AN: The title kind of explains it. On Wattpad, most Fallout stories are just oneshots that ship random characters with the reader. So I don't usually take requests on Wattpad, since I rarely write romance. But my best friend and editor requested... this. So I wrote it in one night, and it amuses me far too much to delete. That said, feel free to skip it if crack isn't your poison of choice.

Also, this contains spoilers for pretty much everything in Fallout 3, not including DLC.

Why I Don't Take Requests

Synopsis: (Alternate Universe - Crackfic) Wade the Lone Wanderer take on his most dangerous challenge yet: to find and kiss every person in the Capital Wasteland. (T)

"You're serious."

"Dead serious."

Wade stared at the woman. She hadn't smiled or even blinked this entire time. She meant what she'd said.

"Wanderer?" she prompted.

"Every living thing."

"The sentient ones, yes."

"For 100,000 caps."

"Yes."

"Which you have."

"Which I have."

"...Why?"

"Because I want to believe it can be done."

"That's not a good reason. And why me?"

"Because you're the only one who can."

This, Wade realized, was true. Who else had the connections, the resources, the sheer gall, to face such a massive undertaking? If anyone could do what this strange, ghostly woman had requested, it was Wade. The Lone Wanderer.

Wade sighed. He was going to argue some more, but in his heart, he had already accepted.

He looked back at her. "Does it have to be on the lips?"

"Obviously."

(—)

Wade knew he should start small. Get some experience. Kissing every sentient being in the Capital Wasteland wasn't something you just jumped into.

He knew he should have declined from the getgo. But, first of all, it definitely wasn't wise to refuse a request from a woman who looked like that. She was about his age, not particularly notable in any way, but that her skin emitted a soft glow, and she could appear and disappear at will.

Really, he had never even considered saying no. It wasn't in his nature. And secondly, he needed those caps if he was going to find his dad. He had no doubts that the woman could deliver on her promise, so long as he delivered on his.

He trudged into the most obvious starting place: Moriarty's Saloon. Nova. Easy peasy.

"Hey there," he greeted his first quarry.

"Hiya, handsome. What do you need?"

He shoved a small pouch into her hand. "Thirty caps. For, uh... this."

Wade leaned forward and locked his lips with hers. It was, honestly, his second-ever kiss (and really, he and Amata had been just teasing the first time), but Nova accepted it professionally, masking her bafflement. It was also supremely unsexy, but in truth, Wade hoped that all of the kisses to come would be equally thrillless.

"Thanks, Nova."

"No problem, honey. You mind if I ask...?"

"I do, actually. Unless... you feel like helping me out?"

"With what?"

Wade glanced around conspiratorially. "I need a game plan."

(—)

Stockholm squeezed his eyes shut, then opened them. He felt equally impressed and violated by the young man's commitment towards scaling Megaton's walls just to kiss him. "Are you done?"

"Yes," Wade proclaimed blissfully. "I'm done! Megaton is checked off my list. Every. Single. Villager. You know how much work it took, Stockholm?"

"Yeah. I saw you running around down there for the past day and a half. You're crazy, man."

"I know." Wade breathed a sigh of relief.

"Billy nearly decked you when you went after his little girl."

"I know. But I just got her on the head. I don't think the lady will mind if I bend the rules for minors, do you?"

"Pal, I've got no idea what you're talking about."

"Yeah."

(—)

Wade's reputation grew - his battle prowess, his heroism, but most distinctly, his determination to kiss you. Yes, you. And your brother. And your girlfriend. Some accepted it, some tried to avoid him, and a select few would even seek him out, just to take part in his bizarre ritual.

Luckily, the woman had specified that his target was every living thing. That meant that he only had to kiss everyone he didn't kill. This was especially fortuitous, because raiders had awful breath. And knives.

Entire settlements fell victim to his quest. One by one, he checked every living thing off the list. Three Dog began dedicating every replay of Butcher Pete to the Lone Wanderer and his unbeatable lips. The woman showed up occasionally, giving moral support. He appreciated her company. He really was alone out here.

(—)

"No."

"Oh, come on."

"Back away."

"I haven't even asked yet."

"This is an abuse of power."

"It's not like you're the only one who has to go through it."

"You saw what I just did to Ahzrukhal, did you not?"

"I did. And I promise we're going to have a delightful and murderless relationship, after we get this out of the way."

"You cannot promise that."

"What, you're gonna kill me for kissing you?"

"For being a degenerate. Potentially."

"I guess I'll just have to keep your contract forever, then."

"Please do not."

"I just paid 1000 caps, the least you can do is calm down about it."

"I am bound to obey, but I owe you nothing."

