The power of emotions
On Monday evening, Kate sat alone in the Common Room after coming back from her practice. She knew it would be like this the whole week, as Fred and George had detention every evening, they were caught trying to go to the Forbidden Forest, as they forgot to use the charm on their brooms, or at least it's what they said. She took out a book and started to read. After a moment, someone sat down in the armchair in front of her. Kate didn't look up to see who it was, as she wasn't expecting anyone to join her.
- 'Can I talk to you for a moment?' asked Oliver Wood.
The young witch was surprised, it was actually someone who wanted to interact with her. She closed her book and looked up at the new quidditch captain.
- 'Sure, what's up?'
- 'It's just... I remembered Charlie was talking to you when he was not sure what to do, so I thought maybe I should try.'
- 'Maybe he was, but not about quidditch,' said Kate, wondering what Wood wanted to talk about.
- 'Well, it's not about the game in itself. It's – see, I have the feeling the team is falling apart. We have less than three weeks before the game, we have a seeker who doesn't want to be a seeker, but no one else who could be better – I mean, I would do it if it had to come to that, but I have absolutely no one who could play keeper – and now Fred and George got detention the whole week, I'm afraid they lost all motivation after last Saturday and how Slytherin won, and I fear they'll just do anything to get detention so they can't practice. They're the best beaters in the whole school, I need them.'
- 'What are you expecting of me, Oliver?'
- 'Maybe you could talk to them so they don't get into troubles any more before our game?'
- 'I could, and they probably would listen, but that won't solve the motivation problem the whole team has because of Emma.'
- 'I know, but I don't know how to change that.'
- 'Do you have anyone else in the team who could replace her as a seeker?'
- 'She's the only one who's really fast and skilled enough to stand a chance. I think the next in skills is Ethan. But she really would be the best choice.'
- 'I'll tell you the solution I see: either you find a way to motivate her to take this role seriously, talking about team spirit, unity, that you know it's not her favourite place but she's the most skilled flyer and as such has the most chances to be successful, stuff like that; or you throw her out of the team, take your second reserve in – I think it's Alicia, right? - and put Ethan as a seeker in the hope he'll be a better team mate.'
- 'You would throw her out of the team if she doesn't try harder?'
- 'Yes. From what Fred and George tell me, she's whining all the time that it's not what she wants to do, that she's much better as a chaser, bla bla bla. This annoys everyone. Your seeker is gone, you need someone to take over and you have no one in your reserve of players for this place, so some-one who's not a seeker has to fill the role. If she thinks her wishes are more important than the team, I don't think she has a place in it. If talking about how important it is is not enough to motivate her, telling her it's like this or she's out of the team is an option. But maybe check before with Ethan if he'd be okay being seeker if she's gone. It would be useless to let her go if it's the same problem with him afterwards.'
- 'I could also switch, put her back as a chaser and Ethan as the seeker.'
- 'You could, but you would show the team that you get what you want if you throw a tantrum, that would also tell them all that such an attitude is acceptable. It's your choice in the end, it's good to be nice, but I'm not sure it would be a good sign for the rest of the team.'
- 'Right. I should have talked to you weeks ago. I'll ask Ethan, then I'll go talk to Emma. Thanks, Kate,' he said standing up.
The girl picked up her book again and continued reading. It was another one of these books talking about Dark magic. She was reading about a circle of fire protecting the caster and all his allies, letting them come in, but burning their enemies. Kate was wondering, even if the incantation – Protego Diabolica – sounded bad, if she could use it to protect herself and friends at some point, as the fire was meant to harm only the enemies of the caster. She thought she could ask Dumbledore what he thought of it the next day. She put a little piece of parchment in the book to keep the page there, then as she was about to continue reading, she heard shouting.
- 'What? How dare you? It's that little bitch who told you to do that?' screamed Emma, pointing at Kate.
The twelve years old sighed, closed her book and put it aside as the last year witch rushed to her, visibly angry.
- 'How dare you tell Oliver to kick me out of the team? Who do you think you are?' she screamed.
- 'When people ask me for my opinion on a problem, I give it. I didn't tell him to kick you out, though. I said he should first try to motivate you, as you are the most skilled flyer in the team, to take that role seriously and work for the team, and if you still were acting like a cry-baby, he should then kick you out.'
- 'He doesn't have to throw me out of the team. I really am the most skilled flyer, after all. I'm a great chaser, I could just go back there! That would be the most logical.'
- 'And the most damaging for the team, showing everyone else that the team isn't important, only you are, and that apparently acting like an annoying princess gets you wherever you want. That's not the message a captain wants to convey to his team. You're an adult now, you should grow up! This spoiled-child attitude won't get you anywhere in life.'
- 'What do you know about my attitude?'
- 'First I see the scene you are making right now, for something that is actually up to you to avoid. Second, maybe you forgot, but the beaters of your team happen to be my best friends, we talk a lot, and for weeks now, they tell me how you're always whining that you don't want to be seeker and don't make any effort even if you have all qualities to be a pretty good seeker. They tell me how all the team is tired of hearing you. Of course their motivation if falling. It's not even a matter that you can't, it's just that you don't want. You're in a team! That should be what matters to you, not only your own preferences. If you're the most skilled for being a seeker, then for the team you should try your best there. None of them is responsible that you don't have a true seeker any more.'
