Chapter 8,

Hey guys, thanks for reading and for feed back- fuel that keeps the machine going. Here's another one, it's quite long but next update might take a week, so this should make up for that. I hope you like.

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"Faith does not make things easy, it makes them possible" Luke 1:37

Unbeknownst to Harvey, Donna had started having these blackouts, particularly in the last three months they had been living in Canada. They had been there, reason she had sought out medical help in the first place only to be told that it was too late for her. That she had a malignant tumour that was inoperable and only six months to live. Sometimes she wished she had never known, because what was the point if they could not do anything about it? She wished she had just gone on with her life in her ignorant bliss until one day she just passed out and died. Not much different than if she had been hit by a bus, right? No one would have to suffer from the slow torture of looking at her and seeing her grave written on her face. She sought to maintain a certain level of oblivion for them and keep the truth of what was really happening to her to herself. The kids were aware that something was wrong with their mother, but she was still active, still the same on the outside. Since the doctors could not touch the tumour for fear of disturbing the wrong wire and have the bomb go kaboom before the time, the tumour remained undisturbed. So, no chemotherapy thus, no hair loss or weight loss and all the other physical changes and horrors others had to go through while trying to kill the thing. She thought they were lucky, at least they had a to chance to fight it. Even if some didn't make it out of there, at least they would have tried. Donna didn't have that chance, she just had to wait to die. But the upside was, she remained mostly physically sound and active even as the timer to the bomb ticked. She really was a ticking bomb and she was left with less than two months to live now. Her symptoms had intensified though. The memory loss was worse, she would go around looking for something she was holding in one hand. Maybe it was stress, it wasn't like she had Alzheimer's. No, she had just become sloppier, most of the time she managed to mask that. Harvey was even more perceptive though. However, he wasn't aware of the blackouts, at least not the way they had intensified over the last month or so. They had graduated from just mere blackouts to severely painful seizures.

That first time she had experienced the worst of it was a sunny Saturday morning, Harvey had gone to some business meeting, Donna knew better. He had gone for yet another Oncologist' appointment, trying to seek yet another different opinion. They all came back the same. But he didn't seem to be giving up, especially now that the time was moving up so fast.

She had decided to call Cindy, their babysitter to look after the kids while she went grocery shopping. She had taken to cooking, a lot. Maybe it was a way of feeding her family with the best things she could make before she went. Maybe have a recipe or two she would be remembered by.

She was busy choosing the choosiest apples when the seizing started. She had been feeling a mild headache but that was not much of a concern these days. Mild headache days were the good days. On really bad days, she felt like her head was about to explode. So, the mild headache hadn't deterred her from having a day and go grocery shopping. As she was standing there in the shop, her hand on an apple and another on her trolley, she suddenly felt a wave of blackness wash over her. She shook it off but that seemed to make it worse. From that moment she felt like she had been caught in an electrical current and she couldn't control her seizures. She could see people rushing to her, asking her if she was ok, trying to hold her or push her down, surrounding her now, giving no room to breathe. She wanted to speak, to tell them to call Harvey, to give her some room to breathe, but she couldn't. She just kept seizing on the floor where she now lay. Then sudden blackness, and she knew nothing after that.

She remembered waking up in the hospital alone, really having no real idea of what had happened, she got up from bed to have hands try and push her back down. A nurse.

"Hey, you should try to lie down a little bit more. Keep the O2 mask on." She said, an elderly woman who reminded her of Gretchen. She suddenly felt comfortable with her, easy to talk to as she continued to sit up in her bed and take of the oxygen mask. She really didn't need it, she felt fine.

"How long have I been here?" Donna asked.

"About three hours. You were brought in by an ambulance, unconscious. I really think you should take it easy girly."

So like Gretchen. But 3 hours?! No! She had to go home. She had been planning a nice dinner for her family and now it was all ruined. And what could ruin it more? Having the forlorn faces of Harvey and her kids looking at her like she was on the brink of death after having learned of this latest incident. She was on the brink of death but not like brink-brink. At least not yet, she hoped. So, she was glad to hear that no one had thought to call her husband. Apparently, she hadn't had a phone on her when she came in. Possibly in the throng of good Samaritans who had surrounded her at the grocery store, one had thought to relinquish her of the burden of her phone and other valuable contents of her purse. Not for safe keeping, she was certain of it. She was glad though, at least Harvey didn't have to be called to come see his wife in hospital. She would have hated to see that worried look on his face.

