She pulled away from him. A hand went to her lips, tracing the edges. She looked at him – eyes wondering what could have possibly possessed him. Then, she found her voice, but it cracked. "I can't do this, not now, not ever. Please…please just leave me be."

And, with that, she shut the door, leaving Richard standing on her front stoop, hat in hand. Damn! He cursed himself. What a fool he had been! How could he reach her? Would those broken pieces inside of her ever mend? He placed his hat back on his head and turned from her doorway, walking quickly back onto the street.

Where were the eyes of the Isobel Crawley he once knew? Where was that strong, self-possessed woman he had come to admire? Had she gone away for good? Had that bit of her died with her son? It seemed almost too much for him to bear.

Richard knew he would disappoint both Lady Grantham and Lady Mary when he returned to the hotel without Mrs. Crawley in tow. He had disappointed himself. What was worse, he had failed her yet again.

…

Isobel had shut the door on Doctor Richard Clarkson. She locked it behind her. Her tongue lightly traced the bottom of her lip. She could still taste him – the scotch, the desire, the bittersweet longing. His kiss had been unexpected. She felt that he had ached for her for some time.

She almost kissed him back – almost felt herself yield to her own petty hunger.

She hated herself for it.

She hated herself for living in the present moment. If she let herself go, let herself surrender to that kiss, to that wanting she felt in her heart, then it meant that she had forgotten him. Forgotten Matthew, forgotten her son, if only briefly. And it was that thought that she could not abide. She could not live with herself. She did not deserve happiness, nor love, not anymore.

But how she wanted to kiss him back, how she wanted to sink into his embrace. Let herself feel every sensation that he stirred within her.

She wanted to, but did not. Could not.

And, at the same time, Isobel knew she was being silly. It was foolish to shut herself off from everyone – to remain entrapped in grief. But, for the time, she could not see or find her way out of it.

She let her tears fall as she slunk down onto a chair in the sitting room. Her chin rested on her hand, and she desperately tried to control her breathing.

If she did not have these feelings, if she did not care so deeply, if she could just let it all go, maybe she could free herself from those dark thoughts. But no, her Matthew was gone, and she could not move on.

One never moves on, though – one learns to live with it over time.

She could not find a way to do that just yet.

…

Doctor Clarkson returned to the hotel. He saw Lady Mary and Lady Grantham in the hotel's restaurant, and they approached him, having finished their spot of tea.

Their faces fell when they did not see Cousin Isobel with him.

"Let's go to the room, shall we?" Lady Grantham announced, heading up the stairs with Lady Mary and Doctor Clarkson following behind her.

Once inside the room, the three situated themselves on chairs in the corner around a small, nondescript table.

"So, you saw her then?" Lady Mary began, looking at Doctor Clarkson.

"Yes," Doctor Clarkson uttered. "And I am afraid that she will not be returning with us." He had a faraway look about him.

Cora took a breath. She worried about Cousin Isobel. There had to be a way to convince her to come home. "What happened?" Cora inquired.

"I told her that we wanted to bring her back to Downton. That we were all here and concerned about her wellbeing. That she could return to work at the village hospital," Doctor Clarkson answered, deciding to withhold a critical piece of information.

"And…" Lady Mary wondered aloud. "What else happened? Did you not reiterate your feelings to her? Did you not tell her about Matthew?" She searched the doctor's face. Lady Mary knew something else must have happened.

Doctor Clarkson sighed. He rubbed a hand across his forehead, feeling rather ridiculous explaining his actions to the ladies sitting before him. "And I kissed her."

Cora smiled. Her eyes held a knowing twinkle to them. "I wondered when you would," she said.

Doctor Clarkson chanced a glance at Lady Grantham, noticing that she looked pleased. His expression, however, was not one of happiness, but of heartache. "Yes," he murmured, "I kissed her, and she shut the door on me. She shut the door on us."

"I'm sorry Doctor Clarkson," Lady Mary supplied, "I'm sorry that Matthew is not here. I'm sorry that you did not confess your feelings when he was still alive, when Isobel still was herself, when all seemed right with the world, before everything fell apart." She seemed exasperated, unable to hide her anger, her frustration, her sense of loss any longer.

Oh Matthew, you see what has happened to us now that you are gone! You see how we have just fallen apart. What can I possibly do to fix this? I'm so sorry that I have let your mother sink this low. So sorry, my darling. It was all Mary could do but to apologize to her late husband.

