This is my favorite chapter so far! I hope you enjoy it.
Darkness had long since fallen when Levi returns to the medical ward. Wanting to avoid Petra's father at all costs, he had waited until he was certain the older man had settled in his guest quarters for the night. As he makes his way past the nurses' station he's stopped by the woman sitting there.
"Sir, visiting hours are over." The nurse says.
"I've spent the last two nights here. Since when are there visiting hours?"
"Since always." The nurse looks at the Captain with an unimpressed stare and eyes the tea thermos and cups in his hands.
"Our patients need to be resting not socializing, sir. I'll have to ask you to come back in the morning."
With a sidelong glance down the hallway towards Petra's door, he grumbles an apology and leaves the way he came. Rather than going back to the barracks, he circles the building until he finds Petra's window and, thankful she's on the first floor, taps the glass.
Petra appears moments later holding a candle, the flame casting her face in an orange glow.
"You're late." She whispers.
"I wanted to make sure you had enough time with your father."
"And you're standing outside because…?"
"Nurse Iron-Fist is strict as shit about visiting hours. Come on." He holds out his hand.
"Eh! I'm in my pajamas!" Petra laughs, "I can't go outside like this!"
"So change. I'll wait."
Petra shuts the curtains to do just that and returns five minutes later wearing her button-up shirt, dark pants and a woolen, green sweater, which her father must have brought for her.
Levi takes her hand and helps her climb over the windowsill, his hands on her hips as he guides her to the ground. He knows her body hasn't fully recovered, her muscles still too weak to lift herself up on her own. Once she's steady on her feet, he let's go.
"Where are we going?" She asks, wrapping her sweater tighter around her body.
"You'll see."
They take it slow as they walk across the compound. The night air is crisp and the sky clear enough to see the stars. Petra shivers a bit, and Levi offers her his arm. Her delicate hand wraps around his bicep as she huddles close to him for warmth.
He leads her to the administrative building, the same building she'd visited earlier that day to give Hange her statement. Levi feels Petra freeze up at this realization, but leads her in anyway. Rather than turn left to go to the Commander's office, he leads them up a staircase to the second floor and to a door at the end of a long corridor.
When he opens the door and lights a lantern, he see's realization on her face.
"Your office?" She smiles.
"How could you tell?"
She laughs at that.
"It's immaculate, Levi. There can't possibly be two people in the Scouts with this level of cleanliness."
He rolls his eyes and motions for her to sit as he lights a fire in the fireplace. After a minute of stoking the flames, he turns to see her curled up on the settee with a cup of tea in her hands. The thermos sits on the coffee table between them beside a steaming cup she already poured for him.
Joining her, he sips his tea and relaxes into the comfort of her presence. For a while neither of them speaks, choosing rather to bask in the warmth of the fire and listen to the crackling flames.
"Just like old times." Petra says.
"Different office." Levi replies.
"I thought something had changed…"
He glances sideways at her, but secretly he's pleased she's still able to joke.
"How was talking to your father?" He regrets asking the moment he sees her face dim.
"It was…more difficult than I'd anticipated," she says. "I'm so happy to see him again, but seeing what he's had to deal with…losing a child…I feel so guilty for what I've put him through."
"You didn't do anything. Something was done to you. It's different."
"Is it? I made a choice to be a Scout and go beyond the Walls, and that choice led me here. So it is my fault, isn't it? Not for what happened to me, but for causing him pain."
Petra's eyes focus on the fire. Levi hears her tone slipping into something like melancholy. He sets his teacup on the coffee table then rests his arms on his knees, eyes focused downward.
"Maybe," he says. "One of the many burdens that comes with being a Scout is knowing that your family, if you have one, will always be worried for you and that they'll mourn you far earlier than they should have to. It's the reality of this job."
"I know that. I do. It's just…I thought that when I died I wouldn't ever see the aftermath. I thought my father's pain wouldn't be able to touch me. It was selfish of me to think that way."