The doctor had run some tests and discovered she had a gigantic tumour, which she would have told him had he only asked. But then, she had been unconscious. Predictably, he concurred with the assessment of the other doctors, there was really nothing they could do for her except maybe ease up on the seizures and increased headaches. They gave her some medication; not a cure, more like pain killers. At least it would help ease up on the seizures, she would just add that to her ever-growing pharmacy at home. So, with gratitude, she thanked the doctor and the nurse whom she decided to think of as Canadian Gretchen, no need learning people's names at this stage, let alone make new friends. She didn't have it in her, she didn't have the time.

"Malignant tumour. I'm so sorry girl." Canadian Gretchen said, with compassion. "Do you have anyone to help you through this?"

"Yeah, my husband and kids. We kinda took a vacation here to spend our last days together before i…you know, kick it." Donna said, attempting humour. She usually didn't like to talk about her situation but Canadian Gretchen, just like the real Gretchen, was easy to talk to.

Canadian Gretchen took a chair beside her bed and took Donna's hands in hers, looking at her seriously.

"Why do you give up on yourself so easily?" She asked.

"Well, maybe because I've got less than two months to live." Donna attempted nonchalance but 'Gretchen's' earnestness got to her heart.

"Who told you that?"

Donna scoffed. "The medical report all but says it in black and white."

"Yeah, but what do you believe?"

"Oh, come on. Not you two."

She smiled, "I'm glad there was someone, makes my job that much easier."

"Yeah, Pastor Henry set me straight. Taught me about whose report I chose to believe, what colour I chose to shine on this situation and stuff like that." Donna said with disregard.

"Looks like right now you're choosing to shine only the black light."

Donna scoffed again, "There's a black light?"

She shrugged, "Maybe not a light, but a presence. A presence on which you need to shine the light for it to disappear. Darkness always steps aside for the light."

"Yeah well, I guess the only light I've got right now is that I've got a month or so to spend with my family. At least I got that." Donna said in despair.

"Yeah, but there is a higher light. A higher life. Just as the sun is a higher light that the moon."

"Right."

"Do you believe in Christ?"

"I do. I mean, creation testifies the presence of a creator, right? I've always approached my faith with indifference, but this tumour has made me want to understand, to seek him out and find Him."

"Have you found Him then?"

"I have." Donna said, trying to stem the tears that were now clogging her throat as she spoke. "I have." She repeated, toughing her heart, which was at the moment hurting with the effort of constricting the tears that were threatening. "But I have questions."

Canadian Gretchen nodded in understanding, encouraging her to go on.

"It just seems like, with everything that's going on in the world, I mean, God must be so busy and far away. And it seems like I only get to seek him when I'm in trouble, like now. Pretty convenient, isn't it? Why would he care about little o'l me?"

The nurse nodded in understanding, "He is the creator of the whole world and all that's in it after all. Including us little people."

Donna laughed, more like a small tentative giggle. The nurse was agreeing with her and that didn't exactly boost her faith.

The nurse continued, "I mean, he did ask David, 'what house can you build me that can contain me? Heaven is my seat and earth my footstool. How can he fit in this earth with us little people?"

"I know, right?" Donna said, despondently.

"Yeah, but then again, he loved the little people so much he became like them, just so he could be that close to them. To identify with us, experience everything we do, to the point of being beaten, spit at and taste death at the hands of his own creation. Just so we won't have to again. So, don't go feeling like you only came home when you you're in trouble. You chose to come at all, and you've been so welcomed. Some never get the chance because, let's face it, not everybody is given an expiration date and get a chance to put their houses in order. Some run out of time still in the slums and they go down with the trash. The chance to come back home has been offered, it doesn't matter when you chose to take it, weather on your death bed with your very last breath or in the slums, just as long as you take it. Jesus loved us before we were able to do anything to please him, he loves us in the slums, while we are yet sinners. He died even for those who slammed the nails in his palms, offering them too a chance to come back home."

