Sometimes I feel like giving up but I just can't; it isn't in my blood
3rd June 2019
The first week of June after half term as per every year had brought around exam week. While normally it would be rather stressful it was all the more worse with Arthur and Gwen—meaning many found it hard to concentrate and thus revise. Morgana was angry. Angry with Merlin, angry with the baby for refusing to sleep, angry with Geoffrey for not cancelling exams, angry with the car company seeing as the airbags didn't work. Angry with everything.
She noticed Merlin was in a bad mood too. Muttering to himself about how it was all just a bad dream and any minute now they'd come walking in the door, Arthur yelling at him for no one knows what. Yet it didn't happen. It didn't. And Merlin wanted it to happen yet it just didn't. He kept going on about how with no Arthur, he simply had no destiny. Yet he had to go on. Dragging himself out of bed every morning and going to work. The stages of grief had moved along and Merlin knew he had hit depression. It simply all felt pointless. It began with the denial—refusing to believe it happened, then the anger—anger at all this happening, Arthur for dying and leaving him to raise the baby, Amhar for being fussy, Morgana for ... well, surviving. And while he couldn't hold that against her and he hated himself for feeling that way, he still felt that way. The bargaining. It didn't last long. And now the depression.
Morgana hated driving. Absolutely hated it. Ever since the crash she was reluctant to go in cars yet as of late it was worse. The five stages of grief. Denial. Anger. She was so fucking angry, all the time. Then the bargaining. Promising how she'd never sleep with Alvarr or cut again, maybe even being ok with Merlin. How if she wasn't pregnant and as sick as she was she would've been able to react quicker. She had saved the baby, but she hadn't saved her own baby. The stages of grief were bad enough separately yet when merged together it simply was too much. Too much to handle.
The beareavent counsellor wasn't much help. While it was good to simply unload it was otherwise useless. Merlin continued to go to those sessions to Morgana's relief as she was able to continue with her bad habits. She knew they were bad yet she couldn't stop. She just couldn't. Then the bargaining simply wouldn't work. She'd abstained from sex. Abstained from drinking. Even cutting. Until it was obvious that the bargains wouldn't work and she soon fell down the hole of depression just as exam week begun and she drowned her sorrows in a bottle of vodka, not that things could get any worse. Morgause was all happily and tanned talking about her trip to Barbados or wherever the hell she went.
Invigilating was extremely dull. Extremely dull, especially in the first few sessions seeing as she didn't have anything to mark. Technically she could've marked some things from before half term yet she was on sick leave therefore didn't have to. It wasn't like she could sleep anyway. Each form was in its own classroom and they would have to invigilate—making sure to keep an eye on the pupils to make sure nobody was cheating. In the fourth form there was an array of subjects being taken thus a large range of what exams would need to be taken so they'd have to make sure nobody was communicating either.
Numb. Merlin wasn't sure how to feel apart from numb. He was tired of just sitting there watch and making sure nobody had cheated on an exam. Although it was rather difficult with hardly any sleep and it was somewhat easier after lunch time seeing as he was now able to mark some papers from earlier that day.
"Well that was fucking exhausting" Morgana sighed as she chucked her bag down on the table in Merlin's classroom. "I'm knackered".
"Me too" Merlin agreed.
"Oh by the way, I'm going to the gym. Pick me up at half five?".
"Okay" Merlin shrugged. "So I'm on dinner duty".
"Of course" Morgana smirked. "Good luck with the baby".
"At least baby food is already made" Merlin agreed. "Just squeeze it onto a spoon".
"And I'm heading off, have fun" she winked.
5th June 2019
Another long day spent invigilating. Merlin was absolutely exhausted—the baby wasn't sleeping so they brought him into their bed yet they didn't want to squash him so ended up spending half the night away anyway. And Morgana was always on the phone scrolling away for half the night. He had begun to mark many of the exam papers—it was now Wednesday and so half way through exam week—half the papers had been done so far. And insomnia was great for marking papers and Merlin and Morgana found out over a bottle of wine while Amhar slept in their bed instead of his cot.
Morgana knew that exam stress could be extremely bad. She herself had been stressed back when she had taken her a-levels and GCSE's. As she was collecting in the exams, she noticed Harriet looking rather stressed and quietly told her to stay behind after everybody left, which she did.
"I'm just so fucking fed up!" Harriet sighed as she slammed her hand on the table. "It used to be not sleeping. And now, well there's that sodding castle with Mr Pendragon and Mrs Smith and you and—and—Mr—Emrys, and I—I just — can't—". She broke off as she began to intake shallow breaths rather quickly.
"Harriet, okay sit down" Morgana said. Having had panic attacks as a child she often was able to recognise the signs of one. "It's okay. Breathe in ... and out".
"Stupid fucking panic attack" Harriet muttered. "Again, coming on for no reason!".
"Harriet, can I tell you something?" Morgana checked.
"Of course".
"I had a panic attack this morning" Morgana sighed. "They've been happening rather frequently whenever I have to go in a car. While during the first few days after the car crash when I was released from hospital, I was terrified. Absolutely terrified".
"I'm so sorry" Harriet gasped. "I forgot about the crash. Must've been terrifying".
"I've learnt to live with it" Morgana shrugged. "How have the nightmares been?".
"They well...they're worse. Every night. I was knighted, Mordred or something I don't know. There were tents. Lots of them. You demanding to know who Emrys was. Saying about how you had no use for me anymore and then I made you fly off. Then I killed Mr Pendragon, only for him to get up and kill me...and now, he's dead in real life and it is all settling in and I don't know how to deal with this".
Morgana leant back in her desk chair as she pushed her hands onto her face. She didn't want to believe it. She kept convincing herself that it wasn't true, just a mere coincidence. Harriet was sweet and innocent, there was no way she was Mordred even if the dreams did point it that way.
But then if Harriet wasn't at all like Mordred, there was hope yet. Not much of it—yet hope.
"What's gotten you looking so frazzled?" Morgause remarked with a frown as Morgana walked into her room.
"You know about Harriet?" Morgana checked. Morgause nodded. "I think it is true...I'm pretty sure of it".
"That she's Mordred?" Morgause asked not bothering to look up from her book.
"Yeah" Morgana sighed as she sat down. "I don't want to believe it. I don't want to. I can't. Yet the way things are going on, well...".
Morgause slammed her book shut and looked over at Morgana. "Sister chat".
"Yeah?" Morgana asked uncertainly. Her sister could be strange at the best of times let alone the worst.
"Now, Arthur and I were acting weird about you and Merlin dating at first because of the past. And now look at you!".
"Frenemies raising a baby".
"Look—" Morgause continued. "It might seem as though things are in a bad way and that nothing can change them. Yet still, the past is in the past and we can only learn from it. We can only learn from our mistakes as we keep on growing".
"So you're saying?" Morgana realised.
"That maybe things will work out. Everything happens for a reason and things may seem tough now but they will settle down".
"Sure" Morgana raised an eyebrow. "Look at you all inspiring".
"It's fate!" Morgause protested.