Chapter 8: Regrets

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AN: Hello! Bet y'all thought we were dead, huh? Well, anyway. Found a lot of this lurking in a MSWord file pretty much outlined to completion and thought well, what the hell. May as well get it out there so we can say it's finished right?

Thanks for all the encouragement and kind words and good-natured threats over the years that kept us writing. We're not technically publishing much anymore, but still writing and working on personal fanworks and original stuff. Definitely wouldn't have kept on writing if not for the encouragement, so thank you. Find us on AO3 as dremma!

All our love, "Suchan" (Dalys/Isaiah) and "Twelve" (Nyx) (turns out we were plural the whole time lmao and the pandemic certainly didn't help...)

Story notes: Reading back over all this I /think/ we thought Josh Tilpin was like, 15,16? If he's actually younger this feels extra creepy now but uh. For the sake of not weirding ourselves out more than has already been done, let's say he's 16. c:

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As the days passed, Asa felt a pit of guilt growing in his stomach. It had just been one kiss… and they'd both agreed it shouldn't have happened, won't happen again. That should be it, right? That should have been the end of it. But Sam's breath on his neck haunted him like a possessed locket. Every smile Dale sent his way felt like a knife in the gut.

Dale nudged his shoulder at lunch, shaking him out of his thoughts. "Alright, Asa? Lunch is almost over." Asa looked down at his tray, not feeling even remotely hungry. He pushed it away.

"I'm not hungry." He glanced up. Guilt at seeing Dale's worried expression twisted in his stomach. "I'll be okay. Just… got a lot on my mind." Dale reached down to the bench to squeeze his hand comfortingly.

"If it's something you want to talk about, I'm all ears." Asa opened his mouth, but his throat wouldn't let him say what he should say. It wasn't the right time. Not in the crowded cafeteria with their friends nearby.

"Let's… let's get coffee after school and talk, okay?" His voice sounded shaky. Dale gave him a brief, worried smile, but nodded.

"Alright."

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"So… did you want to talk about something specific?" Dale settled into the seat across from Asa at the back of the coffee shop and took a small sip. There had been a sudden cold snap so the warm drink on his palms was soothing.

Asa busied himself with the straw for his iced coffee. "Yes." He sighed deeply. "I...I kissed Mr. Boldova." He glanced up to see Dale's eyebrows grazing his hairline. He blinked, finally.

"Our teacher, Mr. Boldova."

"Yes. It just happened once," Asa said, the words tumbling freely out of his mouth now. "And I know it shouldn't have happened, and it won't happen again, and it's been just. Eating at me. I don't even know why I did it."

Dale took a steadying swig of his drink. "Well that's… dangerous, Asa. You could both have gotten in a lot of trouble."

"I know," Asa whispered.

Dale sighed heavily. "Well, I'm glad you said something, at least. I was starting to worry something truly awful had happened." Asa blinked at him. Hadn't something truly awful happened? He'd cheated.

"But-"

Asa startled as Dale reached across the table and grabbed his palm. "Asa. It's fine." He smiled warmly, studying Asa's confused face. "Like, yeah, I'm a little hurt. But I'm glad you told me, and you said it won't happen again, so…" Asa tried his best to smile back.

"I don't deserve you," he said quietly.

Dale gave him an exasperated glance over his coffee. "'Deserve' has nothing to do with it, Asa. We just both have to decide to move forward together. 'Kay?" Asa swiped some tears from the corners of his eyes and nodded.

"Okay."

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"So my mom's birthday is coming up and I kind of wanted to make dinner for her…"

Asa rolled over onto his side, Dale's fluffy carpet parting under his weight. Their homework was spread out around them on the floor. "You? Cooking?" Dale grinned at him sheepishly.

"I said 'kind of'."

"Want me to help? We could probably manage something edible." He grinned back at Dale. "Maybe. My little brother seems to think I'm ok but he's also like, five."

Dale laughed, putting his chin in his hands. "Alright. Well. Can't hurt to try. Might be fun."