"Lucky me, right?" Donna said, still despondent.

"You sure are loved. You've been given a chance to fight."

"Have you seen my medical report?"

"That again. Stop looking at the darkness for a moment. You can't even see the hand in front of you in this darkness you choose to stay in. Giving up is easy, winning takes bravery. You've lived in the darkness for too long, now focus on the light for a minute. There's a whole future in front of you."

"Yeah, like a month's worth?"

"Only if that's what you want, if that is all you can see. He did say, 'as far as your eyes can see, that I will give to you.' I'm just asking you to see. See your children at their weddings. See yourself cheering with your husband for your youngest as he graduates from College."

Donna didn't want to see that. She didn't want to imagine what she knew she would have to miss. It was just torture. Looking at the light was hurting her eyes, believing was torture.

"I can't." she said, tears now streaming down her face. Seeing all that she was going to miss. "I can see it, but I know I'm not going to be a part of it."

"According to who? What if it's really according to you? Change what you say. You can see it, and you're going to be a part of it all Donna. See that and say that." Canadian Gretchen was insistent. She was like a baseball coach, not willing to give up on a player.

"Believing is hard. How do you believe when it's so…impossible?" Donna said.

"Oh, but you already do, girly. It's like breathing. Sometimes, especially when things are peaceful and well, you don't even think about it. But sometimes it's hard to breathe, it takes effort and it's painful to take a single breath. Like what you're doing now. But you do it, because you must breathe, or you die. Breathe, believe, the pain will pass and believing will become easier again you won't have to think about it."

"But He seems so far away sometimes. I feel far away I feel like I can't be reached."

"And all He's ever wanted was to be close to us little people he died to make sure of that. To live in us, with us and through us. You've already taken what was offered Donna. But you know what will bring you closer? His Word."

"Yeah." Donna nodded, sniffing and wiping the tears from her eyes.

"… 'By his stripes you are healed'. Shine that truth over the darkness you're now facing."

"That in the Bible?" Donna asked incredulously.

"1 Peter 2 vs 24 and Isaiah 53 vs 5. Two verses saying the same thing. Just to make sure you get it. And there's more, search it out and take what has freely been given to you."

Donna had a lot of questions and their conversation stretched out that Donna forgot she had been aghast at finding out she had already spent 3 hrs in the hospital, now it was way more than that. But like a thirsty deer, she sought more.

Finally, she had to say goodbye, Canadian Gretchen hugged her, "You are loved Donna. So loved."

"Thank you." Donna said, she still didn't seek out to know her real name, but she had walked out of that hospital with more hope and energy than she had coming in.

She got home, Harvey was pacing, worried out of his mind. The kids just ran up to hug her tightly.

"Donna, for God's sake! Where were you? I've been going out of my mind with worry, your phone is going to voice mail and…"

Harvey greeted her with a rant, she could see the years shaved off his face in a space of a few hours of her absence and took pit on him. So, she proceeded to tell him about an old lady who passed out in the grocery store where she had been doing her shopping for dinner tonight. She had to forget all about her shopping to help the old lady get to hospital and have been at the hospital with her the whole time. Someone, in the throng of all that chaos must have stolen her purse along with her phone. She was sorry she didn't call him, but she thought she would make it home in time before he even came back from his meetings with enough time to make dinner.

Harvey ate that up, he didn't look suspicious as he hugged her tight, relief on his face. From that she decided she was going to hide any major symptoms from him. She would take her medication strictly if only to keep from exhibiting any horrific manifestations like seizures and blackouts in front of him. Whenever she recognized the symptoms, she would excuse herself quickly and pass out in bed, in private. She would read her Bible, searching, not for a solution to this predicament she was in but to know more, to get closer to God. At least get an idea of where she would be going in about a month's time. Then she saw,

"…. attend to my words…. For they are life to those who find them, and healing to their whole body. JUB. For they are life unto those that find them and medicine to all their flesh." Proverbs 4:21-22.

Her heart stopped with hope. She didn't want to hope but…she had found them. She had found these Words. Did it mean she had life now? Maybe she could believe, she could let herself hope and if it failed, she would take this to God as evidence.

