A/N: I want to make a timeline correction real quick. In the last chapter, I referenced the episode Bad Blood from 1999 and said that was when Nina was four years old. However, since this fic is taking place in SVU's season eight (2007ish) Nina wouldn't be sixteen if she was only four in 1999. Therefore, so ages make sense, the case in Bad Blood took place in 1995. Nina was born in 1991 in this case. Olivia joined SVU in 1994. She and Elliot have been partners for thirteen years instead of eight. Imagine that many more years of tension. Also, in the summary, I wrote that Olivia's mother's case was thirty-two years old. That should be thirty-eight years if Olivia joined in 1994. So she was twenty-six when she joined instead of nineteen which is how old she would have been if she was thirty-two in 2007. Ok...that's enough math for me for today lol. This chapter is rated M because of some sexual content at the end between EO.

Warning: This chapter contains mentions of physical/sexual abuse and PTSD. Proceed with caution.

The first thing she noticed, as her body slowly emerged from the waters of unconsciousness, was the thick pounding in her head. It was as if her skull was asphalt and a construction crew was drilling into her with a jackhammer. That was the most accurate way she could describe how she felt, like a beat-up road at its finale. Her whole body had been torn to shreds and it didn't seem like it could possibly be repaired. There was no way she could be paved into a new road. She figured she'd permanently be a dead-end street by now.

There were strangers in white coats standing over her, and then a flash of dark hair, familiar eyes.

She wondered if Fabian was a hallucination. Like a drowning sailor who had managed to swim to her lighthouse after her ship had sunk. She wanted to reach out, but even though she could see the lighthouse she couldn't see land. Maybe someone would toss her an anchor.

That was when she started screaming.

It wasn't a high pitched scream, one of fear. It was a deep cry pulled from the gut that emitted pain in every wavelength. The doctors, or were they other sailors? They started moving quicker. Someone jabbed her with a needle, and the person she hoped was Fabian was trying to find somewhere to touch her that wouldn't hurt her.

Sometimes though, the anchor didn't get thrown in the right spot. Because there was no place. Everything hurt. God, everything hurt. Please, please, please-

"Make it stop. Please, make it stop," She whimpered. Her throat was too dry to scream anymore. She wondered how it was possible for her throat to feel like a desert when an ocean was drowning her. "Kill me. Kill me, please!"

Fabian opened his mouth, but the light was snuffed out before she could hear his words.

X

When he fell out of the tree a few months ago, Fabian was sure that was the worst pain he'd ever experienced. His arm had been broken, his back thoroughly beaten, he'd destroyed his favorite guitar on the way down, and developed a fear of heights. It had taken weeks for his arm to heal and he still had some scars on his back from the guitar splintering. It hurt like hell.

Still, it paled in comparison to the pain he felt when he heard Nina beg for death in her hospital bed. That hurt a thousand times worse than it would have if the fall from the tree had paralyzed him.

It felt like someone had stabbed a dagger in his heart, ripped it out, threw it into a meat grinder, spit it out, and fed it to a pack of wolves.

Kill me. Kill me, please.

He'd been trying to find a place to touch her that wouldn't hurt so he could comfort her, but that seemed to be making things worse. The doctors asked him to leave the room so they could work on her. She would need to be sedated for a few more hours. He didn't need to watch this was what they told him.

Yet, he was glued to his spot. He couldn't move. He was shaking with worry for the girl he loved. Fear consumed every cell in his body. He could feel the agonizing sobs in his chest and he had to hold it together.

How does one hold it together when someone, who means so much to them, makes the choice to beg for death?

Something bubbled in his throat and he wasn't sure if it was a forced breath, a sob, or his lunch. Whatever it was had him racing out the door. He was glad no one he knew was in the bathroom. He leaned over the trash can and heaved a few times. He didn't want to fall apart here though. It was too public. He went to the front of the chapel, where he'd seen Elliot the other day. He didn't feel as weak crying in here. He wasn't religious but it still felt peaceful, private. He sat in a pew and let himself shatter.

