Startin' 2021 with a banger! (Ha, I wish.)
Okay, so boom...I know I've changed the summary of this story like three-four times. This is what I get for posting a story I'm not completely finished with lol but the purpose of it is to match the direction I'm taking with this whole series, and each part is centered around an overall theme I wanna go for (it'll make more sense once I start posting the other parts.)
We've made it to chapter 10 which means we've made it half way through the fic! If you're still here, thank you for dealing with the ramblings of my whacky mind :) I dunno how you do it, but I really appreciate the support.
Anywho...
As Wanda slept soundly beneath her covers, Cosmo, sitting with his back against the wall on the opposite end of Wanda's duvet, battled the weight of his heart in the wreck of his mind. Shimmers of morning sun shined through the blinds of her window, casting a dim glow within the room. Tiny chirps from birds echoed from outside, the only source of sound amid the stillness in the air.
Cosmo couldn't sleep a wink, replaying the events of the confrontation in his mind, and as much as Wanda wanted to stay up with him, she quickly succumbed to sleep once her head hit the pillow. Never before had he stayed awake for long periods of time, yet here he was coming up on his 26th hour of wakefulness, even after a full class schedule and work shift the day before, running off fumes of hurt and defeat.
…That Fairywinkle's gonna dump you when she realizes what a stupid…PATHETIC excuse of a being you are!
His eyes laid upon the angelic beauty to his right, watching the faint ebb and flow of her chest with her head tilted to the side, her rhythmic breaths parting her lips. How can someone so perfect love someone who embodied the very definition of imperfect?
…She's gonna realize what a waste of LIFE you are, and you'll be left with NOTHING!
In that sense, his mother was right. Without Wanda, he was nothing. Not a fairy, not skin, not muscles, not a skeleton, not organs, not blood running through his veins, not a spirit…nothing.
…YOU…are NOTHING without me! YOU…will ALWAYS be NOTHING!
…YOU HEAR ME?! NOTHING!
Was she right? No matter what he did, no matter what he does, will he never amount to anything?
He buried his face in his arms, shielding the brightness from his irritated eyes. The Cosmo he feared, the Cosmo he hoped never returned, reared its ugly head last night. His anger was not out of the courage to stand up to her as a man, his anger stemmed from the fear of allowing her intimidation to degrade him to that of a little child. To come so far, just for her to dig under his skin deep enough to jam her dagger straight into his vein. He shouldn't have let her get to him, but she did.
He should have known her façade was all to regain control, even he should have seen through her fake sincerity. Why else would she call and text as much as she did? Why else would she stalk him at his job? Without him to control, she felt out of control. Without him, she will always be nothing, and because she will always be nothing, she had to project her insecurities onto him by degrading his character as nothing.
So many years, so much of his childhood gone, living under her wrath and manipulation. His poor father never realized he slept with the devil until it was too late. He remembered his father telling him how much he loved his wife…before. He described her in a way best compared to how Cosmo would describe Wanda. She was the apple of his eye, his blessing in disguise. Tuh, more like his curse in disguise…
He knew not why she changed, he knew not why she became the psychotic witch Cosmo knew her to be. His father searched for those answers himself, yet none he found. Would his father have taken his own life if his mother never changed? Probably not. For her to use his father's suicide as a weapon against him, to use his own attempt against him, was the biggest low blow she ever punched. He knew her to be cruel, but never had he known her to be so vicious.
And was she right about Wanda? If he ceased to exist…would she still be with Juandissimo? Their relationship was born out of the death of his ties to her. She never fully explained why she made the decision to come back to him…why come back to him? Was it because he practically begged her to? He knew she felt conflicted and yet the selfish part of him didn't care. All he cared about was for her to come back to him, and now that he had her to claim again…was it worth it for her? She didn't act like she harbored regrets, not when around him that is. What was she thinking behind closed doors?
