Chapter 8: Understanding Carly

I'm back! I know it's been nearly 3 years, for that I apologise. It has been a hard few years. Since my last update I finished my apprenticeship (which involved writing course work that amounted to 66,000 words). I had a break down at work and was off on long term sick leave for 6 months, and since then have not been able to get back to full hours, and have been in therapy for 2 years. As well some other personal stuff. So, it's not been great. But I am doing better and ready to get writing in 2021.

Also sorry for how angry the last chapter was I had just broken up with my boyfriend when writing it and his name was Sam so I had a lot of anger built up as well I found it really hard writing the name Sam over and over.

Anyway, enough about me, let's get on with the story. This chapter is a lot calmer, and Sam light.

(thank you for anyone who actually read this author note)

Freddie Pov

The next morning...

I turned to look at the clock on my bedside table, the big red numbers flashing 06:00. I hadn't slept a wink, which is not going to do my chances of passing this exam any good. Sam didn't stop crying until midnight, by which time I had carried her into my room so if she could she was able to fall asleep. We didn't really talk much after the event, I just held her hoping she would know I was there for her. I was still so confused by what took place. I would never have thought Carly would react like that. Throughout the years of 'professing' my love to her not once did I get the feeling she thrived from it. She seemed to put up with it, for whatever reasons but never to the point she couldn't live without it. Don't even get me started on Carly dismissing Sam's feelings. All of me wishes she didn't mean to be dismissive and just didn't think, but I'm not holding out much hope. One thing Carly doesn't like to do is admit when she is wrong.

"What time is it" Sam said stifling a yawn, her tired face looking up at me.

"Just gone six, we still have time before we have to get to school." I said kissing her forehead. I heard her grown and bury her head in my chest. "I'm not going."

"Sam, you can't not go. We have that math exam."

"Like I care about that, I didn't study and even if I did scrape any sort of pass it won't make me pass math this year."

"That's not true, you had started to improve your grades since we began dating, you said last week that Mr Howard asked if you had been cheating because your grades had improved, and if you kept it up you wouldn't have to do summer school. So unfortunately, that doesn't pass. Look I know after last night you won't want to see Carly, so how about we make a deal, you sneak in for the exam and then just skip the rest of the day? I would rather you stay all day but that seems cruel and unusual punishment for you"

Sam groaned further into my chest and I could just hear her mumble annoyance about how I listen to much and why couldn't I be like normal blokes and space out when their girlfriend talks. "Fine. But if Carly comes anywhere near me, I'm leaving."

I nodded my head, I wasn't going to push her further, I just want her to take that exam, I know she has the potential to pass it and not have to repeat the subject in summer school. This fight is just another knock to her confidence, she already struggles to believe in herself. Teachers, friends even her mom don't ever give her any reassurance she can be more than this screw up she has built herself to be. Only Carly, Spencer and now me show her how amazing she is and her potential; but now I fear Carly has undone all the hard work she has spent 10 years instilling in her. If Sam does leave school maybe I will have a chance to talk to Carly and try and find out what has been going on in her head, it was a lot to throw at her in one go. I'm hoping it was a disastrous case of being overwhelmed.

"Come on we best get ready the test is first thing."

"Sam, Sam wait, Sam!" I heard Carly yelling as Sam was bolting out the door. I was hanging back, this is something we had agreed this earlier, even though Carly now knows we have been seeing each other we weren't ready for the world to know as well, especially considering her reaction.

"There's no point she won't stop." I said from behind. "Freddie." She said with an almost sigh, as she turned around to face me. In the corner of my eye, I spotted Sam look at me with almost relief and thanks in her eyes that I pulled Carly away from her, as she was rightly so not ready to confront her. Though I don't know if I was ready for this conversation. Even without the confrontation with Sam, where she completely dismissed her feelings, the main question is why did she care about me not loving her, did she love me? Obviously, I am not faultless in this situation, I have caused all of this, by being afraid to be honest. I had already regretted not being honest with Sam years ago, it could have saved years of pain on both sides but I have never felt so much regret as I do in this moment. Unfortunately, it was too late to bolt like my girlfriend just had. This conversation was happening whether I was ready or not.

