A/N- Is it repetitive to thank everyone for their continued support? I hope not because I truly do appreciate the time you spend reading and commenting. It means the world to me and inspires me. Please, keep them coming!

Meanwhile, this chapter fought me. I had ideas for how this chapter was going to go, but House and Cuddy just refused to cooperate with those plans! Go figure.

Disclaimer- Oh, just the usual. I don't own them because if I did, Season 7 would have looked so much different.

When a person can't find
a deep sense of meaning,
they distract themselves
with pleasure.

Viktor Frankl

Burying her face into House's shoulder, Cuddy drew a deep breath through her nose, savoring the scent that was so uniquely him. A combination of his cologne, soap, and natural scent that comforted her. She remembered rolling over in the middle of the night and melting into him as the scent enveloped her. It wasn't a pungent scent, wasn't overwhelming, but she would always recognize him by it. Attuned to it, she could track him through the hospital by following the traces of it. Pressed up against him, feeling his arm wrapped around her and his fingers tightening on her waist, her mind wandered to how much headier and muskier he smelled after sex. How his natural cologne developed as sweat formed on his skin. How it would cling to her and her sheets after a particularly passionate night. How she refused to wash her sheets for weeks after their breakup so she could smell him as she fell asleep curled into his pillow.

As if he was reading her thoughts, House spoke low into her shoulder, "You changed your body wash. It's less toasted coconut with a hint of citrus and more," he paused and sniffed into the crook of her neck, "lavender and vanilla… with a bit of musk."

His voice vibrated against her skin. His breath warmed it. His lips brushed against the sensitive spot at the base of the neck. It wasn't deliberate contact but light grazes as he spoke with his face buried into her. Cuddy suppressed a moan as her body reacted to the sensations. Her pulse quickened as her breath shallowed. Warm heat spread across her lower abdomen.

There was so much more they needed to talk about. So much more to discuss. She wanted to know what changed his mind— why he was abandoning his suicide plan and agreeing to call Stacy. The folded paper in his hands, the letter from Wilson, obviously had an impact. She just didn't know why or how. She wanted to ask about his leg and pain. His overnight episode worried her, and she needed to know how often it got that bad. She wanted to know what he was feeling, though she doubted he would open up about it.

None of that mattered to her in the moment. Cuddy could only think of their magnetic draw to each other and how her body was responding to him. Logically, she knew there should have been red warning lights flashing overheard. There could never be just sex between them. Too much history lay behind them. Too many feelings still bubbled to the surface. Too much grief surrounded them. But every logical reason against it also drove her closer to him until she shifted to lift a leg and straddle House's lap, carefully avoiding his thigh.

She shifted and ground her hips against his lap as she reached up to cup his cheeks. Stubble prickled against her palms. Brushing a thumb over his bottom lip, Cuddy stared into his eyes. His eyes were darkened with arousal, the vibrant blue merely a ring around large black pupils. The beginnings of his erection pushed against her sex through their clothes. House slid his hands up and down her sides and leaned forward, letting out a low groan as their lips met for the third time that morning. Cuddy echoed it with a soft moan, opening her lips to accept the tip of his tongue into her mouth. House accepted the invitation, grazing his tongue against hers. She slid her hands from his cheeks to the back of his head, pulling him closer to deepen the kiss. House's hands stopped over her hips, and he pulled them into him, eliminating the space between them. Slowly, languidly, their lips and tongues danced over each other. Cuddy savored one last taste of his mouth, the bitterness of his coffee still lingering on his tongue, before she kissed the corner of his lips and trailed light kisses over his cheek to the sensitive spot behind his ear. He threw his head back and groaned, gripping her hips and pushing them back on his lap when she opened her mouth to lightly suck that spot.

The sudden distance confused her, but Cuddy continued nipping and kissing down his neck before she felt his hands on her shoulders, pushing her away.

"Cuddy…" House growled, voice strained by the effort of restraint.

She looked down and pulled her hands from his head, refusing to meet his eyes as the sting of rejection overwhelmed her. One thing she'd always been confident in was House's attraction to her, but he was pushing her away for the second time that morning. When he ran away earlier, she was able to justify it because they'd come together in such a heated way. This time it was a slow, sensual meeting, not driven by adrenaline. She felt something deeper as they came together, but he clearly didn't want her.