Grumbling to himself, Cosmo raised his head and rested his chin on his arms. He can't let his mother's insecurities plant seeds of doubt in his head. Wanda loved him; she said so many times before, shown it many times before. Hell, she showed him last night. She could have told him to suck it up, stop his pathetic crying, stop feeling sorry for himself. She could have told him to go to his own room to cry in his own bed. She did none of those things…she accepted him with open arms, filling him with at much love as she could give.
He had no reason to doubt Wanda before, and he shouldn't have a reason to doubt her now.
Feeling the covers stir beneath him, he looked over to see pink orbs blinking awake. He watched her turn her head to face him, a weak smiling curling her lips. So much did he want to return the gesture, yet his wounded soul felt too beaten…
"…morning." She rubbed her eyes with a stretch, sitting up against her pillow.
All he could do was stare, his throat clamped dry.
Seeing the strain in his eyes with large bags underneath, including the fact that he hadn't changed out of his work clothes, her smile soon faded. "…Cosmo, have you been awake this whole time?"
His eyes averted hers, confirming her assumption. She crawled from underneath her covers closer to where Cosmo sat, sitting with her legs straight as she shifted to press her back against the wall. She reached out with her hand to touch his shoulder, yet he reacted by jerking away, keeping his eyes low.
"…Cosmo." Wanda didn't want to take his reaction personally; whatever he was dealing with really messed with him. "…do you wanna talk about what happened last night?"
He couldn't look at her…he didn't want her to coddle him again. Otherwise, he'd just start crying, and the last thing he wanted to do was shed more tears over that witch he had the displeasure of calling his mother.
Wanda's phone vibrated from a new text message, and when she lifted herself from her bed to go retrieve it, she opened her phone to find the message was from Spike.
"Hey, Wanda…is Coz with you? Thorn said he took him to see his mom last night, but when they came back, he didn't come back to the room."
That explained a lot…she should have known from the hand imprint now faded into his regular skin tone.
She looked over to him, his eyes still turned away from her. "…is your mother why you're so upset?" Wanda gently asked, looming towards Cosmo.
His blank stare turned angry again, his growl barely audible. "…I never wanna see the likes of her again."
Wanda sent a reply back to Spike before turning her phone on mute and turned back to face him. He didn't look at her as she put her phone beside his foot on her bed, and when she went to hug him, he gently pushed her away. "…Cosmo, it's me." Wanda tried to reason, resting her hand over his arms which he thankfully didn't shove away. "You can talk to me, remember?"
He lifted his gaze to her as if in pain. He felt fresh tears press the back of his eyes just from the pure concern he sensed from her…and her soft hands reaching to caress his cheek only made his tears more threatening. He winced slightly by the warmth of her hands to the cool of his face, her thumb stroking the dried tears as if to make room for the new ones trickling from his eyes. Finding the will to speak, his voice trembled in his murmur. "…I have no family left…"
Those five words…felt all too familiar for Wanda.
Just under eight months ago did she utter those same exact words on Susie's couch. For him to say those words, it was clear that Cosmo officially cut ties from Mama Cosma. That must have taken a great deal of courage to do, more courage than even he thought he had. Cutting toxic people and their toxic energy out of your life takes courage. It's never easy, nor does it never hurt in the beginning. Cutting them out not only means cutting off the suffering they caused…it also means cutting off the years and energy and time wasted.
Wanda took her seat beside Cosmo once more, resting her hand on his right shoulder. "…I know what that feels like…" She spoke ever so gently, causing Cosmo to turn to her empathy. "…I used to feel that way…when my mom died…and when my dad kicked me out. I felt like I lost my identity…like I simply existed without cause or with no real purpose to my surname."
He let his tears flow freely as he listened, almost as if her words spoke directly to his heart.
"…but Susie reminded me that blood doesn't equal family." She continued. "…she reminded me of the family I had in her, and so do you." Her lips curved into a soft grin. "You have family in her, in Spike, in Thornton, in Rose…even Alewandro. But most importantly…" she cupped his hand held it over her heart, subtle thumps beating against his palm. "…you will always have family in me, and that will never change."
