Chapter 19 Catharsis
"This feeling's getting a bit harder to control
A place to feel completed or a place to be alone?
The rhythm of rebellion from the rattle in your bones
A sonic liberation, salvation in your headphones
Darkest disguise
Leave it at the door
Bright lights divine
(Leave your body on the floor)
Catharsis in darkness
When you can't seem to feel a thing
The absence that haunts you
Won't hurt much longer" – Catharsis, Motionless in White
Lucy says she will be returning to school to finish the year. In the end she managed to convince her mother to allow it. She is recovering. They plan to discharge her in two weeks if all goes well. Despite her acting like her normal happy self, Alex wonders how different Lucy will be. Despite the initial attraction Natalia had for the girl, she doubts it would be possible for them to be together. After the trauma, she doubted Lucy would want anything to do with sex. Or if she would even be able to. Due to infection some of the parts had to be removed. Their relationship would never get anywhere beyond friends. As much as she hated Hoffman for it a part of her knew it was her own fault.
The nightmares are getting worse. Now she often wakes struggling to breathe. Almost like having a panic attack. Part of her wonders if there is something wrong with her virus. It almost feels like her body is hurting all over, like the flames that burn her and the hands that rip her were real. Half expects to find burn marks on her body. It had taken her back a few days to heal from the latest session. The enhanced healing effect or whatever it was had worn off. Perhaps it was the drugs Natalie put into her system. Perhaps the virus itself had become worn out.
She sets up the equipment, takes a sample of her own blood. Can't see anything different. The program she was working on is almost finished. It can run analysis just fine. But the equation still remains unsolved. No matter how she tries the answer is clear- 2 does not equal 3. Her copied consciousness and that of Natalia could not result in the existence of a third consciousness. There is only one other explanation. There were 3 from the start. The only way this could be true. But it's impossible. Her old consciousness remained in her body after it reanimated. She shakes her head in denial. Her old self died. The consciousness should have died with it. There was no way it could transfer into her. And yet it's the only explanation that exists. She hesitates, then starts typing it into the program. The calculations are running.
There are two answers. One is 0. The other keeps going for a little longer. The consciousness becoming unstable after the event of death is more than 51%. If point of contact was provided possibility of transfer becomes 33%. She stares at the screen. Still not believing it. Her original concisions had somehow transferred into Natalia as well. The copy and the ordinal both existing in one host seemed impossible. Considering they both have the same memories one would simply overwrite the other. Like two identical files on a computer. And yet they both exist. Perhaps it was not a hallucination after all. Now that there is a mathematical probability of it being true.
But the two have not interfered with her life any more. The strange dreams of a hellscape is all she gets. Sometimes it's a dark hallway full of locked doors. Somebody chasing her, somebody she can't see. Sometimes she is drowning in fire. But it's still the same. The feeling of something drawing near. Some inevitable tragedy. Like all of this is coming to end. Maybe it will be death. She hopes it will be quick, painless. But deep down she knows she deserves suffering. Perhaps these dreams are Hell's way of telling her that her time is up. Not that she ever believed in any god or devil. Still unsure if there is anything beyond death. But now becoming nothing doesn't seem so bad. If there is indeed a Hell and eternal damnation awaits her.
Science was the only thing she believed. Things one could see and touch. And yet she often wondered about the ephemeral world described in literature. A world of gods and destiny and fate. In the myths the gods were selfish, arrogant, vengeful, flawed to the point they could be considered human. But those days were gone. Spencer taught them the old myths, but not religion. He idolized the old Greek Gods, wanted to be one. But in the myths the gods died. All gods disappeared in the end. All myths telling of a final battle that wiped them out. A war between gods. Ragnarok. Perhaps it is the fate of even gods to die, to vanish into myth. Then new gods and religions rise to take their place. Spencer's dream was hopeless and doomed from the start. No king rules forever, no god can reign forever. Even gods have to move with the times- change.
The current god Is 3. The Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. God is three beings that somehow fit into one- a Trinity. The old God- the father who made the world. A cruel and vengeful god that punished humanity for its sins. The Son- who died and was reborn, to die again for the sins of the world. Who could heal the sick with a single touch and bring people back from the dead. The Spirit- an aspect of god through which god communicates and acts on people.
