2 weeks later.
It had been relatively easy to sort the mess out that Elliot's actions at the hospital had caused. Cragen was hugely relieved that he was bringing her into the squad room and not taking off without a thought to her ongoing treatment. He had sounded doubtful that Olivia had made the progress that Elliot claimed she had however, and Elliot was concerned what reception awaited him.
It was late afternoon when they arrived at the squad room, and Elliot noticed her hesitancy every step of the way as they left his car and got closer and closer.
"You ok?" he asked, not expecting an honest response to that question.
"No," said Olivia, taking a deep breath. "I want to be though." She turned to meet his eyes, so full of concern and love for her, "I want to be ok."
Elliot leaned closer and put his arm around her shoulders, pulling her closer and placing a kiss on her cheek. "You will be Liv."
He wanted nothing more than to take her hand as they walked into the squad room, but he knew she would hardly have appreciated such an outward display of affection in front of everyone they worked with. Containing the urge, he simply stepped closer to her, walking through the doors in unison with her, the backs of their hands brushing almost against each other in a way that felt so familiar and so reassuring to them both.
He didn't even need to turn to look at her to realise that a shift had happened. So many years of being so in tune, so perfectly in step with each other, and her tension struck him immediately. She had frozen as soon as she was through the door, her eyes growing wide as she looked around the room. "Its just the same as it was. Nothing's changed." she whispered, glancing around awkwardly ensuring nobody overheard her.
He resisted the urge to reach out and squeeze her hand - an instinctive urge to offer her a degree of protectiveness that he knew she would not want. He couldn't help it - he loved her and he wanted nothing more after everything they had been through, to simply wrap his arms around her at all times. If he tried she'd slap him. He was sure of that. He almost smiled at the thought - Olivia Benson did not need anyone to hold her hand.
Her eyes fell on their desks, and the shock of the familiar squad room was immediately broken. She looked at Elliot momentarily before he walked over, rounding his desk and pulled out her chair. She hesitated, feeling lightheaded - the memories that her mind had conjured up of the past five years, flooding through her mind.
Noting her hesitancy, Elliot walked back around to his side, pulling out his chair and taking his seat opposite hers. Olivia walked over and sat down, meeting his eyes and unable to prevent the small smile that she gave in response to his. His warmth and familiarity, a blanket around her.
"I missed you," she said quietly. "Looking across my desk and you not being there every day, it was like..."
Elliot remained silent, allowing her time to form her thoughts and continue, but when she did not, he realised that she was hesitant to. Hesitance - a feeling he wanted to eradicate when it came rto their relationship. They had spent so long in the dark - always so close but never touching, an intimacy that felt closer than his marriage ever had.
"What was it like Liv? Because these past five weeks - especially once they stopped me visiting, it's been hell."
Olivia looked over his shoulder, noting Cragen entering the room and pausing, giving her space.
"Like losing a part of myself," she whispered.
Her honesty struck Elliot, and he wanted more than ever to reach out his hand and take hers, telling her he loved her and would always be a part of her life. Aware though, that her gaze had drifted behind him, he contained his feelings once again. It felt such a familiar dance - the squad room, a closeness like nothing he had ever experienced, yet still not touching, still not stepping over the thin barrier between them.
Cragen walked over, eyeing Olivia somewhat cautiously as he assessed the situation. "You two want to step into my office," he said, with no hint of a question in his tone.
The door closed behind them and they both took a seat when Cragen gestured to the chairs in front of his desk. Olivia remained silent until he had also sat down giving a deep sigh as he observed them both,
"I'm not crazy," Olivia simply said.
"See, I told you she was fine," Elliot said with a smile.
"I think 'fine' isn't something that happens instantly in a situation like this Elliot. Olivia, I think it's a good idea if you speak to Huang."
"A good idea, or an order?" Olivia said.
"Both Olivia, we need to get you well, you're recovering from a serious injury as well as a brain tumor, this is not a broken leg, or time off after an illness, this is very serious and I would not be doing my job, my duty of care to my detectives if I didn't take every measure to look out for you."
"I know," she said. "really, I do. I'm making great progress and...I know that things have been really messed up in my mind, but I'm gonna be totally fine captain."