Through his tears, he saw her tender spirit, and through his tears, he felt heart. No longer able to hold back, the dam in his shattered spirit broke, and the tears he tried to hold back came flowing down his cheeks. He covered his mouth to muffle his hitched sobs, his shoulders rocking with such overwhelming emotion bursting through him. Wanda circled her arm around his shoulder and brought him to her, hugging him tight as he cried harder than he had in what felt like forever.
"…it's okay, sweetie." She comforted him, gently scratching his hair as she rocked him like soothing a crying baby. "…just let it out."
And that he did. He let it all out; all his pain, all his suffering, all his anguish…set free in strained breaths, poured out in sorrowful tears. Gripping the fabric of her white T-shirt, Cosmo buried his face into her as he wept in her chest, her cheek nestled into his hair as she scratched his scalp.
This is exactly what he didn't want; a grown man…crying like a baby in his girlfriend's arms.
Why was he crying? Out of all the bullies he dealt with growing up, his own mother made top of the list. He should be happy to no longer subject to her verbal and emotional abuse only to be placed at fault for her irate actions. He should be happy to dissolve the burden of never being good enough for someone he can never truly please. He should be happy that his mother's need for control and domination will never leave him powerless and crushed again. He wouldn't have given her a second thought if it weren't for harassment with multiple calls and texts and stalking him at his job.
He used to love her and not her actions, but he should have realized sooner that actions define who a person is. Actions say a lot about a person; one's internal state of being ties to the external actions towards others and even themselves. In her case, it's impossible to love her yet hate her actions because her actions stem from the core of her being. The way she treated him was a statement of who she was as a person. He shouldn't love someone who showed so much hate towards him, towards his father even.
…Why did they ever love her at all?
"So, how's your 'professor escapades' going?" Cupid asked, floating alongside Blonda on their way to his room in Leo Hall. "Still the best you've ever had?"
"And then some." Blonda hadn't felt this good in what felt like a millennium. "I've never felt like this about anyone before besides…well…you know who." She added bitterly at the end, referring to a certain Hispanic ex-friend of hers. "It's so liberating that he truly feels the same way."
"Girl, I'm happy if you're happy." Cupid stated with a smile. "Forbidden love can be exhilarating!"
"Just wish the girls felt the same way you do…" Blonda sullenly expressed. "They've been all weird about it, lately."
"How?"
"They think I'm nothing more than just a booty call…" Blonda replied, recalling a certain not needed conversation she had with Ruby and her sisters the night before.
"I just think they just love you so much and are just concerned about you." Cupid commented. "They just have a 'not-so-loving' way of showing it."
Hearing her phone buzzing in her purse, Blonda reaches inside to take it out, reading 'Prof C' on her caller ID.
"Speak of the devil…" Cupid smirked as Blonda answered the call, holding the phone to her ear.
"Hey, Blonda." She heard Professor Cardician greet on the other line, making her smile. "Studying for finals?"
"Not really." Blonda replied. "I figured I have the whole weekend to study so…right now I'm just walking and talking with a friend."
"Sounds nice." Professor Cardician chuckled. "So…" a small moment of silence. "…would you like to come over later tonight?"
"Hmmm." Blonda sensually bit her bottom lip. "What's the occasion?"
"What, I can't just want to see you?" Professor Cardician kidded.
"I meeeeeannn, do you wanna see me, or do you wanna see me?"
"…you're not gonna give me a straight answer, are you?"
"What's the fun in that?" Blonda giggled; she loved messing with him. "Of course, I'd like to come over."
"I was hoping you would." Professor Cardician said. "Because I have the whole evening planned."
"Oh, do you?"
"Indeed." He warmly assured. "Figured some Starflix and chill would be nice…with a little more 'chill' at some point."
"Awwww." Blonda new exactly what 'chill' meant, and nothing could make her want him any less. "You're so sweet."
She heard him laugh faintly on the other end. "Not as sweet as your big lips."
. . . . . .
Ruby studied for her Theatre 1 final, holding her textbook over her legs crossed Indian style. She heard the unlocking of her door which could only mean madam Blonda has returned, though her eyes never strayed from the written text as Blonda entered.