She wonders how much Spencer was like the old god- a cruel and vengeful old man. How much Albert was his son? He died for the idea of a new world. And he certainly raised the dead as well healed people. The medicine Umbrella made did end up saving lives while the viruses and monsters they made ended up killing them. He was not a loving messiah. No he was cruel and unforgiving, just like his father. And her. She had been a ghost in the company, always working on the behalf of the old man. Following his orders, working in silence. How much of it had he planned from the start? To make them a parody of god. The Fucked Up Trinity. Did he pick these roles for them from the start? Or perhaps they all just happened to fall into them on their own accord. She wonders if there is a god, would he laugh at the spectacle Spencer arranged. He must have found it entertaining because he didn't strike them down with bolts of lightning. He didn't stop them from turning his children into flesh eating undead. He didn't stop them from hurting her. He didn't stop Albert from dying. To her the answer was simple – god did not exist. That is why Spencer tried to become one. To create one. So the world would finally have a god. A cruel, vengeful, arrogant god.
Natalie isn't picking up her phone. It's been a like that for a few days. It's driving Alex crazy. Lately she has been taking more risks than usual. Trying to see her. At least for one night she wouldn't have nightmares. They kept getting worse. She wakes up gasping for air, felling like she will suffocate because she can't remember how to breathe. Fear, panic. She wants to scream but can't. Shakes and cries and wishes Natalie was there. Wants the woman to hold her. For somebody to save and not let her die. It passes eventually but those few minutes feel like a lifetime. She isn't sure if it's the drugs or the sex or the pain but at least for one night she can sleep in peace. She realizes that in past weeks she had become reliant on Natalie. Almost like an addiction. Like something she will literally die without. She knows it sounds pathetic. Perhaps she is addicted. Perhaps the drugs make it worse. She doesn't care. No drug could last weeks. And the dreams began shortly before she met the woman. So it's probably something else. For her she is the only way to get some rest from the nightmares.
She is so desperate that she no longer cares about the rules. Claire isn't home. Gone to the gym. Alex had been observing long enough. It will take her a good four to be back. She could leave and get back just before her. And if she didn't, well does it really matter anymore?
She opens the door. Leaves and goes to the basement of what she knows to be sex shop. Natalie worked there sometimes. When she arrives there is indeed someone there but it's not her. To her surprise she finds Eliot there. He is looking pale, dark circles under his eyes. But she doesn't ask about it.
"Natalia?" he seem surprised to see her" what are you doing here?"
"Looking for someone."
"So am I" he says, talks slow as if in a daze.
"I don't suppose her name is Natalie?"
"How do you know her?"
"Not important."
"Look, you shouldn't get involved with her." he looks around as if scared of something" that woman is not right in the head. Trust me. You need to stay away from her."
"A little too late for that." She says.
Eliot says nothing else.
"I'm surprised you know her."
"I used to buy weed from her for a short while. I was low on cash one time and some guys told me there was this dealer that took "alternate payments"."
"Well it doesn't look like she's here. You know any other place she could be?" Alex asks.
"Who knows? She has\d spots all over town. "He says.
Alex is getting anxious. The feeling of despair and panic.. Slowly creeping in. Natalie not being here is making her feel like she had been abandoned again. She almost wants to cry. It's stupid she knows it. Natalie doesn't love her. Doesn't care. That is not part of their arrangement. But she wants her to. Wants to believe that she could love her. But she isn't here now. The one thing she relied on. Eliot, on the other hand is. She looks at him. He looks at her, leaning against the wall.
"I need a distraction" She says.
It takes him by surprise.
"Okay. Uh.. We can go to my place." He says, hesitates.
She sits in the car quiet. They stop near the area with the factories. He opens the door for her. They go to the small room he is staying in. Little has changed here. He takes off his jacket. Looks at her questioningly. She faces him. Determined.
"I want you to hurt me." She says.
He looks nervous.
"Uhm.. I just.. I don't really enjoy this kind of stuff, ya know." His voice is shaky.
Alex makes for the door. He sighs, defeated.
"Alright. I'll see what I can do."
