Disclaimer: I own nothing
AN: Thank you for the encouragement and reviews. I have written and re-written this chapter about three times, and also am back to work, so as I have mentioned, slower updates. Please, read, review, enjoy.

Chapter Nine

December 31, 2012

Rory was pacing. She was pacing the enormous hotel suite they were staying in. It was the penthouse at the Fairmont in San Francisco where the Richard Huntzberger Foundation gala was being hosted. They had needed the enormous suite because they needed three bedrooms. Rory shook her head. They needed three bedrooms because despite the months that had passed since her accident, she still couldn't remember, and it wasn't until the last minute that they decided not to bring Mia with them. Rory and Logan had arrived the day before, and would be flying home on January 2. Her mother had come but Luke couldn't get away, her father was arriving at some point that day and her Grandparents had flown in with her mom. Rory and Logan had flown in with their friends. Finn, Colin, Steph, Rosemary, Juliet, Honor and Josh had gone with them, and while Rory certainly didn't know what they were talking about, she enjoyed their company, she could see why they were all friends. There was a certain sense of camaraderie they enjoyed that Rory imagined Logan didn't get to enjoy with many people in his life, certainly not his childhood.

She had feelings for Logan, she would by lying to say that she didn't. She found him intellectually stimulating. He was beautiful. He was kind. Logan was the perfect man. But there was no larger elephant in a room than living with a man who was head over heels in love with you while you were just trying to figure out your own feelings for him. He was a man nearing thirty who knew exactly what he wanted in life, and she felt like a teenager who had just started dating her first boyfriend for the second time. Logan wasn't running around with proclamations of love at every turn, but she could see it. The hope when she said something that seemed like she might be remembering, the sadness and disappointment when he realized it was just a slip of the tongue. The doctor had told her that it was actually a good sign, that her memories weren't gone, they were just locked in her brain and trying to get out slowly. Rory was exhausted. The dance, the back and forth, the up and down…it was exhausting.

"Ace?" Logan's voice brought her out of her trance, "your hair and makeup people are here. You decent?"

Rory walked out of the master bedroom where she and Logan had gone out of their way to make it appear that they were sleeping together for the sake of the people who were working on them that evening. It was just before five in the evening when the glam squad as Honor, Steph and Juliet had called it arrived, they had two hours until they needed to be downstairs and Rory wasn't completely sure what would take two hours, but she had agreed when the girls had suggested it. "Of course I am," Rory smiled. She was wearing her jewelry already, her engagement ring and wedding band on her left finger, a necklace that her Grandmother had insisted she wear, "oh Rory, please, let me do this. It is a beautiful Harry Winston piece your Grandfather gave me, and I am much too old to be wearing something….you must wear it…" Emily had been correct of course, the necklace was beautiful, almost 20 carats of diamonds of all sizes fell around her neck. She had decided that her hair would be down and loose, it was how she felt most comfortable, most normal, and she hadn't even seen the dress she would be wearing. She had been measured, and an assortment of dresses were being brought over for her to decide on from a personal shopper at Bergdorf Goodman. She had assured the hair and makeup team that it would be a black dress, and that she would want her hair down no matter what. "Hi, I'm Rory," she smiled as six people entered the room, "are…are the other girls coming up here?" she was confused now, why on earth would she need so many people?

"No honey, we're all here for you. Hi, I'm Megan. I'm the nail girl and this is Gabriel, he is your hairstylist," the young woman, Megan was beginning to point from person to person, "and then Ashley over here is the hair assistant, Allison is my nail assistant, Michael is the makeup artist and…" she paused and looked around, "oh, there…Susan is the makeup assistant."

"You guys all have assistants?"

"Same team as last year," Megan smiled.

Rory nodded, yes, another subtle reminder that she didn't remember what was normal for this night. "Well, you have your work cut out for you tonight," she was being self deprecating because she felt uncomfortable.

"I'm going to go," Logan entered the room still dressed in jeans, "have a drink with Josh and then I'll be up to change in an hour, we can go over things?"