"Hey, girl." Not receiving an immediate response, Blonda looked over her shoulder to Ruby paying more attention to her textbook, so she spoke a little louder. "Hey, Ruby."
"I heard you the first time."
Ruby responded with more attitude than Blonda's liking. "Then why didn't you answer?"
Rolling her eyes, Ruby swiftly shut her textbook to relocate from her bed to her desk. She ignored Blonda's quizzical glare as she slumped into her desk chair, dropping her textbook on the wooden surface before tossing the pages back to her bookmarked page.
"Seriously, Ruby?!" Blonda wasn't in the mood to deal with Ruby's theatrics. "What's your deal?!"
"Why are you still entertaining that clown?!" Ruby shot back, still rearing from the almost heated discussion from the night before about Blonda's 'forbidden love' interest. "How can you not see that you're just nothing but a piece of ass for him?!"
"Excuse me?!" Blonda didn't like that tone of voice; geez, can she not just come in the room without a verbal boxing match? "Where was this energy when I first told you about him?!"
"You didn't wanna hear it!" Ruby countered. "You forced us to keep it a secret!"
"Why are you coming for me when I didn't send for you?!"
"And why are you so stupid?!"
Blonda couldn't believe what she was hearing; she was happy with someone who loved her just as much as she loved him…why was that so wrong? Why was her happiness such a crime? "The hell do you mean, stupid?!"
"After all your failed relationships with guys, I thought you'd learn your worth by now!" Ruby bitterly admitted. "That's something you didn't want to hear last night!"
"Last night all three of you came at me left field!" Blonda made an advance towards Ruby, glaring her in the face. "Like, wtf was that mess supposed to be, Intervention?!"
"We weren't coming at you left field, we were trying to help you!" Ruby retorted, rising from her seat. "Trust me, we wanted to be happy for you and all we want is for you to be happy! But your choice in men isn't exactly the best, and Professor Cardician is no exception."
"Professor Cardician treats me like the woman I deserve to be!" Blonda rebutted. "I am happy, but you guys can't see that!"
"And you can't see what we're trying to tell you!" Ruby argued. "You didn't wanna listen then, and you certainly don't wanna listen now! And guess what? We're sick of keeping your dirty little secret!"
"Oh, is that why you had such an issue last night?!" Blonda crossed her arms, huffing her chest. "Because staying loyal is obviously something the three of you struggle to comprehend?!"
Ruby gasped, offended by Blonda's ridiculous comments. "How is it considered 'loyal' allowing your best friend to keep making the same dumb mistakes that could affect the rest of her life?!"
"Dumb mistake?!" Blonda hovered closer Ruby's glower. "He's not a mistake!"
"…just like Juandissimo wasn't a mistake?"
It was Blonda's turn to gasp in offense. What was she even talking about?! Both she and her sisters knew how much she wanted that to work out…hell, they were the ones encouraging her to keep it going. "He'll come around" they said, "Give it more time" they said. Man how wrong they were…
"…Professor Cardician loves me!" Blonda proclaimed, sick of being backed into a corner. "Of course, how could you see that; you wouldn't know what love felt like even if it hit you!"
The anger in her glare dropped to that of shock, Ruby staring into Blonda's glare. Apparently, looking out for your best friend's best interest results in insults hurled your way. Insults that said best friend knew to cut deep because those insults would only be thrown with the intent to cause pain.
Her breaths strained in agitation, Ruby snatched her dorm keys and shot passed Blonda, unbothered by Blonda's icy scowl as she left the room with a hard slam.
Thornton and Spike exited out the back entrance of Leo Hall, facing the view of cars passing by on the main roads behind the iron barbed fence. They, like most students, knew they had to hit the books hard to prepare for a week of testing. After studying two hours straight for their Wand Engineering 101 final, Thornton suggested they take a quick break, feeling a crave of nicotine.
Leaned against the red brick backdrop of the dorm, Thornton reached in his back pocket for his lighter, taking a cigarette from his pack half empty. He kept one in between his fingers and set it in his mouth while he pulled out another one, holding it out to Spike leaning beside him against the wall. "Cig, bro?"
