The emptiness of space had never been a bother to Jag, he had starred into the face of it many times before and knew that no matter how dark and lonely it got, there was always a planet somewhere to be comforted by.
Following the years of piloting fighter jets and being faced with death more times than he could remember, he was accustomed to feelings of helplessness and he found that one of the better qualities in himself was to squash them and turn them into positives, or hopefulness at the least.
However, if he was to ever have felt like the emptiness of space could swallow him up, it would be now.
The strike team trio of himself, Zekk, and Jaina had been traveling for weeks at this point with little to no leads, and every time they landed on a planet, they seemed to have to rush off immediately due to another tip-off.
He couldn't remember the last time he had been planetside when he wasn't rushing off to get something ready or to plan another planet to search. He hadn't gone for a run outside in fresh air for months or even sat down to have a meal that wasn't microwaved.
Unlike the war, it was stale and unfulfilling. It was waiting for information that never came. It was sitting in uncomfortable silence and repeating the same actions over and over, without getting any new results.
There were no battles to strategies or squad to lead, just what felt like meaningless actions strung together like an endless string of nothingness.
This mission was just the three of them against a seemingly impossible enemy who refused to stand and fight but instead decided to run and hide away every chance she got like a coward. Jagged couldn't stand cowardness and the constant lack of any substantial progress was admittedly getting to him.
He sat in the pilot seat of "The Conquer" which was a modified starfighter, big enough to carry all their equipment, but small enough to not arouse suspicion in the different sectors they were maneuvering around. They passed as a simple transport vessel and so didn't need to go through rigorous customs as they might have on a bigger ship.
Not that it would matter if someone tried to stop us at customs, Jag thought to himself, he was traveling with two Jedi knights who would be more than happy to suggest that a customs agent let them through without any bother. Then just like that, the agent would comply.
After years of being away from the Jedi, it admittedly took him a while to get used to such casual force use again, but after a couple of weeks, it was as second nature to him as it was to them. When someone dropped something, it was almost expected that it would fly back into their hand and when a security guard stopped them at a border or restricted building, they were never turned away.
Jagged worried that he was becoming complacent and used to having that backup, not preparing enough for the eventuality that they wouldn't be there to get him around the awkward moments, but in the end, he concluded that he would be putting himself at a disadvantage if he didn't use all the tools at his disposal, and he was never one to go into a situation unprepared.
Not that he saw them as tools.
Well, not all the time.
He turned to look at Jaina who was sitting in the co-pilot's chair flicking through the co-ordinates of the next hyperspace jump, which he had already coded and run through, but she insisted on re-checking.
Jag had taken over from her almost a standard hour ago, but she had remained in the cockpit, like usual. She had developed a habit of staying beside the pilot well after her shift had ended, just in case she was needed, well that's what she was claiming.
Jagged knew she didn't trust Zekk to fly the ship alone, he was an adequate pilot but if they were to ever get into trouble, all three of them knew he wouldn't be in the driver's seat. As the leader of the mission, he wasn't sure how he felt about Jaina taking it upon herself to
There wasn't any real reason for her to be in the cockpit right now, it wasn't as if Jag couldn't handle any situation better than she could, but he imagined it was as not to hurt the tall Jedi's feelings and pass it off as a habit she did with everyone. The petty and jealous part of him wanted to tell Zekk that he had flown Jaina many times and she hadn't felt the need to keep an eye on him, but deep down he knew that would be unnecessary. The Jedi wasn't an idiot and didn't need it said to his face.
However, this arrangement meant that Jaina was constantly in the cockpit, regardless if she was on shift or not. That mixed in with the fact that she was doing as much groundwork as her two comrades meant she was running on nearly no substantial rest.
In fact, he hadn't seen her sleep in a long time and the bags under her eyes only added to his theory that she was getting even less sleep than he was. He knew she was no stranger to lack of sleep; she was a pilot herself and one who had fought the same wars he had. However, he was her commander now and he didn't want her running on fumes when he needed her sharp and at her best.
Yet, he didn't say anything.