- 'Of course they're not, you are! You made Charlie go away from the team, and now you want me out!'
A rush of anger spread through Kate's chest, her heart started beating hard, her eyes were stormy once more, she stood up slowly, breathing fast, she looked taller and scary. Emma fell in the armchair behind her under the shock of seeing Kate's transformation. A breeze was crossing the room although all windows and doors were closed, something electric was in the air. Wood came closer, as well as Ainsworth.
- 'Do you think I'm happy he left?' asked Kate in a slow, deep voice. 'Don't you understand what I feel for him? I dreamed that he would stay, but I couldn't ask him that. I couldn't ask him to let his dream go to stay for me. Do you have any clue how often I hoped he'd still be here, and I would have the one person who understand my struggles around? How often I was doubting and I would have needed his smile to be stronger?'
The wind in the room was intensifying.
- 'Kate, calm down,' said Wood in a low voice, 'please.'
The twelve years old looked up to him and saw fear in his eyes. Ainsworth was beside him and he looked just as scared. She realised the tension inside her, relaxed her shoulders and tried to breathe more deeply and slowly, and the wind in the room calmed down. Ainsworth walked to her, put a hand on her shoulder.
- 'Are you all right, Kate?' he asked.
She didn't answer but focused back on Emma.
- 'Charlie dreamed of dragons all his life. All in him wanted to go, the only reason why he was not sure was because of external pressure, like the team or his mother. He needed someone to tell him they would support him whatever choice he would make. He needed to be reminded that it was a decision for his life. Maybe that was his one and only chance to work with dragons, his ultimate dream. Which one of you wanted to be responsible for him having regrets for the rest of his life? I didn't. I tried to be the friend he needed, and I still try to be. And you... I don't want you out of the team, but I also remember a team that was united, working together towards the same goal. And for weeks now I hear that it's falling apart and that the main reason is your attitude. I don't see why you should be rewarded for acting like a selfish child who sucks motivation out of the group. You're the one that has the most chances to be successful as a seeker, and if you really try, no one will be mad at you for not getting the snitch. The choice is yours, actually.'
- 'That's okay, you won, I'm out of that team of losers!' snapped Emma angrily, then she stood up and left the Common Room.
- 'Is everything okay with you, Kate?' asked Wood in a whisper.
- 'Yeah, I think I'm fine.'
- 'Are you sure? It was creepy what you did before, with the wind and all,' said Ainsworth.
- 'I didn't do anything. I guess I was just super angry at her for meaning that I was responsible for Charlie's departure.'
- 'But it's easy to see it this way,' said Oliver, 'I thought so too.'
- 'I didn't,' interjected Ainsworth. 'I know how important Charlie is for you and I saw how hard it was for you to be supportive when everybody was trying to make him change his mind.'
- 'Thank you.'
- 'You're shaking, Kate, maybe you should sit down a bit,' said Wood, seemingly worried.
- 'Do you need something to drink? Or to eat?' asked Ainsworth as she sat down.
- 'No, don't worry, I'm fine. It was just too much emotion, I need to calm down, that's all.'
That's when Fred and George came back from their detention, they saw Wood and Ainsworth around a chair and walked straight there.
- 'What happened?' asked Fred. 'We met Emma on the way, she seemed super angry –'
- 'When we asked what was up she said we should ask our sweet little friend,' finished George, looking at Kate who was still blemish and shaking.
- 'I had a discussion with Kate earlier tonight,' explained Wood. 'Because I didn't know what to do, and Kate helped me clear up a few things. So I went talking to Emma right after, she didn't like it.'
- 'In short, Emma is out of the team, Ethan will be the new seeker and Alicia joins as chaser,' said Kate.
- 'That sounds good. What made her so upset? I thought she didn't want to be a seeker,' asked Fred.
- 'She thought that she would go back to being a chaser,' said Ainsworth.
- 'It's what I wanted to do first, but Kate pointed out that it would be bad for the team, showing that crying around is actually rewarding her with what she wants. I know she's good on a broom, but she obviously cares much more about her wishes than about the needs of the team. I first tried to get her more motivated, but she didn't want to change her mind.'
- 'When she found out Kate gave Oliver the idea, she went making a scene to her. At some point, we were really worry, the common room was filled with wind and tension, like when a thunder-storm is about to start,' said Ainsworth.
- 'It was scary, really,' continued Wood. 'Kate seemed taller, menacing,… So we came asking her to calm down.'
- 'I didn't realise what was happening, though. It's when I saw how scared they were that I noticed. It seems like it's what happens when I'm really angry at the moment,' explained Kate. 'She meant I made Charlie go away and I now wanted to get rid of her.'
- 'I don't know if you made him go away, but you helped him make up his mind,' Fred said.
- 'But if he had stayed, I guess he would have had no motivation any more after letting go his chance to work with dragons. For the team it would have been just as bad,' said George.
- 'How can you possibly be so sure that he's happy there?' Wood asked.
Kate searched in her pocket and took out the picture Charlie sent her. She showed it to Oliver and Ainsworth.
- 'How often have you seen him that happy?' Kate asked.
Wood said nothing, Ainsworth gave back the picture and simply whispered: 'when he looked at you, sometimes' while messing up Kate's hair. She smiled as she took back the photograph, and she realised that when the Charlie on the picture was looking at her, it felt just like when he was right there smiling at her.