"Cuddy," he repeated, lifting her chin with a finger, but she refused to meet his eyes. She didn't want him to see the hurt in hers. She pulled her shoulders back and started to push herself off his lap when he grabbed her hips and held her in place. Her glare would have wilted most men, but this was House. House thrived on her glares, her clipped tones, and her ability to spar with him. He didn't wilt under the glare but returned a sad, mournful look at he took her hand and guided it to the erection straining his jeans. "I want to, Cuddy. I want you… but we can't."

Cuddy brushed a thumb over the bulge and felt it twitch. "Why not? I like sex, House. You like sex. Why shouldn't we do something that feels good after the last couple days?"

Trying to gather strength, he closed his eyes as she continued stroking with her thumb and pushed her hand away. "You're looking for a distraction."

Cuddy shoved herself off his lap, disgust washing over her face. She snatched the blanket from where it had fallen off their shoulders and stormed away. House turned to watch her, meeting her eyes as she stopped at the door and shot back at him, "No House, that's your thing. Vicodin. Your parade of hookers. All the ridiculous games. It's all about distractions for you."

She was standing at the kitchen counter, pouring another cup of coffee when he made it back inside. Calmly, House took the pot from her hand and poured more into his cup as he spoke, "Sex as a distraction was my thing. But you had your distractions too. Your job. Your home. Building a perfect little family… Lucas. All distractions from the things you didn't want to deal with."

Slamming the mug on the counter, she turned to him. "No, that was all called being an adult, something you never seemed to get a grasp of. A career, a home? You call that distraction?" A low, ironic laugh filled the air. "And Lucas was never a distraction. That was a relationship."

"Bullshit, Cuddy. When something went wrong, you buried yourself in work. You obsessed over the smallest details of your home to avoid bigger issues. And we both know Lucas was always a poor substitute for me."

She wanted to deny it, but it would be a futile effort. She hid behind her job for years. She cleaned and tended to her house when stressed. Focused on issues like toilet seats rather than her bigger concerns in their relationship. And Lucas… she sighed at that thought. He truly was a poor substitute for House. Similar enough to fill the void of House in her life, especially when he was away at Mayfield, but with slightly rounder edges. In the end though, not enough to replace the infuriating man standing in front of her.

Crossing her arms, Cuddy spat back, "And your wife? What was she?"

House shrugged, "A business arrangement. And, like the 'parade of hookers,' a poor substitute for the woman I really wanted with me. But she wasn't a distraction… not like that. I never slept with Dominika. I couldn't."

"Yeah, right," she scoffed. "Then what did you get out of this so-called business arrangement?"

"She was supposed to be a live-in maid, personal assistant, cook, and massage therapist. Didn't work out though. She left for Atlantic City with her boyfriend right after the wedding. Plus… I didn't think it would ever get that far." Cuddy cocked her chin and shot him a questioning look before he explained, "I thought you'd stop it. You always stopped it when my crazy went too far… when I took things to an eleven. I thought it would be a sign you still cared."

"Of course I cared, you idiot!"

"Didn't seem like it. I meant so little to you that you were willing to drop me for one small slip, and then you went into Ice Queen mode. It was like it never hurt you at all."

Cuddy rubbed her palms down her face, "So are we finally going to have our fight about the breakup?"

"Seems kind of pointless now. It's ancient history. We don't work together anymore. Don't have to see each other anymore. I can go upstairs, get my things, and walk out the door, and we can forget about each other again. That's why I stopped it out there, Cuddy, why I can't sleep with you. I had you once, and losing you hurt too much. I ruined my life. I ruined your life. I can't have you and lose you again."

Feeling herself soften at his confession, she dropped her arms and put a hand to his chest, "I'm here, House, and I'm not going anywhere. I'm going to help you get your life back. But that so-called 'ancient history' is still hurting both of us. Our old games of deflect and avoid didn't work so why don't we try something new?"

"You want to sit and talk about our feelings and sing Kombaya?"

"Let's not go that far... but we could try honesty for a change. Openness. And yeah, maybe sharing some feelings for good measure."

"Why? Why are you doing this, Cuddy? You're here in your new house, your new life, probably with a new boyfriend. You could have left me in Hershey. You could have turned me in. Why do you care?"

It was the question she avoided the night before, deflecting with a comment about Wilson's wish that they take care of each other. It wasn't the full answer, and they both knew it. House was capitalizing on an opportunity since she just proposed that they try openness and honesty for a change. She pulled her hand from his chest and lifted it between them. "First, I told you last night Mr. Wonderful didn't last so you can stop trying to probe about my relationships. I'm single. If you think that," she waved toward the back patio, "would have happened if I wasn't, you don't know me as well as I thought you did."