She begins undressing. Wondering if she made a mistake this time. Eliot wasn't Natalie. He couldn't make her pain go away. He doesn't understand her. He can't hurt her like Natalie does. Maybe she should just leave.
He takes of his hoodie and t-shirt he was wearing under it. Takes the belt out of his pants. Goes over to some clothes tossed on a chair. Takes another belt. He ties her hands behind her back. The look on his face is one of pure concentration. He bound her tight. She can't get free. He pushes her down to the mattress. She falls losing her balance. He adjust her, so she is on her stomach. Curls her legs so her lower half is more raised. He folds the belt, then brings it down on her ass. It actually hurts. No gag or blind fold, no drugs. But she closes her eyes out of habit. Another hit. To her thigh this time. It's wider than the whip. And while it doesn't break skin it hurts all the same. He hits her again, over the same spot. It hurts a lot more. She cries out a little. Thankfully he doesn't stop.
She is reminded of the spankings back at the orphanage. The sound of the belt hitting skin. The smell of leather. And suddenly she feels like that scared little girl again. Back at the Latin class. The teacher bending her over his knee. She struggled to learn. She made a mistake. It was the first time. The first of many. It was terrifying. She had liked the class before this. She was only seven. One mistake and the kind teacher she liked turned into something to be feared. He made the class watch as he beat her. She cried and screamed. Terrified. Having never felt anything like this before.
The memory surfaces. So vivid. So fresh. Even after all these years it still hurts. She hated Latin even since then, and anything that sounded similar to it, like French. Another hit, to her arms this time. To her back. She bites her lip, tears flowing down her face. A sob threatening to escape. Deep down she thought it was unfair. Deep down she thought she didn't deserve it. It was just one small mistake. It was unfair. But she would say anything to make it stop. Like she had learned to do later.
"I'm sorry" she whispers.
Repeats it over in hear head. Feeling like a child again, being punished for misbehaving. The ego breaks, slowly, painfully, like it did back then. It hurts more on the inside. Then comes the surrender. She did deserve this. It was her fault. She did make a mistake after all. Something she shouldn't have done. As the resistance fades, and the laughing voices in head die. They did laugh at her, not because they wanted to. But because they were encouraged. They would be punished if they didn't. the realization hit her back then. She was not untouchable, she was not above them. Just like the rest. And then she burned with anger, a desire to be better, to be the one watching and laughing and not the one being punished. That rage and arrogance that fueled her. her cruelty was born that day.
It unravels like a thread. She had never felt this with Natalie before. The feelings of guilt surface, take over. She doesn't even realize when she starts crying for real. The realization of the truth, she had repressed all these years. It wasn't fair. It wasn't deserved. It was a manipulation, just like everything had been.
Eliot stops. Unties her. She doesn't notice. Broken down into full on sobs. Her kneel beside her. Rubs her back gently.
"I'm. .rry."
"It's okay." Says. Pulls her against his chest.
She isn't even sure why she is crying anymore. The tears just won't stop. She's never cried this much with Natalie. Somehow Eliot was able to truly break her. She struggles to catch her breath, sobbing into his chest. The embrace is comforting. Natalie never held her like this. Natalie just fucked her right after. Slowly she begins to calm. Suddenly feeling embarrassed that she broke down like this at all.
"It's alright." She hears him say. "Let it all go."
She hides her face in the crook of his neck. Thinking how ugly she must look right now. But she also feels exhausted. The wave of emotion leaving her drained and yet it also brought a strange feeling of relief.
"Lay down. I won't go anywhere."
The invitation seem so inviting. She lays down, feels him place a pillow under her head. He lays down next to her. Pull the covers over them both. It's warm, it feels good.
She realizes she has drifted off to sleep when she begins to wake. It's dark in the room now. But her eyes don't want to fully open. She doesn't want to get out of bed. Something smells nice. So nice. She knows that smell. It smells like Him. She rolls over on the other side. Half expecting to see him asleep next to her. But in a moment of clarity she opens her eyes. Eliot is stirring next to her. He grunts in between sleep and waking. She embraces him. Still feeling the hint of that smell. Her hands move down his muscular chest. Down to his abdomen. He is aroused. She feels it. She still owes him. Might as well return the favor. And if she can get some fun out of it all the better.