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Manfred blinked in surprise. Asa was standing in front of him, holding hands with a cheery looking brown-haired guy, bristling and looking absolutely furious. "C'mon, Dale," he growled suddenly, storming into the doors of the shop.

The other fellow - 'Dale' - yelped as he was dragged along. "Asa, hey-!"

Manfred sighed. Understandable, he supposed. He eyed the glass door to the shop, opening automatically for customers moving in and out. Well, it wasn't like he didn't have things to pick up in here anyway.

Asa kept holding Dale's hand as they wandered the aisles in the grocery shop, picking up things to attempt dinner. He felt a bit distracted; his mind kept wandering to what he knew Manfred was thinking: that it wouldn't be his fault if they kept running into each other, this was a public space after all. But it was just a feeble justification for following him.

Asa could almost feel Manfred's eyes peering at him from the end of the aisle. Dale nudged his shoulder, asking if he was alright. He sounded far away. Asa wrinkled his nose and sniffled softly. "I didn't want to see him again," he whispered, laying his head on Dale's shoulder. Dale wrapped a comforting arm around his shoulders and kissed his forehead.

Asa pulled him into a hug, and glanced furtively to where Manfred was lurking at the other end of the aisle, pretending to be extremely interested in a can of asparagus. Asa waited until he glanced up again, and pressed his lips to Dale's. He hoped Dale wouldn't be too embarrassed, but knew with certainty Manfred would be too embarrassed to stay. Hmmm, perhaps not. Dale was kissing him back in earnest, holding Asa tightly around the waist. By the time they'd pulled away, Dale was smiling tenderly at him. Asa rested their foreheads together and basked in the warm happiness being so close to Dale made him feel.

"We should probably hurry up with those vegetables before they kick us out," Asa murmured. Dale nodded, but didn't let go of Asa's waist. They swayed slightly. "Did you kiss me because he was watching?"

Asa grinned guiltily. "Kinda." He brushed his nose against Dale's. "But I also really like kissing you."

"Hmmm…." Dale sighed against his mouth as they kissed again briefly. "Maybe we should save that for later, otherwise there won't be anything for dinner." Asa pouted.

"Fine. But there'd better be kisses for dessert." Asa grinned as Dale laughed.

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Manfred nearly dropped the glass jar as Asa glanced at him momentarily, then pressed his mouth to Dale's.

He swallowed thickly, heart sinking. This had been a terrible, horrible, awful idea. Hand shaking, he placed the jar back on the shelf and turned to leave. The automatic door opened almost sympathetically and ushered him out.

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Manfred was so deep in his thoughts he didn't even startle at the knock on his door. "What."

"It's Josh. Can I come in?"

Manfred sighed. "Yeah, whatever."

Joshua pushed the door open and closed it behind him carefully. Manfred hadn't moved from slouching in the armchair in front of the fireplace. He hadn't even turned his head as Josh walked in.

"Are you alright, Manfred?" Manfred finally rolled his eyes over to Josh, curled hand obscuring his mouth. "Right, I guess not." Manfred sighed and returned to staring at the fire.

"What do you want, Tilpin?" he muttered, without much heat. He simply sounded exhausted.

"You seemed pretty upset the past few days. I thought I'd ask if there's anything I could do to help," Josh said, settling back into the other chair, folding his hands anxiously. Sometimes when Manfred was in a mood like this there was really nothing that would get him out of it.

Manfred sighed, so quietly it could have been the wind brushing the old window panes. "If you could turn time backwards, maybe. But I don't think there's anything that can fix things now."

"I wish I could," Josh said quietly, gazing over affectionately. Manfred glanced anywhere but his eyes, he realised with no small amount of annoyance. He'd never be able to pull him out of that funk this way! There had to be some way…

Manfred gave a soft snort of a sigh as Josh settled down on the floor in front of him, gazing up at his moody face. "Are you sure there's nothing I can do for you…?" He stopped short of placing his hand on Manfred's knee, not entirely sure if Manfred wouldn't kick him.

