(TW: Drugs, Violence, Shooting)
Matteo didn't stay long after our conversation. He claimed he had errands that he needed to run the next day and wanted to make sure he had plenty of sleep. Jimmy called him a few choice words, making sure he felt emasculated for wanting to leave the "party." Part of me wanted to say something, but I wasn't there to express my concerns. I was there to be a pretty face for Jimmy, or at least that was what he thought. It was a slow night. An hour had passed and in that time all the trio had done was drink, with the occasional grope on Jimmy's part. He asked several times if I wanted drinks as well. I eventually accepted one and made sure to only occasionally sip on it to keep from being offered more. Jimmy's phone buzzed at one point and when the others asked him what it was, he told them it was just a Facebook notification. I was starting to think this was all a waste, and that maybe Matteo had misinterpreted Jimmy's words. That was until they broke out the cocaine. The two men on the couch cut lines using their credit cards, and when they tried to give Jimmy the bag, he held up a hand in refusal. The men were taken aback at first but quickly went back to what they were doing. While they snorted, Jimmy shifted under me and trailed messy kisses down my neck. Two things poked at me, one at my thigh and the other at my hip. When I realized the second was his gun, I shuttered. I turned and put a hand on his chest. With a shaky voice and a faux smile, I asked, "Could you maybe put the gun somewhere else? Guns make me nervous.
"Of course. I wouldn't wanna make you nervous." With that, he put the gun on the table, right in front of us so I could have a clear view of it. Like he was trying to send a message. His teeth felt like fangs against my ear. "How 'bout we take this to the bedroom? You go first and wait for me while I get ready." He nudged me to a nearby door.
"S-sure," I replied, my heart in my throat. I did as I was told. Behind the door was an even messier room, a sorry excuse for a bedroom. There was a pile of clothes in a corner that I wasn't sure were clean or dirty, blankets hanging off the side of the bed, and more clothes shoved into his open closet. His tv was on and playing some reality tv show on mute, and there was a questionable stain on his mattress. Upon further inspection, I found that his dresser and nightstand had several framed pictures of Jimmy and Matteo. I picked up one of the pictures on the nightstand and studied it. It contained a young Matteo at about sixteen or seventeen and Jimmy holding a piece of paper together. The photo was fuzzy and the room was dim, so I had to really squint to see what it was. My veins turned to ice when I recognized that it was none other than an adoption certificate.
When I heard Jimmy's heavy footsteps I quickly put the picture down and sat on the bed, doing my best to avoid the stain. He came in and closed the door behind him; he didn't appear any different than before, which confused me. I played it off saying, "You and Matteo seem to be close."
"I would do anything for that boy," he responded. "I adopted him just after my sister died in a car crash, God bless her."
"That must've been hard."
"It was, but we made it. He thinks of me as his father, and he tells me everything." Jimmy came to stand over me. He reached out a hand and traced the chain of the necklace. Stopping at the gem he said, "You know...you're so beautiful for a…"
"For a hooker?" I finished.
His eyes grew hard and his lip twitched. "No. You're so beautiful for a cop." Before I could move, he tore the necklace away from me with his one hand, and with the other, he pointed the barrel of his gun at my forehead.
The drumming of my heart was deafening in my ears. "How did you-"
"I just said my boy tells me everything," he interrupted. "Dumb bitch."
When the sound of the front door resounded throughout the house, he grabbed me by the hair and took me out to the living room with his gun still trained on me. We were surrounded by guns, all pointing our way. Liv must have called for back up when things had started to get messy. The other two men were already in cuffs, but no one was moving. Liv met my eye, and while she was doing her best to stay emotionless, I could see a sense of fear come over her.
"Jimmy put the gun down," she warned. "You're outnumbered. Things are not going to end well for you."
He laughed. "Of course they ain't, but I could care less. I'd rather die than rot in a prison cell. You know what they do to rapists in there?" With his hand still in my hair, he forced my head back and shoved the gun under my chin, hard enough to bruise. I tried not to whine. "But if I'm going, so is she. So think twice before you try to shoot me."
"I've got kids," I whispered because, surprise, it's not easy to breathe with a gun digging into your throat.
"What's that?" He growled, shaking me around like a ragdoll. "What did you say?"
"I said I've got kids! Two girls...one just started school…and the other can't even talk yet…" I hated myself for allowing tears to slip out and fall down my face with everyone watching me, but I couldn't help it. I was scared. "Don't put them through what Matteo had to go through...Kids need their mother…"
"Kids also need some kinda father, and after tonight Matteo ain't gonna have nobody. Why should I let my boy suffer while your girls get to be happy? Why should I take pity on kids I don't even know?"
"If you let my detective go, your nephew won't have to suffer," Liv told him. "Even if you go to prison at least you'll still be alive. He'll be able to visit you."
"No way am I gonna let you cage me up like an animal."
"Then stop acting like one. Show a little humanity and let her go."
From behind the circle of police, one of Jimmy's friends said, "Come on, man, this isn't worth it! We won't let anything happen to you in prison, just drop the gun!"
"You should listen to your friend." This time it was Kat who spoke.
"Shut up!" Jimmy yelled. "I'm in control here! Now, stop talking!" He gestured to the men holding Jimmy's friends. "Get them out of here." The officers did as they were told. When he told everyone else to leave, they did, but my team refused to go. "I thought I said scram."
