Blackmail - 8
Warnings / just a warning that SHIT GETS REAL in this one. 'Pretend' self-harm I guess you could say.
Author Notes / Woohoo Chapter 8. The Harry Potter reference in the last one is when Tony say's "Always the tone of surprise" Which both Hermione and Ron say in deathly hallows part 1.
MASSIVE RANT AHEAD IF YOU WANT TO SKIP GO DOWN TO WHERE IS SAYS 'STORY STARTS HERE'
OMG, ok so I have to rant. (This happened a couple of weeks ago) I have written 7 more chapters in this story (And I'm not done) along with other stories I have written but not posted. And then apple decided to reboot my iCloud and EVERYTHING got deleted. I didn't think I would get so attached to my stories, but here we are. I literally cried for an hour and then my stubbornness kicked in. I spent a WHOLE night trying to get my stuff back and at 3.47am I got everything back. Phew. So yeah instead of studying for my Math and Science finals I screamed at my computer. Fun*
Don't worry I have new backed everything up :)
But that's why I haven't updated in agggeeesss because after that stress-filled night I decided to take a mental break. Sorry, but I'm back now. can't promise I will update as much as I probably should because I have a shitload of tests but whatever.
This chapter sucks I'm sorry
^^^^ PLEASE READ WARNINGS ^^^^
MillyWidow
STORY STARTS HERE
~Last time~
Today she was feeling run down.
Maybe if she wasn't feeling so tired she would have realised maybe going out in public with the avengers right now wasn't the best idea.
Oh, hindsight is a bitch.
"I accept chaos, I'm not sure whether it accepts me." ― Bob Dylan
After they all congregated in the lobby they headed off to the restaurant.
It wasn't extremely fancy, it was comfortable and Natasha thought she might be able to relax.
She was seated next to Pepper and Clint.
Clint was talking to Bruce and Tony about gadgets and other things they could add to his arrows and Steve was talking to Pepper about her overseas trips.
Natasha just sat quietly, not that she was complaining, she enjoyed the quiet but the quiet also meant she had time to think.
The effect the sleeping pills had on her was decreasing, she still ended up having dreams, so she ended up taking more and more every night. Bruce had told her to only take one or two each night but she had started out taking four each night and now she had grown to five or six.
She had almost run out of pills and couldn't ask Bruce for more because that bottle was meant to last at least six weeks but it had barely even been three.
She would deal with it later, she told herself, right now she needed to relax.
Relax? That's not a word in the Black Widows vocabulary. She ended up staring at Clint, he looked so vibrant and happy talking to his teammates.
So different from the Clint in her dreams who was more often dead than alive. In most of her dreams lately, he dies and it was always her fault.
She was happy that he had other people in his life other than her, so then if anything happened to her he wouldn't be alone.
Her eyes scanned the room and fell onto a couple in the far corner.
They looked happy. Judging by her left finger they were engaged or married, and the fact she kept touching it meant it was quite recent, maybe even today.
A man walked in between her line of sight, at first she went to look away but her eyes shifted back.
A tall figure, broad shoulders and chiselled face. She let out a gasp.
Why was he here? How did he know they were there? What did he want? She had done everything they asked.
She was broken from her frantic thoughts by a slight nudge from the person next to her. She turned around to see Pepper throwing her a questioning look.
Her breathing hitched and she felt the familiar pinch in the back of her neck that signed a panic attack was starting.
"Hey, you alright?" Pepper asked swivelling in her chair to face the quietly hyperventilating woman.
"I…I I think I'm going to be sick," she said rather quickly, pushing her chair back she ran towards the bathroom.
She made it to the bathroom and emptied her stomach into the toilet.
Shit, she thought as she heard footsteps coming into the bathroom. She forgot to lock the door.
She really didn't want to have to see Pepper right now, fortunately, it wasn't. It was someone much much much worse
"Hello Natalia" a thick Russian accent echoed through the bathroom.
"Fuck. Off" she said between heaves.
"Now now Natalia mind your language."
He walked closer to her and lightly touched her back. She tried to flinch away from him but was unsuccessful.
