CHAPTER 9

The feeling of my phone vibrating in the side pocket of my leggings jogged me out of a deep sleep. The clock on the bedside table said it was ten o'clock. Jace had rolled over and had pulled the back of my body against the front of his. His big arm was draped over my side and his face was nestled in my hair near the back of my neck. He was sleeping soundly from the sound of his soft, rhythmic breathing. I carefully lifted his arm and slid out from under him. I pulled the phone from my leggings to see that Junior had tried to call me. I tiptoed out of the bedroom and walked to the top of the stairs before I called him back.

"Are you and Jace okay, Maddy? We haven't heard from you in hours." said Junior.

"We're okay. Jace is asleep. I got him to eat a little something and take a bath. He crashed into bed a couple of hours ago," I said. I kept my voice barely above a whisper, not wanting to wake Jace up. His body and his mind both needed rest desperately.

"Did he talk to you at all?"

"A little. I didn't want to push him too far right away. He's pretty angry with me right now. Angry at the world, really."

"Do you want me to come get you now?" I thought for a few seconds before I answered.

"No, I think it's best if I stay here. I can keep a close eye on him that way. Would it be too much trouble to have my things sent over here?"

"Sure, honey. No problem. I'll be there in a little while."

While I waited for Junior to arrive, I checked the kitchen cabinets and refrigerator and wrote out a list of groceries. When that was complete, I continued the cleaning process I had begun earlier. There was very little food in the house and it was important for Jace to eat right while he was withdrawing from alcohol. I suspected he had spent the better part of the last few weeks drunk. Within the hour, Junior appeared at the front door of Rocking Horse with my suitcase and other belongings. I handed him the list of groceries, which he promised to have delivered in the morning. I thanked him for his help.

"No, honey...thank you," he said, pulling me into an embrace before he left. I watched his big truck pull away from the house and around the semi-circular drive until it drove out onto the main road that connected Rocking Horse with North Star. I finished picking up the living room, gathering up the bags of cans I had picked up earlier and put them in the recycling container in the kitchen. I found the laundry room just off the kitchen. I took one of the large wicker baskets and filled it with all of the dirty clothes that had been strewn across the living room, kitchen, entry hall and back porch, then loaded them into the washing machine. As they washed, I emptied the refrigerator of all the expired food and tossed them into the garbage, swept and mopped the floor. I tossed the clothes into the dryer and sat down at the kitchen table. Feeling my own fatigue set in, I decided that the rest of the cleaning could wait until tomorrow. I picked up my suitcase and headed back upstairs.

I opened the door to the bedroom as quietly as I could. Jace was still sleeping soundly, which eased my mind a little. I prayed he could sleep a little more peacefully tonight than he had over the last few weeks. Thinking back to the man he appeared to be a few months ago to the shell he was now filled my heart with an overwhelming sadness. He was such an amazing man, full of love and capable of doing great things with whatever he put his mind to. The only thing his mind could manage to do now was blame me and Matt for why his life was in shambles. As much as I tried to deny that, he wasn't entirely wrong. I knew making the decision to stay with Matthew was going to hurt him, but it was the only choice I had. My biggest mistake was thinking Jace was alright with it.

I set my suitcase down on the large low dresser that sat at the end of the king sized bed. It was near midnight and my body was beyond tired. I pulled out my nightgown and toiletries bag and walked into the bathroom. I changed out of my clothes, washed my face and brushed my teeth. I turned out the light and came back into the bathroom. Jace had rolled over onto his back with his arms resting on the pillows above his head, The expression on his face was much more relaxed now. I watched him as I looked through my purse for my hairbrush. I wanted to make his pain go away, and knowing I was the main reason that he was in pain in the first place was difficult to come to terms with. I gave my hair a quick brush, then climbed back on the bed next to him, curling up on the opposite side of him and staying on top of the covers. I felt him turn his body over towards me. He draped his arm across my side with his right hand cradling my baby bump.