"Why is she running, we need to talk about this. Look last night didn't go well we both have to take responsibility for the fallout there I mean yo.." "Stop." No, I was not allowing her to wangle her way out of the blame on this, Sam only ran, only cried because Carly was completely out of bounds last night.

"No Carly, You and I both know why she is running, and maybe you could put the responsibility on us for keeping a massive secret from you, but to be honest can you blame us after your reaction when you are meant to be our best friend. But the fallout from last night is on your head, and your head alone. Sam did not stop crying for hours last night because of your complete disregard of everything she was telling you. Did you not even hear her? She was talking about her dad. Her Dad! The man I think she has mentioned once since we have known her. And the best you could come up with is "So Freddie, you never loved me?" Really!? I don't even understand why that is a problem, you always hated me fawning over you. And for that I truly apologise, it wasn't fair on you to hide my feelings like that, but dismissing Sam your so-called best friend like that? How could you?"

I let out a breath I didn't know I had been holding, but finally looking at Carly's face guilt began to fill me. As angry as I was at her maybe I shouldn't have been that harsh. "I'm sorry, that might have been overly harsh, I am just upset and angry. But I do hope you understand where I am coming from."

Carly didn't say anything for a while, just kept looking at her feet in what I can only assume is shame. "Freddie, I don't know what I can say to make this better. You are right, how I handled myself yesterday wasn't okay but I was in a compete state of shock. It's not an excuse I know that, and I feel awful that I caused Sam to hurt that much. It was just all too much really, and I don't think I was really processing what Sam was saying until after I left. I was going to come back in, I came back about half an hour after I walked out but I heard Sam crying still and you trying to calm her down and I thought the last thing you guys needed was me again. I hope you do know I love Sam, and I would do anything for her, and I don't want this to ruin our friendship. But truth be told aside from all this awfulness with Sam I was still feeling something towards...you" She whispered the last part so I wasn't even sure I heard it right. I am so confused right now; I don't know how to react. I am glad she does feel remorse at how she treated Sam and knows it was wrong, how she will fix it with her that's another battle for after school, but right now the bigger elephant in the room now are these suspicious feelings towards me. I thought it was just for attention not actual feelings?

I felt like a fish as my mouth kept opening and closing as I didn't know what to say. "Carly, I am glad you understand what you did to Sam was wrong and I will try afterschool to help fix it with her. But with the other bit, are you sure you were feeling something towards me, and it wasn't just you missing the attention I was giving you? Look I know a lot of this is my fault, I should never have treated you the way I have all these years, it was really stupid and selfish of me. If I could go back in the past and change it I would. But I am with Sam now and I am the happiest I have been my whole life, and I may not have been fair to you over the years but I really hope you can respect and accept that. Also, you do seem happy with Cameron and I would hate for that to go wrong just because of me."

I started feeling sick waiting for a response from her, I was as honest as I could be, I don't know what else I could have said. "I understand. I mean I don't really get how you and Sam could from basically hating each other to dating, but I guess I'll get used to it. In regards to me thinking I have feelings for you I'll deal with it, you might be right that I miss the attention which is really horrible of me. And I don't blame you for how you have acted all these years, I could have been a lot more forceful in stopping you. I think I did just like the attention and having a backup plan, it's nice knowing someone loves you even if you don't love them back."

"Well maybe we can both take the blame for how we have acted over the years. What's more important now is Sam, and making sure she is okay. The bell for next period is about to go, we better get to class, we can come up with a plan at lunch to talk to Sam. She may be hurt and angry but she doesn't want to lose you either. I hope we will be okay, friends."

"Friends."

Thank you so much for reading! You are all incredible for reading it after all this time. I hope to update more often from now on.

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Bye xx