"Sounds good," Rory smiled and he kissed her gently, his eyes closed as he brushed her lips ever so lightly. "I'll be pretty when you come back," she smiled.

"You are stunning right now." Logan looked at her for a moment and smiled, "I told Mia we would sneak away and call her before bedtime," he added. Mia was in Newport with Anna, and her cousins Grace and Ivy had joined as well with their nanny. Logan and Rory had decided that it wasn't worth dealing with the time change for Mia on such a short trip, they would only be gone 3 nights.

"You two are gross," Megan, the nail girl smiled, "you were just as gross last year. We talked about it after."

Rory smiled as she sat down, immediately they descended upon her and began peppering her with questions about her look, what she wanted, was she sure that was what she wanted? By the time an hour had passed, Rory was relieved to see in the mirror that she still looked like herself, much to the dismay of the team of professionals working on her. The only point that she had conceded on was to have a brighter shade of lipstick. Michael had told her that if she was wearing black, she needed a red lipstick or she would look sad, and she didn't want to look sad if she expected people to open their wallets tonight. She needed to look like she was a good time, his words…not hers.

"We'll be back up here around 8 if you need touchups, just come up, or text one of us and we can come back down," Michael told her. "You can get yourself dressed?"

"I've been doing it for a while," Rory assured him awkwardly. They all left and Rory was now alone with a rack of gowns. She had never felt so out of place in her life…except, she thought, maybe that time her Grandparents threw her a ridiculous party while she was at Yale. Rory however saw the dress she wanted and pulled it off the rack immediately. It was stunning, a black, crystal embellished Givenchy strapless gown and Rory saw that it had been paired with a pair of black Manolo Blahnik crystal embellished pumps. Rory took herself back into the bedroom and slipped the dress on, she would just need Logan to assist her with the final pull of the zipper.

"Hey," Logan smiled as he returned and saw Rory fully dressed, "you look…wow."

"Can you?" she turned to show the last inch of zipper that needed to be pulled up.

"I'm sure we paid someone to do this tonight," Logan smiled as he closed the gap between them and happily obliged, his fingers lingering ever so delicately on her back. "Seriously though, Rory…you look beautiful."

Rory blushed, "well, something tells me that the bajillion dollars this look cost, I should look good."

"The look was free," Logan countered, "you are good publicity for them."

"Does my mom know that? She would send them a bill…"

Logan smiled, she was probably right. "I'm going to…" he nodded to the closet where his tuxedo was hung. "Did you read through the speech again?"

The speech. Rory swallowed the lump in her throat, "I did…"

"And? Any thoughts? Changes…anything you don't think you can keep up with for the sake of tonight? The plan is pretty simple, we'll just make sure you are with someone who can dodge you away if we get into unknown territory for your memory…"

Yes, the plan, Rory thought. "I just…Logan…"

He came out of the closet with his black pants on and his shirt partially done up, his bowtie hung loosely around his neck. "What is it?"

"I can't."

"You can't?"

"I can't do the speech," Rory told him firmly. "Everything else…the mingling…all of it…I can do. But I can't give a speech that is supposed to be about a child I don't remember." Rory was trying not to cry. She couldn't cry, if for no reason other than the makeup people had told her not to cry. She didn't even know why she was crying. Maybe it was that she felt like she was willingly breaking the heart of a man who loved her. She could see it. The look on his face as she spoke.

"Ace, I need you to give the speech. Please, we have this planned."

"Logan, I can't. I'm sorry. I wish I could…"

He was staring at the mirror now, so focused on his buttons and his tie that Rory thought she could see a vein popping out on the side of his head. He waited a moment and exhaled before he continued dressing himself. He had to go, he had to make sure everything was good before guests started to arrive. "I have been patient," he told her, his words were firm, they were harsh, but he wasn't yelling. "I haven't forced you to do anything you didn't want to do through all of this. I encouraged you to talk to the man you slept with while we were married…"

"Logan," she interrupted.

"No," he shook his head, "I need this from you…if you can't do this yourself. Do it for me, I am asking you to do it for me. If there is any world where you feel anything for me, I am begging you to just say your fucking lines on a sheet of paper."