- 'Anyway,' she said, 'I tried to make her understand that it was her attitude that was getting her out of the team, that she had a choice to make, she answered that she was leaving the team.'
- 'She actually said she was leaving that team of losers,' said Ethan who came closer. 'I heard it from the other side of the room.'
- 'Sounds like a wonderful evening,' ironised Fred. 'Are you all right?' he asked, looking at Kate.
- 'Yeah, I'm fine, I start to be used to have people holding me responsible for the consequences of their actions, like some guys saying I ruined their friendship with Charlie,' she said, winking at Ainsworth, 'Angelina saying I want to throw her out of your friend group, or Lopez saying I was responsible for her detention, …'
- 'At least one of the guys understood he was an idiot and was the sole responsible for what happened,' said Ainsworth, grinning.
- 'I'm happy about it, he's not such a jerk in the end. But seriously, I'm fine, you can leave me now,' smiled Kate.
- 'All right. Thanks for your help, Kate. Don't forget that other thing we talked about,' said Oliver.
- 'I won't,' the girl answered as he walked away.
Ethan and Ainsworth also left, going back to their own group of friends.
- 'What was Wood talking about?' Fred asked.
- 'He wants me to talk with you.'
- 'About what?' wondered George.
- 'He's worried, and I understand why, that you willingly got detention this week, because you have no motivation playing any more. I mean, you're not dumb, I don't see any other reason why you would have forgotten to use the disillusionment spell on your brooms yesterday.'
- 'Maybe you're right,' Fred said, looking away.
- 'I promised to talk to you even if Emma was staying, I hope now it is less needed, though. You're part of a team, you're the best beaters in the whole school, your team needs you. Please don't do anything stupid so you don't get any more detention before the game. The one who was killing everyone's motivation is gone now, Oliver tried something to save the team, I hope you'll do your part for it as well.'
- 'Right. We did it with reason, because we didn't want to spend so much time training for nothing,' Fred said.
- 'But actually, it's McGonagall who gave us detention, and, well, we lied to everyone a little bit. She gave us detention every night without practice, so we actually can train,' explained George.
- 'You should tell Oliver this, he'd be happy to know it. He's quite stressed out right now.'
- 'Yeah, we can see that,' smiled Fred. 'WOOD!'
The quidditch captain came back to the group, wondering what was up now.
- 'We're actually free for practice,' Fred said casually.
- 'We didn't want to lose more time training with Emma in the team, but McGonagall let the practice evening free, so we'll be there tomorrow,' finished George.
- 'That's great news,' said Oliver who was now broadly smiling. 'But you won't get more detention, now, right?'
- 'We'll be as quiet as Kate,' smiled Fred.
- 'Thanks, guys, I appreciate,' said Wood.
- 'You know it only means that if they do something that isn't allowed, they'll make sure no one finds out, right?' said Kate.
- 'You never do anything out of the rules,' the quidditch captain said.
- 'Another one who doesn't know she was with us in the Forbidden Forest in December,' said George.
- 'Or that she organised that we spent an afternoon in Hogsmeade with Lee and Charlie,' continued Fred.
- 'And that she not only sponsored our last shopping trip at Zonko's, but also made that we could go there during the holidays, with Snape as a chaperon,' laughed George.
- 'They're joking, aren't they?' asked Oliver.
Kate was grinning.
- 'Not at all. I also really was in the Trophy Room with Lopez, and a few more things. I just keep it quiet,' she explained.
- 'Seriously? But you always seem so nice, so respectful with your professors, always following the rules…'
- 'I got detention with Snape sometimes,' she said.
- 'Yeah, because you're defending a friend when he's too harsh on her. That's something I can understand.'
- 'Well, see it like this, I need some distractions sometimes, and I don't like punishments. And how could I be so close with Fred and George if I was always following the rules?'
- 'Good point. Anyway, as long as you don't get caught, I don't care what you do, I just need you at practice and at the match. We'll see each other tomorrow, then,' said Oliver.
- 'Sure, see ya!' said the twins at once.
- 'So,' started Kate after Wood left, 'you were lying to me?'
- 'It's just – you know –' started Fred.
- 'We thought you would just make us go anyway,' finished George.
- 'Of course I would. But I also would have talked to Oliver to address the problem. Because if you start trying to have detention to avoid going to the practice session, there's definitely a problem that has to be solved.'
- 'I reckon you're right. I mean, you solved the problem in one evening,' Fred said.
- 'Wood is fighting with it since Charlie left the team, so I think we definitely will talk to you next time,' smiled George.
Kate was happy to work with Dumbledore that afternoon. She was worried about what happened the two last time she was angry and wanted to talk to him about that. He was waiting for her beside the gargoyle and they went together to his office. But he didn't let her any time to talk.
- 'I wanted to thank you for what you did on Saturday. You might have saved Mr Cromwell's life with your quick thinking. I don't know what you told him, but that was efficient, Professor Snape told me that his behaviour radically changed with the other students from his House. You really can be proud of you.'
The young girl explained briefly what she told Thor that afternoon.
- 'Professor, did you know for his parents?'