Natasha finished vomiting a moment later and turned around to give him the biggest death glare.
The death stare that made most men crumble but had no effect on this man.
Because this man knew Natasha wouldn't kill him. Because if she killed him the love of her life would die.
She spent 11 years in the red room being programmed to not love, so there would never be a situation like this.
But love is inevitable,
Love is the greatest power of them all.
She was programmed to never love but then an American came and offered a whole new life.
It was a fairytale.
He fell in love with her
She fell in love with him
God she had tried to push those feelings away, but when you love someone you just don't stop.
Love was caring about someone beyond all rationality and wanting them to have everything they want no matter how much it destroys you, even if it kills you.
That's love,
And that can not be tortured out of someone
Yes, she loved Clint Barton, and she would happily lay her life down to make sure he was okay.
"Your partner looked happy, I saw you admiring him" Kozlov grinned.
"I have done everything you asked so leave. him. alone."
"Yes, but I have not asked everything I want."
"Leave. me. alone" she growled
"I haven't done what I came to do yet"
"And what's that?"
"I want to ruin your life"
"Why?"
"Cause you ruined mine. My father was one of the red room directors, he was the one who finalised your transfer to the KGB. He promised them you were loyal, but when you left and joined SHIELD, guess who took the fall. That's right my father he died after being bashed to death."
During his rant he had secretly pulled out a knife and when she wasn't looking he slashed it against the back of her wrist.
"For someone called Hawkeye, he hasn't been very observant,"
She only stared up at him, anger seething through her gritted teeth.
"Good luck hiding this from your partner. He'll be watching you more closely now that your unstable" he laughed maniacally
She watched him in horror and she was about to start fighting him, but he reminded her he had men all around the building ready to pull the trigger on all of her family. She had to admit that this guy was very resourceful.
"You were the golden child, it was always Natalia this and Natalia that. Adrian, you should be more obedient like Natalia-"
"I wasn't obedient I was beaten senseless"
"-Nothing I did was ever better than you. Until now, I have bettered you, I have you under my control"
He slid the knife across both her wrists a couple more times.
"You're going to work for a Kozlov again"
"I don't even remember ever working for a Kozlov"
He dug the knife into skin harder in anger at her statement.
"You're going to kill the men that killed my father like the little killer you are" he placed the knife in her now numb hand, got up and unlocked the door.
"Until next time" he whispered before jumping out through a window.
She remained frozen in her stall, may it be because of the blood loss or the thoughts going through her mind.
She didn't move when she heard the familiar click of heels enter the bathroom, or when she heard the sweet voice of Pepper calling for her.
"Natasha, are you alright?"
The bleeding woman who was sitting on the side of her knees back against the wall with a bloody knife in her hand didn't move.
She knew unless she did something to hide her injuries Pepper would freak but she was in such a state of shock she didn't care.
The footsteps got closer and Pepper rounded the corner and shrieked when she saw the younger women slumped on the ground, arms covered in blood.
Come on, Black Widow, move.
When Pepper had turned the corner she had expected to see a sick Natasha sitting on the floor but had not expected to see the cuts on her arm.
Pepper may not be a spy but she could read a situation - The slits on her arm, the knife in her arm, the empty look in her eyes. She knew what had happened, she didn't know why but she knew what.
"Oh, sweetie" Pepper whispered on the verge of tears, "Sweetie, You're okay… I'm just going to take the knife" she reached across and slid the knife away from the assassin.
She pulled the roll of toilet paper down and began to wrap her arms in the paper, continuously whispering sweet nothings to Natasha in hopes to calm her down.
The white paper quickly turned red and the older woman found herself rewrapping the cuts over and over again.
Once Pepper had gotten over the initial shock she looked up at Natasha.
She still had the haunted look in her eyes and had not spoken once since her friend had arrived.
"Natasha, I'm going to go get Clint," she said placing a hand on hers.
She didn't expect a reaction let alone the one she got.
"No. Bruce"
"You want me to get Bruce?"
She nodded weakly against the wall and Pepper vanished.
