Harley had no idea whether Ivy had successfully murdered the Joker or not – she remained silent throughout the rest of the ride, and gave no indication of either happiness or anger. Harley took this as a good sign, since she suspected that if Ivy had succeeded in murdering Mr. J, she wouldn't have been able to contain her joy. She fervently hoped the Joker had managed to escape somehow, and was on his way to rescue her from wherever they were going.
The plant stopped moving at last, and opened its jaws. Harley was instantly blinded by the sunlight, shielding her eyes, as Ivy climbed out of the pod, taking a deep breath and stretching.
"It's so beautiful," she sighed, looking around. "And it's all ours."
"What are you talking about?" asked Harley, as her eyes adjusted to the light. She climbed out to see that they were on a beach, somewhere tropical.
"This is all ours," said Ivy, gesturing around. "I bought an island."
"You…what?" stammered Harley.
"It was meant to be for when I retired," said Ivy. "After my plants took over Gotham and brought her back to nature by reducing the city to rubble unfit for humanity to live in, I would come here to live out the remainder of my days. It's a fairly big island, with lots of plant life, obviously. But I didn't have time to make it habitable yet – I thought I'd have years before I moved here permanently. But then this happened, and I thought taking you here would be perfect. Nobody will ever find us – we're in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, with nothing but water around us for miles. Now you just rest, and I'll start building a shelter," she said, heading further inland.
"Wait, wait, wait," said Harley, grabbing her arm. "We don't have a house? Do we have food? Water? Anything?!"
"Relax, Harley – nature will provide all we need," said Ivy.
"Red, I'm pregnant!" exclaimed Harley. "And one of the upsides about being pregnant in the 21st century is how much modern conveniences have improved the state of being pregnant! I can't give birth on a desert island without heavy amounts of drugs and painkillers! And what happens if I need help during the pregnancy? What if I need water aerobics, or breastfeeding classes, or a C-section? What if I need to read What to Expect if You're Expecting?! Nature can't provide that!"
"I told you, I'm here to help you, Harley," said Ivy. "I'll help deliver the baby."
"Did you suddenly become a qualified midwife?" demanded Harley.
"No, but how hard can it be?" asked Ivy, shrugging. "It's a natural process. You just tell the mother to push a lot – I've seen movies."
"But what if there's a problem with the baby, and it needs a doctor?" demanded Harley.
"Well, you're a doctor, and so am I," said Ivy.
"Not of babies!" shouted Harley. "Red, you really haven't thought this through! This was a terrible idea from the start, but it's an especially terrible idea now! If something happens to me or the baby because we're away from modern medicine, you'll never forgive yourself, and I'll never forgive you!"
"Nature will provide, Harley," repeated Ivy. "Now relax – you shouldn't get worked up in your condition. There are lots of herbs and flowers which will help with the pain, and I've heard a lot of good things about water births…"
"I ain't a homeopath, Red!" shrieked Harley. "I want real drugs that doctors prescribe, and make me numb from the waist down, the way God intended a woman deliver a baby! And I want Mr. J holding my hand as I give birth to his child! And because you can't give me any of those things, I am never going to rest until I get off this island!"
"Go ahead and try," retorted Ivy. "There's no way off, and my plants will stop you if you attempt anything of the kind. Just stay here – don't exert yourself with the baby. I'll be back soon," she said, heading off toward the jungle.
Harley sank down on the sand, pulled her legs up to her stomach, and tried to think. Of course while she hoped Joker would be able to find her and rescue her, she knew she couldn't depend on that, and just waiting around for him to hopefully stumble across them seemed like torture. She needed to distract herself somehow, and she was still furious at Ivy for what she had done, and for this whole ludicrous plan of hers. It was bad enough her kidnapping her and taking her away from Mr. J, but to risk the baby's life like this was beyond the pale. Ivy needed to be taught a lesson, and Harley was determined to be the one to teach her.
She sighed, struggling to her feet and looking around. There were plants everywhere, and they would undoubtedly report any suspicious moves on her part to Ivy. So she had to refrain from looking suspicious. Fortunately, Harley was good at acting innocent – that was almost a superpower of hers. People always tended to underestimate the pretty little blonde girl, and she was sure plants would be no different.
She patted her stomach gently. "Don't you worry, baby," she murmured. "We'll be off this crazy island and back with your Daddy soon enough. I promise."
…
"How fast do you think plants travel?" asked Joker. "Do you think they're faster than a jet, or a speeding bullet, or Superman?"
"I don't think anyone here has any idea," retorted Crane.
"You never know what nonsense your friend knows," retorted Joker. "Brucie, can't this damn plane go any faster?" he asked, leaning over the pilot's chair in the cockpit.
"Who do I look like, the Flash?" demanded Bruce, keeping his eyes on the horizon as he steered the plane.
"We should have brought him along," said Joker. "He'd probably be able to pull us there quicker than this jet."
"J, you need to sit down and relax," said Two-Face. "It's gonna be a long flight – that's inevitable since the Pacific Ocean is a long way away and very large. I know you're worried about Harley and the baby…"
"I am not!" snapped Joker, rounding on him. "I'm worried that Harley will kill the Weed before I get to do it, thereby depriving me of my fun! And sure, I guess I got some slight, small concern for the baby - I wouldn't put it past that pushy plant to try and make Harley lose it. In Pammie's twisted mind, it's probably best that my offspring never sees the light of day."
"Pam would never do that," retorted Two-Face. "She's not as cruel as you seem to think. I mean, sure, she hates you, but she would never hurt an innocent child, no matter who its father was. She's very maternal – that's why she relates to the whole Mother Nature thing."
"A maternal murderer – makes sense," said Bruce, sarcastically.