The emotions tumbled out of him in waves. The grief, the worry, the guilt. Everything seemed to hit him at once. He wished he could take some of Nina's pain and carry it himself, but he couldn't. He couldn't and it was killing him.

After what felt like hours he managed to regain his composure. Amber had texted him and said she'd spoken to the Millers about Nina, so that was a wave of emotion off his shoulders. He hadn't met the prosecutor yet or talked to an adoption agent for Nina, but he was still holding onto hope that there would be a way she could go back to England with him.

He went back to Nina's room. The doctors told her she hadn't been given enough morphine and that was why she'd been in so much pain. They increased the dosage and she would be out for a few more hours. He sighed in a mixture of disappointment and relief. Disappointment that she wasn't fully awake yet because he missed her. Relief that she was out of pain but alive.

He sat in the chair by her bedside like he had every day for two weeks. Keeping vigil to protect her from monsters both outside and in.

X

"How-" Was the first word out of Elliot's mouth after the shock faded.

"He faked his death. Simon had no idea. They got a death certificate in the mail and assumed. There was never a body."

"Son of a bitch. He's been at this for decades," She nodded and looked away from him.

"El, I...I'll understand if you don't want-I mean if you-"

"If I what?"

"I'm gonna keep the baby, but I'll understand if-"

"What the hell are you talking about, Olivia?"

"I would never expect you to want a child with a woman who has the genes I have."

"Liv-"

"I feel like I'm being selfish by wanting you to stay when you deserve better. I'm damaged goods."

"Hold on...Hold on! Look at me," He stopped her before she could stand up. "Baby, I'm so confused right now. What did I say to make you think I don't want you?"

"You didn't! You didn't, Elliot and that's the problem. You're the most faithful, selfless man I've ever met," Her voice broke. "I need to let go of you because I know you won't leave on your own, and you-"

"Olivia stop for a second. Just stop," He wrapped her in his arms.

"El-"

"Stop. Please. Please stop trying to move away. I'm gonna hold you and tell you something."

"Elliot-" She relaxed in his secure embrace knowing running away was useless. He wasn't going to let her go that easily. "You shouldn't want this. You shouldn't want me. You shouldn't want a child with me. You shouldn't-"

"Stop telling me what I should or shouldn't want and listen. Please?" His tone was firm but gentle.

"No, I can't. I can't let you waste another moment of love on me," Before he could respond Munch and Fin returned to the squad room.

"We'll finish this at home."

"El-"

"You're not getting rid of me as easily as you think, Benson."

X

Olivia and Elliot walked through the door in silence, their demeanor still reserved from their prior discussion. The minute they sat down the silence was broken by Olivia's groan.

"What's wrong? What hurts?" Elliot's tone was laced with concern.

"It's just a leg cramp. I'll be okay in a few minutes."

"Do you want a massage? Or I can run you a bath?"

"El-"

"Here. Put your feet on my lap."

"Why are you being so good to me?" She nearly shouted in frustration. "You should be furious with me. Disgusted even."

"Why? Because your leg hurts?"

"No! Damn it! It just makes this so much more difficult!"

"Okay. You're mad at me right now for something and I don't know what it is, so I'm gonna go into the other room-"

"I'm not mad at you, you ass! That's the problem. I don't know how to do what I have to do when you're so understanding. It's infuriating. Where's the asshole partner I used to have?"

"He stopped being an idiot, went to therapy, and admitted he was in love with his partner?" Her only response was a glare. He huffed. "Olivia, I don't want to fight with you."

"You used to."

"Okay smartass. What is it you think you have to do that I'm making so difficult?"

"Leave," She gritted her teeth to keep her voice from cracking. "I have to leave."

"No you don't," He moved so he was between her and the door. "In fact, you're not. We're gonna talk about this."

