Barhopping with the Emperor
The first strangled breath was painful, as if his lungs were still coated with permafrost and the warm, unfamiliar air brought forth a searing thaw. He wasn't sure which direction was up or down, and his stomach cramped, threatening to expel its contents. The medicinal odor in the room made him gag, and when he opened his eyes, he realized he couldn't see. Unsure if this were yet another 'dream', another nightmare of his horrible confinement in his living tomb, or if the room was pitch black, he reached up and out, touching a metal mask. His hand recoiled against the cold metal.
"Where am I?" he managed to chattered out through numb lips. "Who are you?"
"You are on Coruscant," a voice replied through a respirator.
"I... I recognize your voice..." Han stopped as he felt a hypo press against his neck and hiss.
"I would think so." The voice sounded wistful and sad, if that were possible.
"Vader," Han said flatly, trying to keep the fear and defeat out of his tone.
There was a long hesitation before the Dark Lord responded. "Much has happened since Bespin, Captain Solo. The galaxy has altered beyond what you would recognize."
"Well, since I can't see, that's probably not an exaggeration."
"Hibernation sickness. You've been given medication, and your eyesight will return in time."
Memories of Bespin, and the events that led up to the carbon chamber flooded back into Han's mind. "Why am I here? Where are Chewie and the Princess? What did you do to Luke? I thought you were giving me to Fett, so he could take me to Jabba."
"Everything has changed," the man repeated slowly, as if he were speaking to a small child. "Jabba is dead... Fett is dead."
Han tried struggling into a seated position, only to have a strong, gloved hand push him back down. "What about Luke and Leia? And Chewie?"
"The Rebellion is crushed. Destroyed. The majority that survived the Sullust Massacre were captured and executed. A few managed to escape, and are still running... even today. All these years later, they still run and hide. My... um, the Princess and your Wookiee are among those that escaped. I have searched for them, but they elude me."
"Y..years?" Han spluttered out, stunned. "How long have I been frozen?"
"Three years... maybe four. Time goes so quickly."
"Four?" The smuggler put his hand on his forehead, trying to fight off the nausea and terror.
"The first year you were in Jabba's palace, until I rescued you."
"Rescued?" Han asked bitterly. "Why in the nine hells would you care where I'm hanging as a decoration?"
"I did not want Jabba to decide to thaw you," he replied. "It was safer here... and I thought they would come to attempt a rescue."
"They?"
"My... I mean, the Princess and your Wookiee."
"I guess they ain't as stupid as you assumed," Han snapped out. "Marching into Jabba's would've been dangerous enough. Coming into Palpatine's lair would've been fatal."
"Palpatine is dead."
"Huh?"
"I killed him, right after the attack on Sullust."
Han was silent, trying to digest this news. "You killed the Emperor? So you could take his place?"
"Not at first." The man sighed... at least Han thought the long hiss was a sigh. "But after the Sullust Massacre, it became necessary. I wanted to prevent the Rebels from being killed - at least that's what I told myself. But he lied to me."
"Palpatine? Lie?" Han gave a snort. "What a surprise."
"No. Not Palpatine."
"Then who?"
Ignoring the question, the man asked instead, "Aren't you curious why I finally thawed you, Captain Solo?"
"I figure it's just so you can have some more fun torturing me."
"No, Han. I'm so lonely. Leia won't answer any of my attempts at communication. She doesn't trust me. I need someone I can talk to ... I need a friend."
"A friend?" Han asked, incredulously. "You want me to be your friend? After everything you did to me on Bespin?"
"I did nothing to you on Bespin."
"The scan grid? The freezing? Ya call that nothing?"
There was a long pause, and Han could hear the rustle of movement. "That was my father, not me," Luke's voice said clearly, no longer speaking through a respirator.
"Lu... Luke?"
"Yes, Han. I used to be Luke Skywalker, but now I am Emperor Skywalker, the man that killed both Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine. But even an Emperor needs a friend, someone to talk to... someone to play sabacc with... on occasion. Maybe we can go to nightclubs and holo-premiers together and pick up pretty females. When Leia sees how much fun we're having, she'll finally believe me, and come live on Coruscant. And besides, if she loves you, she'll be jealous of all the pretty girls you'll be seen with. Then we can all be happy together, don't you think?" Luke asked, sounding strangely euphoric.
"You thawed me to have someone to talk to? Someone to hang around nightclubs with?"
"Yes."
"Am I going to have a choice in this?"
"Of course I'll give you a choice," the young Emperor said, sounding pleased. "You can always go back to being my wall decoration."
Later...
Han woke up with a splitting headache, and someone persistently shaking his shoulder. Finally he squinted up, and was startled to see Darth Vader standing over his bed, and nearly jumped out of his skin. Then he remembered Luke's earlier words - that Darth Vader was dead. "Luke?"