Doctor Clarkson shrugged his shoulders. "We cannot change what has happened," he declared. "So, how do we move forward?"

Cora thought for a moment. "Well, I'll tell you both one thing, I will not give up on Isobel. We cannot let her sink any lower than she already is. Mary, tomorrow you and I will pay a call on her." Cora eyed Doctor Clarkson, "Isobel knows that we are here. She will be expecting us, even if she does not want us. What is she doing here in Manchester besides visiting her old home, do you know Doctor?"

"Yes, she is working at the hospital where Reginald Crawley was employed," Doctor Clarkson answered, clasping his hands. "At least, she has found something to do to keep her mind occupied."

"Good," Cora mused. "Then, you will go to that hospital. Talk with the physician who employs her. Maybe he can give you some insight. He must know Isobel well since he worked with her late husband," Cora insisted.

"Aye, that he must," Doctor Clarkson responded. "I'll do just that."

…

A day later, Lady Grantham and Lady Mary stood at the front door of the Crawley home in Manchester. They had rung the bell, but it was obvious no one was going to answer.

"She must still be at the hospital," Mary remarked, attempting to see if she could peek inside a window.

"Well, if that's the case, then I intend to wait right here until she returns," Cora responded, crossing her arms. "I wonder when her shift ends."

"I would say it has ended," Mary responded, eyes looking up the road.

"What makes you say that?" Cora asked, wrinkling her nose.

Mary gestured her head towards the woman in black walking down the street, eyes cast downward. "Because there she comes right now."

"Perfect timing then," Cora smiled.

Isobel lifted the latch on the gate to her home, oblivious to the world around her. She was tired after a long day at work, ready to put the kettle on and sink into her chair. She rummaged for her house key in her bag and found it at the bottom.

When she finally glanced up, her eyes met Lady Grantham and Lady Mary. She was not shocked. She knew they would be by sooner or later to attempt to bring her back to Downton.

"I suspected you two would be by here eventually," Isobel muttered, meeting their faces.

"Yes, you are correct. Cousin Isobel, we would like to talk to you. We will not force you into anything. All we want is to talk. You can give us that much, surely," Cora remarked, hoping to be invited inside.

For her part, Mary remained quiet. She took in her mother-in-law's appearance. Her eyes were droopy and failed to capture the light as they once did. Her face marred by grief, and her skin sallow. It was plain that Isobel had not been taking care of herself. She looked worn out, a kind of tired that went beyond bone deep. Mary worried.

"I suppose I cannot simply turn you away," Isobel remarked, pulling out her key and unlocking the door. She gestured for the two other women to enter. "Come inside. We can talk in the sitting room, though I have very little to say."

Mary was interested to inspect Matthew's boyhood home. He always spoke of it with such fondness. The house was full of love and happy memories for her husband. Mary regretted never making the trip up to Manchester to see it when Matthew was still alive. Unfortunately, she dared not ask Cousin Isobel for a tour now, no matter how desperately her heart desired to see it.

Following Isobel into the sitting room, Mary and Cora settled on a small navy sofa that set in the center of the room. Isobel sat ramrod straight on a wingback chair opposite the two. She felt ambushed – afraid of what they might say – afraid of what Doctor Clarkson might have told them.

Cora had thought on how she would speak to Cousin Isobel. Tackling the issue head on seemed too drastic a measure, one in which Isobel would buck against. If Cora and Mary were to have any luck at all, they needed to approach Isobel with extreme caution.

Cora thought small talk may work in her favor. "So, how is the job at the hospital in Manchester?" Cora began, "You must be terribly busy."

"It's fine," Isobel managed. "I like the pace of the work – serves as a distraction." Her lip quivered. Hold it together.

Mary noticed her mother-in-law seemed to be shaking. She did not say anything.

"Well," Cora asserted, "I am glad that you have found something to do. I should have found something after Sybil passed. It could have taken me out of myself for a while, I suppose."

"It doesn't though. I have suffered three miscarriages, the death of my husband, and now the death of my son. The pain does not dissipate," Isobel murmured.

Cora and Mary looked at one another – a stunned expression on their faces. Neither woman was aware that Isobel had miscarriages. They now began to understand just how much Matthew had meant to his mother.