"A lot can change after a couple years."

"What happened to people don't change?" Checkmate. "And second, for such a genius, you really can be such an idiot someti—"

"You're throwing that word around a lot lately."

She smirked and crossed her arms again, raising an eyebrow, "I learned from the master of it. But you'd have to be an idiot to not realize the why by now, House." Biting the corner of her bottom lip, she measured her next words before speaking. "I still… I love you, House. I don't think I ever stopped. You think it didn't hurt me when we broke up? You were just too wrapped up in your own pain, in your pranks and games, to even look for it. And when Wilson told me you died, I was devastated. I'd spent so long trying to hate you, but I couldn't deny how devastated I was. My family told me I was ridiculous, but it didn't matter. And when I saw you the other night… I wanted to summon the anger again, but all I felt was relief that you weren't dead. I don't know where we go from here, but I know I need you in my life."

"So we're back to that? You wish you didn't love me, but you can't help it?"

The words felt like a slap to her face. It was what she said to him the night she broke up with Lucas and started a relationship with House. Hearing him repeat them, she felt sick. "That… wasn't fair to you."

House looked down, sadness filling his tone, "But it's where we started. You never wanted to love me. The foundation of our relationship was you wishing you didn't love me, and you spent the entire time looking for reasons to justify not loving me. For ways to make that wish come true. And we're right back there now."

"That's not fair to me, House. I did love you. I wasn't looking for a way out. You were the one who spent the whole relationship seeing the end around the next corner."

Long repressed emotions bubbled to the surface, and House yelled, "Because it always was lingering around the next corner! You want the fight? Okay… You didn't want to introduce me to Rachel. When I lied to you at work, something I'd done a thousand times before, you shut me out for a week! You never even tried to see it from my perspective. You never thought that maybe lying to you was a way of protecting you and your job if things didn't go right! You nit-picked everything and shut me out again over toilet seats and toothbrushes! And worst of all, when I thought I was losing you after finally having you… when I thought you were dying, I relapsed and you broke up with me for it. I gave up two years of sobriety so I could be with you, and I lost everything for it! You knew I was an addict and used one slip as justification to end it. At a time when it wouldn't be out of the question to offer the family Ativan or something to get through, no one thought I might need some help. They just harped on me for not being there for you. So I did what I had to do so I could be there for you, and you broke up with me for it! So tell me I wasn't justified in looking for the break up around every corner because it was there at every one I looked down."

The shock of his outburst made Cuddy gasp and bring both hands over her chest. Hearing him break it all down like that, she felt even more sick. She'd never looked at their relationship from his perspective. Never acknowledged all the effort he had made for her. "I'm sorry, House. I never meant to make you feel like that. I just wanted a partner in—"

"No, Cuddy, you wanted a little lap dog. Someone you could control like you controlled everything else in your life. And I guess you had that with Lucas, but he still didn't measure up because he wasn't me. But when you got me, it still wasn't enough because it was me, not some perfect little well-trained version of me."

Faced with her own failings in their relationship, Cuddy dropped her head and wiped away the tears that fell. "That wasn't what I wanted."

Seeing her distress, House softened his tone. He knew his point had hit home. "It was what you wanted, but you just didn't see it yourself. You only saw my shortcomings. And then you broke up with me without a second thought and turned into the Ice Queen."

"House, you never gave me the chance to have a second thought. You instantly started the insanity with the parade of hookers and the mail order wife."

"Like I said, I thought you'd stop me."

"I couldn't. I told Wilson that I couldn't fix your problem because I was your problem. That didn't mean I stopped caring though. That didn't mean it didn't hurt me just as much."

"You had a funny way of showing it… and by that I mean not showing it."

"How could I, House? I still had a hospital to run, and that was even more difficult than normal with your insanity. I had a daughter to worry about… worry about and comfort because she was missing her best friend. I had to try to keep it all together or everything would have fallen apart."

"And yet, it all fell apart anyway." He pushed off the counter and grabbed his cane, "Well, this whole sharing your feelings thing has been tons of fun. Let's try it again never."