"Come here, Cook," he growled low against my ear and gently pressed his body against mine. I fought back the tears that were begging to fall. Even in his reduced state, I was still instantly drawn to him. He could say things that would cut me in two and I would forgive him and still love him. He was the man that brought love into my life after I thought it would never find me again. The fact that I was married to someone else fifteen years after he had been reported dead, hadn't dulled the love I had for him. When he came to Chicago, most of the memories I had of us came with him and I knew I would never fully be able to get over him, despite the years that had passed and the physical distance between us. Every time I was with him, it was as if Matthew didn't exist and that scared the hell out of me. I told myself and Matthew that going to Texas was strictly to help Jace. In my heart, I knew that wasn't entirely true. I had come to Texas for me, too. My emotional connection to this big, beautiful man who was lying beside me was undeniable. If I told him that I thought the baby I was carrying was his, some of his pain might go away. As much as I wanted to do that for him, I knew it would only cause more pain for Matthew and me. I felt like his entire fate and the fate of my marriage was solely in my hands. Jace had given me back my life and now, I was determined to do the same for him. But at what cost. I closed my eyes and prayed for God to give me the answers I desperately needed.

Before I opened my eyes, the unmistakable waves of nausea woke me out of a deep sleep. I bolted out of bed and ran straight into the bathroom, reaching the toilet just in time to vomit. I felt a few beads of sweat break out on my forehead as a feeling of dizziness took over. I slumped down to the floor in front of the toilet, resting my head on the cool porcelain and panting like I had run a marathon. I stayed there for several minutes with my eyes closed until the room stopped spinning. Just as I was about to get up, Jace appeared in the doorway. He had put on his prosthesis and had pulled on a pair of boxer briefs.

"Jesus, are you okay, Cook?" he said as he came closer and kneeled down next to me. The concern on his face touched me. He brushed the sweat soaked hair off of my forehead and cupped my face in his hands.

"Yeah, I'm okay. Morning sickness is still kicking my ass, though," I said. He helped me up off the floor and walked me back into the bedroom. I sat down on the side of the bed as he went back into the bathroom. He came out with a glass of water.

"Here," he said, handing me the glass.

"I'm supposed to be taking care of you, cowboy...not the other way around," I said, taking the glass from his hand and sipping from it. His eyes were clear and bright. Some color had returned to his cheeks. He looked much better than when I first saw him yesterday afternoon.

"The sound of you getting sick woke me up," he said, rubbing my back. "For a minute when I first heard you, I thought it was fifteen years ago. I remember waking up many mornings to the sound of you throwing up when you were pregnant with Harper.

"I'm sorry. Go back to sleep. You need the rest. I'll be okay," I said. I put the glass down on the nightstand and stood up. He climbed back into bed and I pulled the covers up over him.

"Don't be sorry. It was like music to my ears," he said. I sat back down and caressed his face with my hand. "Are you sure you're okay, Cook?" he asked.

"I'm fine, really. I'm going to take a quick shower and get dressed, then I promise I won't disturb you anymore."

"You're not disturbing me. You could never disturb me, baby."

"You seemed pretty disturbed by me yesterday when I first arrived," I said, giving him a soft smile.

"I'm so sorry about that. Don't hold it against me, please. I was raging drunk and half out of my mind. Seeing you standing in our living room shocked the hell out of me. I never expected you to see me like that," he said. A few tears rolled down the side of his head and onto the pillow.

"It's okay, everybody is allowed to be self-destructive every now and then. Go back to sleep. Is there anything you need before I go get ready?"

"You, baby...I need you," he said.

"I'm right here."

"But for how long?"

"For as long as it takes." I leaned down and kissed him on the forehead, got up from the bed and headed for the bathroom door.

"Cookie?"

"Yeah?" I said, stopping and turning around to look at him.

"I love you."

"I love you too, cowboy."

The groceries had been delivered around nine o'clock and I had spent the last two hours putting things away and prepping food for the next few days. I snapped the cover on a shrimp and pasta salad and slid it into the refrigerator just as the timer on the oven beeped, signalling that the sweet potato pie was done. I took it out and set it on a rack to cool on the counter, then made myself a cup of herbal tea. I took it and one of the blueberry muffins I had made earlier out onto the back porch. I sat down on the large overstuffed couch, drawing my feet up underneath me. Looking out into the field, I could see several horses grazing through the tall grass. The sun was high and a few wispy white clouds streaked the bright blue sky. The air was fresh and cool, but not uncomfortable. The peacefulness and simplicity of the surroundings enveloped me, lulling me into a calmness that I welcomed. After the drama of last night, I prayed that Jace wouldn't be so defensive today. He used to take pride and comfort in this ranch, but the man I saw last night was not the man he once was. I was going to do all I could to help him be that man again. By the time I had come out of the shower earlier this morning, he had fallen back into a deep sleep. His body and his mind were both beat and needed to recover.

