Chapter 9: President-Elect Hershel Greene
Over the next year, Hershel campaigned his lying ass off! His campaign started off as a small, grassroots movement but soon tumbled into a massive, nationwide phenomenon! On the debate stage, Hershel verbally kicked everyones' asses and was quickly appointed the nominee of the Democratic party. President Richard Martinez debated Hershel only once and refused to attend the other two debates… he knew he stood no chance against his opponent when Hershel pointed out that he underpaid his chef, who happened to be African American. On Election day, Hershel won all 538 electoral votes and won 200 million votes total. The only person who voted for President Martinez was himself. It is now inauguration day; Hershel could not be happier. Little does he know, today is going to be the worst day of his political life.
Hershel was so fucking humbeled to see that everyone from his school was in the crowd during his inauguration ceremony. His vice president-elect, Simon Nelson-Cook "Cookie", patted him on the back. "The whole school came to cheer us on man. We fucking did it dude!" Hershel was overtaken by the love he felt from his people. "Not only that Cook, the whole damn world came to cheer us on too!" He pointed to the front of the crowd. Every influential world leader and UN member stood on the sidelines and roared with approval. Hershel was so touched. He knew that the speech came after he'd been sworn in, but he just had to say something right fucking now. As he hobbled on over to the podium, a familiar face patted him on the shoulder, signaling the elderly "black" man to move aside. Hershel looked up and gasped. "Holy mother fucking fuck, it's Obama!" Obama gleefully smiled. "Uhhh, don't worry Hershel. I'm gonna warm the crowd up for you."
Obama looked at the billions of people attending this event and took in a fresh breath of air. "Uhhhhh, my fellow Americans. For as long as our country has stood tall and proud, we have unfortunately ignored a dark truth about our history. While the uhhhhh, land of the free holds true for a majority of Americans, the black population has struggled to be seen as equal to the white population. When I became president, I was convinced that I'd single handedly end racism." He looked down at the crowd and sighed. " As awesome as my eight years were, I couldn't do enough for black Americans. I thought all hope was lost when America replaced me with the person who literally said I was born in Kenya, but after those four years…." He looked at Hershel and smiled. "You decided to amend your mistake and elect another black person! Hershel, you truly are a voice for black America, and this nation as a whole. If there was anyone I could call my brother…" Obama started to choke up. "I hereby make you an honorary Obama and bestow my highest blessing upon you. Ladies and gentleman, please, uhhh, give it up for your next commander in chief, Hershel Greene!"
Back at his home in Georgia, Thanos was chillin' like a Marvel villain. He was off work today and decided to spend his day scrolling through TikTok, wearing his favorite My Little Pony footie pjs, and hangin' with his oldest friend, Goofy. While Thanos was using the app that was almost banned 100 times, Goofy was flipping through channels. "Goofy look at these crazy dances on TikTok!" Goofy laughed. "Haha Thanos, fuck that! I'm gonna watch some Deadliest Catch instead!" As Goofy was trying to find the Discovery channel, he accidentally turned on the news. "Hey, it's Obama! And hey! It's Hershel!" Thanos dropped his phone in shock. He had not seen or heard from Hershel since he was eliminated from Total Drama Island. He quickly turned his head to face the TV. "Hershel!? Why is he on TV?!" Goofy replied to Thanos. "Gee Thanos, have ya been livin' under a rock or somethin'? Hershel's boutta become president!" Thanos was confused as shit, but something he noticed made him think. Hershel was black, and to Thanos, that meant that Hershel cared about Black Lives Matter.
"It seems as though Hershel has become black. I must speak with him. I must set things right! Goofy! I'm going to Washington D.C.! Get all of The Boys and meet me there!" Goofy smiled. "Okie Dokie Thanos!"
Hershel gave an opened mouth smile at his countless adoring fans and knew that today was his day. Although there were a few clouds in the sky, Hershel felt that everything was going to be alright...but it was only a feeling.
As Hershel was about to speak, a droplet of rain fell from the sky and trickled down his forehead. Mildly frustrated, he moved his arm up and wiped the droplet from his brow. He took a glance at his arm with complete shock and horror, literally saying in front of every American watching, "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!" His arm was now covered in a moist, brown residue that matched his recent sin tone. The crowd gasped, America's sweetheart had said naughty word, and that was no good. Hershel started freaking out and began to sweat profusely. He wiped the sweat with his sleeve that now looked like used toilet paper. Everyone in the audience was mortified at what they saw. Their black savior, a voice for a silent minority, was actually an old white dude. It was apparent now that Hershel was never actually black. He was smeared with chocolate that was now starting to melt off of him. No one could believe just how white this supposed black man was.
A drop of chocolate from Hershel's face fell into his agaped mouth. "The fuck?! CHOCOLATE?! I...I THOUGHT I WAS CURSED!" Obama shouted with his booming Obama-voice at the old white dude. "YOU THINK BEING BLACK IS A CURSE?!" Hershel backed away. Not realising that his crutches were in the back of the limo with the secret service, he collapsed. Every attendant briefly left the area to go to the inaugural merch table to purchase pitchforks and lit torches. They came charging at the stage. Hershel closed his eyes and accepted the cruel hand fate was about to deal him.
Just then, a flash of purple light erupted in front of him. Standing in front of the defenseless cripple was Thanos. The titan lifted Hershel into his arms and coddled him. "It's okay Hershel, I've got you." Hershel grabbed on to his ex lover and cried, "Oh God, Thanny I'm sorry. I seriously thought I was like you. I know everything about black culture now. Everything. I understand." Thanos wiped a tear from Hershel's cheek. "Babe, that is all I ever needed to hear from you. That you understand." They then shared a magical, passionate, slobbery kiss. Afterwards, the crowd began screaming and charging at the couple. Thanos stepped in front of Hershel and said "Don't worry babe, me and The Boys got this."
Just then, seemingly out of nowhere, Karl Urban's character from Amazon Prime's The Boys shot about 10 people with his shotgun. "That's right ya cunts! We're back! And we're not racist anymore!" Emo Peter swung into action with Yoda on his back. As Emo Peter began webbing people to the ground, he said out loud to Yoda, "Alright green guy, get em!" Yoda then began cutting people in half with his famed lightsaber. "Mmmm… feels good to kill again it does!" Ser Davos was driving his car through the crowd. While Goody was playing on his DS in the back, Negan stuck his head out of the window and began hitting people with Lucile like they were mailboxes."HELL YEAH! LEAVE HERSHEL ALONE YA RED, WHITE, AND BLUE, BUT MOSTLY RED FUCKS!" On the other side of the car, Stevie Wonder stuck his head out of the window and was hitting people with a keytar. Gandalf was in the center of the crowd, flailing about and fighting people off like they were walkers. He was swinging his sword and staff around like the Star Wars Kid from the early days of Youtube. "Black or white, Hershel is our friend!" Finally, Wilson Fisk belly flopped onto Barack Obama, killing him instantly. "Hehe, I've always dreamt of doing that!"
Negan shouted to Thanos and Hershel as the fight was taking place. "We got this big man. Get Hershel to safety and go!" Thanos made a portal with the gauntlet and was about to leave, but was interrupted by Ser Davos. "One more thing laddie," he called out to his leader. "It's gonna be a big day for you tomorrow. I hope you're ready to get married again…also I'm not much of a fighter." Thanos blushed as he walked into the portal, holding his one true love in his arms. Racism was finally over, Thanos was in love again, and he was about to be the luckiest purple titan on Earth.