She slips her hand into his jeans, so loose without the belt to keep them on. He seems thinner than she remembers. Runs her hand down his length. Feels him pressing into her touch. Squeezes. Hears him groan. Moves her enclosed fist up. Slowly. Runs the thumb over the tip. Teases. Slides down. He tries to rock his hips to get some friction. She begins teasing herself with her other hand. A few more slow strokes. She feels herself grow wet. Pulls away. Let's go of him. He is desperate to get her back. Tossing and turning. She maneuvers him onto his back. Pulls off his pants. Straddles him. The covers slide of in the process. It's the cold that wakes him. She sees him open his eyes, and for a fracture of a second they almost look red.
"wha.. Natalia?"
"You were making noise in your sleep." She gives him another stroke." So figured I'd take care of your little problem.
He moans a little from her touch.
"Hold on. Just give me a moment. "He breathes.
She stops. Moves away from him. A little surprised. He goes to the bathroom. She hears him cough violently. Recalls him looking pale. Wonders if he's sick.
"Are you alright?" She questions when he comes out.
"Yeah. I'm fine." He says, breathing fast and shallow.
Takes a bottle of water and drinks.
"It's just I've been having these horrible dreams lately."
"From the way you were moaning it sounded like it was nice." She teases.
He blushes a little.
"Yeah, well it get's weird. Forget about it. I'm good to go."
He kisses her. Touches her. Gentle. Too gentle. Even when he takes her. No matter how good it feels, it's not enough. She feels like she is hanging on the edge but not able to get over it. Natalie's treatment of her was probably responsible. In her mind she cursed the woman for this. She tries to get herself there but it's still not enough. She feels Eliot finish. He seems to catch on. Feels his fingers move inside her. She is rocking against him, panting but unable to let go of herself. She needs the pain.
"Hurt me." Her mouth moves but she is too out of breath to make sounds.
Then she feels him bite down on her shoulder. Still not quite enough. He removes his fingers from her and she whines at the loss. But then she feels him enter her again. Already hard again. He is being brutal now.. Merciless with the pace. She is almost there, she feels it. The he puts his hands around her neck. Squeezes. She gasps for air. Eyes already watering from the desperate need. She looks up at him. And His eyes look like two burning orbs of red and orange. It reminds her of Him. Of that night. She comes. Shaking violently. He finishes for a second time. Collapses on her. Moments pass. She feels her breath slowly return to normal. Eliot moves.
"That was, crazy. "She says. "How did you think to..."
He scratches the back of his head, sits up.
"To be honest I'm not sure what I did. I kind of black out for bit. "
"I think Natalie officially ruined sex form me" she sighs.
"Yeah, she can do that." He says sitting up.
It's strange. The thought that the two of them had a relationship in the past.
"I thought you bought weed from her?"
"Yeah, and in exchange she made me help with some of her other work."
"Other work?"
"Yeah, that's what she calls it but it didn't sit right with me."
"You seem pretty good at it."
"This is different." He said." I get the idea behind it but what she does is just wrong."
"Tell me about it."
"Well like I said it's messed up. This one time I had to help her with some guy who was all tied up with a bag over his head. She said he agreed to it and that the whole thing was his idea, but I dunno. It gave me a weird feeling. So we got him into a van and drow out of town. And I dropped them off in some place. Honestly I felt like I taking part in a kidnaping or something. The guy made so much noise and moving around she put him to sleep. "
Alex listened carefully.
"And sometimes she had me film things. Messed up things. Like really messed up."
"Like what" she asks, tone almost demanding.
"Torturing them and I don't mean in a sexy way. Like dunking people underwater, hooking them up on meat hooks. I saw put nails through a guy's nipples and sew his mouth shut. I told you, she's crazy."
"Yeah, that's pretty crazy. "She agreed.
"And she liked to wear this really freaky outfit. Like a butcher or something."
"What?" Breath catches in her chest.
The dots begin to connect.
"It had this large apron and a leather mask. She even bragged about it being human skin. Knowing her it's probably true. "
"No." Alex want's to scream.
Feels tears gather in her eyes. Tries to take a deep breath and calm down. All this time she thought it was Haupman in that leather mask and apron.. Eliot seems to notice the change in her.
