A/N: Hi there! Long time, no see, I know. I entered a kinda tense exam period and a few things came up, including major Wi-Fi problems and a couple RL issues, so this kinda took a back seat. No idea when I'll be able to put August up, but best-case scenario says not before the weekend after the next. Anyways, hope you still enjoy reading me.

Disclaimer: You know the drill. Stephenie's.

July 1 – Wednesday

She's acting worse than she ever fucking has before. Her walls are back up, and she won't talk to me about what the fuck is going on inside of her. Ironically, I'm also clinging to her more than I ever have. I won't leave her alone for even a moment, because I'm so fucking scared. I can feel her slipping through my fingers.

Last night, lying next to her in the meadow, it hit me that we'd never been so far apart. I mean, even back when I called her Crazy Bitch we were on a talking basis. And even when she didn't want to see me anymore, she at least got that message through. Now… radio silence.

Don't they say it's the most dangerous sound?

oOo

July 3 – Friday

So I can't open up, and you can't make me. But you say we can't live like this, with a bubble in the corner, growing and growing until it's huge and crushes us.

But if you leave, and I'm alone with the mirror in my bedroom, like Narcissus I'll stare and stare until it sucks me dry. Nothing is as fascinating as black, swirling destruction.

oOo

July 7 – Tuesday

I've always believed that Narcissus wasn't stuck at the lake because his own beauty fascinated him. I think it's because, for the first time, he could truly see himself – and it killed him.

They say ignorance is bliss.

Oh, Bella. Ignorance is killing you. I'm right here, and you're looking right through me. You won't hear me when I tell you you're beautiful, and I love you, and I need you to please, please, please stay with me. I need you, period.

You won't acknowledge that you're not the only one dying.

oOo

July 10 – Friday

I think we might be at a dead end here. Do you see how losing is the only way to win? How winning is the biggest loss of all? You can't crush what's already dust, and you can't suck the life out of what's already dried away.

What if I just disappeared?

Well you know what? Fuck you. If you're only fighting for yourself here, if you're already shielding your heart from pain, well I'm gonna do the same. You're tugging me down with you right now, and guess what? I wanna live. So if you're not gonna get off your butt and fight it the fuck off, well fuck you. I'm out.

oOo

July 12 – Sunday

I found her at the cliffs today. Alone. And not in a spot where I liked seeing her.

"Bella, what the fuck are you doing?"

"Staring at the water."

"Why here?"

"To change the view."

"Bullshit."

I knew, though. She was there because there wasn't enough water below to cushion her fall. She was high on that thrill, that knowledge. If she decided to take a flight, right here, right now, it would be her last.

She turned wildly dilated pupils to me.

"I won't jump, Edward. I know the breaking point, and I'm not there."

We both heard the yet.

oOo

July 15 – Wednesday

Of course I didn't distance myself. How could I? She needs me, even more so if she's at a point where she can't even see I need her, too.

I just wish I wasn't prepping my heart for a strike I'm about to deliver.

oOo

July 17 – Friday

Found another notebook, called Jagged. I have a feeling it's the ancestor to Shards.

It's years old, and yet the amount of pain it carries is staggering.

Holding a flame in the palm of my hand, pretending I've tamed the fire. Yeah, right. The fire tamed me, lured in like a moth that knows the flame is deadly. Now that it has me where it wanted – or are we where I wanted? – it's going to consume me until there's nothing left. And I know it.

And really, I could get away, but I won't.

Maybe I just want to go out with a bang. If I'm dying anyway, wouldn't I want to choose the way?

And really, how appealing, how strangely soothing, is the idea of becoming a red, white, blue entity of destruction? A merge of colors. Union of the gods. Embodiment of all that is pure and powerful.

I'm no pyromaniac. I'm too selfish for that. I don't want everybody to be fire.

I just want to be consumed.

oOo

July 20 – Monday

"Edward? What's the most beautiful thing you can think of?"

"A small, candlelit cabin in the middle of a snowstorm. You?"

"A silent, starless sky at the end of a wild day."

oOo

July 24 – Friday

"What do you dream of that upsets you that much?"

"I keep thinking you've reached your limit, that you're done with trying to understand me, and then you come back for more."

"One day you'll tell me."

"One day I will."

AN : Don't go all hopeful on me for one tiny line, guys. Things looking up with my girl Bella usually means they'll get worse next chapter. Also, dare I remind you this story ends in September?

Anyway. I need you guys to do something for me. Can you please type something out, anything, in the review box and press send? I'll take any words you have, I'm not picky. I'll even take a smiley face. See? Not picky!

And now I'm getting clingy so I'll see myself out.

See you soon, beautiful people!