Title: Turn Back the Clocks

Summary: A post-Paraguay story. Mac is forced into counseling, and comes to terms with Paraguay, Harm, and her life in general.

Part Nine – Mac

I can't bring myself to get out of my car. It feels like a lifetime since I've been in this parking lot, even though it's actually only been a little over a month. My grip tightens on steering wheel as I see Sturgis leave the building, and I glance at the white envelope on the passenger seat. I slip it into my purse, and finally turn off the ignition.

I get plenty of looks as I make my way into JAG Headquarters – a place that once felt like home, but I do my best to ignore them. I'm sure it doesn't help that I'm in civilian clothes, but it is what it is seeing as how I was summoned by the admiral and I had to fit into his schedule instead of the other way around. My palms are damp as I get closer to the bullpen, and I run my hands over my hips. I was pleasantly surprised this morning that the new jeans I bought a few weeks ago are a little snugger than they were when I first wore them. I have a long way to go to gain back the weight I lost after Paraguay, but I feel healthier than I have in a while.

I step into the bullpen and everyone goes silent. In an act of herculean strength, I avoid looking around the room and meeting the eyes of my colleagues. Any of my colleagues. No one approaches me. No one says my name, and I keep walking until I reach Admiral Chegwidden's office, where I finally have to interact with someone. Petty Officer Coates doesn't look surprised to see me. She also looks… I don't know how to describe it. The exuberant young woman who once slept on my couch and never left Bud's side looks weary and beaten down. "He wanted to see me." I gesture at the door to his inner office, and Coates nods.

"Yes ma'am. He's been expecting you. You can go on in."

"Thank you." I open the heavy wood door and step inside, shutting it behind me. I immediately snap to attention, which feels odd in a sweater and jeans, but it's a habit that isn't easily broken. He casually waves a hand at me and I relax slightly.

"Have a seat, Colonel."

I move around the chairs and sit in my usual one. I try to block out the memories of the last few times I've been in this office – they aren't happy memories. If I look in one direction, I can see Webb telling me about the mission. I can almost see the admiral telling Harm he isn't a team player. I hear him telling me to get my shit together. I am thankful for that. This man who I once admired and respected more than almost anyone else in the world has caused a lot of pain lately. But if he hadn't insisted on therapy, I never would have gone. I imagine I would probably would still feel as lost and broken as I did six weeks ago.

"I know you still have about thirty days of leave that you're entitled to use but I'm going to need you to come back to work."

I stiffen. I hadn't expected that. "Sir?"

He frowns, and I feel a jolt of satisfaction. Had he expected me just to jump at the opportunity to resume my duties? "There is an issue with Carolyn Imes. Turns out she didn't pass the bar." My eyes go wide as he explains her deceit. "So, now we're down yet another senior attorney, and we have to re-examine her old cases. I need all hands-on deck, and that includes yours."

I slip my hand into my purse and clutch the white envelope. I hadn't planned on doing this today. I wasn't even sure what prompted me to grab it on the way out of my apartment. And up until he said those words, I wasn't even 100% sure I wanted to do it. But I have to. I can't come back here. I can't do this job, with these people, and pretend that everything is okay. I pull the envelope out and look at it for a moment. I've written his name on the front, and I stare at the letters for a moment while I gather my composure. Finally, I place it in front of him. He looks at it, and then back at me. And I can see in his eyes that he knows what it is.

"What is it?"

"My resignation."

He takes a deep breath and reaches for the envelope, but he doesn't open it. He looks at the envelope and then back at me. "Why? Why do this now? You don't have long until retirement. You can't stick it out for a few more years?"

I shake my head. I bite my bottom lip and try to remain calm. "I'm doing this now because I can't work for you anymore." I shrug and offer a sad smile. "I know I could put in for a transfer, but I don't want to. I like the area and want to stay here, but I need a fresh start."

"You can't work for me anymore?"

There was something in his voice. I can't tell if it's hurt or anger, but it's strange and it causes me to swallow. "Sir, once upon a time you would have done anything for any of us. And we would have done anything for you. But that's not the case anymore. And I can't put my life on the line for someone who thinks my life is expendable."

He flushes and I swallow again. "You know I don't have to process your resignation, don't you? I could order you to go through proper channels and force you to serve for a few more months."

I nod. He's right, of course. "You could. And if you do, I will serve my time, because I'm not going to leave the Corps dishonorably. But making me stay longer isn't going to change my mind. I will leave as soon as personnel tells me I can."

He taps the envelope against the desk, and in that moment, I know he'll accept it and process it. He finally nods and sets the envelope down. "I'll get this processed this week, with the rest of your leave being considered terminal leave."

I nod. "Thank you, sir."

He nods and we sit there in silence for another moment. Finally, he clears his throat and stands. I stand as well, and feel flustered. He extends his hand to me, and I shake it, and then grab my purse and turn to go.