- 'That they were killed by Death Eaters? Yes, I knew, and I was afraid it would lead to many diffi-culties once he was sorted in Slytherin. But the decision of the Sorting Hat has to be followed. Luc-kily for him, you were there to help.'
- 'Well, without Peeves, I wouldn't have searched for him. It's because of what he was singing that I found out that Thor probably needed help and I went looking for him. We were lucky there.'
- 'Indeed, we were. He would have sung his song to any other student, nobody would have gone looking for Mr Cromwell. I wonder how it comes that Peeves seems to appreciate you, he rather likes rule breakers and trouble makers.'
- 'You know I broke quite a few rules already, and he knows who my best friends are. Also, I never shouted at him, I greet him each time I meet him, I ask how he's doing, I let him create troubles, maybe it's enough for a bit of respect.'
- 'It could be,' he said with a smile.
- 'Professor, I had a question. Something happened on Saturday afternoon, and again last night, and it's quite scary for me.'
- 'What is it, Kate?'
- 'It's something that happened when I was angry. Saturday, Thor said something that upset me, and something changed, there was wind in the classroom, it seems I changed as well, because he looked scared. Last night again, Emma confronted me because she thinks I'm responsible for her being kicked out of the quidditch team, and at some point I was really mad at her. It was scary enough for Wood and Ainsworth to come closer and ask me to calm down. Again there was wind building up in the room, they said I seemed taller, darker, and that it was feeling as if a thunderstorm was about to start. But I was not doing anything, just – after Wood asked me to calm down, I realised the tension that was in me and I tried to relax, that's when the wind stopped. It wasn't like this before, and I don't feel it coming, so I don't think I have control over it. Do you know why it happens? If I can change it?'
- 'Are you sure this never happened before?'
- 'Well, the day I spent hours in the storm, Charlie told me that my eyes were changing with my emotions, and that the stormy sky was very much looking like my eyes when I was angry.' The girl stopped briefly, lost in her memories. 'He said that he loves storms now because he sees me in them. But that doesn't explain what is happening now,' she finished, remembering why she started thinking about it.
- 'I believe it does. Your eyes always reflected your internal turmoil. Now that you started working with elemental magic, especially without the use of a wand, the storm inside you only wants to get out. I fear the only thing to do is learning to control your emotions, not letting them reach full power, at least as long as you cannot express them safely.'
- 'How can I do that? It's all right to learn wand-less magic by myself, because I kind of always used it, but I don't see how I could learn this alone. I don't even realise that it happens.'
- 'Now you are aware of this problem. I don't know if anyone could help you. You can obviously ask your friends to tell you when it starts, so you can actively release the tension and not letting it build up inside you. I never faced this problem and I do not know someone who would have. I'm sorry.'
The young girl kept silent a moment. She was thinking hard.
- 'Maybe it would be better if I stopped working on elemental and wand-less magic,' she whispered.
- 'This wouldn't change anything, I fear,' said Dumbledore kindly. 'Your body knows how to perform it, well or not, if you let your emotions take over, it will get out, even if you stop training. I believe the only way is controlling your emotions, really. That will be easier with the time.'
- 'So – Professor McGonagall was right, I could have hurt Charlie without wanting it… And I could hurt Fred and George…'
- 'I do not think you will, Kate. You can trust yourself, no matter how angry you are, your heart knows how much you love them.'
Some tears were rolling on the young witch's cheeks. How could she be sure she won't hurt her friends when she couldn't even realise what was happening? It was scary. Dumbledore waited quietly for her to calm down, then he asked her if they could start their lesson.
- 'I still wanted to ask you something. I read about something last night,' she said, pulling out the book. 'Here, Protego Diabolica. Do you think that could be used to protect allies in a battle, to cover an escape, something like this? Or would it be better to change the incantation?'
- 'I don't think you should look into it,' he said coldly. 'I know of only one person who mastered it, he's in Nurmengard for many years now. I can see how interesting it could be to protect your allies, but it might be as well very dangerous. It is rooted in Dark Magic.'
- 'That's why I was thinking about another incantation, to root it into a positive magic. But I wanted to know first if it might be useful. So you know someone who used it successfully. It works then.'
- 'Kate, this is extremely complex and dangerous magic. I do not think you should spend your time and energy working on something like this. It might be dangerous even for you.'
She looked at him and saw black flames forming a circle, and someone she recognised as Gellert Grindelwald standing in the middle of it. Aurors were obliged to hide, the fire trying to attack them in the way a Fiendfyre would do.
- 'Professor, I'm not Grindelwald.' Dumbledore seemed uncomfortable. 'There is a war coming, we'll be outnumbered, I'd like to have all possibilities to protect our side. I do not fear danger or difficulties, and I have a few years to learn how to master it. However, I do not think I will keep the incantation as such, I'm uncomfortable with this Diabolica part.'
- 'It is very dangerous to create a new spell, even more to change the incantation of an existing one coming from Dark Magic,' the Headmaster said coldly.
- 'I know it is dangerous, Professor Snape warned me. I asked him for advices when I created a new shield spell for Charlie in December. But I believe it is possible. You saw how fast I'm learning to deal with elemental magic. I think it is within my reach.'
- 'I see I will not be able to make you change your mind. Be really careful with this, Kate.' He paused a moment, staring at her. 'How do you know that Grindelwald used that spell?'