"Yes," the modulated voice hissed out. "But everyone thinks I'm Emperor Skywalker, the Sith formerly known as Darth Vader. Except for Leia, of course. She knows I'm not really Darth Vader. I just don't understand why she won't contact me. I've even said 'pretty please.'"
"I don't remember fallin' asleep," Han said, frowning in confusion. "But at least I can see again."
"Told you so," Luke crowed out. "Get up and we can play sabacc."
"Right now?"
"Sure... don't you want to be filled in with your missing years?" Luke tugged his arm, and Han staggered to his feet. "I've got tons of stuff to tell you."
"Err... okay. Can I use the refresher, first?"
"That'd be a good idea," Luke concurred. "You smell pretty ripe. Of course, that might be me. This helmet holds in lots of unpleasant odors."
"Why are you wearing it at all?"
Luke pushed the mask to one side, trying to peer out of the shaded 'eyes'. "If I took it off, everyone would see I'm too young to be Darth Vader. How could I use his bad reputation if they know I'm not him?"
Han nearly pointed out that he was way too short to actually be Darth Vader, but decided it wasn't worth the effort and headed into the refresher. Later, after many rounds of sabacc ( which Han had lost rather soundly. He suspected the Emperor of cheating, but decided to not press the issue for health reasons) the Corellian questioned his former friend. "So... how did Palpatine find out about Sullust?"
"I told him," Luke replied, tilting his head to one side as he studied the cards.
"What? Why?"
"Well... after the botched rescue at Bespin - oh, I'm sorry about that, by the way - I was really upset that Vader told me he was my dad. And he told me this after he chopped my poor hand off. What kind of dad chops your hand off and then tells you he's your daddy? I think my family might be dysfunctional. So... I told Leia I needed to go back to Dagobah and ask Yoda about some missing facts."
"Who's Yoda?"
"A short green guy with big ears living in a tree stump in a smelly swamp. He was a Jedi Master." Luke tapped his gloved finger on his mouth piece thoughtfully. "When I went back, he told me it was true, and not only that... Leia was my sister!"
"WHAT?"
"Yeah... that was my reaction. I had the hotty-totties for my own twin sister. Do you remember when she gave me that juicy kiss back on Hoth?"
Han shuddered. "I remember."
"Disgusting, huh? After I heard that, I sort of flipped out, and even tried to disinfect my tongue using a swamp-snake, but the snake didn't appreciate it very much, and it bit me right on my upper lip. I hate stupid snakes. So I went back to the Rebel Base at Sullust and told Leia everything, but she didn't believe a word of it. Can you believe that? That's gratitude for you," Luke groused. "And stupid old Obi-Wan won't even back up my story."
"Obi-Wan? He's dead," Han pointed out carefully. One could never be too careful when talking to a psychopathic Sith.
"Only when he feels like it," Luke declared, showing another hand of pure sabacc, which made eight in a row. "That's what I meant when I said he lied to me. Dumb old hermit... tells me my father was killed by Darth Vader, then has the nerve to tell me it was 'the truth from a certain point of view.' It still frosts my wampa's butt just thinking about it."
Han hadn't known what to make of that remark, so he just downed another gizer and tried not to think about it. "Then what?"
"I decided to take my dad up on his offer and join him. He promised me we'd get rid of Palpatine, sort of like a tag-team thing."
"But how did the Rebels get wiped out on Sullust?" Han prodded.
Luke threw down the stack of cards, and they scattered across the table. "I'm getting to that part! Geez, you sure do like to hear yourself talk, don't you?" When Han stayed silent, Luke continued explaining as he gathered the cards back into a pile. "Dad told me we'd get the old dude to trust us if I revealed the Rebel Base, and then Palpatine would be real surprised when we turned on him. He promised me we'd give the Rebels time to evacuate before attacking, but it didn't quite work out like that. The Imperials showed up before I had a chance to warn the Rebels, and it was a total massacre. Fortunately, Leia and Chewie were already looking for a way to free you, so they weren't there. I was pretty darn upset about the whole thing. I guess after seeing how I'd been tricked, I just lost it. Killed Palpatine, and turned on my old man."
Han nodded.
"Pitten got your tongue?" Luke teased. "Anyway... I ordered troops to head to Tatooine and bring Leia and Chewie back to Coruscant, but they had disappeared. So I had Jabba's palace watched night and day, day and night... night and day... you get the idea...waiting for them to come back. I even had your buddy, Lando, arrested and hauled - "
"Lando?" Han interrupted, unable to stop himself. "What was he doing there?"
"He was in disguise as a palace guard, waiting for Leia and Chewie to show up. I guess they had some idiot plan to spring you. It would never have worked without me there," Luke bragged.
"Where is he now?"
Luke shrugged, which caused the huge shoulder-pads to shift off-balance and he nearly fell off his chair. "In prison. I don't like Lando too much, do you? He dresses funny."
