She'd almost lost him again. She'd almost lost him twice. Walking toward the file room, shoulder to shoulder with Castle, Kate couldn't help but wonder how many times the universe would give them a second chance; if she could risk wasting another one before she made her greatest confession. Arriving at the conclusion same conclusion she had earlier, Kate was shaken from her reverie by another, tentative bump to her shoulder.

"So..." Castle began. Kate could hear the trepidation in his voice. "Can we talk about it now? I mean… You said later… and it's later."

Back on the pier, staring at the place where her cruiser now rested on the bottom of the river, Castle had quietly asked what happened between the time he dove to look for her gun and when they surfaced. Kate had immediately knew what he'd been referring to. He wanted to know why she'd let go of the wheel, why she hadn't been fighting to free herself, why he'd had to drag her from the car and toward the surface. At the time, Kate's mind was still moving too fast. She needed time to process the decisions she'd made in that car. She'd promised him they would talk about it, but it would have to wait until later. Castle had just been opening his mouth to argue with her when EMT and Police cars began flooding the scene.

Kate sighed and yanked open the door to the file room. "You're right. I did promise we could talk, but I don't really want to do it here. Come by at seven. I'll make Mac and Cheese."

Castle smiled and replied, "Can we have spiral noodles?"

Back in her apartment, Kate took her fourth shower since emerging from the Hudson. No matter how many times she washed it, she swore she could still smell river water under the citrus. After throwing on leggings and a t-shirt, Kate began the somewhat mindless process of preparing the baked Mac and Cheese. She knew the recipe off by heart, which allowed her to reflect on the things that came to her in that sinking car and while Sophia had a gun to Castle's head. While she mixed pasta, bechamel, and shredded cheese, Kate allowed her brain to wander back through those moments.

Every second that passed, the water rising around her, Kate had become more and more certain Castle would not resurface. Suddenly, Kate was faced, for the second time that year, with the idea of living in a world without Castle. Suddenly, Kate was faced, for the second time that year, with the idea that she would lose Castle before he knew how she felt. She knew by now, she would not survive losing him. The difference was the time she would spend without him. In the bank, she was forced to confront the possibility of decades without Castle. Now, it was mere minutes. If he didn't find her gun, she could keep fighting, but, she realized with surprisingly little panic, there was no point. She was stuck. Without Castle, she wouldn't free herself in time to live and even if she did, she didn't want to live without him, especially without him knowing how she felt.

In the moments it took to accept that she had no life without Castle, the water rose to cover Kate's shoulders and neck. When it reached her face, she inhaled one last gulp of air, and let her hands float away from the steering wheel. Once fully submerged, Kate sent a silent thank you to the universe. She would lose Castle without telling him she loved him, but at least they wouldn't be separated for long. The series of events that transpired between the closing of her eyes and spluttering frantically with her head above water, Kate did not know. All she was sure of was the mixture of panic, horror, and anger on Castle's face.

After they'd hauled themselves up the ladder onto the pier, Castle had demanded an explanation. He'd demanded to know why she'd given up. Why he found her floating instead of fighting. Why she hadn't begun helping him kick their way to the surface until the lights along the dock were visible. Through chattering teeth, Kate replied that she couldn't talk about it right then; that she wasn't even sure she could formulate an explanation, but she promised him they would talk about it. She promised it wouldn't be like all the other things they ignored. He'd accepted that because she left him little room to argue.

Later, when Sophia held them at gunpoint, Kate just hoped she wouldn't hesitate with her after she'd killed Castle. It was in the time between their escape from Sophia and their arrival back at the precinct that Kate came to the startling conclusion that led to her decision. In those few minutes of silence, Kate realized that what she was doing to Castle was not so different from what Sophia did. She wasn't lying about the fact that she was a KGB sleeper agent who'd infiltrated the CIA and attempted to instigate World War Three, but she was someone Castle trusted, and she was lying to him. She tried, again, to rationalize her lie by telling herself that it was for the best; that she was lying to protect him; that she was hiding who she really was because she was scared he wouldn't like the real her. Then, she realized, Sophia probably used the same reasons all those years ago. As the car pulled back into the precinct, Kate decided she wouldn't be like Sophia. She couldn't be another person lying to Castle. She had to tell him. She resolved to do it that night, before she lost her nerve. She was fully aware that piling her confession on top of Sophia's was likely a terrible idea, but she also knew she'd waited too long already. Kate spent the final few minutes of the pasta's baking time pleading with the universe to give her strength and let Castle at least hear her out before he walked away.

A cautious knock on her front door pulled Kate from her musings. She took a deep breath and opened it to reveal her partner, smiling as cautiously as his knock. Castle had changed clothes. He now sported well worn jeans and a Darth Vader t-shirt. The image on the front was one of the Sith Lord himself claiming his suit cost an arm and a leg.

"Nice shirt. Very funny." Kate chuckled. Castle just beamed, partially, Kate knew, from the compliment and partially because she got the joke.

"Thanks. It's part of my Christmas pajama gift from Alexis. I figured it was okay to wear since its technically a t-shirt."

"It's definitely you. An inside joke and a pun at the same time." Kate replied as she led him into her living room. She'd taken the time while the pasta baked and her thoughts raced to set the coffee table with bowls, forks, and napkins. She'd added the hot pad just before he arrived. "I figured we could eat in here, picnic style, like we did that time with Remy's."

"Sounds good to me. Although, I would be willing to eat off the floor at this point, I'm starving."

Kate smiled. "It should only be a few more minutes. I already poured myself some wine. What would you like to drink? Wine? Water? Soda?"

"Water, I think, for now." Castle replied, just as the timer on the oven began to buzz. "I'll get it. You get the food." Castle moved toward the fridge and Kate removed the baking dish from the oven.

Castle inhaled deeply and sighed, "That smells amazing."

Kate moved toward the coffee table and Castle followed. "Thanks. It's one of the first dishes my mom taught me to make and one of the few I make really well."

Castle wasted no time in spooning a heaping portion of the steaming, cheesy pasta onto his plate. For a few minutes, neither spoke. The only sounds were those of forks hitting plates and jaws working. Eventually, as if he couldn't stand to put it off any longer, Castle put down his fork and turned to Kate.

"What happened in the car? What happened while I was looking for your gun?"

Kate was momentarily taken aback by the abruptness of his questions and responded with her instinctive sarcasm. "It's obvious what happened. The car filled with water."

Castle slammed his fork on the table. "No. Don't give me that Kate. I wouldn't see much through the water, but I know when I got back to you, you weren't fighting to get free anymore. You didn't fight to get out of the car. You didn't fight to get to the surface. It's like, once the water got too high, you just gave up and I want to know why."

Kate willed herself to keep her voice steady. "You're right, Castle. I did give up. But for me to properly explain why, we have to start at the beginning… and then jump to the end."

A/N: I know! I know! Please, don't storm my inbox with torches and pitchforks. The second half of the chapter is imminent. I have to admit, I hadn't intended for them to have this conversation yet, but as I was re-watching the episodes to prep, I realized the same thing Kate does about the parallels between what Sophia does to Castle and what she's doing. From there, the story took on a life of its own. The good news, I now have an endpoint in mind and a general idea of how to get there. So, provided the universe cooperates, I should have the final few chapters up in short order. Thank you again to all who have read and reviewed. I continue to be humbled and amazed that anyone might be interested in what I have to say.