Douxie wondered if he even understood them. "Morgana may be right. I may not be the best teacher for Hisirdoux, and trying to balance being the royal sorcerer and a good teacher is exhausting." Merlin sighed. His next words were so quiet that Douxie almost missed them. "Perhaps it would have been better if I hadn't taken him on as an apprentice at all."
Douxie shivered as his veins seemed to turn cold. His ears were ringing. He stared with wide eyes in front of him without really seeing anything. He tightened his grip on Archie and folded in on his familiar. Had his accidental magic been so bad that Merlin was regretting bringing him in, or was it just the last straw that broke the camel's back? Had all of Douxie's mistakes just been building up, and Merlin no longer had the patience for him anymore?
Douxie whimpered and clutched at Archie's fur. He could hear his familiar talking to him, but he couldn't understand a word that he was saying. Archie was shifting around a lot, but Douxie didn't loosen his grip. He didn't know if Archie wanted to attack and yell at Merlin, or if he wanted to calm Douxie, but it didn't matter. Douxie didn't feel like he was physically capable of moving from this position, and at the moment Archie was part of that position.
Douxie was hurt and really scared. As far as he knew, the reason why Merlin had saved his life was because he needed a new apprentice, an extra set of hands to help out around the tower, and Douxie had been convenient and available. If Merlin thought that he shouldn't have taken Douxie on as an apprentice, what did that say about saving him in the first place?
"-xie. Come on, Douxie, come back to me." Archie began to paw at Douxie's legs. Douxie blinked several times before he slowly moved his gaze to meet his familiar's eyes. Archie relaxed slightly, but he still looked worried. "Are you okay?"
"Why did he say that to Galahad?" Douxie said quietly. Rationally he knew that Merlin wasn't going to conspire to get him killed, but why would he be talking to Galahad, the knight that Douxie was wary of, about this? Why?
Archie hissed. "Because Merlin's an old fool who doesn't understand emotions."
"I-I can't stay here." Douxie said. He finally let go of Archie, and his familiar climbed onto his shoulder.
"That's fine," Archie said gently. "We can go back to the tower and-"
"No," Douxie said firmly. He pulled himself to his feet. "I mean I can't stay here." If Merlin didn't want him as his apprentice, Douxie didn't want to wait around to be told. He wouldn't be able to handle it, and he didn't want to freak out in front of his master. Especially if Merlin wasn't going to be his master for much longer.
"Oh," Archie's ears perked up. "Are you sure?"
"I'm not sure of anything," Douxie laughed brokenly. "What else am I supposed to do?"
"Hey, if you want to leave, we can leave." Archie said. "That's why we've been collecting ingredients and food." Archie nudged his shoulder. "Will you be able to go back to the tower to grab your things, or do you want me to go?"
Douxie felt like this was something he should be able to do for himself, but the thought of going up to the castle was terrifying. "Can you do it?" He hated the way his voice cracked.
"Of course," Douxie nuzzled against him and hopped off his shoulder. "I'll be back as soon as I can." Archie hesitated. "Will you be okay on your own?"
"I'll be fine," Douxie said. Archie frowned and looked at him in disbelief. Even Douxie could hear how unconvincing his tone was. He gave Archie a small smile. "Really, I'm fine. Go."
"Just stay here," Archie spread his wings out and took off. Once he was out of sight Douxie let out a shuddering breath and looked around the street. Nobody was in sight, let alone Merlin and Galahad. He was relieved. If he hadn't wanted to be around people before, he most certainly didn't want to see them now.
Still, better to be safe than sorry. Just because there weren't people around didn't mean that they wouldn't show up later. Douxie crouched back down behind the cart and pulled his legs up close to his chest. He wanted to dig his head into his knees, but he knew he probably shouldn't. His familiar trusted him to be okay on his own. If he went and let himself begin to hyperventilate when Archie was gone, the dragon would refuse to ever leave his side again. Douxie had to prove that he could handle being on his own.
Douxie tilted his head back, closed his eyes, and thought about nothing but breathing. He didn't think about Merlin, or Camelot, or his magic. Inhale, exhale, that was all that mattered right now.
Time seemed to pass slowly and almost instantly all at once. After what felt like both forever and no time at all Douxie heard the familiar flapping of wings. He relaxed and let a small smile slip onto his face. His familiar was back. Douxie stood up and turned towards Archie, but yelped and froze in a slight panic when he saw Morgana standing there.
"Douxie," Morgana closed the distance between them and embraced him. Douxie stood frozen and just looked at Archie in alarm and slight betrayal.
"You...you told her?" Douxie had spent several minutes trying to calm his breathing, but it sped up again in an instant. His hard work came undone in just a moment and he could feel himself beginning to panic again.