"Josh." He sat up a bit straighter at the clear tone in Manfred's voice. "I don't want you. I never wanted you. All I want is to be left alone." Manfred was staring at him, but his eyes were fixed on his forehead, not his eyes. A glare darkened Josh's face.

"Never? Is that so."

"It is." Manfred was tapping his fingers on the arm of the chair now, clearly agitated. Josh stood up, and clenched his fists.

"I guess I wasted my time tearing him away from you then," he growled. Manfred's eyes snapped to his, finally, filling with rage.

"What was that?"

"I said, I wasted my time tearing him away from you," Josh said, furious tears building in his eyes, stinging and burning. "All I ever fucking wanted was you."

Manfred stood, towering over him. "Get out," he said quietly. "Get OUT!" he shouted as Josh declined to move. "Get the FUCK out and don't you ever talk to me again, Joshua Tilpin. I should fucking gut you where you stand."

Josh bit back a sob and turned to rush out of the room, letting the heavy old door slam loudly behind him.

In the resounding silence, Asa's last words to him rang around his head like a circle of carrion birds.

"I thought you at least could have tried to believe me. You're not even trying. I just… GOD, Manfred!"

Manfred sat back in his chair, sinking slowly as despair pulled at him with its heavy, sedative-laced hands. Why couldn't he have just believed the one person he actually trusted in his miserable, broken life?

It was one thing to suspect, and entirely another to have it clearly confirmed… He pulled his hands over his face. Idiot. Moron. Imbecile. No wonder his life was going nowhere fast.

He paused as a thought struck him. Asa deserved an apology. Asa deserved a hundred apologies, and every happiness in the world. He would probably make Asa mad by trying to talk to him at all… but he should have apologized months ago.

Manfred stood, and pulled his coat from the hanger by the door. It wouldn't bring Asa back, wouldn't erase all the hurt and the months of festering anger. But he deserved an apology, and if it was the last way to do right by him, Manfred was going to do it.

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"Wonder who that could be," Celia Pike murmured, looking up from her knitting. The boys were all invested in something mindless on the TV, so she set the project side and opened the door. She gasped.

Asa's ex-boyfriend Manfred stood on the porch, just barely out of the pouring rain, looking very much like a drowned rat.

"Sorry for the late hour and showing up unannounced, Mrs. Pike. I just need to talk to Asa for a second." She frowned, conflicted.

"He may not want to talk to you, Manfred. You hurt him very deeply."

Manfred's miserable face looked, if possible, even sadder. "I know."

Celia bit her lip hesitantly, but turned and called Asa over. "There's someone wants to speak with you, dear. It's Manfred."

Asa glared. "Manfred? What the fuck does he want?"

"Asa, language."

He disentangled his arm from Dale's and wandered over to the door. Celia stepped back to her chair quickly, not wanting to be anywhere near what was likely to be a blowout. Dale watched nervously from the couch.

Manfred's heart twisted as Asa appeared around the door frame.

"What the fuck do you want, Bloor?" he growled.

Manfred swallowed painfully. "I just wanted to apologize. For everything. For not believing you. I should have. You were the only person I trusted."

Asa's face was unmoved. "It took you five months to figure this out?"

Manfred shook his head, water trickling down the side of his face. "It took me five months to work up the courage to apologize."

"Hm." Asa pursed his lips. "Thanks, I guess. Goodbye, Manfred."

Manfred nodded. "Goodbye, Asa." His heart dropped a bit more as Asa closed the door in his face. He turned to step off the porch and start the long walk back home.

Well, if nothing else, he'd said it. He'd known beforehand it wouldn't fix anything. But perhaps he'd be lying if he said he hasn't hoped, secretly, in the deepest recess of his heart, that Asa would forgive him.

"Manfred!" Celia called out after him. He turned slightly. "It's pouring out here, do you need a ride?"

He smiled and shook his head. "I appreciate the thought, but I deserve to walk. Good night, Mrs. Pike."

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End Ch. 8

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Gonna upload all the rest of the chapters at once so I don't forget for a decade again that I've got them just sitting there waiting lmao