Liv shook her head. "We can't do that. Not without my detective."
Fin, who had been quiet the whole time, said, "How 'bout you just let her go, and no one has to get hurt."
Jimmy moved the gun from my chin, only to bring my face back down and push it against the soft skin on my temple, once again leaving a mark. "I've got a better idea. How about all of you put your guns down, or I blow out her brains?"
"That's not happening," Kat said with a shake of her head.
Before anyone could move, he tilted the Baretta just high enough and long enough to shoot at the ceiling. The blast from the gun made everyone flinch, and I could almost feel the air coming off the whizzing bullet. "Just do what he said!" I cried out. I could hardly hear myself over the ringing in my ears. My body shook violently against him, my skin feeling as though it were covered by a layer of ice.
When the others recovered, Liv was the first to unload her gun and put it on the floor. Though she looked slightly blurry through my tear-filled eyes, I could tell that something had come over her. She no longer looked like Olivia Benson; she was but a shell. While I didn't know what was going through her mind, I could tell that she was overcome with horror and for the first time unsure of what to do. The others followed her and kicked their guns away. After, Liv ran her fingers through her long wavy hair. "Just let her go," she murmured in a voice so throaty and broken it brought fresh tears to my eyes. "Please. Anything you want, it's yours." She began talking through clenched teeth. "Money, a car, a helicopter, passports, anything. But I can't lose her."
There was a vile smirk in Jimmy's voice when he replied, "Why do you care so much? Can't you just get another detective?" He was getting off on her fear.
"Yes, she can be replaced as a detective, but not as a mother, as a friend, as a…" She trailed off, words failing her.
"And she's their friend too?" He nodded towards the others, and they silently agreed. "Then why aren't they speaking up? Why is it just you?"
"Because they're scared."
"And you're not?"
"Of course I am! Is that what you want to hear!? Do you want me to tell you how much I care about her and how I'm scared to death that this isn't going to end well? Do you want me to get on my knees and beg you to spare her? Because I'll do it. I'll humiliate myself to save her. Hell, I'd kill myself to save her." She swiped a hand under her eye and let out a long breath. "Why kill a measly detective when you can kill a captain?"
"This has nothing to do with her being a damn detective!" Jimmy yelled, his spit spraying onto the side of my face. "I did rape that Trixie bitch! Along with three others! I did it because I'm a man, and I can do whatever I want! Matteo is a man too, but he's too much of a coward to take what he deserves! He lets women walk all over him, but no more! After they hear what I did to this cop, they'll give Matteo any and everything just so they won't end up dead too! I already know I'm done for." As he spoke, he drew a bottle of pills from his pocket and popped open the lid. He ate them as if they were candy, stuffing his mouth with a handful. "I'm going to the grave, but I'm taking her with me." He knocked me upside the head, not hard enough to render me unconscious but enough to cause my brain to rattle in my skull, which made me lose control of my body. He pried my mouth open and inserted another handful of chalky pills before putting a hand over my mouth and nose to keep me from breathing. I did my best to struggle against him and keep myself from swallowing.
"Son of a bitch!" Liv yelled and sprinted towards us, but all Jimmy had to do was put the gun to her forehead to stop her. I could see her eyes moving rapidly, deciding whether or not she wanted to risk a bullet to the head trying to wrestle the gun away from her.
Jimmy leaned forward, brushing his dry lips against my ear. In a voice low enough so that only I would hear he said, "You know what I'm capable of. Now you have a choice to make. Your life, or your captain's? And after what I just witnessed, I know you'll make the right one." He laughed, "I can almost smell the sexual tension between you two."
I glanced over at Liv, feeling lightheaded from the lack of air. Her eyes were pleading. "Don't do it, Amanda," she breathed. "That's an order."
I suppose Carisi was right when he said that I was never one to follow rules or orders. I closed my eyes so that I wouldn't have to watch Liv's expression. The pills felt like dusty rocks as they tumbled down my throat, and when they came back up I had to swallow them again, tasting sour bile as I did so. Jimmy let me go, shoving me into Liv's arms. I gasped for air as I dug my nails into her blazer, clinging to her for dear life. Jimmy laughed before I heard another gunshot. I screamed, my body crippling. Liv's arms bound me to her with crushing strength as she hastily informed me that it was Jimmy who had been shot because Fin had brought an extra gun. I buried her face into her neck and sobbed. She stroked my hair and repeated that everything would be okay. Suddenly, I pulled away from her.
She stared at me. "Amanda?" That's when I turned and threw up all over one of Jimmy's rugs. I then collapsed, and luckily Liv caught me before I could land in the vomit. She laid me on the ground and I rapidly blinked against the suddenly harsh light. The world was spinning. "Amanda?" I heard Liv say, but it sounded like she was on the other end of a tunnel. "Amanda!?" I knew I was convulsing before I saw the white foam spray onto the ground, next to a puddle of bright red. My brain was going haywire, and my lungs were refusing oxygen. The worst part was knowing there was nothing I could do. I could hear them all calling out for me, feel their hands on my skin, but every sensation felt so far away. "Officer down! We need a bus at…" But I didn't hear the rest of Liv's sentence. I was too busy staring off into a soft and welcoming white light.