- 'I just had a flash of him, right now, standing in the middle of a circle of black flames, Aurors hiding from the fire that was trying to reach them. I recognised him because my parents talked about him a few times and I read about him in some books, there were pictures sometimes. '
Dumbledore stared at the young witch silently, thinking. She didn't know if she should say something more, or just wait for him to talk again.
- 'What do you think of power, Kate?' he suddenly asked.
- 'What do you mean?' asked the girl, surprised.
- 'Would you like to hold a position of power? Would you like to have a responsibility and an impact on everybody's life?'
- 'I never really thought about it,' she said.
- 'Then do it now, please.'
She took some time to think before answering.
- 'No, I don't want to hold a position of power. I do not see myself as a leader. I could be a coun-sellor of some sort, because I think I can see quite well the implications of our actions, but… I don't know. I want to have a positive impact on many life, I just don't want to impose anything on people. I couldn't be Minister for Magic, for example. And I do not seek recognition for what I do. Maybe you've noticed I'm uncomfortable each time you thank me or congratulate me for something I did that was good. The only reason why I do what I do is because I believe it is needed. I don't want to be in the spotlight.'
- 'One can have power without being in the spotlight.'
- 'What is power, then? Wasn't what Grindelwald and Voldemort were seeking, power? Or what Ministers are so keen to hold onto?'
- 'It is. It is also what I sought for a time,' he paused. Kate's curiosity was piqued. 'I was young, Gellert Grindelwald was a very dear friend of mine, and we started to make plans for the greater good… It was so appealing, we worked really hard together, planing how to free the wizarding world of this secrecy, how we could rule over the whole world, wise wizards and witches being in charge… He was totally passionate, it was so easy to follow him, it seemed so logical, it seemed to be a perfect goal to reach.'
- 'For whom was it the greater good, Professor? Why did he think that muggles could not be trusted to rule upon themselves? We are just as flawed as they are. Of course, there are muggles who are basically terrible, I just have to think of Alec's father. But some are great people. The worst of them are just like the worst of ours, the ones thirsty of power, the ones who believe they know the ulti-mate truth and want to impose it to others. Would this greater good have been better for Muggles, Centaurs, House-Elves, Goblins,…? Or was it the greater good only for wizard-kind. If it is the latest, then it isn't the greater good.'
- 'You seem more wise than I was at 17 years old,' Dumbledore smiled. 'Anyway, he had so much charisma, he was so talented at persuading others, I've let myself be convinced. When he was look-ing at me with his piercing blue eyes, I was feeling so strong that nothing could have stopped me. I could have ruled the world with him.'
- 'It sounds to me like your friendship was like mine with Charlie: much more than that, but afraid to say it out loud,' Kate said softly.
- 'You might be right,' he said, a little light in his eyes. 'I made many mistakes at that time. We planed to gather the Deathly Hallows to be the masters of Death, and we were thinking about how to best reach this goal of living in broad daylight, not having to hide from muggles, ruling upon them to protect our kind. I could have followed him further, but…'
He paused a moment, Kate had the feeling she should let him time, it seemed difficult for him to go on.
- 'One day, my brother was fed up with him, I think he saw through him, and he didn't want me to leave with our sister, he said he could care for her, but he was still a student. Aberforth confronted Gellert, who answered with a Cruciatus Curse. I stepped in, I couldn't let him harm my brother. That degenerated into a fight, I don't know who was attacking or defending whom, all I know is that it resulted in our sister's death. A lost spell hit her. To this day, I still don't know who killed her, but I feel tremendously responsible for this. It was my fault if Gellert was there, I encouraged him, I made plans with him, ignoring my own family. He left the country right after this incident.
'That's how I realised how easily I can be corrupted by this thirst of power. That's why I always refused to be Minister for Magic, I was too scared of what I would do being given the power to rule over the magical world. See, I do not believe Gellert was inherently bad. Unlike Voldemort, he was capable of love and empathy, but he didn't mind doing the worst things to reach his goals. Please understand my concern about you. In many ways you remind me of him. You're both seers, really skilled at wand-less magic, occlumens, extremely intelligent, with healing abilities, great charms and transfiguration abilities, a predilection for elemental magic,…
'That you want it or not, you have this ability to talk to people, to make them rally to your ideas and follow your plans, look at how you managed escaping from school in December with three Weasleys and Lee Jordan, or how you easily convinced Thor Cromwell to change his attitude towards his fellow Slytherins, what Professor Snape didn't manage until then. You could be an extremely powerful leader, I just would like to avoid you turning into a monster.'
A lot of emotions were seen upon his face during this speech: pain, sadness, guilt, anger, fear,… He had been honest with Kate, more than he ever was.
- 'Professor, I do not seek power,' she said softly. 'I do not need anyone's approval to know that I'm powerful, to know all what I can do. When Charlie's eyes are upon me, I do not see myself ruling the world, I rather feel like I'd be powerful enough to protect all those who need protection. That's the main reason why I decided to prepare for this war. I know my magic is powerful, I know I have abilities that few possess, and I want to use them to fight those who want to bring more hatred, pain, death, fear or slavery into our world.