"Mac."

I stop at the sound of the nickname. God, I haven't heard that in a while. I was Sarah to Webb. I'm Sarah to Dr. Peyton, to the people in my group, and to Sophie. I turn to look at him. "Sir?"

"I know this is too late to mean anything, but I'm sorry about everything that happened. I'm sorry for sending you on that mission. I'm sorry for not letting Harm go after you. And I'm sorry I didn't go after you myself."

I feel tears well up, and I force them back. I offer him a shaky smile. "It doesn't change my mind about leaving, but it still means something. Thank you." He nods and I turn to leave, feeling lighter than I have in a very long time.

"You quit your job?"

I wince at the shock in Dr. Peyton's voice and I nod. "Yes."

She shakes her head in disbelief. "And? Why? I know you were thinking about this, but what made you do it?"

"He called me in yesterday. They lost another senior attorney and are in need of one." I take a deep breath. "I hadn't even been entirely sure I would do it, but once I heard those words, I knew I wouldn't be able to go back."

"How did he take it?"

I smile. "Pretty well. And I left the office feeling better than I have in a long time."

She nods and smiles. "So, what's next? Are you going to relocate to a new city?"

I shake my head. "No. Not right now anyway." And I feel my cheeks flush. "I feel like you're helping me. And I don't want to start over with someone new." I can tell she is pleased by the comment. "And this is my home. I've been here for eight years. It's hard to imagine being anywhere else."

"Have you started looking for something new yet?"

I nod. "I started as soon as I got home yesterday."

"What will you say when you're asked on an interview why you left the military?"

I thought about that for a long while. The job at Dalton's firm was more or less given to me on a silver platter. So, I haven't actually applied for a job since before I joined the military. I remember that last job. It was at a bookstore near the university and I made about $4.00 an hour.

"Sarah?"

I shake my head to clear my thoughts. "Sorry. I was thinking about the last job I actually had to apply for. I don't know. I guess it depends on what I end up doing. I've contacted a few non-profits that provide legal assistance to veterans. I've thought about being a public defender." I think of Holly and her baby, and the dark shadows under her eyes the last time I saw her. "If possible, I'd love to help battered women and children. I still want to serve. But I think right now I'd rather serve my community instead of the country as a whole."

When I get back to my apartment, I head straight to the phone. I need to call Harm. He's been on my mind more than usual after my visit to headquarters yesterday. I thought about calling him on my way home, and thought about it all night. But calling him outside of my normal time made me nervous. I felt like there was a greater chance of him actually answering if I called him anytime other than Tuesday afternoon or Thursday evening.

I begin to dial his number but hang up the phone before I finish. What am I going to say? Do I tell him that I quit my job? Do I give him a heads up that they are in desperate need of a senior attorney? Or do I say nothing. What if I get his hopes up and Chegwidden never calls him? I swallow and dial his number again. His machine picks up after a few rings and I sigh. "Hey, it's me." I pause, trying to arrange my thoughts. "I actually have something to tell you today. I gave Admiral Chegwidden my resignation yesterday. I went in to talk to him, and it just happened. It was so strange being in that building without you. It made me miss you even more than I already do. Anyway. Take care of yourself."

I hung up the phone and took a deep breath. I wonder if he'll ever call me back. I want to hear his voice so badly. I want to hear my name on his lips.

The phone rang and I nearly jumped out of my skin. I reached for it, and then paused. It couldn't be him. Could it? Did the information about JAG finally make him want to call me back? The phone continued to ring and I picked it up. "Hello?"

"May I speak to Sarah MacKenzie, please."

I felt myself deflate. It wasn't Harm. It was a pleasant-sounding woman with a lot of noise going on in the background.

"Speaking."

"Ms. MacKenzie, I'm calling from George Washington Memorial Hospital. There is a young woman here who asked us to call you. Her name is Holly Warner."

I feel the blood drain from my face. "Is she okay? Is her baby okay?"

"Yes ma'am. The baby is fine, and Holly will be fine. She wanted us to call you and ask if you would come sit with her."

I grab my purse and my keys. "I'm on my way."

I made it to the hospital in record time, and I literally run into the emergency room. I take a few deep breaths to calm myself before approaching the desk and asking where I can find her. They direct me to an exam room down a nearby corridor and I take another minute to collect myself before finding the room. When I eventually find it, I wish I had taken longer to collect myself. The left side of her face is red and swollen, and I know it will turn a violent shade of purple soon, there are red marks around her throat, her nose is bandaged, and her arm is in a sling.

"Miss-"

Holly cuts of the doctor. "I asked her to come." The doctor, a middle-aged woman with red hair and kind eyes looks and me and nods. "Will you hold Emma, please? She won't stop fussing, and they say I can't hold her while they're examining me."