And then he was gone.

Rory was confident he hadn't even put on his cufflinks, but he grabbed his jacket and stormed out. His phone was on the bed, he was just gone. Well, he wasn't really gone, she knew where he was going, but she couldn't. She couldn't bring herself to run after him. Why did he need this so much? Didn't he know how much it would hurt her, that she would feel like a complete and utter fraud. Rory shook her head and sat down on the edge of the bed with her head in her hands. It felt like minutes that she sat there. Going over every tiny detail of their life since she had woken up. He was right. He hadn't asked her for anything when it came to him. The only request that he had made of her was that for Mia's sake, she try. Loving Mia had come to her easily, and feeling safe with Logan and come just as easy…but was feeling safe enough?

xxx

Logan was pacing downstairs, he was in a somewhat empty ballroom. The place would be holding just over seven hundred people plus staff in less than an hour and here he was, pounding back his second scotch after storming out of his and Rory's suite.

"Logan," Honor paused when she saw her brother, "what happened?"

"I just…I can't, Hon. I can't. She is so fucking selfish that she can't see beyond herself for five fucking minutes to say some stuff. I'm not asking her to cry on demand, I'm not asking her to do a cartwheel on stage. I'm asking for her to stand beside me and talk for a moment about the fact that we had a son, and that raising money for this cause is important to us."

"She said no?" Honor spoke softly.

He nodded, his shoulders visible sunk down and he exhaled, "I can't keep fighting for this."

"Today is a hard day," Honor countered, her hands went to his shoulders and squeezed tightly, her hair was pulled up in a an enormous bun, Logan was confident she didn't have that much hair, but he supposed that is what extensions were for. Growing up around Honor and her friends had been a constant education in the latest beauty trends.

"For me too Honor. It's my wedding anniversary, and my wife won't even look at me…she sure as hell won't do something for me."

"Is this…" Honor took a deep breath, she had been thinking about this since she had seen Logan in October, "is this because she doesn't remember, or is it because she saw Tristan?"

His eyes immediately darted up, "Tristan is an old friend."

Honor sighed, "Logan, honey…I know."

"You don't know what you're talking about," he shook his head. No, he thought to himself. This couldn't be happening. Not today. Not after four painstaking years of keeping this secret.

"She told me."

"Rory told you?" Logan couldn't believe it. Rory had told his sister. He had protected her for these last few months, and she had told.

Honor nodded, "the summer after it happened…she…she wanted me to know so that if I ever thought you were drowning, if I ever thought you needed someone to make sure you got on the lifeboat too, I would have all the facts. She said that you refused to talk about it with her, and she wanted you to have somewhere safe."

"So what, you've just been sitting on this? For years? Who else knows? Did you tell Mom or Dad?"

Honor gave him a look, as if to say, really, you know me better than that. "Of course I haven't told anyone, much less them. I just…Logan, what are you upset about?"

"I don't know what more I can do," he admitted quietly. "I told her everything, no matter how much it hurt. She wanted to see him, I told her to go. Every time she wanted to see her Mom, I supported it, no matter how impractical it was. We skipped Thanksgiving, we did Christmas with her family…and she can't even do this one thing for me. I forgave her back then, I moved past it, and I'm sure right now it probably doesn't look like I have moved past it, but I have. I can't catch a fucking break. My son is dead, my wife cheated on me, and now, my wife doesn't even know who I am…but the real joke is that I still love her so god damned much it hurts!"

Honor stood up straight and take a deep breath in, "tomorrow baby brother. We will deal with all of this mess tomorrow, tonight…tonight is about your son. We will get through this, whether she comes down or not, we will get through this. Do you understand me?"

He nodded his head, "you look great, by the way."

"Thank you," Honor smiled, "it's Akris."