Whether she liked it or not, he knew her better than most people did, and he knew his concern for her well-being would be taken the worst way it possibly could be taken. She didn't react well to concern, especially when it was directed towards her, and he wasn't exactly in the mood to get into another argument with her that would cause the tension to become even more palpable than it already was.
So instead, when she checked the rotator for the third time, he didn't say anything, because he knew she needed to.
Another level of understanding that they would each refuse was there.
Yet, despite how hard she tried to find new things to do, eventually, you will run out, which she did, about an hour and a half into fiddling, which is when she finally stilled her hands and leaned back into the chair. Petite as she was, Jaina looked like she was being engulfed by the chair that was designed to fit something at least four times her size, and the picture looked almost comical.
She was silent for a few moments and Jagged was beginning to think she might actually get up and leave before she spoke.
"Did you read the suggestions I made to the plans for tomorrow? I left the datapad on your bed."
He hadn't spoken in so long his throat was dry when he went to speak, but he managed to croak out words.
"Yes. They were all good, I added them into the file."
Tomorrow's excursion was on Avedot, a planet in the colonies which would mean a lot of planning in and out of the sector, which they knew meant a lot of paperwork and not a lot of results. It was also a desert planet which meant if they were to find anything, it would most likely be lost by the time they got there.
"Do you think she's there?" Jaina asked timidly. Jag could almost hear the desperation in her voice as if she was hoping he was more optimistic than she was.
"Maybe. The lead seemed strong" he responded, looking straight ahead.
He wouldn't have to face her disbelieving face if he just looked out at the vast array of space.
"Really?"
At this point, he didn't know why he was lying to her, and she was already as exhausted and deflated as she could be, so why not be honest?
"No," he said, turning to look her in the eyes. "I don't think she's there, but we have to go."
Jaina closed her eyes, almost as if she didn't have the strength to keep them open, and nodded. Her legs had somehow ended up curled up on the chair, so her knees were at her chin and she had one arm leaning on them and the clinging to the armrest to keep her steady. Her breath was slow but with every exhale, the piece of hair that hung down over her eyes flicked up with the air, and for a split-second, Jag thought she had fallen asleep, but he knew better.
The harsh lines on her forehead were still visible, which meant she was still very much awake. The only times she didn't seem to have them was when she was laughing or when she was in a deep slumber, neither of which he had seen in a very long time.
Finally, she turned her head and opened her eyes again, almost as if she was returning to the room.
"As usual."
"I'm afraid so."
The reality of their situation hung in the air like a dense fog. They didn't like thinking about it, but then again what else were they going to think about? This was their life now and even though they both would have preferred to be in a different set of circumstances, this was what they got.
"Honestly, as much as I want this to be over, sometimes I wish it wouldn't end."
"Really?"
Again, she nodded and turned to look him the eyes.
"When this is over, I'll have to face real life again. All the things I left behind with the Jedi, can't be left behind forever."
He understood her as talking about Jacen. Her tyrannical brother who was now head of state, destroying the peace that the new republic and Galactic alliance had fought so hard to maintain. Jagged was as surprised as anyone when he found out about Jacen, but after what happened with the kiliks, he couldn't say he was exactly shocked.
Not that they had ever spoken about it, but he had the feeling that it was the moment Jaina had seen the darkness in Jacen too.
"I get that" he replied. "Lucky for you, it seems to be a while off yet."
The comment was supposed to be somewhat humorous and lighten the mood, and although the corners of Jaina's lips did tug upwards, he knew she was disappointed he was seemingly passing over a serious moment between the two of them. He couldn't help but feel his heart tug at the sight of her disappointment.
Suddenly, he found himself blurting words out that he didn't think about first.
"I don't know what I'll do after this ether. I think I'll be a bit lost if I'm honest."
"Really?" she asked.
"Of Course. What will I do without you triple checking my jumps and watching me fly every second?"
This time Jaina gave a real smile, one with her teeth showing and that squinted her eyes, and Jag was taken back, seeing her somewhat happy for the first time in literally years was strange. This was the most intimate moment they had had since they had started working together again and it caused a pit in his stomach.
Was that how he really felt? He surprised himself with his admission, but the statement came almost naturally. Jaina was right, one day this would be over, and they would have to go back to their separate lives and whatever that entailed.