The seizures continued and she continued to hide them, suffer in private. But she didn't let go of her evidence, looking at the words every so often to make sure they didn't disappear. They were her evidence and she held on to them like her last lifeline, because they were.

For a long time, she had managed to maintain the perfect facade of normalcy until this one day. They were at the beach, Harvey liked to surf, a lot. One would guess that the wind and water helped to take off some of the worry that weighed so heavily on him these days. The kids loved surfing with their dad and Donna usually just sat at the beach, basking in the sun, sun screening. Harvey liked surfing with her, he would take her on his surfboard, they would hit some very exhilarating waves which always made them yell and laugh with exuberance. For that moment forgetting that one of them was sitting on a ticking bomb. She had just come from one of those with him, and now he had taken their youngest, Marcus, on the surfboard. The twins were now old enough to surf on their own. She smiled now as Harvey brought Marcus back from the water, Marcus was chatting energetically, and Harvey was wearing a big, proud smile on his face. She loved to see that smile on his face, the smiles were becoming precious little these days.

She felt the familiar wave of haziness and her heart stilled. She shook it off, she had taken her medication before coming to the beach today that ought to keep the seizures at bay. She couldn't just up and run to the house to have a seizure in private, they were too far from the house, she wouldn't make it in time. This was probably just one of that mild dizziness episodes she would usually wait out to pass. It didn't pass, it came again in a darker wave. She could not get up from her chair to run home, it would look weird to behave like that, but she would take weird anytime than having to pass out in front of her husband and kids. But she knew if she tried to get up now, pass out she would. Harvey and Marcus were getting closer and the look on Harvey's face was telling her that he was already aware something was wrong. He was picking up his pace and the smile on his face was gone.

It was coming, she could feel it pressing on her so strong, but she could still hear Harvey yelling.

"Donna! Hey, honey? Are you ok? What's happening? Are you feeling ok?" He asked, a little yelled at her in concern.

Then the seizures came and now he was really yelling, calling her name, pulling her from the chair to the ground into his arms, the look on his face stricken.

She wanted to tell him to calm down, that she was familiar with this, it would pass, but she could only convulse and watch his horror increase. Marcus was screaming in the background and the twins had run to them, stricken looks on their faces. She could see it all but couldn't say a word to reassure them, let alone stop her body from convulsing and scaring them so much.

"Donna! No. God Please no. Not like this. Not today. It's not today. It can't be. Please
Please." Harvey was begging.

Donna wanted to tell him that no, it's not today, this was going to pass. But how sure was she of that? Who knew if this was the final seizure to take her from them or not?

"Help!" Harvey yelled to nobody in particular.

She wanted to tell him to take the phone, call 911 for an ambulance, but all she could do was convulse more. Their eight-year-old son was the one with the presence of mind to run to his phone, dial 911 and ask for an ambulance. With that Donna relaxed a little, at least someone was thinking among them, the beach was deserted and there wasn't likely to be any help from strangers. Harvey could only hold her convulsing body, yell for help and beg. A man who prized his intelligence more than anything, held his Harvard Law degree like it was a ticket to heaven. His experience as a lawyer, the head of a large Law Firm and the best Closer in the City could not think past yelling for help and begging.

"Please please… no I'll do anything please."

Well, at least he was praying. It had to take her really hitting rock bottom in front of him to get that man on his knees. He wasn't yelling for the ambulance to come quickly like most people would in such dire situations, thinking that their yelling would make the ambulance fly to their aid. He wasn't even looking to carry her to hospital or to get a car somewhere to get her to hospital much faster. No, he knew that medical science was not going to make a difference here. Probably wasn't looking forward to being told yet again that there was nothing they could do for her. No, there was only one play left here. So, he held his wife and stacked his all on that one play. He prayed, and begged and pledged his life and his heart, forsaking all else.

Donna stopped convulsing and passed out in his arms, that stricken look on Harvey's face the last image she had etched on her brain before she let go.

…..

Don't freak out on me, it's not done yet.

...

I know, I know the sirens sound
Just before the walls come down
Pain is a well-intentioned weatherman
Predicting God as best he can
But God I want to feel again ( touch- sleeping at lat)