Logan laughed, they both knew he didn't know who that was but he could assume that it was expensive and that it had been created to her exact measurements. It was similar, but different from what Rory was wearing. Still black and strapless but it had a bit more structure to it. That was what the family had decided. They would all compliment each other…it was simple enough for the men, they just wore tuxedos, but for the women it always turned into a bigger job which is why Rory, Honor, Shira, Lorelai and Emily all received a rack from which to choose which would guarantee that they all complimented each other. The irony of Emily Gilmore and his mother wearing complimentary clothing was never lost on him. "Do you think I'm being an asshole?"

Honor shook her head, "no, I think you are tired of being treated like you don't matter. You do matter Logan."

xxx

Rory was still sitting in the suite. The event was starting, guests were arriving, cheques would start being written soon, and she was sitting in her hotel room. She had ignored calls from her mother and grandmother, and once when one of the event coordinators had run into the room, she had thought maybe it was Logan, maybe he was coming back to ask her again, but instead, the young man was just looking for his phone for him. Rory went to the balcony overlooking the bay, it was stunning but the wind made it feel colder than she had expected. She closed her eyes tightly and tried to take deep, calming breaths.

See the man who's won your heart. Make sure he's good enough. Let's go, boys!

Rory shook her head and tried to recall the image that had just flashed into her mind. Dean. Logan…Yale. That was it. The party her grandparents had hosted during her rekindled relationship with Dean, an effort to introduce them to more eligible men at Yale. Logan had saved her from countless introductions that night. Her eyes closed again for a moment as her hands went to the railing of the balcony.

Your place. My place. Let's take a train to New York, spend the night in The Plaza

Rory could see it. He was kissing her in the corner of Finn's birthday party, she had attended with Robert and Logan had experienced jealousy for what might have been the first time in his life. For the first time since she woke up to beeping in a hospital room, she could see it, them. She could feel his lips on hers, she could remember it. The feeling in her stomach that had told her all along that this was a man she could trust…it was now a feeling telling her that he was home.

Tell me not to get on that plane. Tell me to blow off my father, the paper, the whole Huntzberger destiny. Just tell me I can figure something else out. Just tell me not to go.

With her eyes closed, she could see it, his lips were on hers, quickly, softly. Rory shook her head, shoes. Where were her shoes? she had kicked them off at some point since Logan had left…after the coordinator had come in….she had kicked them off…in the bedroom. Rory moved as quickly as she could to find the black pumps and slipped them on her feet. She didn't have a purse, she didn't have her phone, she didn't have a key to the room. She would figure it all out later. She had to get down there. She had to go. She had to see him.

You amaze me Rory Gilmore, every day, and everything that you do, everything that you are -

Rory was in the elevator now, she could feel her stomach in her chest as she made her way to the ballroom and she saw him from a distance. She could see him for the first time in months. He looked defeated. Other people would say he was handsome, which he was, or that he was charming, which he also was, but the way he smiled…it wasn't real, not as she looked at him right now. No, this was his society smile, the one he used when he was trying to keep his parents happy.

We're having a baby? An actual baby? Jesus Ace, Finn didn't put you up to this, did he?

She walked away from the main entrance where she could see him and instead found the tech room, "I need a microphone," she told one of the men in the room, "my name is Rory Huntzberger, and I need a microphone, I'm supposed to be up there with my husband, I just…I was having some…I am late!"

She could hear him speaking, he apologized that she wasn't there and blamed a call with their daughter back home, and then, people were laughing, he was telling a joke, thanking them for giving up their New Years Eve to attend and reminding them to be generous, what a great cause it was. "Most of you know that my wife and I lost our son over four years ago now," he paused, "so this is such an important cause to us, and we really appreciate you taking the time out of your day, the holidays…"

Rory returned her attention to the tech man who had handed her a microphone. She waited a moment, listening to Logan speak and then she started walking towards him. Her hands were shaking as she held on to the microphone with her left hand, her diamonds sparkling as she walked. "I'm so sorry I'm late," Rory stopped as she got to Logan. His smile changed, it had gone from being his society smile to his smile.

"I'm sure everyone is much happier to see you up here than to look at me in this tux," Logan kissed her on the cheek and there was a small burst of laughter in the room.