How was she meant to tell Bruce Natasha had just tried to kill herself without alerting Clint or the rest of the Avengers.
Once she was out of the bathroom she took a shaky breath and took out her phone.
Girls bathroom. Nat needs you. Emergency.
She hoped the message was simple enough to make him come quickly.
Back at the table, Bruce felt the phone in his pocket vibrate in the ringtone he had set for only Pepper.
He had a different ringtone for Pepper because she usually only texted him when Tony had done something dangerous.
He slid out his phone discretely as to not be rude, and read her message.
Nat needed him? He was confused, to say the least but he excused himself to go to the bathroom.
He made his way down the corridor and found a very distressed Pepper who had blood on her hands.
Now Bruce was worried, he ran the rest of the way to her.
"What happened? Are you alright?"
"She…She…Um….In here" she couldn't get the words out so she just opened the door and led him in
Bruce entered the bathroom and immediately was drawn to the stall that Natasha was in from the bloody tissues at the door.
He ran over and took note of her slumped figure.
He took her cheek into his hands and looked into her eyes. He wrapped her arms again with toilet paper and placed pressure onto her wounds until they stopped bleeding.
Once it stopped bleeding, he took out a disinfectant wipe out of his jacket pocket and began to wipe down her cuts.
Yes, he always carried disinfectant wipes on him but no he wasn't a germaphobe he had just lived in poverty-stricken areas for too long.
"Natasha talk to me"
She didn't answer it him and Pepper knelt down next to her.
She draped her jacket over the trembling assassins shoulders.
"Hey Pep can I talk to Nat alone please"
"Yeah, sure the others are probably getting suspicious. Call me" she squeezed Natasha's shoulder before placing a kiss into her hair.
Once the sound of Peppers heels died down Bruce turned her to face him.
"Why?"
She shook her head and then gave him a look. A look that told him she didn't do it.
"He's here?!" He asked looking around the room.
"He left" she croaked.
"How did he know you were here"
"I don't know" her voice broke and she hated the child-like tone in her voice "I want to go home"
"Okay, Well put the jacket on and go out there and prove to Mr Kool-aid he can't break you"
She couldn't help a small laugh but then her face dropped and she looked him dead in the eyes.
"What if he already has"
"Don't," he said warningly, helping her stand up. "You clean yourself up and I'll meet you out there, yeah"
And Bruce walked out, leaving Nat to stare at her reflection in the reflection mirror.
Of course Tony, Clint and Steve would notice the sudden disappearance of half their group.
"I mean if there having a three-way I want in"
"TONY" Steve choked on the beer he was drinking.
"I'm kidding Cap, chill"
"There probably was something wrong with the food"
"Or they're just going to the bathroom"
"Ugh boring" Tony sighed and called the waiter for more drinks.
Then Pepper walked in, the red lines around her eyes had been covered up but were still noticeable.
She sat down back down next to Tony and took a big sip of her wine.
"You alright"
"Hmm, Yup"
"You see Natasha"
Pepper almost started crying again at her name. She couldn't imagine Clint's reaction if Natasha had succeeded in killing herself.
"Yeah I think she'll be out in a second"
Clint seemed to take that as an answer and the conversation moved on.
Pepper felt sick, the image of the crumpled woman sprawled on the floor was imprinted in her mind.
She knew Natasha's past had been gruelling but she wouldn't have known she was struggling if it wasn't for today.
Pepper loved Natasha in a motherly-sisterly way and she felt that it was her duty to look after Nat.
Moments later Bruce walked out and gave a small reassuring nod to Pepper
Bruce sat down in his chair and tried to act normal, but kept fidgeting.
Then a safe distance after, Natasha came out, She was very pale in the face.
When she sat down Clint slipped his hand into hers, giving it a squeeze.
She leaned over to him and then turned her head to face away from the group.
"I'm not feeling well, can we go home"
Clint looked at her features, she definitely was pale and her eyes bloodshot.
"Sure"
Clint made some excuse as to why they were going home, Steve and Tony looked confused whereas Pepper and Bruce had a look of…sympathy.