"Neither does anyone else in this wasteland, buddy. Deal with it."

"No."

"Stand still."

"I hate you."

"And... crouch. A little. You're tall."

"I hate you very much."

(—)

Realization dawned on Wade. This dog... was his father. The man who had taught him to read, to bandage a wound, to treat others with respect. A forlorn-looking dog that barely came up to his knee.

It was a little mortifying, considering what the little guy had seen so far.

Tranquility Lane's... wrongness... was no match for Wade's mission. The citizens had all been politely bemused at the small boy borderline-assaulting them, but they were too mild-mannered to do anything about it. Betty, on the other hand, had let out a wave of violent electric energy, driving him bodily into the ground. But he had gotten his kisses.

"Hi, Dad. That's you, isn't it?" Wade asked the dog. Looking at him for real, he could see a hint of the old wisdom he had always seen in his father's eyes. "I just want to say... I'm sorry about this. But it's only gonna get more awkward if I wait, so..."

He hopped to one knee and planted a kiss on his dog dad's wet snout.

The dog jumped in alarm, then shook himself with a glare of consternation. Wade could already hear the talking-to he was about to get, but he could live with that.

"You have your mission, and I have mine." Wade grinned and trotted off.

(—)

Wade became a dangerous man with the loss of his father. And his mission to kiss became all the more merciless.

He broke into homes at night. He knocked people unconscious when he had to. No one - no one - was safe.

Harold the tree man - kissed. He was so amused by the weird, confident Casanova that he let himself be convinced to continue living.

President Dave - kissed. And his wife, and his family. War was threatened, but Wade wasn't particularly afraid.

Star Paladin Cross - kissed. She was not happy about it. But she knew Wade was a hero, and accepted it as one of his idiosyncrasies. (Charon never did.)

Three Dog - kissed. He accepted it as a token of honor.

The Mysterious Stranger - kissed. Wade took a bullet leaping into action in the middle of a firefight, but he got the job done.

Amata - kissed. That one was superfluous, admittedly.

RJ MacCready - kissed right on the forehead. (He took some convincing.)

Every man, woman, and ghoul - kissed, kissed, kissed. Enemies began to lay down their arms peacefully, because they'd heard of Wade, and they knew what he wanted. He was able to convince some to rejoin society. He was building a better world, one kiss at a time.

But his greatest challenges were yet to come.

(—)

Augustus Autumn was, of course, determined not to be kissed.

"Stop squirmin' around, young man. Just give me the code."

Wade laughed in his restraints, sanity long forgotten by this point. "Come closer and I'll whisper it to you, Augustus."

"Now, I've heard about your... gay agenda. I'm not having any of it."

"There's nothing gay about it. It's completely friendly. A show of goodwill, even."

"Well, it ends here," Autumn glared.

"Great," Wade muttered to himself. "Now I have to kill you."

(—)

"This is a tough one..." Wade muttered to himself.

The imposing database which held President Eden's consciousness glowed before him.

"To kiss, or not to kiss...?"

"If you're quite finished, Mr. Neeson," said Eden.

"I don't normally kiss robots, President Eden." Wade scratched his chin thoughtfully.

"No further consideration necessary, I think."

"No, there is..." Wade paced impatiently. "I kissed Harkness, after all. It's the principle of the thing."

"I don't follow. But we have a lot to discuss-"

"But I didn't know he was an android at the time. But if I kissed you - well, I'd be taking a stance on artificial intelligence, wouldn't I?" Wade grew frantic. "Am I qualified for that? Would kissing you recognize your legitimacy as President? Am I expected to take a political stance here? I'm just one man, Eden! This is too much of a burden - I - I don't know what to-"

"Wade."

He turned, and saw his questgiver before him. Her face was serene, a stark contrast to the sterile metal Enclave base. She smiled. It was the first show of emotion he'd ever seen from her. He noticed that she had braces on her teeth, and wondered where she'd gotten them.

"You're doing well," she said. "You're nearly finished, now."

"It's too much. I can't."

"You can. I know you can. You're the only one who can."

"But... how will I know...?"

The woman nodded. "Yes?"

"When I'm done? How will I know?"

She put a hand on his shoulder. He was surprised to find that she was solid, not like a ghost at all. "You'll know." And she was gone.

Wade felt like he'd been hit with a dose of Med-X. His nerves soothed, and every question answered. The truth he was looking for - it had been inside him all along.

President Eden broke his stunned silence. "Mr. Neeson, who in the blazes are you talking to?"

Wade sidled up to the president, placed his hand on the glass, and pecked the screen lightly. Before the president could respond, Wade took the FEV, recited the self-destruct sequence, and was gone.