"As my husband was saying," Rory spoke softly, her eyes sparkled a little bit while she looked at Logan, "this is such an important cause. When my water broke, I was barely twenty two weeks pregnant with Richard, and to say that I was terrified would be an understatement. So we found ourselves at Stanford Children's Hospital and well…you all know what our outcome was," there were tears in her eyes as she spoke, "but the care we received, the love and kindness of the staff it was something I will never forget." Rory was speaking poignantly and she paused again for a moment, "so I just…we have some amazing people here tonight who will share stories, but I ask you all to please consider donating to this incredibly worthy cause. Logan and I, we were so fortunate to have this amazing team helping us, and to be able to raise money to support research, education, new technology, new facilities at hospitals, anything we can do that will avoid another family suffering the pain we have gone through, I really believe we need to do. It is our hope that we can honour our son and his short life in the way that he deserves by helping to fund these initiatives."

Logan was listening to her, and glancing at the paper on the podium. This wasn't on the paper. This wasn't the speech they were supposed to give. Maybe she had just made something up, something that she had decided she was comfortable with. Or maybe…Logan stopped his thoughts before he got too far into them, he couldn't go down that path, not again. "I told you guys that you would rather listen to her than me," Logan smiled as Rory reached for his hand and their fingers found themselves entwined. "We really appreciate everyone, enjoy the night. Drinks, dancing, the auction. Happy New Year."

Rory squeezed his hand as they made their way away from the podium. Rather than leading her to their table where his sister and Josh, his parents, Emily, Richard, Lorelai and Christopher were waiting, he kept walking until they were in the hall and making their way into a private suite that was a dedicated space for the team that evening. Logan locked the door and dropped her hand, he paused to look at her. "You came."

"I'm sorry," Rory told him, "I'm so sorry."

"It's ok," Logan assured her, "thank you for coming down."

"Logan," Rory paused and put his hand on his cheek, her thumb gently stroking his cheek, he closed his eyes for a minute and leaned in ever so slightly.

"We need to get back out there."

"Why did you bring me in here?" Rory gestured to the suite they were standing in. It had a stocked mini fridge, a selection of food, a couch.

"I just…I needed to say thank you, without all of those people."

Rory moved her hand from his cheeks and gently down his arm until their fingers were once again laced together, "do you know what this reminds me of?" she asked softly with a smile. Logan shook his head in response, "my grandparents vow renewal."

"Your-" he paused before a smile broke out on his face, "it does, does it?"

Rory nodded and her smile grew almost enough to match his. She loved when his smile was like this, she also knew that it was a smile reserved for the people he loved. "All we would need is a bottle of champagne and my parents busting in."

"I never told you about the champagne."

"You didn't?" Rory played along for a minute.

"Are you…" Logan couldn't get a full sentence out before her lips met his. They stayed for a moment, reacquainting themselves with each other. His hands roamed her sides and settled on her hips as hers made their way to the hair at the back of his neck. "God Rory," he breathed as he pulled away and leaned his forehead against hers.

"I remember," she whispered. "All of it…the perfect, the wonderful, and then the bad, the really bad…"

"Do you…Mia?"

Rory didn't think she could smile any more when Logan brought their daughter up, "of course I remember Mia," she assured him, "I remember her, I remember us…I feel so stupid. How…how could I just forget how is that even possible?"

"A brain injury, Ror."

"Still…you would think that of all people, I would have kept my brain healthy. I mean…the books, I love books, maybe the coffee wasn't much help in the situation, but I would think my love of books should have outdone any detriment done by my love of coffee."

"I love you."

"I love you too," Rory didn't want to move, she wanted to just stand in his arms for the rest of the night, "happy anniversary," she added quietly.

"Happy anniversary," Logan smiled. He hadn't said it to her earlier, not that he didn't want to, but again, the rejection…the sadness in her eyes. He couldn't handle it.

"We should…" Rory looked to the door.

He shook his head in response and moved them purposefully back to the couch where he unceremoniously pulled her onto his lap, "just a few minutes," he kissed the top of her head and wrapped his arms snuggly around her body, "I just…I need a few minutes."

