"It is such an uncomfortable feeling to know one is a fool." L. Frank Baum, The Wizard of Oz

Chapter 8: Why Are You Here?

I wondered worriedly how I would be received, I did leave without so much as a goodbye. Would the Cullen's cast me away the second I found them, how much damage has James done? Why did I leave in the first place?

I so wished I hadn't been such a coward.

I knew they were in Alaska, more specifically in Denali. They shouldn't be too hard to track once I made it there.

I would offer myself to help fight James, like I had when we met. This time I wouldn't be such a coward and maybe they could teach me to be like them. It seemed since having met them my reality had shattered, human lives weren't ever on my list of concerns. I thought only of my own survival but if the past weeks taught me anything it was that I couldn't continue in this way for much longer.

I felt evil to the core -and it was terrifying.

The plight of human lives plagued me now. The once arbitrary meal was now something entirely different to me. I felt the need to preserve and protect them from myself, maybe if I helped the Cullen's with James they would help me with this.

I ran for what felt like an eternity and for the first time in a long time I chose not to cover my tracks with my shield. If James wanted to find me, so be it, I deserve it. I arrived all too quickly, finding myself passing the Alaskan border, every step I took was heavy with dread. A part of me hoped I wouldn't find them so I can continue on my miserable existence the way I always had.

However, the voice in my head urged me forward. I tried to plan what I would say to them but everytime I pictured the encounter I drew up blank, I would just have to improvise when I got there.

My mind raced as I made my way through Anchorage and realized I don't know where Denali is or how I would find them. I came to an abrupt halt at this thought, and I thought I would have to go into town and ask for assistance. I looked down at my clothes, I was still wearing the same clothes from weeks ago. The leggings I had stolen had a rip on the left knee now, the shoes I had borrowed from Esme were caked in dried mud and dirt, the black t shirt I wore was somewhat protected by Edward's jacket which I had been very careful with.

I wandered aimlessly debating with myself on whether or not I should go into town but found myself drifting deeper and deeper into the Alaskan forest. I stood amongst the tall trees quite alone. There was no one around for miles even the wildlife scurried away as they sensed me coming. I happened upon a lonely tree stump in a small clearing, just big enough to make a small seat for one, so I sat. I pondered how I would find the Cullens as I mindlessly zipped and unzipped my jacket.

Would they be offended by my return? Would they cast me away immediately? Would they rip my head off for daring to ask to be like them?

No, the last one didn't seem probable somehow. I hoped they would see my return as an act of repentance and not one fueled by my own selfishness. I found myself thinking perhaps it could be both, and most likely was. I sat silently with my thoughts for several minutes and I froze when the wind shifted and I caught a familiar scent.

I inhaled deeply as a warm mix of cinnamon, sandalwood, and sweetest honey filled my lungs, I knew instantly who was near. I stood and turned, I was filled with anticipation as I watched him approach seemingly appearing from behind a tree.

"Edward." I breathed.

"Isabella," he greeted smoothly, "I wasn't sure I'd find you."

My face must have shown my confusion at his statement, so he clarified.

"Alice said you were coming."

"Right." I replied, not sure of how to respond.

"May I ask, why are you here?"

I opened my mouth to speak but closed it quickly, realizing I didn't have an answer.

Because I want to help you? Because I'm scared? Because I want to be like you? None of these reasons were things I was willing to admit yet.

"I don't know." I said finally.

"You don't know?" He repeated, raising a skeptical brow.

"Look." I said "The media has caught wind of the situation with James, obviously they don't know what they're looking at but everyone is looking at Alaska."

"We know this." he replied curtly, his smile gone.

Obviously he did, I just really couldn't justify my being there without bringing James' name in.

I sighed, and opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out, he looked at me expectantly so I tried again.

"Look," I began deciding to lead with a common goal "I feel partly responsible for the situation with James, I want to help."

"We appreciate that, but we have it covered."

"You can't deny that I would be helpful, I traveled with him and Victoria for almost a year. You know only what I've told you and you can't deny the usefulness of my gift." I said, taking a step toward him.

"Do you have information on where James is or what his plans are?" he asked contemptuously.

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes, and answered hesitantly,

"Well, no."

"Then why have you come back?" He asked harshly this time, taking one step toward me. All his kindness from a minute ago was gone.

"You don't have to use that tone with me." I replied with equal venom, my eyes narrowing instinctively and my body preparing to crouch.

"Apologies." He quipped remorselessly.

My irritation grew but I knew I had to keep my temper and I wouldn't run away this time.

"I want to help." I repeated with as much sincerity as I could muster, straightening my posture and relaxing my expression.

"You said that once before, then disappeared without a trace."

"I know." I whispered, embarrassed by my past actions. I felt a knot tying in my stomach. "And I'm sorry for that, truly."