Before he could limp away, Cuddy grabbed his hand and pulled him back. "No, you don't get to walk away now, not when we're finally getting somewhere. I'm sorry, House. You're right, I wasn't fair to you. I gave up too soon. I thought I was protecting Rachel… protecting myself… but all I did was hurt all of us. But I'm not going to make that mistake again. I'm not going to give up on you so easy. We're going to call Stacy and fight to get your life back. I told you—I need you in my life."

House looked down at their hands then back up to Cuddy, shooting her a skeptical glance. "And when I relapse again, Cuddy? I'm an addict. It's a when, not an if. I wanted it last night. I could have relapsed again last night. What about when I go to prison for years? You'll forget about me before my sentence is ever half over."

"You could have relapsed this morning, House. I offered you morphine and you turned it down. But if—when—you do, we'll deal with it. I won't throw in the towel so quickly next time. I was wrong. I let myself forget you're an addict—quit planning contingencies for you. I'm the one who always has plans and back up plans, and I never thought to help make one for your addiction. So we'll work on that. And I know now that cutting you off to protect myself and Rachel just hurt us all even more so that's not an option. As for jail, we'll talk to Stacy and figure that out. But I won't give up on you, and I won't forget about you. I can't—never have been able to since Michigan. In spite of everything, you're still the most incredible man I've ever known."

He lowered his forehead to hers and stood there for a second. "Your refusal to see the giant, gaping chasm between what is and what could be is… in this case, it's epic, Cuddy. What about Rachel?"

"What about her?"

"Where is she now? Where does she fit into this great plan of yours?"

"She's at Julia's right now. I have to call them later today. And… I don't know. Do you want to see her?"

"I don't want to hurt her when I have to go away again. What… what does she know about me?"

"Nothing really. I just told her we weren't friends anymore and made my mom and sister swear they wouldn't say anything around her. She was so young and loved you so much I didn't want to destroy her image of you. I didn't think she could understand. She asked about you for a long time… wanted to show you her new room after we moved here. I think she would be happy to see you again. And… if you have to go away, I think she'd be okay as long as she could write you letters and talk to you on the phone."

"That's asking a lot of the kid, Cuddy."

"She's a good kid. Really smart… I think she'll understand more than we think she could. But we can figure that out after we talk to Stacy. I never did get that law degree so I don't know what we're looking at. And for all your genius, neither do you."

House pulled her to him and spoke into the crown of her head, "It's not good, Cuddy. I really fucked up this time."

She nuzzled into his shoulder and lifted a hand to his cheek, "Maybe not as bad as you think. And no matter what, it was worth it to give Wilson these last months with you. I'm still so proud of you for being there for him."

The words were unspoken between them. They both wished he'd been able to do the same for her. Rubbing his cheek on the top of her head, he gave voice to their unspoken thoughts, "I wasn't at first. I tried to bully him into treatment at first. But in the end, it was easier with him than it was with you. I learned a bit from how bad I messed it up with you. And I loved Wilson, but it was different… he wasn't the woman of my dreams I was finally starting a life with when cancer threatened it. And… he didn't tell me until it was already a definite thing. I just wish I'd been better for you."

"You were as good as you could be at the time. I just didn't see it."

"Guess we both messed it up."

Lifting to her toes, Cuddy placed a kiss to his lips, "Yeah, but I guess we both learned from it too. And we're here now and going to make it right. We'll get through this, House. I promise I won't abandon you this time… please don't run from me either."

He pressed his cheek to hers and nodded, not able to find any words to reply.

Cuddy lowered herself so she stood flat-footed in front on him and smiled up at him as she took his hand again with a coy smile. "Now that we've settled all of that, can we please go upstairs and enjoy a little distraction together?"

The thought turned House's stomach, and he fought to keep a look of disgust off his face. He didn't want her to misread the reaction, but he could never think of her as a distraction. Hookers were a distraction. She was so much more. He didn't understand why she was here, fighting for him, but he couldn't deny how much he still loved her. Calling anything between them a distraction would be demeaning and untrue, and he couldn't stomach it.

"Cuddy, you could never be just a distraction to me."

She gave him a sexy smile as she started to pull him toward the stairs then looked over her shoulder and said, "Good, because you're more than a distraction to me too. So let's go make love then figure out how to bring you back to life."

tbc

A/N- I truly hope this isn't too angsty so far. I don't intend for the overall theme of this story to be angst, but there's a lot of it for these two to get out before they can start to move forward. We'll get there… and the rating change is definitely on its way. I think they're done with false starts now.