"You took a bullet to your head Olivia, you're just about the luckiest cop I've ever known to be walking around. Don't expect to be totally fine - we're all just grateful that you're alive," Cragen said seriously. "Take your time, meet with Huang, allow yourself time to heal - just take this a day at a time."
Turning his attention to Elliot, he sighed, "Elliot, where do I even begin…."
Olivia only had time to chat briefly with Munch and Fin before they were called out on a case and she was finding herself somewhat ushered to a visitor's room to meet with Huang. It felt odd to be sitting there, a room usually reserved for victims and relatives, but it was comfortable - she doubted there was anywhere more suitable in the precinct but being in there in any other role than as a detective felt almost unsettling for her.
"How are you Olivia?" Huang asked, and Olivia gave a slight laugh.
"Not crazy, so there's that," she said.
Huang smiled, "nobody thinks you're crazy, we only think you have some healing to do. I want to address how we need to handle your medication, but first, why don't we talk about where you've been. Tell me about this alternate life that you have been playing out in the hospital."
Olivia looked at him and took a deep breath, "I guess, I should begin with the day I got shot - it's from there that everything went wrong."
Outside the room, Elliot was relieved to find that Munch and Fin had returned and quickly ushered them to an interrogation where he hoped they were less likely to be overheard.
"She can't go back on that stuff they had her on John, if she loses herself again...I mean, what if she doesn't come back the next time?"
"I made some calls, and I have representation for her," Munch said. "If she can show that she's living in the real world and not the twisted dating Tucker world, where she removed us all so she could be unhappy alone, then she won't have any problem. All they need to do is talk to her to assess, and see that she genuinely knows who she is."
"Thanks Munch, I just wanna take her home tonight," Elliot said.
Munch and Fin exchanged a knowing glance, and only then did Elliot realise what he had said.
"You might wanna keep that to yourself Stabler," Fin said.
"It's not like she can really be alone, I'm her partner, I'm helping her deal with this," Elliot said, only managing to sound partially convincing.
"Don't worry, the way you've been handling all this - I don't think anyone doubts that you're in love with her. You've been, let's say, a little on edge," Munch said.
Fin laughed, "on edge, yeah, that's not what I'd call him."
"Where do you think Lewis came from?" Huang asked.
"I thought you were supposed to tell me that? Olivia replied.
Huang smiled. "So far he seems to be at a turning point in the timeline - a marked change happened around that time that you said made you feel different?"
Olivia exhaled and settled back into the chair opposite Huang. "Yeah, I guess I just...thought it was that I wasn't out in the field as much - not connecting with victims...I just didn't feel connected anymore. I think maybe my mind ran out of ideas and got tired of it. But I didn't know a way back out."
"But then Noah came along."
Olivia smiled warmly, "yeah. Noah. Everything was ok again then. But I still felt somewhat disconnected. Maybe on some level I knew that it wasn't real."
"after the story played out the way it did, you needed an anchor to keep you there and Noah served that purpose. How do you feel about that concept?" Huang asked.
"About Noah? He's not a concept...he's"
"He's what Olivia?" Huang asked.
"He'll always be my child, I love him and he's the only thing that feels real to me in all this madness and I...I miss him. I know that probably makes me sound unstable, that I'm grieving the loss of a fictional child...but I am."
"Have you mentioned this to anyone else?"
"Yeah, to Elliot."
"That's good, it's a positive step to be open about it. What did Elliot say?"
"He just says he's sorry, ….and he holds me," she said.
"Your relationship with Elliot has become more intimate?" Huang asked.
"Yeah...I think it was always headed here eventually...just took something like this to get us both there."
"A serious trauma can be a time for major reflection. You might find yourself reevaluating a lot of things in your life. Olivia, We're running out of time and I want to help you come to a treatment plan you can agree on Are you aware that you're trembling constantly?"
Olivia looked down, feeling awkward at his observation. "I know….it won't stop."
"It's ok, it's most likely a side effect of the injury, intensified by the reduction in levels of medication. We need to keep an eye on that though. I'm going to submit my report and talk to the hospital - I know you don't want to go in there but cooperating with your doctor's will mean we can get any court orders lifted sooner."
"I'm not going back in there. Won't your report be enough?" Olivia said, tensing immediately.