"It does to her," replied Two-Face. "You know how mother grizzly bears are particularly vicious to anyone who threatens their babies? Same principle. That's what I think this whole Harley thing is, since we were speculating about that earlier. I think Ivy sees Harley as her child who she needs to protect from the evil of the world by any means necessary. I mean, let's face it, Harley can be pretty immature and childish sometimes."
"What are you trying to imply about my relationship?" demanded Joker.
"Nothing," said Two-Face. "I'm just saying, that's sorta her thing – she acts all naïve and innocent a lot. I know she isn't – nobody involved with you could be. But it certainly doesn't help people perceive her as a competent adult."
"Yeah, it's a trick to make people underestimate her," retorted Joker. "That's what shrink school taught her – if you act dumb, people believe you are dumb, so they're not careful around you. And then they're the dumb ones when you outsmart them and slaughter them all. Comedy's all about the unexpected, and Harley knows that."
"But you can understand people taking her at face value, can't you?" asked Two-Face.
"No, I can't!" snapped Joker. "I don't take anyone at face value, not even you, Two-Face! Only an idiot judges by appearances, idiots like Batman! You think just because I got a clownish appearance that you can laugh at me?"
"Uh…no," said Two-Face, slowly. "But some of us do try and reflect our persona through our appearances…"
"And some of us use our appearances to deceive and take people off guard," interrupted Joker. "Like me and Harley. Or Craney – he appears to be scary in costume when he's really the lamest man around except for his boyfriend, who appears to be an overdressed children's book character, and is."
"I dress in the clothes I find most comfortable, and for me that's a full Victorian dress suit," retorted Tetch. "If other people find that ostentatious, that's really no concern of mine."
"And Brucie dresses like a dumb playboy billionaire, because that's what he is," continued Joker. "But some of us are more complex than him. Some of us are layered individuals, and the idiots are the ones who can't see that, and judge by appearances. Like Pammie, with her 'all men bad' mantra."
"It comes from a place of pain," said Two-Face. "She was hurt by a man very deeply once."
"That makes it even worse," retorted Joker. "Nothing people won't do when motivated by pain and righteous anger. Look at Batman."
"How do you know what motivates Batman?" demanded Bruce.
"Oh, c'mon, it's obvious," retorted Joker. "I just said, people often dress the way they do for a reason. Batsy's reason is that he sees himself as some sort of dark, avenging angel, the anti-demon who uses the inner darkness of his soul to help others. Of course he's not really helping anyone – he's just using that as an excuse to unleash his rage and need for violence on unsuspecting people. But he clearly sees himself as a savior, and dresses to confound that perception. When actually he just reveals himself as a crazy person."
"Speaking of crazy people, since we're flying to a deserted island populated by a vengeful supervillain, do we have a plan for when we get there?" asked Crane. "Do we even know if there's a place to land a jet on the island?"
"Probably somewhere – it looks big enough," said Two-Face, who was studying the map.
"But if it's Ivy's island, we have to assume it's mostly covered in plant life," said Tetch. "We can't land in that without her plants informing her, and I, for one, would prefer to be discreet so as to not be killed by said plants."
"I guess we could parachute out," said Joker. "Land in the ocean and then swim to shore."
"And then what?" asked Crane. "Have the jet just circle round until someone finds Harley? Ivy's bound to notice that. Plus even if Harley is found, there's no way to get her or her rescuer back on the plane if it can't land."
"Yes, there is," said Bruce, clicking on the autopilot and standing up. "Follow me."
He headed to the back of the jet, opened the door to the bathroom, and then pressed a button under the sink. The room instantly transformed – the sink flipped over to reveal a case full of gadgets. The toilet spun round to reveal a room stacked with cases of more gadgets.
"Holy Batman," said Two-Face, staring at it. "Bruce, what is all this?"
"An eccentricity of mine," said Bruce. "I take women on this jet all the time, and I do this little trick to try and convince 'em that I'm Batman."
"Why would you want to convince anyone of that?" asked Two-Face, puzzled.
Bruce shrugged. "Chicks dig dark and brooding vigilantes."
"They also dig billionaires – you shouldn't lie about who you are just to get women to like you," retorted Two-Face.
"Yeah, that's despicable, lying about being Batman," snapped Joker. "The truth will set you free, you know, Brucie. And you'd better hope I don't tell Batman what you do the next time I see him. Pretending to be a superhero in order to get laid – that's really low. But this stuff is pretty good imitation, I gotta say," he added, picking up a Batclaw.
"I can afford to be authentic in my deception," replied Bruce. "Anyway, this stuff will get you down and back without landing the plane. Or at least, it'll get me down and back – you guys don't have to come…"
"Yeah, like I'm gonna let a playboy billionaire who's never fought a day in his life face off against the Plant Lady and rescue Harley," interrupted Joker, sarcastically. "You'll probably just try to hit on them by telling them you're Batman. Which won't work, by the way. I'm going down there too."
"Me too," said Two-Face. "Somebody needs to try to talk some sense into Pam."
"You can't stop me from killing her, you know," retorted Joker.
"I can try," said Two-Face, shrugging. "Even though she probably won't want me to - me saving her from you would be demeaning in her eyes."
"As delightful as parachuting out of a jet to confront a hostile supercriminal sounds, somebody will need to fly the plane," said Tetch. "So I will remain here to do that. I'm not trained to do that, but how hard can it be with the autopilot on?"
They all looked at Crane, who looked conflicted. "I care very deeply about Harley's safety," he said. "But I also care very deeply about my safety, and parachuting out of a plane would endanger it in ways I'm not comfortable with."
"All right, coward, stay here," retorted Joker. "Shows how much you really love Harley, you won't even jump out of a plane for her. Well, I would, and without a parachute too. That's love, pal."
"It's really not," sighed Two-Face. "But close enough, I guess."