Rory nodded her head, snuggling as closely to his body as she could, her hands lingered, one on his chest, the other on his cheek, "my hair is going to be a mess."

"So?" Logan laughed and gave her another squeeze.

"Are you alright?" Rory asked him softly. They couldn't get into it yet, all that had gone on in the past couple of months. They would need to, she knew that, but today was their anniversary, it was the night that they were supposed to be raising money for a good cause. They could have it out in a few days when the dust had settled, after they had enjoyed each other, once Mia had gotten to see her parents as themselves again for the first time in a long time.

"I'm tired," Logan exhaled, "I feel like I have been treading water since September, and that when you woke up in October, someone tied bricks to my ankles to make me keep going."

"Well those people sound mean," Rory tried to joke, "I'm here," she whispered as she kissed him once more.

"Who the hell locked this door?" Finn's Australian accent boomed, "what the hell?" he opened the door with the master key he had gotten specifically for the event and smiled, "well…I…carry on then…"

"What do you need Finn?" Rory laughed as she untangled herself from Logan's arms and stood up.

"Well, you see love, two of my friends are hosting a benefit, and I can't find either of them, but now here I find you two engaging in some heavy petting in a coat closet."

"It isn't a coat closet, Finn," Logan rolled his eyes, "sorry, we just needed a minute."

"Looks like you could benefit from a moment more," Finn smirked, "you're both rather dressed to be locked in a room."

"We're coming, Finn," Rory walked over and pulled him into a close hug, "I've missed you."

"Doll, I've been here all day, we had dinner last night," Finn held her tightly, "you didn't forget again, did you?" He paused again before he realized what she was saying, she missed him, she knew they had dinner, but today…it was a different, "oh love," Finn smiled as he continued to hold her, "we have missed you too."

Rory exhaled as Finn released her from his arms and he gave Logan a hug, mumbling something in his ear, "I don't…I don't want to make a big deal about this right now, alright?"

"You need to tell your Mom," Logan told her firmly as he put his hand on the small of her back and the three walked out of the room, back into the sea of people, most of whom wanted to talk to Rory and Logan.

They were stopped by a woman with golden hair wearing a deep burgundy gown. "You look beautiful today, and walking so well after your accident. Josh told me you were in a cast?"

"Oh Mrs. Archibald," Rory smiled, this was Josh's mother and Rory found the woman to be lovely, but only in small doses, "yes, the cast was quite the experience, but everything is all healed now. I'm so glad you could make it, is Mr. Archibald around here anywhere? I must thank him for his generous contribution this year."

"Oh it is our pleasure, such a wonderful thing you two do…to give back after such a loss."

Rory and Logan smiled and excused themselves while looking for Lorelai. "You know, I think she has said that to us for the last two years…"

"It's strange, she isn't like my Mom where she is actually just a vindictive sociopath- " Logan began.

"Logan!" Rory slapped playfully at his chest, her hand lingering for a moment as he looked at her with a grin.

"I just mean, I don't think she knows how rude she is being, or inconsiderate…I think she thinks she is being nice."

"She raised Josh, Josh is nice. We like Josh."

"We do like Josh," Logan agreed, "you know who I like more than Josh though?" Rory smiled as he spoke, "my wife…and I really like my wife when she looks at me like she knows she is my wife."

"Well, be careful mister, if you piss me off, maybe I'll pretend to forget again," Rory kissed him quickly as they stopped in front of her parents. "Mom, you look gorgeous!"

"You think?" Lorelai twirled so that Rory could see her outfit, "I feel kind of like a disco ball threw up on me."

"Well, a blue one of course, because the sequins are navy."

"Yes, sorry, a blue disco ball threw up on me."

"You look beautiful, Lorelai."

"You are my favourite son in law!"

"Mine too," Christopher added, "you kids having fun?"

"We are," Rory smiled broadly and looked at her husband, "but you know what I was just thinking about?"

"The best way to escape this type of thing?" Lorelai deadpanned.

"How much better Emily Gilmore's apple tarts are?"

"I was thinking about Grandma and Grandpa's vow renewal…"