Levi says nothing as he refills her teacup.
"He wants to take me home, back to the farm. He left it in the hands of a neighbor before he went traveling. Papa wants me to return with him." Petra says, her voice barely above a whisper.
Levi can't say he didn't expect this.
"When?" He asks, his tone flat.
"As soon as the doctors give the okay. They want to run more tests tomorrow to make sure there's no lasting effects from the serum, but after that…"
"That's good." He says, though his insides feel as though they're turning to stone.
"You…want me to leave?" She sounds hurt, and Levi doesn't have to look at her to know her eyes are starting to water.
"I want you to be safe. You've been through enough, Petra. Maybe recovering from your ordeal at home with your family would be for the best. Somewhere where you're not constantly being reminded of the past."
Petra nods and ducks her head.
Seeing her distress, Levi cups her chin and tilts her face up to look at him.
"It doesn't have to be forever. There will always be a place for you here if you want it." He tells her.
Again, she nods. Her eyes are closed as she leans into his touch.
"I just…I don't want…"
She opens her eyes and meets his gaze. They look gold in this light, blazing and alive.
"I don't want to be apart from you, Levi." Her voice breaks a little as she speaks, "And I know what you said that night on the roof…that this can't happen…but I need you to know that I made up my mind a long time ago to devote myself to you in whatever way you allow me to. Being around you all of these years, you make me…better. You make me want to be stronger. I know you have your demons, and you've done things in the past, but I also know you are the kindest, most giving man I've ever had the fortune to know. I want to be by your side, however you want me. Please, Levi, tell me what you want."
Levi stares back at her, his eyebrows raised in wonder.
Petra refuses to look away.
"I know my saying this has probably made you uncomfortable," she says, "so if you want me to go, I'll go."
Again, Levi says nothing. His brain has sputtered to a stop. What do I say? What do I want?
Another long moment passes in silence. Petra sighs. She begins to pull away.
"Wait." Levi whispers. He reaches for her hand, lacing their fingers together.
Inside, his demons fight against his better angels, but he's long since lost the ability to tell them apart. He doesn't know what to do. Then he remembers his own advice, the same advice he gave to Eren the day they lost the squad.
The only thing you can do is make the choice you'll least regret.
He leans in, brushing his nose against hers as one hand caresses her arm. They meet in the middle, her soft lips press lightly against his. The kiss is chaste and simple, and as he pulls away he finds her eyes. He's overwhelmed by the amount of passion held in her gaze. He'd drown in her eyes if he could.
"I never want you to go." He whispers against her lips.
"I want you here with me, everyday, all the time. I want you in every way a man wants a woman." He kisses her again, harder this time and Petra returns his fervor. She wraps her arms around his neck, pulling him flush against her, her fingers stroking the base of his undercut. The sensation gives him goosebumps.
He hasn't done this before, but he doesn't feel nervous or grossed out like he thought he might. Instead, he feels intoxicated as if he's addicted to her touch, to her body. He trails his hands down her sides then up her back as her lips leave his mouth, taking a detour along his jaw before trailing love bites down his neck.
A small groan escapes his throat. If he lets this go on much longer, he's not sure what he'll do. He brings both his hands to her face and guides her back to his mouth, giving her one long, searing kiss then breaks away just enough to rest his forehead against hers. Petra's fists are balled in his shirt, her breathing ragged and skin flushed, and Levi thinks she's never looked more beautiful.
For a while, they simply hold each other as the fire bathes them in warmth and flickering light. The feel of her, touching and kissing her, has awakened something in him. His skin feels hot; his throat dry, his cock twitches with desire. He's felt lust before in brief moments of his adolescence, but this is different. This is something new.
He wants to kiss her again, explore her body in all the ways he'd wanted to but never allowed himself to think about, but something stops him. He realizes she's shaking.
"Petra?" Levi pulls away just enough to see her face. Sudden guilt racks him as he remembers the doctor's words. Too much too fast. He'd been so caught up in his own pleasure, he'd forgotten.
