Chapter 9

It was a cold night. The sounds of the mansion have eased and the sounds of the maids working have completely ended, the only thing that could be heard was the rough winds, and the howling of the wolves.

I was hunched over, my face peering through the darkness as I ran my hand throughout everything in my bag. The credits, the toolkit, and my lightsaber were still in there. I had to check, to make sure that one maid…Rem did not do anything with it.

I reached for the candlestick that held a small but strong flame, I gently blew into it, causing the slight embers to fly around but the fire grew a little bit bigger.

My hand went towards my lightsaber as I closed my eye. I reached out…feeling the screws loosen, the metal slowly being pierced away, and the intricate wires being softly removed.

Having my lightsaber at my side, now more than ever calmed me down. After that whole experience with Emilia and Puck, I ran away and locked myself in my room. Nobody bothered me thankfully, but I do regret leaving them like that.

I was ashamed to lash out at the pair, Puck was only trying to help and just made an honest mistake. Who knew that I was going to go through that again?

Though I was ashamed I knew that what I was looking for was not here, I have reconnected to the force, but I could only still feel it like a distant echo. Just like Puck said my trauma impacted not only my ability with magic, but also the force.

Sure, I could feel again and use certain abilities. But there is something missing, maybe it was because of how drastic I ripped myself from the connection.

Though even then I should not be feeling like this…like I was not whole anymore. Like a wound…or an echo, it breaches the surface, but I cannot detect the location or the cause.

I softly opened my eye; the lightsaber parts were hovering in the air. I noticed the way the moonlight hit the lens of the saber, causing the beautiful pale light to spread everywhere around the room.

It was pretty, even the metal looked graceful as the light touched it. I reclosed my eye and centered myself, I could faintly hear the grinding of the screws latch onto and connect the saber pieces to the other.

I stuck both of my hands out, feeling the smoothness of the metal calmed me as I opened my eye again. I do not know what I am expecting, for my lightsaber to spring to life. That old and familiar blue blade to light up this dark room.

No, the crystal is destroyed, what is the point of even having this saber anymore…

"Build a new one"

The woman's voice echoed throughout my head, rather echoed from my whole body. I gripped my heart feeling a strange pain swirl around from inside of me, it was different from the past panic attacks.

It was like a soft and gentle hand grasped my heart; I could feel my eye open wildly as I began to stare around the whole room. It felt like an actual hand…but as quickly as it was there, it was gone a second later.

I collapsed to my knees as I lightly patted my chest. For a second, I thought that I was going to have a heart attack, but it was just gone.

This place. No, this world…there is something strange, or rather evil. A completely different world, magic, and Revan!

I had to leave as soon as possible before something crazy happens to me. Being in a place for too long was not a good thing, getting attached to people was not a good thing.

I grabbed my satchel and wrapped it around myself. The strap was comfortable along my shoulder, Rem might want to kill me, but she is good with repairing things.

My hand was outstretched as I pulled open the door. I peered my head outside of the room, only hearing the distant sounds of the forest. Though I appeared to be alone in this strange place, I knew that I had to be on guard.

I left my room, god I did not even leave a note. A part of me wanted to go back and write a note but what was I going to do?

How could I write to the girl if she could not understand my writing? Or better yet what was I going to be able to say…sorry Emilia for being a coward and not being able to face you in the morning, but..bye!

My palm went into my face as the thought crossed my mind, that girl was going to one day become queen…. queen! What could someone like me ever offer to someone like that.

Her calming smile resurfaced in my mind. She was truly beautiful; she was even caring enough to get me treated in such a wonderful place. If I stood around and involved myself in her own affairs then I would only slow her down, erode her efforts.

I was a failed Jedi, worse…I was a fallen Jedi that betrayed both the Jedi Order and the Sith. What would I ever be able to offer her…why would a girl like that, ever want to save me?

It took a lot of walking; it was my first day here and I was already leaving. Even after making that deal with Roswell and not getting what was owed to me, I still think that this was for the best.

I opened the door and was greeted by the tough and cold winds. They broke all around me causing my teeth to chatter as I wedged myself through the massive door.

The garden of the estate, and the large pond in the entrance was even more pretty at night. Places like here made me feel so calm, I am going to miss this place.

Why am I getting so attached?

I have only been here for only a day so why? I turned around as I stared once again behind me. I have always been bad at letting go, but I knew that I was unwanted here…that girl if I stuck around was probably going to kill me.

"Thank you, Emilia and Roswell." I murmured

With a slight twist of my hand and a little help from the force. I locked the door behind me, I did not want to leave it unlocked…who knew what could of happen.

But I doubt that anyone of them would be placed in danger. They all looked so strong and capable that I could not help but get a little bit jealous.

Though those thoughts pressed on me, I continued walking down the long dirt path. With no real direction guiding me, but there is something different now.

After the wars I traveled a lot. I went to many planets, and I blended into the crowds. When money was short, I would work as a smuggler or a cook for one of the hutts, but I always had enough to fall back on to head to the next planet.

Before I thought that I was running away from the Jedi, the Sith, and Revan. But now I realize that I wasn't running away from any of them…

…I was running from myself. I couldn't deal with the guilt and the grief in a healthy way, so I joined the Sith and embraced hatred and anger.

The thing about hatred…it is the place where people who can't look sorrow in the eye without wavern run off to.