"Olivia you can't lift a section order overnight, but you can be assessed and treated without being in a hospital. What I am aiming to achieve is to have you home, but you will need to be seen daily by the crisis and recovery unit until they lift the order. This is , it happens more than you'd think to people who are no risk of harm, because in patient units are often at capacity."
"So I can go home?" she asked cautiously.
Huang eyed her with slight concern, "My report will carry significant weight, but I'm associated with SVU, so the court will expect an independent assessment. We can arrange for this to be outside of a hospital so you won't have the concern that they would detain you. Would you be happy for a doctor to talk to you here in a day or two?"
"Ok, I could do that," Olivia said, and then paused, letting out a sigh. "I just want my life back."
Olivia closed the door behind her and smiled as her eyes immediately met Elliot's. He stood, stepping towards her.
"Ready to go home?"
"Never been readier," she said as they both turned and made their way out of the building.
They walked along the familiar streets side by side, their instinctive rhythm comforting.
"So you're cancelling the wedding then?" Elliot said casually. Olivia turned to look at him, noting the hint of playfulness in his voice.
"Wedding? What wedding?" she asked.
"The one IAB are gonna throw you when you get hitched to Tucker," he said, laughing.
Olivia looked at him, feigning shock, a mortified tone to her voice. "How many people know about that? Oh God I'll never live that down."
Elliot laughed, "it's ok, just me, Huang and Cragen...and Munch and Fin. Your secret yearning for an IAB marriage is safe with your friends. I'm sure no-one will bring it up again," he paused, laughing. "Well...except Munch."
Olivia playfully punched him in the arm, and Elliot began rubbing his arm in an exaggerated way. "You didn't think i'd let it go without joking about that did you?" he said, laughing.
Their moods were light and happy - a marked change for both of them, as they made their way to Olivia's apartment. Elliot relayed some lighter stories about Munch and Fin and Olivia loved how much it all seemed so real - her imagined life seeming far away. Finally at Olivia's door she paused, remembering that she didn't have her keys. Elliot slipped his hand in his pocket and pulled his keys out, slipping her spare key off his key ring and handing it to her.
She took it with a slight smile, thanks El, I have another spare inside, so….we can have one each…" she paused feeling suddenly awkward. "Until I figure out what happened to my keys."
Elliot smiled and stepped forward, immediately their arms closed around each other and in seconds their lips pressed softly together. Olivia couldn't help the small moan that escaped her as his tongue slipped into his mouth. His reaction filled with want, need and desire as he angled his fingers in her hair and deepened their kiss.
Elliot broke away first, his hand cupping her chin and lifting her face to meet his. "You ok?"
"I'm fine El, really," she smiled, "but I'm pretty sure that never happened when we walked home together before. I really hope I didn't forget it if you've ever kissed me at my door like that before."
"You're right, we haven't done that before.. Do you..want that to happen again.. I mean...these past weeks, you've been through a lot and I know we moved fast at the hotel...if you don't, if it's too soon, it's ok, I.."
His words were cut off abruptly as she slipped her arms around his neck, pulling him down close to her and picking up right where he had left off. He let out his own moan that time, surprise swiftly changing to desire as passion won over.
The evening turned to night, two people, always so much a part of each other, laying close, connected, their bodies always touching in one way or another as they lay together in Olivia's bed. Once the boundary was crossed they simply let go; rules, restrictions, reputation - it all faded away until it became only them. Two people, very much in love, naked, wrapped in each other and both making a wordless promise to never let go again.
They woke the next morning, wrapped in each other arms to the sound of Elliot's phone ringing. He groaned, reaching over to grab it from he nightstand with deep sigh, placing a kiss on Oliva's head. "Stabler," he said, answering the phone with a grin that he didn't care would be obvious.
Olivia Benson was alive, rousing sleepily in his arms and he couldn't think of a more perfect moment in his life.
heyy, so half of this chapter was written 3 years ago, and I finished it this week! I have one more chapter and an epilogue left. They are half written. My notifications from all that time ago show another story that was left unfinished and has people still interested so once I finish this, I will work of Disarm next. I left an abusive marriage, went to a women's refuge and in my journey as a survivor, writing got lost along the way. Olivia gave me strength and helped me see that I deserved to live without fear. I'm by no means skipping along rainbows, but I am not living in fear in my own home anymore and being destroyed by gaslighting. Olivia Benson helped open my eyes and start me on a path to escaping abuse 3