Isobel was growing very tired of maintaining this façade. She decided to be direct. "I know why you and Mary have come today. You both are hoping that you can bring me back to Downton. You, like Doctor Clarkson, think that I need to return to the Abbey. Let me tell you that I have no intention of coming back. Not for quite a while at least."

"Oh, Isobel," Mary could no longer remain silent. "Surely, you do not mean that. Think about little George; he needs his grandmother." She choked back a sob she felt forming at the back of her throat, but a tear escaped her lids. "I need you too. Do we count for so very little?" She searched Isobel's face.

Isobel was struck by Mary's words. She thought about her response. Then, she reached for her daughter-in-law's hands, holding them in her own. "You both count. You both matter a good deal to me. But I'm afraid George would not know who was holding him at this point in his life – whether it was his grandmother or some other old lady, he honestly could not tell. Mary, dear, you deserve better than I. You need someone who can help you with your grief, not someone entrapped by it." Isobel held Mary's hands a bit longer, then released them and looked away. "Just let me go. It's a relatively simple request. I will return eventually, but not now," Isobel whispered.

"But you won't," Mary insisted. "If I let you go now, you won't come back to us. This is not what Matthew would have wanted."

At the mention of her son's name, Isobel gave Mary a sharp look. Luckily enough, Mary had been looking at her hands, fumbling with the bracelet on her wrist, and missed it. Cora saw Isobel's expression.

"Cousin Isobel," Cora began, "I have suffered loss. Not only Sybil, but also a son. If you recall, I miscarried my son – the heir who might have been. I would not have gotten through that pain if it had not been for the love and support of my family. When Sybil died, you invited me for tea. You did your level best to help. I want to repay the favor." Cora took a breath and watched Isobel. The older woman retained a harsh stare on her face. "But it is more than that," Cora insisted, "you are family, and we love you, regardless of what you think."

Isobel softened and blinked back a tear. "Thank you," she uttered, "but I still won't be returning to Downton."

"Does this have anything to do with Doctor Clarkson?" Cora inquired, peering out from under the brim of her hat.

Isobel straightened, her eyes darting nervously around the room. How much do they know? What did he tell them?

"He loves you, you know," Mary supplied, chancing a look at her mother-in-law. When Isobel's gaze settled on Mary upon hearing those words, her daughter-in-law continued. "Matthew always wondered when Doctor Clarkson would actually tell you." Mary smiled.

Isobel's mouth hung open for a moment. She shut it when she realized how ridiculous she must look. "Matthew knew?"

"He did, and he would never want you to be unhappy, Isobel," Mary avowed.

Isobel dabbed at her eyes with her handkerchief. "He never intended to leave me either," Isobel said softly. The statement nearly broke Mary, and she got up from her seat, moving to look out the window. Isobel saw how upset her daughter-in-law had become and muttered an apology. "I'm sorry," she choked.

Isobel patted her knees in frustration.

"Are you angry that he kissed you?" Cora ventured to ask now that the topic was out in the open.

"I refuse to talk about this subject," Isobel declared. She was beginning to shut down. "It is no one else's business but my own."

"Very well." Cora knew that she could push no longer.

Mary inhaled, hugging her arms to herself. She would try one final time. "Will you not come back to Downton with us? Please…"

"No, I won't. I am sorry, but no." Isobel rose from her chair to see Cora and Mary out the door.

"Goodbye Cousin Isobel," Cora took her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. "We will miss you."

"Doctor Clarkson certainly will," Mary supplied. "I will too. Downton needs you, more than you realize."

"Downton will get along fine without me," Isobel answered, placing a tender hand on Mary's cheek. "Now, you both best be off." She watched the two walk silently down the path leading away from her home and then shut the door.

…

While Lady Grantham and Lady Mary were busy confronting Isobel, Doctor Richard Clarkson went to meet the head physician at the Manchester Hospital – Doctor Michael Todd. Doctor Todd had long been a friend to Reginald and Isobel Crawley and knew the couple's history.

He was glad to see Nurse Crawley return to work at the hospital, but he feared for one of his oldest friends. Matthew's death had been a shock to all who had known him. Doctor Todd could not believe the news when he received it. Matthew was Reginald's and Isobel's miracle – their one child who survived. He knew the loss would shake Isobel to her core.

He was not wrong.