'I believe we all should be free to rule upon ourselves, make the decisions that are right for us. And I believe the best way to achieve that what is right for oneself is right for most is by teaching everyone about equality, fairness, about the fact that differences do not mean that someone is less worthy. I don't believe we have a right to confine Centaurs to always smaller territories, nor that we should abuse House-Elves. Of course we have to protect our ways of life, but I'm convince we can do so by respecting everyone. Who are we to criticise muggles because of their prejudice against us, or against other races, when we are having our own here?
'See, Professor, I don't want to be a leader. I'm happy to work for you, to help you plan along, but you are the leader, you are gathering followers and endorsing responsibility. However, I know you won't live forever, I know that maybe some day, after you passed away, another Dark Wizard will come and will pose a threat to our world again. And I will probably be the one that will take on the role of organising an effective resistance. Simply because my abilities make that I feel I have a responsibility towards our world. I can't say I will let others deal with something like that when I know I'm the most able to fight it.
'I'm not scared of power, I simply don't want it. And I don't mean the power of my magic, just the power of deciding for our world. I'll be a leader if – when – I'll have to, but it's nothing I seek. And something I will gladly give away when the problem will be solved to go back in the shadow. I would rather have a quiet life, spent helping as many as I can to develop into the best version of themselves.'
- 'Maybe it's the ones who do not seek power who are best suited for it, and we could need leaders like you,' thought Dumbledore aloud. 'I should not be trusted with power, I proved it back then.'
- 'But you were having power as the leader of the Order of the Phoenix. And you will have it again. Maybe your weakness wasn't only power, but your feelings for a man who wanted power even more than you, regardless of how he could obtain it. You are wise, you could have paid attention not to fall for the same mistakes and be a great Minister.'
Dumbledore stared at Kate silently for a moment.
- 'I guess you were right when you told Alec we don't really heal from the people we loved.'
- 'I was thinking of Sina, Alec's mother, Professor Snape and Lily Potter…' she whispered
- 'And now you can add me, my sister and a young foreign wizard. I will always carry this feeling that I am responsible for what happened.'
- 'Is that why I was feeling guilt around the memory of your sister when I managed to enter your mind during my evaluation?'
- 'I think so,' he nodded. Then he looked at the hour. 'I think it's too late to start anything else now, you can go.'
- 'Professor,' she started, 'thank you for trusting me.'
There was still one hour before dinner, enough time to work, but Kate thought he probably wasn't in a good state of mind for working after this conversation. He went through very personal and painful moments of his past and shared them with her, trying to warn her against the dangers she could meet. She was also not feeling like working, she went to the Great Hall already, sat down and started to write a long letter to Charlie. She didn't talk about the private part of Dumbledore's story, but she wrote about what was happening when she was angry, and how bad she was feeling knowing that she could have hurt him, or that she could hurt his brothers. She was feeling like a potential danger to everyone around her and was considering putting distance between her and her friends to avoid anything bad happening. She also talked about Dumbledore's warning, how he pointed out that she was similar in many points with Grindelwald and should be careful not to follow his path. She also wrote all what she answered him.
When she was done, she closed the envelope. Muninn wasn't back from Romania yet, she didn't want to ask Dumbledore to borrow an owl again, so she packed the envelope with the other letters she wrote, hoping that Charlie would soon send the owl back. Then Kate sat there, alone in the Great Hall, obsessing about the potential danger her emotions were. The table slowly filled with food as the first students came in for dinner, Fred and George were part of them and were surprised to see the young witch there.
- 'Why are you already here?' Fred asked.
- 'Why didn't you join us if you were done early with Dumbledore?' wondered George.
- 'I needed time alone,' she said in a low voice.
- 'What's up?' asked George immediately.
- 'Well… I think I should spend less time with you.'
- 'Why? You better have a good reason for that, you know…' Fred said, trying to sound relaxed.
- 'I'm dangerous. There are things happening when I'm angry for example, on which I have no control what so ever. I don't want to take the risk to hurt you.'
- 'But we're not making you angry,' said George in a comforting voice.
- 'It doesn't matter. If I'm angry at someone else and you're beside me, I don't know what can happen. Dumbledore doesn't know how to help me with that. He says I have to learn to control my emotions, but I don't know how. I have no idea what's happening when I'm angry. Until now, it didn't have any consequences, but my anger needs only once to take me over and it might be horrible. I just don't want to hurt you, I –'
- 'Kate, this isn't a good reason. At all!' said Fred firmly.
- 'He's right. If anyone has a chance to help you calm down, it's us. We're not scared of you, even if you start a storm in the Common Room. That would make some animation,' George continued.
- 'Indeed. And I'm sure everything inside of you knows how important we are for you. No matter how angry you are, you won't hurt us.'
- 'This is definitely no reason to spend less time with us. We take the risk,' concluded George.
Kate didn't say anything any more. She ate in silence as Fred and George were trying to lift her mood, without real effects for once. At some point, she had the feeling to be observed, she lifted her head, looked around, and saw Snape staring at her. She instantly went in his mind.
'I need to talk to you, could we meet tonight?' she asked.
'Aren't you supposed to work with Benson?'
'I'll tell him I don't feel well and we should report to Thursday. I don't think I look like someone feeling good anyway.'
'I'll be waiting for you in my office, make sure not to be seen.'