"Hey, what's wrong?"
She can't answer. How could she believe that after all this time somebody could understand her? Somebody could actually care about her. She can't believe she wanted that woman to love her. Tears just start coming. Eliot embraces her.
"I'm sorry." He says awkwardly, not sure what he did.
She just shakes her head. She wants to tell him but she can't speak, afraid she will break down again. All she wanted was something, someone she could trust. For something to be real and not a lie. Maybe there is still hope. Maybe it's not her after all. There are many mask and aprons out there. Maybe it's not her. Maybe Natalie is just fucked up, but it doesn't mean she must be working with Hoffman. She wants to believe the woman is not that person on the video.
"Could you.. Recognize it if you saw it?" She asks.
"Yeah." He says.
"Go to the police." She says.
He looks at her confused, disbelief in his eyes.
"Hoffman's videos." She says, talking slowly" there is someone else in them. Leather mask. Apron."
He has a horrified expression now.
"Shit.. Are you serious?"
She nods.
"It could be somebody else. You would know. Right?"
"Yeah. I mean I was there. I filmed that shit. Few years ago but damn. All this time I thought, she was just making really fucked up shit for her clients. She said they agreed to it. that they asked to be filmed like that."
"Maybe they did." She said. "Maybe you did nothing wrong. Maybe she didn't either. You're the only one who can tell."
"Yeah, I'll go. First thing tomorrow. I got to work tonight.
Suddenly she is aware that it's dark. That she had left Claire's apartment and maybe it was too late now.
"I need to get going."
"I can give you a ride."
Claire looked over the article Moira wanted to show her.
"Don't you think it's strange?" Moira said.
"Now that you mention it yeah, maybe. "Claire agrees "But Hauptman's been a big help. "
"Has he?" Moira asks." Look I know you and dad and a lot of people seem to trust him. But he knew Hoffman and then he advised we send Natalia to the school where Mr. Pedo happened to be a teacher?"
"Well he did say Hoffman made a recovery. He was his doctor, he should know best right?" Claire argues.
"Yeah but do you think Haupman would make such a mistake?"
"Everybody makes mistakes." Claire said. "Besides Hoffman insisted he was alone in this."
"Claire." Moira's tone changes." Remember when we were back on that island and Neil was acting strange the whole time but you didn't want except it?"
"Yeah, what of it?" Her tone turns harsh.
"You need to face the facts." Moira says. "This whole mess started after Natalia transferred to that School. And you know when it got worse?"
"After the forest incident right?"
"Yeah, remember when Haupman offered to use hypnosis on her to "suppress Alex". Things got worse after that."
"Maybe it just didn't work. Hypnosis is sketchy at best."
"So why would such a professional doctor suggest using a sketchy thing like that?" Moira questions.
"I'm not a doctor. I don't know."
"But is does seem suspicious right."
"It's circumstantial evidence, Moira. We can't prove he is involved."
"I know but still it feels strange somehow. "
"I know, you miss Natalia. I miss her too but she might not be coming back." Claire said.
"You don't seem too upset."
"I'm… I'm not happy about it but I can't change things. "
"I know." She sighs" So you and the Overseer getting on okay?"
"Well, I guess. I still can't figure her out but it's like she's a different person from that crazy woman."
"Yeah?"
"She made dinner. It was actually good."
"And she didn't poison you?"
"I'm here as you can see."
"So have you been able to get her to talk?"
"Not really. She did say she started collage when she was twelve. Can't imagine what that's like."
The conversations was interrupted by her phone going off.
"Hello?"
Claire's eyes went wide
"What?! Where?"
Moira looks over at her questioningly.
"what happened?"
Barry looks over at the picture. It's the one they took during Halloween. He can't believe the girl is the picture is not Natalia. He can't believe that little girl he had grown to love is gone. The hideous monster from the island. He still remembers it. Grips the frame in anger. The glass cracks right over the face of Natalia. Suddenly there is a loud pounding on the door. He gets up angry. Wants to tell them to go away.
There is a boy with long hair kneeling over on the porch. Blood dripping from where he is gripping his stomach. It snaps him out of rage. The boy reaches out to him. Grabs the leg of his pants.
"Natalia.. They took her..."