From the day she set foot back in Manchester, Isobel was not herself. Even though her work did not suffer and she maintained a pleasant demeanor with her patients, she was suffering. Grief seemed to have taken ahold of her, sinking her, bringing her low. Isobel's anguish haunted her every step. Doctor Todd could see it, and he did not like it.

Doctor Todd was in his office when a nurse rapped on his door. "Doctor Todd, a Doctor Richard Clarkson here to see you."

"Hmm? Very well, show him in," Doctor Todd answered, standing when the other physician walked through the door. "Doctor Clarkson, I don't think we have ever met. What can I do for you?" Doctor Todd shook his hand, grasping it firmly.

"No," Doctor Clarkson admitted, "we have not met. I work at the village hospital in Downton. Nurse Isobel Crawley used to be in my employ. I have come to discuss…well…frankly her wellbeing." Doctor Clarkson sat on the chair on the other side of the desk. "I'm sure you are aware of Mr. Matthew's death."

"Yes, awful business that. Nurse Crawley has been shattered by it," Doctor Todd affirmed, placing his glasses on his face to get a proper look at Doctor Clarkson. He continued, "she has been working here, and, mind you, her quality of care has never diminished…but…I find her personally much changed."

Michael regarded Doctor Clarkson for a moment, remembering that Nurse Crawley mentioned him a few times in her letters. She and Michael had remained friends, and she corresponded with him at least once a month. He seems to care for her more than as an employer, Doctor Todd thought. He could sense it. He must, if he has followed her to Manchester.

"Yes, she is not the same person I have come to know," Doctor Clarkson said gravely. "Her family and I came to Manchester hoping to bring her back to Downton. She refused."

"I'm not surprised. Isobel is so very stubborn. She likes to think she can manage the world alone," Doctor Todd remarked. "Doctor Clarkson?"

"Yes?"

"I wonder how much Nurse Crawley has told you of her past?" Doctor Todd studied the man before he chose to divulge this information.

"I know she had a very happy marriage with Reginald, and she looks on her time in Manchester as a good one," Doctor Clarkson supplied, looking up from studying his hands. He wondered what the other physician was trying to tell him.

"They did. She and Reggie were very much in love, but it was not always bliss. Isobel suffered three miscarriages. She had many complications when Matthew was born, and they were very lucky that he survived." Doctor Todd took a breath.

Doctor Clarkson looked very grim. He now realized just how much Matthew's passing had affected her. Isobel, how could I have known? What can I do?

"Isobel blamed herself for losing those little ones. She shut down afterwards. Without Reginald, I do not know what she would have done. I still don't think she has forgiven herself. And then, a miracle. Matthew came along, and she was finally the mother she always wanted to be. And to lose him now, I think she has lost herself," Doctor Todd explained Isobel's history, trying to maintain control over his emotions. Isobel was a dear friend; he promised Reggie that he would watch after her. He hoped telling this Doctor Richard Clarkson would help matters. After all, the Scot looks like he cares for her deeply…. Perhaps, he even loves her, Michael thought.

"I have feared as much," Doctor Clarkson admitted. "You see, Doctor Todd, I love her. Purely and honestly. I want to help her if I can, if she would let me. But she won't. She seems to have shut down." Doctor Clarkson sighed, fumbling with his hands.

"I'll give you my advice, Doctor Clarkson, and it is simple. Don't give up on her. You seem like a good man, and she needs someone to support her. Please, whatever you do, don't give up on her. Even if she stays in Manchester, try to reach her, find some way to lead her out." Doctor Todd glanced at Doctor Clarkson who seemed to be absorbing this information. "I will do what I can here," Doctor Todd added.

"I will try my best," Doctor Clarkson replied. "The one thing I do know is that I will never give up on her. She is worth everything to me." He moved to exit the room, tipping his cap as he walked out of the office.

…

The next day, Lady Grantham, Lady Mary, and Doctor Clarkson found themselves on the train heading back to Downton sans Isobel. She remained in Manchester. The three, however, determined that would not be for too long. Another more forceful master would have to enter the ring and bring Mrs. Crawley home, even if it meant dragging her kicking and screaming all the way.

The Dowager never minded a challenge.

Note: Reviews remain forever appreciated. Let me know what you think. I know this story is angsty, but I feel I needed to capture it somehow. Please let me know your thoughts.