I finished my late morning breakfast and put the cup and plate in the dishwasher. I folded the clothes that I had tossed in the dryer last night and placed them in a laundry basket. I walked out of the laundry room to see Jace standing in the middle of the kitchen. He was dressed in a pair of Carhartt pants and a white t-shirt. His blue eyes were brighter and a faint pink had replaced his grey pallor from last night.

"Mornin', baby. Let me get that," he said, taking the wicker basket from my hands.

"Morning, cowboy. Did you sleep well?"

"I did. The last time I slept like that was in Chicago with you next to me. You must be the magic bullet I need," he said.

"You were near exhaustion, Jace. I'm pretty sure you would have slept with or without me there. Are you hungry? I made muffins and the coffee is still hot."

"Sounds good," he said. He put the basket down on the floor and took a seat at the kitchen table. I sliced one of the muffins in half and slathered it with butter and poured him a large mug of coffee. I put the muffin in a small plate and set it and the coffee in front of him. He downed half the muffin in a few bites and washed it down with several sips of coffee.

"Goddamn, baby...you've been busy," he said, looking at the array of baked goods that lined the kitchen counter.

"I gave Junior a list of things I needed. They were delivered a few hours ago and I got to work. How are you feeling this morning?"

"Still a little rough, but better, thanks to you."

"My pleasure, cowboy. I'd like to know where you want to go from here, when you're ready. The next step is up to you."

"I'd really like to talk some more, if that"s all right with you. You don't bullshit me. I need that," he said.

"I will always tell you the truth, Jace," I said. "Not always" said my inner voice. Just then, I felt a flutter in my abdomen. The baby moved for the first time, catching me off guard. "Ooh," I said, placing my hand on my little bump.

"You okay, Cook?" asked Jace, looking concerned.

"Yeah...the baby moved. It's the first time I've felt anything. Took me by surprise," I said.

"Is it okay if I…" said Jace, hovering his palm over my tummy.

"Are you sure you want to do this? You might not feel it like I do," I asked. He nodded his head that he did, but the look on his face was tentative. I took his hand and placed it on my abdomen. Within a minute, the baby moved again.

"Holy Christ..." he said, smiling broadly for the first time since I arrived. He looked like the Jackson Walker I fell in love with and it warmed my heart. He was visibly choked up and instinctively, I wanted to spill my guts and tell him what my suspicions were about the baby inside me.

"Jackson, there's something I need to…." I was interrupted by the sound of my cell phone ringing. I had left it on the couch on the porch. I excused myself from the table to answer it. I didn't recognize the number.

"Hello?"

"Hello, Miss Maddy. This is Harper Walker." Hearing her sweet little voice in my ear stopped my heart. She was my daughter. She looked exactly like me, yet I was a stranger to her. There was something about that dichotomy that was inherently wrong, but there was nothing that could be done to change that.

"Hi, Harper. How are you?" I asked. Talking to my flesh and blood in such a disconnected manner was playing with my head. Everything I would say to her in this conversation would be perfunctory at best.

"I'm fine, Miss Maddy. I was callin' about Uncle Jace. I've been so worried about him. Daddy gave me your phone number. I hope you don't mind," she said, choking back her tears.

"No, honey...I don't mind at all. Your Uncle Jace is doing better today. He slept late and is finishing up his breakfast right now. Do you want to talk to him? I think he'd like to hear your voice." She eagerly agreed, so I walked back into the kitchen and handed Jace the phone.

"It's Harper. She's worried about you." He took the phone from my hand and put it up to my ear.

"Hello, darlin'...yeah, it's nice to hear your voice too. No, darlin'...I haven't been ignoring you...my phone is dead, is all. I keep forgettin' to plug it in. I'm feeling a little better today. Miss Maddy is here and she always makes me feel better. Yeah, you're right...she is a very nice lady...yep, and pretty, too. I miss you too, darlin', but I'll tell you what...I am gonna do everything I can to get better so we can see each other again real soon...I promise. You and Miss Maddy are the two people that make me want to get better, so I'm gonna work real hard at it. OK, darlin'...I'll see you and Chuckles soon. I love you too." He ended the call, put my phone down on the table and covered his face with his hands.