"I looked for you." His jaw clenched.

"You did?"

I shut my eyes in shame for a second as I pictured his fruitless search, not even James could find me with my shield up. I could imagine his beautiful face twisted up in frustration when he realized I was in the wind and I was hit with a pang of remorse, my dead heart seemed heavier somehow.

"Not for long, half a day maybe. It was impossible, your scent was completely gone," He spat bitterly.

"I know, I'm really sorry."

"Alice told me I'd never be able to find you." He ran his hand through his already disheveled hair. "She said you'd come if you wanted to, you were undecided for a while."

I nodded, "That's right." I recalled my struggle with my bloodlust and my decision to come back, "Was she watching me?"

I tried to keep the horror out of my voice but the thought of anyone witnessing my lowest moments was enough to make me want to put my head through a wall. Especially when she could've easily shown Edward everything she saw, somehow the possibility he'd seen me like that made everything worse.

"She wasn't completely focused on you." He said "We've had our hands full here."

"Right." I said, my vanity apparently knows no bounds, they're in the middle of a war and I'm making it about myself. "Just, please, let me prove myself to you. I want to help."

His golden eyes met mine and held my gaze. He seemed to be searching my face for a lie. We stared at each other in silence for a few seconds before he finally spoke.

"Alice wants me to bring you back, if that is what you wish as well."

Relief flooded through me. I nodded, "Yes, it is."

"Then it's settled." He said, his tone no longer as cold as it had been. "This way," he gestured for me to follow him. His mood swings were slightly alarming, but I suppose that they were warranted due to my past behavior.

"Wait." I stuttered, deciding to do this now before I lost my nerve.

He turned and cocked an eyebrow, "I thought you wanted-"

"No- I do want to help." I cut him off, speaking quickly. "This is… unrelated." I took a step forward, his expression curious. "When we, you and I, last spoke you mentioned that you don't feed off of… humans..." I finished lamely.

"That's correct,"

"I was just wondering," I spoke quickly, so I wouldn't lose my nerve "how is that possible?"

The faces of my most recent kills flashed before my eyes, I tried to keep the desperation and terrible guilt out of my voice and hoped I came across as innocently curious.

"It's very possible." He answered finally. "It's not quite the same as humans though, animal blood keeps us strong but never fully satisfied."

At this point we had begun to walk and talk.

"Oh," I replied stupidly "but it's doable?"

"In time, it is difficult. It's why many of our kind refuse this lifestyle." He explained, his golden eyes meeting my ruby ones.

I nodded in understanding and fell into step with him.

"How did your coven discover this?" I asked eagerly "If you don't mind my asking, of course." I added, not wanting to push too much.

"Not at all, it was Carlisle who discovered it. After his transformation he refused to be a monster and hunted animals instead. He's never tasted human blood." He finished.

"Wow." I said and remembered something I'd been wondering about "and he is actually a doctor?"

Edward nodded, "Among the very best."

"You admire him." I stated, wondering what it was like to have a respectable coven leader.

"He is a very impressive man, he has done much for me."

We fell into silence but I still hadn't said what I'd really wanted.

"I think… I'd like to try." I said finally, looking up to find his eyes watching me.

"Try?"

"Your diet."

"Really?"

"I think so, I just wouldn't really know how to go about it." I concluded, too nervous to ask for help.

"I could show you the ropes, if you like?"

"You'd do that?" I asked as I stopped and turned to face him, wondering why he would want to do anything for me.

"Of course." He affirmed. I felt the corners of my mouth tick up.

"Thank you, I'd appreciate it." I said with all the sincerity I could muster.

"You are very welcome." He smiled and I tried not to swoon.

"We're about 10 miles away from the house and I feel I should warn you about what we're walking into."

"What do you mean?" I asked, suddenly alarmed.

"We're preparing. Jasper is training us for a fight."

I nodded expecting as much.

"You'll also meet our cousins. We're staying with them."

"Cousins?"

"Our friends- the Denalis'. We joke that we are as close as cousins since they are the only other coven we know of that shares our diet."

"Ok" I said, suddenly nervous there would be more vampires than I was expecting. "How many are they?"

"Five."

I inhaled in slight shock, "Wow, so big family reunion, huh?"

He smirked at my lame attempt at a joke and continued,

"In total we are a group of twelve."

I nodded. An army of twelve vampires is a force to be reckoned with.

"Well, I suppose the number is thirteen now." I added lightly.

He smiled grimly but said nothing.

We walked in silence and I looked around and realized with a twinge of embarrassment from how long I'd held onto his jacket.

"By the way, sorry I stole your jacket," I muttered.

"Not a problem," He flashed me his crooked smile, "you wear it better." My dead heart fluttered, I smiled bashfully.

"We should hurry." He said "They're expecting us soon."

I nodded in agreement and we took off in a run.

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