"No thanks, man. Tryin' to quit." Spike kidded while Thornton shrugged placing the extra cigarette back in its case.
"Ha, I should probably quit, low key." Thornton flicked his lighter, attempting to light a small fire.
Spike watched him as he held the light to his bud, waiting for a smoke. "You say…as you light your cigarette."
Thornton smirked, taking a long drag before blowing out excess smoke, returning with his own jaunty reply. "Kiss…my floatin' ass."
Spike gave Thornton a lighthearted shove of his shoulder, chuckling in response.
One wouldn't peg these two to be friends; they didn't share a lot of common interests. Thornton vibed more to Hip Hop and Chill Trap than Spike's Rock and Metalcore. Thornton would rather watch a good Comedy than get grossed out by the gory Horror flicks Spike enjoyed. Thornton favored some color compared to Spike's dark wardrobe. Despite these mundane differences, they found a shared sense of humor, sometimes engaging in harmless banter for what seemed like hours.
With Spike being an only child and Thornton having three younger sisters, it took no time for them to bond like brothers.
"Annnyway." Thornton changed the subject, taking another puff of his cigarette. "You and Rose are finally official, eh?"
"Yeah." Spike replied softly as he folded his arms, staring up at the sky cloaked in clouds, reflecting back to Rose agreed to be his girlfriend not even 24 hours prior. "Freakin' crazy, bro…"
Thornton flicked excess ash, turning to his friend with a crooked smile. "Well, no thanks to you, I'm now officially the seventh wheel of the group."
"Oh, you poor thing." Spike sarcastically remarked, leading Thornton to snicker as he held the cigarette to his mouth.
"In all seriousness man, I'm happy for your guys." Thornton commended, thinking about his high school best friend. "Rose is definitely in much better hands than that last creep she dated…"
Catching the later part of his sentence, Spike curiously turned to Thornton. "What chu talkin' bout, Thornton?"
Remembering he promised Rose he'd keep her ex in secrecy, Thornton glanced left and right in a subtle panic. "Uh…nothin'."
"Nuh-uh, bro." Spike lifted himself from the wall, hovering in front of Thornton as he inhaled more nicotine, serious in his brow. "Now you gotta tell me."
"Nah, bro." Thornton tried to refuse. "I promised I wouldn't tell nobody."
"Am I not Rose's boyfriend?"
"...Yeah?"
"Then I think I have a right to know."
"Man, look..." Thornton sighed the smoke out his lungs, making sure not to aim in Spike's face. "I can't tell you."
"Yes you can." Spike persuaded. "Or else I'll just keep interrogating it out of you."
Mother F... Thornton should have never alluded to anything. Spike was relentless... and Rose was gonna kill him for this.
"Let's just say…her ex should really be in jail right now…" He noticed the perplexation on Spike's face, tapping more excess ash from his cigarette before he swiftly added "But you didn't hear it from me."
Spike held his skeptical gaze as Thornton dropped his cigarette and flew down to put it out with the toe of his sneakers. "I think that's a long enough break…" Thornton never felt so awkward in his life, picking up the dead bud to throw away in a trashcan. "We should get back to it."
Spike could do nothing but stlare at Thornton as he flew back to the back exit, following behind as Thornton twisted the handle to enter, traveling back to Thornton's dorm room. Rose only briefly mentioned an ex of some sorts, though she made it a point not to go into much detail. Should he have probed more, just so he'd be aware of what he was getting himself into? Or was it none of his business? The past is the past and has nothing to do with him, but if what Thornton said was true, then Rose had a lot of explaining to do…
Wanda stared upwards with one arm against her pillow behind her head. The other continued to gently scratch Cosmo's scalp as his head rest just below her collar bone. Underneath the covers, he lay on his side with one leg over hers, cuddled over her chest like a baby coddled next to their mother. His thumb lay limp in his mouth, soft snores breathing through his lips. She lifted her head to view the lax in his features, tears dry beneath his lids, before resting her head to continue gazing at the sheetrock above her.