"Jackson... are you alright?" I said, laying my hand on his shoulder. He wiped his eyes and tucked his hair behind his ears.

"I love her so much, baby...just as much as I love you. It tears me up knowing she's been so worried about me. I used to think I was a better man than to let my own bullshit drag me down and hurt others in the process. She deserves better from me and so do you."

"She loves you a lot too, Jace. The way she held onto me and cried proved that."

"Christ, she hugged you? How did Audra handle that? She always looks scared to death anytime Harper is anywhere near me."

"To tell you the truth, I think it made her pretty uncomfortable. She made Imogen take her back to her room."

"Yeah, that sounds like something she'd do. She's so worried that Harper will find out the truth. I wish she'd stop to think before she acts," he said, the anger in his voice apparent.

"Cut her some slack. None of us are perfect, Jackson," I said, squeezing his shoulder.

"You are...to me, anyway," he said, smiling softly.

"But I'm a three times married whore, remember?" He grimaced slightly before breaking into another smile. He pulled me down into his lap.

"And I'm a self-pitying, drunken sonofabitch," he said. His eyes were still a little bloodshot, but they were a brighter shade of blue and burning with a familiar, if slightly less intense fire. His hand snaked up the side of my face to the back of my neck. He pulled me in close and kissed me softly on the mouth. My body responded instantly. My heart raced with excitement and the passion that this man's presence filled me with. I pulled away from him and abruptly got up off of his lap. I knew these feelings were wrong and giving in to them would only end up hurting him, and ultimately myself and Matt. I picked up the empty plate and cup and put them into the dishwasher and tried like hell to compose myself.

"Do you think calling your therapist would be helpful? Junior told me you stopped seeing him several weeks ago. Maybe now would be a good time to start…" Jace interrupted me before I could finish.

"Dr. Lawrence? No, Cook...not yet. I don't feel much like talking to anyone except you. That's all I need right now. You know me...I've never been one to ask for help. If I need a mountain moved, I move it myself."

"Yeah, you're a stubborn man. But I'm not a doctor, Jace. I'm a social worker, I help people get the services they need...and you need a professional's help. We can keep talking if you want, but eventually, you're going to need more."

He rose up from the kitchen chair and walked up behind me. He placed his hands on the edge of the kitchen counter and pressed the front of his body against the back of mine. A shockwave ran through me as he leaned in close and put his lips against my ear.

"I'll never need anyone more than I need you." Suddenly feeling angry at being made to feel like his only chance at redemption after he had hurled insults at me the night before, I pushed my way out from between his arms.

"Don't do that, Jackson...don't put me up on some goddamn pedestal! Last night, you didn't even want me here and now this morning, you're acting like I'm your savior. You can't have it both ways. I'm not the perfect woman you seem to think I am...not even close, so don't idealize me."

"You're perfect for me, baby...that's all that matters, isn't it? You're what makes me want to get better. This is the first morning in weeks that I looked forward to getting up and facing the day."

"That's great, but what happens to that after I leave here? I'll have to go back home at some point and where will that leave you? I don't want the pressure of being the only reason you want to live your life, especially since you made it clear that I'm the reason for your downward spiral into hell. I can't deal with that .I'm not worthy of that."

"You are worthy of that, Cookie...you're everything to me."

"By the sober light of day on day one, maybe...but when I leave here, what's to stop you from giving up and going backwards again?"

"If I know I have your love, I won't slide backwards."

"You had my love when you left Chicago, Jackson...yet you spun out of control anyway!"

"Yeah, I did... I fell apart. So sue me. When I came to Chicago, I had every intention of winning you back and taking you away with me to rebuild the life we had before I went to war. When that asshole cheated on you and we spent those two weeks together, it gave me hope that it could actually happen, even though I knew in my heart that it probably never would. You had a new life with another man and a son to think about, but it didn't stop me from dreaming about it or praying for it. When you decided to go back to him, it was no surprise. It hurt like hell, but at least I felt like I had a piece of you to take with me...something to hold on to...a part of you that would always belong to me and not him. Harper is that, too...she's ours, Cook...our baby girl, a part of you and me, but she'll never know that and it eats away at me everyday, so when you told me you were gonna have his baby, I felt as if I'd lost that part that was just mine. It was one more way that you were connected to him and not me. Don't you see that?"