Her eyes are closed as she takes slow, shaky breaths.
"It's okay. I'm okay." She whispers, opening her eyes to look at him. There's something hidden in her eyes masked by that word. Okay.
Levi kisses her forehead, his lips lingering on her hairline.
"I want this. I do." Petra says as she nuzzles into his neck. He pulls her close to rest against him as he leans back into the couch.
"We'll take it slow." Slow is good for both of them, he thinks.
"I've wanted this for so long, but I keep getting these flashes, memories invading my mind…all I want is to be here with you, but I close my eyes sometimes and I'm back there and it's someone else's hands on me."
Bile rises in his throat. He remembers what Hange told him about what Petra experienced and wonders if she left out some details.
"That's what you had just now? A memory?" He asks.
Petra nods against him.
"Just for a second. I'm sorry. I wish I could just block it out."
"Don't apologize for things you can't control." He says it gently, but it still sounds like a command.
"Yes, sir."
"Petra."
"Levi?"
He sighs, choosing to ignore her use of formalities.
"The visions…they will get better, but it takes time."
"You've had them too?"
He nods, letting his hand run through her silky hair. The motion comforts them both.
"My first expedition was a fucking disaster. We were hit by a freak thunderstorm. No one could see shit, and I was separated from my squad. By the time I found them again an aberrant had already hit them hard. Everyone was dead, including Isabel and Farlan. They were my family…and then they were gone."
He'd talked about Isabel and Farlan before with Petra during their evenings together. He'd told her of some of their exploits from his youth, mostly leaving out the more criminal aspects of the stories. He hadn't told her what happened to them though, until now.
"The first few years after that I'd dream of them and finding what was left of their bodies, even when I was awake. Whenever it rained the memories would flood back to me. It'd be like I was standing in that field again on the worst day of my life."
Petra rubs soothing circles on his chest has he talks, her delicate hand tethering him to the present as he dredges up his past.
"Do you still get the visions?" She asks.
"No, not for many years now. Sometimes I'll have nightmares about it, and I'll never feel comfortable during a storm again, but the memories don't accost me anymore."
"I wish I could have been there for you back then."
"You're here now. And I'm here for you."
"Not for long," Petra grumbles, "not when you're here and I'm on the farm."
"I'll visit you."
"You say that now…"
"Don't make this difficult, woman."
"Sick of me already?"
"Tch." Levi rolls his eyes and squeezes her.
"I'm going to scare him, you know." Petra says quietly, referring to her father. "I'm not the same as he remembers."
"He'll just be glad to have you back."
"What if I have another episode, and I hurt him?" She asks as she runs her finger over the cut on his hand.
Levi hadn't actually thought of that.
"The doctors will prepare him," he reasons. "And if it's too much for him we can bring you to a hospital."
"Like one of those institutions? A mad house?"
"I'd never let you end up there. I'd steal you away before letting that happen."
He feels her smile against his neck.
"And where would we run away to?"
"Wherever you'd want."
"Hm…I never did get to see the ocean. What is it like?"
"Like a lake, but bigger."
She laughs, "Surely it's more interesting than that."
With a long-suffering sigh, Levi launches into a detailed description of his last visit to the coast. He tells her about the beaches, the tides, and the waves. He tells her about the strange, crawling creatures, and the slimy plants that sprout from the ocean floor. He tells her how he'll never be able to get all the sand out of his boots and how the water tastes like salt.
He tells her he'll take her to see it one day, and when the titans are gone and their world is at peace they could live by the water if they wanted to, just the two of them in a cottage by the sea.
By then, he knows she's already fallen asleep, but he tells her anyway. It's a dream he wouldn't normally allow himself to have let alone give voice to, but having Petra back in his life has given him new courage. He can see a future now beyond the present, and it gives him hope.
That night, Levi falls asleep with his woman safely in his arms and a smile on his lips.
Thanks for reading! Reviews are appreciated. :)