Once they were out of restaurant Clint draped an arm around her waist.
"Is that…Peppers jacket"
"Yeah, I was cold"
He smirked at her and they walked through the streets of New York back to the Tower.
The next morning Natasha woke early and went to find Bruce.
Like always he was in his lab.
When Natasha walked in Bruce immediately commenced a 'Code Blueberry'
A Code Blueberry basically it just meant turn Jarvis off and warn them if anyone was approaching.
"Hey, how are you feeling?"
"Better"
"Pepper came to see me last night, she's worried about you"
She couldn't help but feel bad that she made Pepper upset.
"Listen I know you trust Pepper but Pepper will tell Tony and Tony will make things worse," he told her.
"So I just have to pretend that I'm actually harming myself" she didn't really like that idea.
"I know it sounds barbaric but I've run the numbers and she's most likely to believe that"
"What if she tells Tony and he thinks I'm unstable so he pulls me from The Avengers"
"Well, make sure she knows your getting help or it was a one-time thing"
"And you really think Peppers going to believe that"
"You're the Black Widow for god's sake I don't know just make something up" he snapped very un-Bruce like.
She looked taken aback by his sudden out burst.
"Sorry it's just I'm worried that someones will get hurt and I feel like I'm not doing enough"
"I'm sorry Bruce I shouldn't have brought you into this. This was my business, not yours"
"No Natasha I'm glad you did, you shouldn't be doing this alone"
Natasha gave up and thanked Bruce before leaving.
Natasha walked into the lounge room, she had been rehearsing what she would say to her ever since Pepper had the misfortune of walking in to find…that.
"Hey Pep, can I talk to you" Pepper startled around to see her when she saw the assassin her face softened.
"Sure," They made their way over to the kitchen.
"I just wanted to tell you that I'm…dealing with it"
Pepper gave her an encouraging smile.
"I'm ok now, it was just a stupid… relapse"
She just nodded before walking up to Natasha.
"Tasha it's not stupid, and it's also not a quick fix. I know you might be embarrassed but don't be, if you ever need anything I'm practically always around"
"Thanks, Pep, but you don't need to do that."
"Yes I do, you're like a little sister to me, a sister both of us never had so we look out for one another"
"Pep I don't deserve this…"
Pepper placed a hand over her mouth, "Don't. Don't degrade yourself like that"
Natasha nodded weakly but didn't let her Black Widow persona slip.
Pepper pulled her into a hug and held her tight before letting go
"We all love you, Nat"
Natasha nodded curtly before leaving to go to the gym
Clint was already in there punching the life out of one of the dummies.
"Sup Birdbrain"
"Hey, you feeling better"
"Yeah, just tired"
"I'll promise to go easy on you then"
She gave him a friendly glare before heading over to the sparing mats.
She lined up on her side and he gave her a weird look. He flicked his shirt to signify that she still had her jumper on.
"Nah it's fine"
He didn't respond he just lunged at her.
They punched, kicked, dived and turned there way through a session when Nat got the upper hand and pinned him to the ground.
"Not fair, I couldn't grab your arms because of the damn jumper"
"Toughen up Princess" she teased crawling off of him for round two.
"Seriously Nat take it off you're going to overheat"
"Clint it's just a jumper" she knew this wasn't just about the jumper he was still annoyed with her about the whole lying thing.
"Natasha, why aren't you taking it off"
"Because I DON'T WANT TO" She yelled, feeling trapped. She knew where this was going and did not even want to think of the consequences
He seemed to size her up a little, examining every inch, every tell she had.
He had an inkling, a little murmur in his head that told him the truth.
"Roll up your sleeves," he said softly but still sharp.
"What?"
"Roll up your sleeves" he came closer to her.
"Clint let's just spar" She went to throw a punch but he just grabbed her arm. She went to fight back but he shoved her against the mats and straddled her.
He knew what he was looking for, he just had to get proof that his theory was correct.
He held her arm out and rolled down her sleeves. The angry red marks popped vibrantly against her skin.
He looked at her with a look in his eyes that one could only explain as sorrow.
Shit.