"El-"

"You want me to be an asshole? Okay, I'll be an asshole. You're not running again. Not tonight. Not ever."

"Since when do I follow orders from you?" She snapped.

He sighed.

"Olivia, please just talk to me. I don't want us to be me and Kathy." Ouch, Stabler. Ouch.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean? You're seriously comparing me to that blonde bi-"

"No. I'm saying I don't want you and me to be the couple that shuts each other out and fights until we eventually can't stand to be around each other anymore."

"You shouldn't want to be around me. I'm-" She swallowed the bile rising in her throat. "I've always known my gene pool was contaminated, but...this...it's even worse than I thought. How can I be selfish enough to bring a child into this world knowing how badly I'm gonna screw her up? My mother was an alcoholic. My father is a rapist, a child abuser, a murderer, and God knows what else. It's a horrific recipe and as much as I love our little girl," She sniffled. "It doesn't feel right to pass on such a filthy combination."

"Liv-" He softened at the sight of her tears and wanted to pull her into his arms, but she wasn't done.

"You can't love me, El. No one can. I'm not meant to be loved. This case is confirmation that I never was. I shouldn't even be-" He cut her off with a deep, passionate kiss that he hoped conveyed just how wrong she was about everything she had just said. His tongue stroked hers like a caress and he wrapped his arms around her securely. Despite the solemn mood, she could feel her body reacting to his kiss. Damn him.

"First of all," He punctuated his words with kisses across her jawline. "I don't ever want to hear the words 'damaged, filthy, contaminated, or unlovable' used to describe the love of my life ever again. Second, as I've told you before, it's not all about the genes. Look how great you turned out. It breaks my heart that you think you and I bringing a child into this world is selfish. You are not going to screw her up. She is part of both of us. She was conceived out of love, Olivia. She has two parents that love each other and her very much. We are not going to be like them. We might not always get everything right. We will make mistakes as all parents do, but our daughter will grow up in a happy home. I promise you."

He bit down on and sucked her earlobe between his teeth. The moan he inspired was ragged as he trailed kisses down her neck. He tightened his arm around her waist in case her legs buckled. Her breathing hitched when he gently thumbed over her nipples through the lace of her bra.

"Third," He lifted her shirt over her head. "You are not damaged, or unloveable. You're the most beautiful woman in the world to me,". inside and out."

She unclasped her bra to give him access to her breasts. Pregnancy hormones didn't care that she didn't think she deserved his loving touch. She was craving him. It was agonizing her. It was agonizing him.

It set them both ablaze.

"There is nothing more beautiful than knowing you are carrying the product of our love. You're giving her life. Enriching it in the way you've enriched mine." Her panties were soaked and tight against her skin as he lavished her breasts with attention. He was careful not to suck, knowing they were more sensitive due to the pregnancy. "I love you so damn much Olivia Benson. There is nothing that will ever change that and I want to prove that to you in any way I can. Every day. Until you believe me."

The groan and a smile passed over her. She was his, hopelessly. He was hers, endlessly. It rippled, without end.

"So, that just leaves me with one question," He planted a few kisses on her belly. "Are your legs still sore?"

"A little," She choked up at his words. She didn't deserve him.

"You deserve the world." She hadn't realized that she said that out loud. "You deserve the world, and if I could give it to you I would. Let me get you some medicine to help with the cramps. I don't want to make love to you while you're in pain."

"I love you, too, El. Thank you."

"You never have to thank me for that. Just...please, don't run. Ever again. It would kill me. You belong here. No matter your past or your genes or whatever. You belong in this apartment, in my arms. Nowhere else." Their phones rang before she could respond and they groaned. Their night of romance would have to wait.

"Benson...yeah...ok, thanks, Cap."

"We got called in?

"Yeah. Nina's awake."

A/N: At least they were interrupted by good news? Thanks for reading!

Thanks to my beta FragileVixenFic!