After dinner, when Fred and George left for their quidditch practice, Kate went to Alec. She asked him if it would be all right if they rather worked that Thursday, the young boy agreed without difficulties, seeing that her friend wasn't doing well. She pretended she would go to bed early. She went to the bathroom after leaving the Great Hall, there she used the disillusionment spell upon herself and went to Snape's office. She knocked, entered and it's only after closing the door behind her that she made herself visible again. Snape didn't say anything.
- 'I guess I should tell you why I wanted to talk to you. Recently, each time I'm angry, some strange things are happening. There's wind building up, tension as if a thunderstorm was about to start, it seems like I'm taller, darker and downright scary according to the people there. Professor Dumble-dore said the only thing I can do is learning to control my emotions, but I really don't know how to do that. I don't even notice what is happening, and I'm afraid it might end badly some day. I thought that maybe, you could be able to help me with that. I mean, being able to lie to Voldemort like you did, without him noticing...'
- 'I don't know if I can help you. I rather hide my emotions more than I control them.'
- 'It must require some kind of control. I don't think it's possible to hide an emotion that is at its peak, completely overwhelming. You probably have a way to keep them at a level that allows you to hide them.'
- 'Maybe, I don't know. I never thought about it. Why don't you ask Professor McGonagall?'
- 'Because I don't see how I could tell her my problem without saying it's happening since I started practising wand-less and elemental magic, what I shouldn't tell anyone. Listen, I'm terrified I could hurt the people around me because of that, I'm thinking about not spending time with Fred and George any more. That will be tricky, they won't like it. But I feel like I could be a danger for them, because I have no control at all and I don't know how to gain it.'
He stared at her silently, trying to make a decision.
- 'That will not be easy, and you will have to do something really stupid to ensure long term detention with me.'
- 'I can also come here undetected, like I did tonight.'
- 'Aren't you supposed to work with Benson every Tuesday evening because it's the day the Weasley twins are practising quidditch? How would you get away from them on other days to come here?'
- 'True. What could justify long term detention?'
- 'Be creative, your best friends should have given you ideas already. You shouldn't go away from them. They will probably be more beneficial to you than you could be detrimental for them. You should go back to your Common Room now, I'm not supposed to have someone in detention today, if anyone is coming and finds you here, we will be in troubles.'
- 'Thank you, Professor. I know it's not comfortable for you to work with me, I wanted to let you know that I'm truly thankful for your help,' she said before using the disillusionment charm again.
Snape nodded and she swiftly left the office to go back to her Common Room. It was still early, but she didn't feel like practising at all. She removed the charm in a secret passage before arriving to the portrait of the Fat Lady. Once inside, she sat down in a corner, tried to work, but she couldn't focus at all.
- 'Kate, are you all right?' asked Katie who came closer. 'You're never here so early, and you haven't turned a page of your book in like half an hour.'
- 'I'm just worried, I guess.'
- 'Why are you worried?'
- 'Because of what happened yesterday, when I was upset with Emma.'
- 'The wind and all? But you stopped it just as you started it…'
- 'That's the point, I didn't started it. At least not consciously. If it wasn't for Wood and Ainsworth telling me to calm down, I wouldn't even have noticed. That freaks me out.'
- 'I see. Is there any way I can help you?'
- 'I don't think so. I wish I could talk to Charlie, but I even can't send him my letter, Muninn is not back yet. So I won't have an answer from him before weeks. It's so frustrating.'
At that moment, a golden light flashed in the Common Room and Fawkes appeared, he landed on Kate's lap.
- 'What are you doing here, Fawkes?' she whispered, stroking its head.
The bird looked at her, she went in its mind, and she nearly cried when she realised the bird proposed her to carry her mail to Charlie. She searched for her letters in her bag, quickly wrote 'urgent' on the last one and gave them to the Phoenix.
- 'Thank you so much, Fawkes,' she breathed as the bird started flying, just before it disappeared in another golden flash.
- 'What's that about?' asked Katie.
- 'It's Fawkes, Dumbledore's Phoenix. He proposed me to bring my letters to Charlie. Phoenix can apparate anywhere within seconds.'
- 'That's cool. But why did he came to you if it's Dumbledore's bird?'
- 'I don't know. It's strange.'
- 'Are you already done with your homework?' asked Katie
- 'Yeah, I always do my homework during meal time, I was done after lunch today. It's just to keep time to work on other things in the evening, but I don't really feel like working tonight.'
- 'Great. I'm done with homework too, maybe we can chat. Both Angelina and Alicia are in the team now, so I have my whole evening for you.'
The two girls talked together until the quidditch players came back. After changing clothes, all four – Angelina, Alicia, Fred and George – sat down with Kate and Katie for the hour that was left until they had to go to their Astronomy lesson. When they left, Katie decided to go to bed, Kate was about to follow her when Fawkes came back in a blast of golden light. The bird was carrying a letter.
- 'I guess I'll stay a bit longer, then. Have a good night, Katie,' said Kate, lifting her left arm for the bird to land.
- 'Good night, Kate. I hope his answer will help you.'
She took the letter, thanking Fawkes profusely, then the bird disappeared just as he came in. The Common Room was empty now, she sat down by the fireplace and started reading.