Han eyed Luke's get-up. "Yeah, Lando dresses funny."
"A year after Bespin, I finally decided to kill Jabba and bring you back to Coruscant. Fett tried to stop me, and he lost his head in the attempt. I would have unfrozen you earlier, but I thought you might be ticked at me for messing up the Rebellion. So that's about the entire story of how you ended up on my wall instead of Jabba's, and how the Rebels lost the war. I really didn't mean for any of it to happen that way, but life can be weird sometimes."
"Yeah. Life's weird," Han agreed with a sigh.
Two months later...
Han took a big swig of his gizer, wiping the foam with the back of his hand and contemplating his bizarre situation. The platinum blonde in his lap wiggled, and snuggled against his chest. "Do you have to sit here?" Han complained. "I see plenty of empty seats." Actually, that wasn't quite true, since the smoky bar was rather crowded with both patrons and dozens of the Emperor's bodyguards.
"I like it here," she said, giggling.
Sighing, Han looked toward the counter where Emperor Skywalker - fully clad in black armor as his father before him - stood with one arm around a Twi'lek female, and his other arm draped around a red-headed human girl. No matter what, Luke made certain he had the prettiest females available, and Han was allowed the 'rejects.' The Corellian noted that Luke seemed to be drawn to the females with red-hair, for some unfathomable reason.
Back when the Emperor had unfrozen him, he'd said the galaxy had changed and at this point, Han couldn't agree more. Everywhere Luke went, Han was forced to tag along as his 'Attendant.' Escape was impossible since dozens of stormtroopers surrounded them everywhere they went. And Luke loved the attention of the holo-cams and the holo-shills reporting his every move.
During the day, when the Emperor was supposedly running the galaxy, Han was allowed to sleep. But nights... nights were when things got downright weird ... when the Emperor got his groove on. Together, and always with beautiful and frequently famous women, they would attend vainglory celebrity 'award' holo-shows of every ilk; they would be seen in every trendy and expensive nightclub; drink alcohol until Han thought his head would explode and his liver would shrivel up. (Luke never got drunk, however... due to the limitations of the helmet. The Emperor only sipped alcohol through one of those kiddie-type pink curlicue straws stuck through one of the mask's breathing holes).
And thus was Han's life. Often, they would bring the females back to the Imperial Palace, and Luke would disappear in his bedroom, leaving Han trying to politely explain to 'his' date that he wasn't interested in taking her to his own room, and mentally wondering if Luke took his helmet off in bed. It was hard to shake the image in his mind of Luke making out dressed in full body armor. Surely he'd have to remove at least one part... right?
In the beginning, Luke had questioned Han's refusal to 'entertain' the women in private.
"Are you having, err, problems with functioning correctly since the carbon freezing?" Luke had asked, sounding suspiciously similar Threepio at this point.
"No, Emperor."
"Then...? Ah ha!" Luke had proclaimed, nodding in approval. "You love my sister! That's just so sweet, Han. Really. When Leia gets here, she'll be so happy you've stayed faithful. Give me a hug, you big lug!"
Han had tried to grin and not pull back from being embraced by this strange, pint-sized version of Darth Vader.
Currently, however, he was being hugged - and kissed repeatedly - by this blonde with big bosoms and wandering hands. "Hey," Han protested, grabbing her wrist. "Watch what yer doing, sweetheart."
"I'd rather just feel what I'm doing," she purred in his ear.
"ATTENTION!" Emperor Skywalker called out loudly through his amplified respirator, making half the patrons drop their drinks as they quaked in fear, their faces blanched. "I think we need to go find another bar... don't you, Han? This one is starting to bore me."
"Sure, Lord Skywalker," Han yelled back, although it wasn't necessary to shout at this point. Everyone was deathly quiet, hoping the Emperor wouldn't suddenly decide to Force-choke them for entertainment. One could never predict what a demented Dark Lord would do when he was bored.
With the blonde hanging on his arm, Han tagged along behind Emperor Skywalker, shielding his eyes from the glare of the holo-shill's cameras as they left the bar.
On the other side of the galaxy, in a dusty bar in Mos Eisley...
"Look at that moron," the red-head muttered into her ale as she stared at the holo-viewer. "Does Skywalker really think he's fooling anybody in that costume?"
"Maybe. Who knows?" the dark-haired woman replied. "Check out that tart on Solo's arm. She can't keep her paws off him." She glanced over at a morose, chestnut-colored Wookiee. "Sorry... just an expression." Then she looked back at the holo-viewer, glaring at the Corellian. "I can't believe he'd show up all these years later and not even try to look for me."
"He probably was hiding in the Corporate Sector because you said you loved him," the other woman commented. "That's one word that has a tendency to make men like Solo run far and fast."
The dark-haired woman sighed. "You're probably right."
"I hate him," they both said at once, as the Wookiee roared his agreement.
THE END