What was Jagged Fel going to do after this was over? Go back to pretending that she didn't exist, and he hated her? That seemed less and less likely every day.
Yet, he didn't exactly fit in with her life anymore and he didn't even know if he truly wanted to be. Being around Jaina for any length of time was always intoxicating and each day he could feel himself being pulled back into her gravity as if he was a helpless vessel trying to pull from the force of a planet.
Being around Jaina Solo was painful, but the thought of not being with her was outright hell.
He had gotten to the point where he didn't know if this was, after all, he had come to the Jedi reluctantly, knowing he would have to face her, but having no idea it would be to this extent. He had arrived hating her and a feeling of beyond betrayal coursed through his veins when he even thought of her, yet here he was mere months later feeling like he would combust if he couldn't see her again.
His feelings were as conflicting as ever when it came to the brunette and he was naive to have ever thought it was any other way.
Jaina's subtle laugh soon turned into a yawn that she tried and failed to conceal.
"For the love of the force, would you go and get some sleep?"
Again, Jaina laughed slightly and leaned forward, putting her legs back on the ground and putting her head in her hands. She then muffled a reply in her hands.
"Trying to get rid of me, are you?" she said teasingly. "Not that easy Fel."
"I just don't want you to pass out mid-mission tomorrow when I need you to save me from falling off a cliff or something."
She took her head out of her hands at that moment and looked up at him.
Damn it.
Them eyes boring into his soul like they knew everything that he had ever thought and everything he ever would. Like she could tell him any secret he had ever told or every dream he had had like she was almost peering into the innards of his mind and revealing everything.
Finally, she looked away, and he thanked the force because he didn't know it would have been able to.
She curled back up into the ball she had been in a moment earlier on the chair and this time re-adjusted herself, so she was facing him while leaning her head on the headrest comfortably.
"Maybe I'll just shut my eyes for a while," she said, and then quickly added. "If that's ok with you?"
Jag almost did a double-take at her acceptance to finally sleep and in the presence of him none the less.
"Of course, go ahead."
There was a beat of silence before Jaina spoke one final time.
"You know I trust you."
He didn't reply with words, only a slow nod that Jaina just caught before she closed her heavy eyelids.
Would this be his life now? Analyzing every sentence that came out of her mouth, subconsciously looking for clues. He remembered a time when he didn't need to wonder anything she was thinking, as if looking into her eyes was looking into an open window into her mind. When she didn't hide anything from him just like he wasn't about to hide anything from her.
Except for this time, there was no guessing.
He knew exactly what she meant, in fact, they both did. That's why the silence was no longer uncomfortable but instead replaced with just an atmosphere of understanding between both former pilots.
She trusted him enough not just to fly the ship alone, but to be with her when she slept. When she was at her most vulnerable and when she wasn't ready for any oncoming attack. She had trusted him so deeply for so many years that she knew, deep down, he would not judge her for being vulnerable as she felt truly safe in herself around him.
Of course, none of this was said, but it didn't need to be.
They both knew it, even if neither wanted to admit it.
Almost seconds later, Jagged heard Jaina's breath change and when he was sure she was asleep he looked over at her again. Finally, the hard lines of her forehead were gone, and it was as if the years of hardship, war, and pain suddenly washed away, and she was the embodiment of serenity and peace.
He found himself not being able to look away from her, the perfect specimen of beauty with the soul of a spitfire until finally, the ship alerted him to the hyperspace jump, he needed to execute, and he focused himself back on the task at hand.
Sometime later, he couldn't be sure when, he heard rustling from the living quarters of the ship and he knew Zekk was awake and headed towards them now, probably on his way to find Jaina.
When he entered the cockpit, Jagged didn't need to see his face to sense his shock.
"Is she asleep?" he asked, a mixture of disbelief and uncertainty in his voice.
"Yes. Finally, right?"
Jagged tried to play it off as a passing comment but Zekk only nodded and left without saying anything, but even without the force Jag could feel the sting poring through the Jedi.
He knew, just like Jagged and Jaina did, that the trust they had in each other wasn't comparable to anything else and although it would take him some time to accept it, eventually it wouldn't sting as much at the thought.