"Hi Kate,
I was really surprised to see Fawkes coming again, I only read the letter on which you wrote 'urgent'. I needed a while to answer, though. I wish I could be there to help you feel better, but of course it's not possible. This feeling that you might have hurt me, or that you might hurt Fred and George seems to really scare you. A part of me is really worried for you, and the other one a bit upset. I mean, I know you would never hurt me, even if you were really mad at me for whatever reason. Because deep inside yourself, more than anything else, you know how much you care for me. It's the same for Fred and George. And frankly, even if you could have hurt me, do you really think it's relevant for me? Let me remind you that I chose to work with dragons, beasts that could kill me any time. So what if I'm caught in a thunderstorm or a heavy storm? Do you believe it would scare me? I'm sure it doesn't scare my brothers either. They tried to go to the Forbidden Forest in the middle of the night, there they could have faced an army of angry Acromantulas, werewolves, anything that could have killed them.
That was for the upsetting part. In short, I don't care if you maybe could be dangerous, what I don't think is the case anyway. And then the worries. I always worried a bit that you worked with really difficult magic that was probably not for someone your age, but I guess it's too late now to stop. I'm afraid that you will try to put yourself aside, when I believe it's your friends who can help you deal with it for now. I mean, as long as they are around you, they can make you notice when you start losing control, so you can pay attention and get it back. They are your best allies for this. I hope Fred and George will not let you a chance to get away and be alone. That would be the worst thing to do. Seriously.
Now you also talked about Grindelwald. I don't know much about him, I must say. It seems like Dumbledore has reasons to tell you about him, if you really share so many abilities, it's maybe good that you are warned of a direction that could be easy to take. I don't think you would ever take that path, though, and you told him quite clearly. It's all a matter of choices, look at Dumbledore, he's at least as powerful as You-Know-Who, yet he took the opposite way and was fighting him. However, just like Dumbledore, I'd tell you not to try this spell with protective fire. But I know you, if you're decided, there's nothing I can say that would make you change your mind, so… At least, promise me to be careful.
I sent Muninn back something like a week ago, I guess he should arrive soon. Could you send potions again? I have for maybe three weeks left, but if you send him back without, I fear I'll not have enough before the next time you can send some.
I don't know if my answer is in any way helpful for you, I wish I could be there with you, so we could talk about it, and I could take you in my arms until you relax and you believe me when I say you are not a danger for us. If you need to, you can try to come in my mind, I'll pay attention tonight. I will read your other letters and answer when Muninn will come back next time.
Take care of you, Kate. I need to know you're doing fine.
With Love
Charlie."
Kate read the letter three times, trying to fix the words 'you are not a danger for us' in her mind. Then she put her focus on Charlie, eyes closed, breathing deeply, and softly she said 'thank you for your quick answer.'
- 'I hope it helps you at least a little,' he answered.
- 'I hope it will. All this just brought back the memory of McGonagall being worried that I might blow you up. In a way she was right, I could have been dangerous.'
- 'Yet you weren't. You're really kind and loving, even if you can defend yourself. You were always so understanding and supportive with me. I do not see how you could hurt me, except… Well, except if you're hurting yourself. This would hurt me tremendously. I feel horrible when I know you're distressed. I remember this unbearable feeling I got when I saw you blemish on the bed in the Hospital Wing after the duelling club. That's the only way you can hurt me. Because I know you won't do anything to hurt me physically. And I'm pretty sure it's the same for my brothers. They feel bad when you feel bad, they thrive when you do, you're a unity together. I know they'll do all they can to support you.'
- 'Maybe you're right. It was absolutely not planned that Fawkes brings you my letters, he just appeared in the Common Room and proposed me to do so. Anyway, I guess I should let you sleep if I don't want you have a stupid accident tomorrow. I'll send potions as soon as Muninn's back. Thank you for being there for me.'
- 'Thank you for still caring for me.'
- 'Be careful, will you? I don't think I'd be able to cope if something happened to you. I love you.'
- 'I will be careful. I love you too.'
And Kate came back to herself. She was feeling both better and sad. This kind of mental conversation with so much distance was extremely demanding in energy, and even if it was good to feel really close again, it was nearly as if he was there, but he wasn't. When the conversation was over, the feeling of missing him was hitting hard. She packed the letter in her bag, wanted to stand up, but she felt dizzy, so she sat back and closed her eyes briefly.
Or so she thought. Fred and George woke her up when they came back from their Astronomy lesson. They were worried to see her sleeping there and asked her if she was also afraid to be a danger for the girls sharing her dormitory.
- 'No, I just had a conversation with Charlie. It's exhausting to reach the mind of someone so far away, and stay actively connected for so long. When I was done, I felt dizzy, so I thought I would close my eyes a minute. Obviously it was longer,' she said, trying to smile while yawning.
- 'Was it helpful?' George asked as kindly as he could.
- 'I hope. We'll see when I'm awake again, like tomorrow morning.'
- 'Can you stand up, now? Or should we go to Madam Pomfrey?' asked Fred.
Kate stood up, not really steady on her feet. George caught her under the arm before she fell back in the armchair.
- 'Are you sure you'll be all right?' he asked.
- 'Yeah, I'm just really sleepy,' Kate chuckled.
She took her bag and the twins walked with her to the stairs leading to her dormitory.
- 'We can't go further without waking up the whole House, so… Be careful,' said Fred.
- 'I know, the alarm. Thank you. Good night,' she answered before hugging them.