I nod and hurry to the car seat. I pick up Emma, and hold her close to my chest. We move around the small room, and her whimpers begin to fade. We're all quiet for a moment, and then Holly looks up and meets my eyes. "Tyler found out that I've been going to therapy and not visiting my mom." She swallowed hard and looked at Emma. "She saved my life. She was crying so hard and for so long that one of our neighbors came by to make sure everything was okay. Tyler put his hand over my mouth and when no one said anything but Emma kept screaming my neighbor yelled that he was calling the police." She swallowed and looked at me. "I fought so hard, Sarah."

"I know, sweetie. I know. What happened when they got there?"

"They took him away. And then an ambulance showed up and brought me here." She looks at Emma, and then back at me. "What will happen to him?"

I shake my head. "I'm not sure. I'll find out though. I have a friend who works for the police department."

The doctor stood and sat the chart on the bed. "Holly, we're going to take you for some x-rays and get that arm properly set." She looked at me and I instinctively hold Emma closer. "We'll probably be about an hour or so, if you want to wait."

I rub a hand over Emma's fine baby hair. "I'll wait. I'll go to the cafeteria and get some coffee. But I have my cell phone with me."

Holly nodded, and her eyes filled again. I knelt so she could touch her child for a moment. "Thank you, Sarah."

"Anytime." I move out of the way while the doctor and nurse help her into a wheel chair, and then I watch them take her away. I grab the diaper bag from it's spot next to the car seat and loop it over my shoulder. I look at Emma and force a smile. "Let's go take a walk, okay?" I glance at the piles of bloody gauze and shudder before Emma and I leave the room. I'm trying to be cheerful for her as we walk. I bounce. I point out the colorful artwork. I talk to her in what I hope is a soothing tone. We stop in front of an abstract sculpture made of hot pink triangles and I finally smile as she reaches for it. I hear a strangled gasp behind us and I go still. I slowly turn, my own gasp escaping.

It's Harm. We are standing five feet apart. For the first time in months, he's right in front of me, and I feel my knees tremble. I reach out and grab for something to steady myself, wincing when I realize it's the pink sculpture. I drop my hand when I realize I'm no longer in danger of collapsing on a tile floor with a baby in my arms.

He takes a step toward me, and I know it's instinctual because I do the same thing. Then we both take another, and then another. And finally, I'm close enough to him that I could touch him if I wanted to, and god do I want to. Apparently while I was losing weight and muscle tone, he was gaining it. Gaining muscle anyway. His arms and shoulders were bigger than I had ever seen them, and his light gray t-shirt he wore clung to a chest that had not been that developed a few months earlier.

"Harm." The word comes out as a whisper, and I see something flash in his eyes. He looks at me, and then at the baby, then back at me. I run a hand over her head. "Her mother is a patient. I'm just watching her." He nods and shoves a hand in his pocket, and then I notice the wrapping on his other hand. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

The sound of his voice makes my knees weaken again, and I take a few steps away from him to a row of chairs and I sit down. I look up at him and swallow. I've thought about this moment for weeks. Months. And now he's right in front of me and I have no idea what to say. I hold my breath and he walks over to the chairs and sits down, leaving an empty seat between us.

"How have you been?" I cringe at myself for asking the stupid question. I'm just so damned desperate to hear his voice.

"I'm fine."

"Harm, I-"

"Sarah!" We both look up at the sound of my name, and I see Sophie hurrying toward me. She bends over to catch her breath once she reaches me. She straightens and reaches for Emma's tiny hand. "How is she?"

I tell her what I know and she sinks down in the seat next to me. I notice Harm watching her as she takes off her coat and scarf, and I feel that familiar twinge of jealousy I always get when Harm notices an attractive woman. I swallow and look away, instead watching a young boy feed a dollar into the snack machine. I feel them both watching me, but I don't look at either of them. Finally, Harm stands and I feel both relieved and an overwhelming sense of loss.

"I need to get home." I nod and bite my lower lip to keep from crying. "I hope your friend is okay."

I watch him walk away, and then I feel a gentle tug on Emma. I turn to see Sophie watching me, and trying to take the baby.

"Give her to me. And go after him."

I stare at her for a minute, and then I hand Emma to her, and leave her my cellphone in case Holly is ready before I'm back, and then I run after him. I catch up with him in the parking lot. I start to reach for him, but I stop myself. I can't imagine what touching him would do to me. "Harm, wait!"

He turns and I take a deep breath. He crosses his arms over his chest, and I know he's waiting for me to speak.

"I've tried calling you."

"I know."

I take another deep breath. "I'm sorry."

He's quiet for a moment and then nods. "I am too." We stand there in silence for another moment and then he swallows. "I need to go."

I force back tears for what feels like the thousandth time today and nod. "Okay." And I know that I can't watch him walk away from me again. So, this time I turn around and run back into the hospital, finally letting the tears fall.

End Part 9