I blamed the order for not interfering during the war, due to their negligence many Jedi died or turned to the Sith. But the dark side warped my anger into something else, a hatred for what I once stood for…a hatred to destroy those that would try to destroy me and my master.

Hatred is like a sword. You sink the blade into your heart to heal the damages that were caused deep during your past. But it's a sword…and the more you sharpen, the more it rusts over time. Until all that remains is a bunch of rust and scraps.

I was far away from the mansion, but I could still see it. The way the white marble sparkled as the moon touched it, maybe I shouldn't run away.

Maybe I could go back and talk to Emilia…and explain why I left so quickly.

Maybe I could go back and apologize to Puck for my outburst.

Maybe I could tell Roswell thank you for watching out for me.

Maybe I could go and find out more about Rem, maybe I could try and heal whatever issue she has with me.

Maybe here I could serve her, maybe I couldn't do as much as I used to…but I could be her sword during this strange time.

"Monster."

There voices echoed throughout my body, all the Jedi, Sith, and mandalorians that I have slayed were etched along my body in scars from past wars.

"Isaac help me!" Ran screamed as his body was consumed by flames

His voice and the smell of searing flesh felt so real for a second. Like he was right beside me, like we were back during the Mandalorian wars.

"Isaac…it isn't your fault."

I turned around hearing the voices echo in my head. I grabbed my head with both of my hands trying to calm myself from the voices.

Why…

…I do not deserve to be redeemed.

I am nothing more than a failure, an outcast, an exile…a murderer.

My body collapsed onto the dirt road as my knees buckled to my chest. My hands were the only thing supporting me, I felt like I had forgotten how to walk.

I wanted to talk to someone, anyone to help me understand what I am feeling…

"…But nO OnE…NO…hUMan…UnDERstaNDs…ThAT…"

The words came out of me, but the words were weak, and my teeth were gnashed together like a feral dog.

I could feel my body spasm as I fought the urge to throw up, my throat felt tighter and there was sweat beginning to form along my body.

"They all died…no one was left, it didn't make any sense…suddenly, unfairly…the mandalorians slaughtered them all like they were bugs!"

The memories came back.

I can remember it…the way me and Ran shielded our eyes from the heat wave caused from a Mandalorian sonic grenade.

How I followed Ran, how his purple lightsaber slashed and cut through the Mandalorian ranks like paper. How me and all the other jedi followed him, my lightsaber…slicing a Mandalorian in half.

I could remember it…how he held onto his blaster even after death. The way I just hopped over him because I was afraid to be left behind.

We lost so many that battle. Even that push that we did caused us so many jedi, I could remember him…a young Jedi that got blown to shreds from a landmine.

He must of have been only eighteen. Bright and blond hair, ocean blue eyes, and a calm smile that he used to ease up everybody. He was kind, many of the older Jedi treated many members of the republic or the younger Jedi with disrespect.

Mostly because we were padawans, but he was different. He was always being kind to everyone that he came across, and I can't even remember his name.

I wonder even now, after so many years if he realized that he stepped on that landmine. Did he die instantly or was it when he was flung into the air.

He was gone, evaporated…disintegrated. We couldn't find anything of him after the battle was over. So, the republic commanders decided to bury him with his lightsaber.

Even after all these years I could still remember it, I could remember still following Ran as that boy died right behind me. I could remember the feeling of dread and misery as the battle was over.

I could remember the corpses of the republic and the mandalorians along the endless battlefield. But I felt sick because I survived.

Why me? Of all people why was it me that survived those wars…was it luck or the force?

Why did I deserve to live, while all those young and promising Jedi died on war-torn planets.

"They were all young, they could of have done something if they lived…but still, in an instant. They vanished…"

It should of have been me, I should of have died on Malachor. Did an ex-Sith like me deserve redemption for the horrific things that I have done during both wars, for the things that I have seen?

I wrestled my body up, my hand digging deep into my pouch pulling out my lightsaber. Without hesitation I chucked it deep into the forest.

"No more…no more about redemption. No more about the sith, jedi, or Revan…I am done with the force." I proclaimed as I continued walking down the path

Maybe five minutes of straight walking I began to see very faint lights. A town I suppose, it was a very blinding darkness to able to see anything. But I was very certain it might be.

That was when it happened…the moment I took my first step. The moment I took the next step to begin my life as someone new, as someone that did not know things from a different universe.

My whole body slammed into the dirt, I couldn't feel the pain at first. But I felt it skyrocket throughout my whole body.

There was someone screaming…wait no it was me. The pain was causing me to nearly black out as I violently spat out blood.

My single eye could see the brown dirt, and the beautiful green woods. I couldn't move anything, maybe it was due to the shock or the numerous broken bones but I couldn't do anything.

I laid down there as I felt the heat drain from my body. Is that how they all felt when we were at the brink of the war.

Was I going to die…here in this strange place…?

No…not strange, but beautiful place.

I softly closed my eye feeling the force take me. It was gentle and warm, and I surrendered myself to its will.

Desaryna…Ran. If I die here, soon we will be reunited. I'm so sorry my friends for not being able to keep my promise to both of you.

So, I closed my eye…and I trusted only in the force, because ether Jedi, Sith, or even someone like Revan. In the end we can only…Trust in the force