"Yes, I do, but that doesn't change the fact that you lied to me about how well you were handling everything. How do you think I felt when Junior told me what happened to you? I felt completely responsible! I'm a professional who's been trained to dig deeper to help people, but I failed to be objective because it was you. I saw what I wanted to see. I shouldn't have ignored the signs. I should have known better than to let myself..." A sob caught in my throat, preventing me from saying anything further. Jace walked over to where I was standing. He placed his fingers under my chin and lifted my face up to his.

"Then to let yourself do what?" I closed my eyes and drew a deep breath in.

"Fall in love with you again." He bent slightly at the knees and wrapped his arms around my waist. He lifted me up so my face was level with his.

"That's all I needed to hear," he said, brushing his lips across mine.

"No, Jace...don't. Put me down," I said, struggling to move my body away from his. He reluctantly set me down on the floor. He looked like a wounded animal.

"But you love me, Cook...you just said it."

"Yes, I love you, but you're not hearing anything else I'm saying! This life that you envision between us can never happen, no matter how much we both might want it. My loving you doesn't change the fact that I love Matthew too. I will always be connected to him and that will only set us back to square one, right where we were yesterday when I first got here. You have to learn to live with me being Matt's wife, just like I have to learn to live with…" A flood of tears took over, rendering me unable to speak again. He walked up behind me and wrapped his arms around the front of me. He placed his chin on my shoulder and whispered against my ear.

"What, baby? Tell me, please."

"I have to learn to live with never feeling with Matthew the way I do when I'm with you," I said through a series of sobs. He held on to me tightly and his big hands caressed my arms as his voice cracked with emotion as he spoke.

"Before I left Chicago, I told you to be honest with yourself about which man loves you more...me or him. I never asked for your answer then, but I'm asking now, Madeleine...who is it? I need to know."

"You, Jackson...it's always been you. No one has ever loved me the way you do," I said.

"Then why is it so goddamn impossible for us to be together, Cook? I don't understand," he said. His eyes searched my face, looking for the answer he wanted in the corners of my mouth, in the light in my eyes.

"Because my hands are tied, for Christ's sake! I'm married to him! We have a child together and another baby on the way. I have a whole other life now and I can't change it without a lot of people getting hurt! But you can, Jackson. You have the power to find something else to live for and someone else to love. It can't be me anymore. If you can't do that, then my being here is only going to be a waste of time."

He pressed his thumb and index finger into his eye sockets, stopping the tears from rolling down his face. His chest heaved as he choked back the cries that were fighting to escape from it.

"I know I said I needed you not to bullshit me, but goddamn, Cook...I didn't need to hear that."

"Do you want me to go? I don't want to make things harder for you."

"No, Cook...I want you to stay. If I'm gonna do this right, I need you to push me."

"Then what's next?"

"Go ahead and call Dr. Lawrence. I'm gonna need more help than I was willing to admit."

"OK, I'll do that. Is there anything else you need me to do?" He cupped my face in his hands and looked down at me. The intensity of his blue eyes burned right through me.

"Yeah, Cook...you can answer one more question for me...you've admitted that you know that I love you more than Matt ever will...but did you ever ask yourself which one of us you love more?" It was a question I had been afraid to ask myself for the last several months, even though I already knew the answer. I couldn't bring myself to say it out loud. Not now. Not ever. I pulled his hands away from my face and ran out of the kitchen in tears. The truth would change everything I had known for the last five years of my life and I couldn't face that. He caught up with me at the bottom of the stairs and turned me around to face him. I stared at him, my eyes filled with tears. I couldn't say the words he wanted to hear.

"Tell me, goddammit...I need to hear it."

"Does it make a difference, Jackson? Because no matter what the answer is, someone gets hurt."

"It makes a difference to me, baby."

"I love both of you. Isn't that good enough?"

"No, goddammit! That's not an answer, Madeleine."

"It's the only answer you're going to get," I turned and walked up the stairs and into the master bedroom. I gathered up my things from the bathroom and tossed them in my suitcase. I couldn't spend another night in this room with Jace and he would have to accept that. Staying with him, lying next to him in the same bed would be inviting trouble. My resolve was too weak when I was around him. My attraction to him was far too strong. It would be much safer to stay in one of the spare rooms for the rest of the time here. Better for me, better for Matt...better for everyone.