For a straight hour she could do nothing but listen to him cry his heart out. For an hour all she could do was hold him and rock him, try to comfort him as much as possible. When his cries finally subdued to weary sniffles, she brought him over to where they could lay down, and after poofing him into his tank top and underwear, she tucked them underneath her duvet where he eventually cried himself to sleep, leaving Wanda to her thoughts.
If given the chance to confront Mama Cosma all over again…what would she say? Would it even be worth it? No…though...calling her out her name and yelling all kinds of profanities might release pent up frustrations towards her and her devil of a character, but she knew it'd only make everything worse, more so for Cosmo. She remembered what her own mother was like, how judgmental she became of her. She remembered what it was like when her mother stopped thinking for herself and took Big Daddy's side more. She loved her, but oh, how she had grown to resent her. If her mother was anything like Mama Cosma, she'd probably take the truck that killed her and crash into her herself.
To say she was relieved for Cosmo to never deal with her manipulative, psychotic tactics again would be an understatement. She crushed her son's confidence so much that Wanda had to rebuild his self-esteem from the ground up. His freedom came with a cost…sticks and stone may break bones, but words can shoot holes through your heart. She can imagine Mama Cosma not being too happy with Cosmo axing her from his life. Whatever she said really did a number on him…the poor guy was so upset, and once again, Wanda had to rebuild what she tore down.
Remembering her phone was on silent, she picked it up from beside her and opened to see if she received any new messages. There was one from Spike which she already replied to, and there was a new message from Susie, reading "Is Coz okay?" from the message preview.
Using her thumb to type out a reply, Wanda responded with "He finally fell asleep; he went to confront his mother last night."
Maybe twenty seconds went by before she received a reply from Susie: "He saw his mother?! What happened?!"
Wanda typed her reply: "No idea, but whatever happened wasn't good."
It probably would have been easier to just switch the conversation to over the phone instead of using one hand to text, but she didn't want to risk waking Cosmo after he just went to sleep maybe thirty minutes ago.
Susie: "…I woke up to someone crying earlier. Was that him?"
Wanda: "Yeah…he didn't sleep at all last night either."
Susie: "Oh no, poor Cozzie…I really hope he feels better."
Wanda: "He might feel a little better after a good sleep."
Susie: "I just hope whatever happened didn't destroy him too much…"
Wanda: "Me too…but, anyway, how are you?"
Susie: "Honestly…not good."
Wanda: "Why? What's wrong?"
Susie: "*sigh*…I texted Wandro last night and didn't get a response until a couple minutes ago…turns out his parents set him and Juandissimo up to confront each other…"
Wanda: "Uh oh...what happened?"
Susie: "Girl…let's just say...everything went to hell and back."
Moss-laden marble pillars and bricks of grey-orange stood on either side of the ancient wrought-iron gates, 'Fairy World Cemetery' written in iron high about the entrance. The death of day and the birth of night casted dark shadows behind the rows of rustic gravestones, red and brown leaves flowing in the subtle gust of wind.
Juandissimo, the only source of life among buried urns filled with magic dust of those once lived, kept his hands in his pockets as he floated along the familiar path. As much as he wanted to be alone, he craved the company of someone who could never shun him.
Stumbling upon the tattered tombstone, Juandissimo took out his wand to poof a new bouquet of flowers to exchange the dead ones when Juanita visited maybe a couple a weeks ago. When she did visit, she had wanted them to visit her grave together, but with Juanita's cheer squad and music club extracurriculars and Juandissimo's course workload, they came across multiple conflictions in schedules. At least, that was the excuse Juandissimo used.
Setting the new bouquet in front of the grave, he took a seat Indian-style in front of it, his downhearted eyes reading 'Estrella Magnifico Magicatio; sister of one, mother of two, and beloved of many, gone too soon' engraved across the center of the stone. He sat in the silence of melancholy, soaking in the irony of secluded company, as he tried to sort out the whirlwind of his mind.