(—)

Wade's stealth field thrummed around him. Stealth Boys were few and far between, and there were plenty of other opportunities to waste them, but he had saved this one for a truly special assignment.

He'd had to use special tactics on the Brotherhood of Steel. They had a lot of pride, and a lot of weapons. He made himself indispensable - so they wouldn't kill him - and took it slow - two or three conquests per day. He struck at random and got out quickly. Guerrilla tactics. Wade even established informants to help him root out the unkissed. The Lone Wanderer was the one threat the Brotherhood couldn't fight.

The Elder was a special case. He was a good man, but "not willing to be part of your little game, Neeson." The man hid behind either a power armor helmet or several guards whenever Wade was spotted nearby, so opportunities to strike were few and far between. Hence, the Stealth Boy.

Lyons spoke gravely to a scribe not three feet from Wade's position. He would never get a better chance. Unfortunately, the Stealth Boy decided to flicker out at that exact moment.

Five seconds later, Wade was running for his life. Apparently, this was a step too far. Energy blasts peppered the Citadel's walls as he darted down the hallway. He passed a gaping Squire Maxson, planted a running kiss squarely on the top of his little head, and continued forward to the sound of the boy's startled complaint.

That was it, he realized.

Arthur was the last one on his list.

Wade skidded to a halt, unsure. He had won. He'd done what his mysterious benefactor had asked. Then, why... why didn't he feel completed? He had to have missed someone. But he couldn't have.

"Okay, funny guy," Sentinel Lyons barked from behind him. "Get those hands behind your head. Your little act stopped being cute about six months ago."

Wade turned to her. "But Sarah, I'm not finished. I know I'm not. There has to be someone I've missed."

"You're going to have to be finished, because we have enough on our hands already without dealing with you. It's impossible to kiss everyone. Not to mention insane. Now surrender, Neeson. You're headed to timeout."

Wade turned away, frustrated. He was close. They couldn't stop him now, not when he was almost there. The one he'd missed, they were out there somewhere, he knew he would find them, if he could just-

Wade looked up. There they were. Not a he or a she. An it.

"Hello, Liberty Prime."

"...No," Sarah murmured.

"That's the one."

"Neeson, back away."

"I can't. Not now." Wade readied himself to climb the robot's stabilizers.

"Wait, you - I thought you don't kiss robots," she countered.

"Some robots deserve special attention. Liberty Prime more than anyone." He gazed up at the titan, filled with vigor. "After this, I'll finally be complete."

Sarah walked into his field of vision, no longer aiming her weapon. Even so, she looked like she was about to throw something. "You kiss the big guy... and you're done?"

"Yes."

"This whole crusade."

"Complete."

"Great," she decided. "Then we're marching on the Jefferson Memorial today."

(—)

They really could have made this easier on Wade. Still, it was fitting that the culmination of his work, and his father's, would happen today. And he did prefer a moving target.

He had run ahead, managing to survive the firefight around him, and up the stairs of an abandoned building. Liberty Prime approached, an unstoppable force ready to meet the Enclave's immovable presence. He had to time this leap just right - but Wade was no amateur.

As the robot passed below him, he hopped down from the building's shattered window and landed straddling its shoulder. It was a bumpier ride than he'd expected. Liberty Prime would not stop killing communists for any reason, least of all for the dashing young man perched on top of him. Wade clambered down to Liberty Prime's broad back and swung down with impressive agility until he was hanging by his arms like a necklace, or maybe a small child.

From there, Wade was in the perfect position to smooch the metallic giant, right on the faceplate.

Victory won, he dropped to the ground and rolled out of the way of the robot's unrelenting legs. It was over. Sure enough, he turned around to see the woman who had started all of this, clapping her luminous hands and beaming proudly.

"I can't believe it. You've really done what I asked."

"Of course," grinned Wade, panting. He leaned in suddenly to peck her on the mouth.

"Hey!" She backed up, jaw open in shock. "What the heck was that about?"

"What?" Wade asked. "You're the one who told me to-"

"Bro."

Wade frowned at having been chastised for his art. "Well, so-rry."

"I forgive you, I guess? Just, like, don't do it again," the woman stuttered, flustered. "Now, about your reward."

"Oh. What about it?" To be honest, Wade had completely forgotten about that.

"I should probably wait until after this battle's over to get it to you."

"Right. Thanks!"

"Thanks back."

"And sorry for... that," Wade muttered quickly.

"It's okay, Wade."

(—)

And so, Wade Neeson, gun enthusiast and lover of freedom, saved the Capital Wasteland, through a combination of grit, dedication, and audacity. He went from hero... to legend. And the world was forever changed.