"It's alright," Morgana pulled away from Douxie. She pulled back from him and bent slightly so she was at eye level with him. "I'm not going to force you to stay here. In fact, I want to help you."
"You...what?" Douxie frowned.
"I thought that Archie would need some help bringing your things to you." Morgana gave him a small smile and took a large satchel off of her shoulder. She handed it to him. Douxie took the large satchel almost numbly. It was heavy and completely full. He didn't have to look inside to know that there was more in there than just his food and potion ingredients.
"Why are you helping me?" Douxie asked. He would have thought that Morgana, at least, would fight to make him stay, and yet it seemed like she wanted him to leave, otherwise she wouldn't be helping him with this. "Do you not want me here?"
"Of course I want you here," Morgana put her hands on Douxie's shoulders. "But I understand better than anybody how strict a master Merlin is. I can't tell you how many times I nearly quit, and I assure you that Merlin almost gave up on me much more than that." She gave his shoulders a gentle squeeze. "Honestly, I don't think that Merlin is a good teacher for you." Douxie flinched slightly. If both Merlin and Morgana said that, then it was probably true, but it hurt. Merlin was the best wizard in the land. If he couldn't teach Douxie magic, what hope did he have with anybody else?
"I don't know what I'm supposed to do," Douxie admitted. Archie approached him slowly, almost cautiously, clearly worried that Douxie was mad at him. Douxie gave Archie a small smile and held a hand out to him. Archie smiled and leaned close to him. "I don't exactly have a plan.
Morgana looked thoughtful for a moment. "Have you considered the Wild Wood?" Douxie's eyes widened in alarm.
"But the Wild Wood is dangerous," Douxie said almost fearfully.
Morgana scoffed slightly. "People only say that because beings of magic live there, but you're a being of magic too. The Wood will recognize and accept you, I promise."
"How do you know?" Douxie asked. He didn't want to run off to the woods only to be attacked by trolls, fairies, or even the woods itself.
Morgana gave him a gentle smile. "Because it accepted me. I spent a lot of time in those woods when I was a child, and I was always safe."
"But what about Queen Guinevere?" Douxie asked. Morgana's smile became sad.
"You'll be safe so long as you don't antagonize the other creatures of the woods," Morgana said. "They may attack if they feel threatened, but humans do the same." She had a point about that. Morgana leaned forward and gently put her lips against Douxie's forehead in a chaste kiss. She brushed his hair out of his face. "I'm sure you and Archie will look out for each other. You'll be just fine."
Douxie took in a deep, shuddering breath. He knew she was right. Even if the Wild Wood didn't work out, Douxie and Archie would be able to find somewhere else to go. They had a lot of experience with improvising and surviving. It may take them some time to adjust after living in the castle for so long, but they would make it work.
Morgana must have seen some hesitancy in Douxie's eyes. She gave him a gentle smile and put her hand on his cheek. Douxie closed his eyes and leaned into her touch. "Don't be afraid of the magic of the woods, Hisirdoux. Remember, you don't choose magic, it chose you, and it chose you for a reason."
Douxie swallowed thickly and gave Morgana an appreciative look. "Thank you...for everything." He clenched tightly at the satchel. "Merlin-"
"I'll talk to him," Morgana said. "You don't have to worry about that old wizard anymore."
Douxie nodded. He didn't know if he was relieved about that or disappointed. Part of him wanted to talk to Merlin himself, because it felt wrong to just leave like this, especially since he didn't know for certain that his master would make him leave at all, but he was too afraid to take the chance. He didn't want to get hurt again. So Douxie pushed down his uncertainties. This was probably for the best.
Archie made a sound almost like a whine. He perched himself on Douxie's shoulder and nudged him in a reassuring way. "We'll be just fine."
"I know," Douxie scratched behind Archie's ears. "We should probably go soon." Douxie knew that whether or not Merlin was actually going to give up on having him as an apprentice, he wouldn't be very happy with the boy wandering off in the night to live in the dangerous woods.
"Good luck, you two." Morgana said. She gave him a nod before turning and making her way back to the castle. Douxie sighed deeply, adjusted his grip on the satchel, and began to walk towards the forest. From there they would go on to the Wild Wood, and after that...they would figure it out from there.
A/N: This reference is a little more obscure, because it's just a quote that I was able to find, but I thought it was appropriate.
I feel like I made Morgana too physically affectionate with Douxie, with the hand on his face and the kiss to his forehead, but it felt really natural. And somebody needs to give this poor boy some physical attention, because he looks like he needs all the hugs, and not just from his cat.