Fighting his mental state everyday while staying on top of his studies proved difficult at best. Even if he bombed his finals, he wouldn't flunk out, but that alone took all of his effort to avoid the whole semester. Some days he didn't want to will himself out of bed. Some days, he didn't want to eat, didn't want to get dressed. Some days, he couldn't motivate himself to exercise or lose himself in his guitar. Some days…he wished he could just hide the rest of his life underneath his covers. At least then, nothing and no one could hurt him…
…Your mother is never coming back because of your obstinacy!
…She died…because of you!
Those words burned like fire. Aside from when his mother died, last night had to be the absolute worst night of his life. His own family, his own flesh and blood…tore his soul in half and threw it back in his face. Their parents had to have known the outcome of their conflict; did they think they were going to come to a middle ground?! That was the first time they spoke since the last big argument, though that argument paled in comparison.
Sleep didn't come easy; the chaos of thoughts and flashbacks kept him awake, sitting within the company of nighttime darkness in his bed, and after staying up all day, his body was well past fatigued, his mind still ran restless…
There was no peace in his heart. There was no solace, only torment. Only torture. Torture in seeing the once love of his life love someone opposite of him, torture in seeing someone once so incredibly special in his life sprout such hatred and loathing towards him. Torture in selfishly holding his sister hostage in a game of tug-a-war between her two brothers, torture in someone he once called his brother…shoot such venom into his veins as if he stood trial on death row.
Hearing those piercing words only confirmed what he always knew in his heart to be true…it was all his fault. Here he was, staring at his mother's grave…because he made one of the biggest and dumbest mistakes he could ever possibly make. He can never hear her again…he can never speak to her again…he can never hug her again…he can never be held by her again…he can never see her smile again…he can never feel her love again...
Because of him.
"…hola, mamá…" he willed himself to speak just above a whisper, aware he wouldn't get a physical reply back. "…Te echo de menos…" […I miss you…]
His ponytail swayed in the gentle autumn breeze as he continued, hoping that where ever she was…she was listening. Wherever she was, he hoped she could forgive him. Wherever she was, he could only hope she didn't hate him.
"…I wish…I could just lay in your arms…" he circled his arms around himself. "…I wish…I can hear you sing…"
His vision blurred with threatening tears, squeezing himself tighter.
"…I am trying…trying my hardest…" he closed his eyes from the burn, his emotions seeping into his voice. "….I am unsure….if I can keep going without you…"
Feeling the dam in his heart breaking, he hung his head low over in his anguish, single tears trickling from his shut eyes. "…P-por favor…vuelve a mi…" […please…come back to me…] he wiped his tears with a shaky hand. "…No se si…p-puedo hacer esto mas…." […I don't know if…I can do this anymore…]
As a child, he was mocked if he showed any form of negative emotion, shamed even. "¡Los hombres no son débiles!" [Men are not weak!] he'd hear come from his sperm donor's mouth. "¡Deja de llorar!" [Stop crying!] He was (previously) a Magicatio; Magicatios were tough, not little pansies! For a while, he used to feel the same way, that crying showed weakness. Sometimes when he felt sad or depressed, he'd convert that into energy to workout, or aggression. Other times, he'd bottle his pitiful emotions inside, burying them alive out of the despair that no one cared.
Now at nineteen years of age, his pain reduced him to that of a child crying for his mother. Because he wanted to be some dumb hero, he might as well have held the knife that split her throat open. Without her, there was no point in continuing such a miserable existence. Why go on anymore? Fighting to live only exacerbated the extent of his suffering. He was weak, a weak, pathetic excuse of a fairy. The little strength he had disappeared, the little will he had vanished.
What was the point of living, when the only thing worth living for…was no longer alive?
Doubling over from his pain, Juandissimo crouched to the ground, muffling his sobs with his face in his palms. The only source of comfort to his anguish was some of the flower pedals from the bouquet breaking off into the wind, circling around him as if to hush his cries.
AN: Um, sorry to end on such a depressing note, but uh...
Cuz I'm weird like that, I'm gonna post chapter 11 the following Monday, just to get back on the schedule of odd chapters on Mondays and even chapters on Thursdays. I dunno, like I said, I'm weird like that. Tee hee.
Stay tuned!