Chapter 19

Morning came and neither Clarke nor Lexa stirred until the sun was high in the sky and the summer heat demanded they remove themselves from the other's embrace. Clarke stretched before kissing Lexa on the cheek, Lexa smiling softly before opening her eyes.

"We should get up, Lexa," Clarke said softly, snuggling back up against Lexa in contrast to her words.

"We should," Lexa said, pulling Clarke closer, their noses touching. They lay like that for several long minutes before Clarke stretched again, yawning.

"What all do you need to do today?" she asked softly, not looking forward to Lexa leaving her.

Lexa thought for a minute, "I need to see what is being done about Henry." She also didn't want to leave the bed.

Clarke frowned, "No, you don't. You can let Kane deal with that. Besides, he made the right choice in the end."

Lexa frowned. Henry had threatened Clarke's life. He needed consequences, but it would probably be best to let Skaikru deal with him. Generally, each clan was allowed to have their own laws and punishments, so long as they were dealing with their own people. The coalition generally only got involved when the clans had issue with each other.

Finally, she nodded, conceding this one to Clarke, "What do you want to do today?"

Clarke gave a small smile. She didn't have plans and Lexa knew that, but recognized that Lexa didn't seem to be leaving her yet. She thought for a minute, "Can we go for a walk? Maybe just around the lake so that we aren't far from the camp?"

Lexa smiled back at her. That might be good for Clarke. "You'll have to remember to both wear and tie your shoes if we go for a walk," she said, mirth in her eyes.

Clarke rolled her eyes, feigning offense, throwing her arm over her eyes, "We were just going to the bathroom, Lexa! I didn't want to get them all the way on just for that!" She peeked out from under her arms, smiling.

Lexa smiled back, before finally turning to exit the bed, Clarke reluctantly doing the same. Clarke grabbed her shoes as Lexa said, "I'll see if your guards are up for a walk after their adventure last night. If not, then my guards are capable of keeping an eye on both of us."

They exited the room to find Lincoln awake, but Octavia and Raven still asleep. Lexa whispered to Lincoln that they essentially had the morning and afternoon off, him nodding and then smiling at Clarke as Lexa explained that they would be taking a walk.

She addressed her guards once they were outside, just out of earshot of Clarke, who was taking in the new day. She didn't know why, but she felt lighter today. The air felt slightly fresher and less suffocating.

Lexa approached her and said that her guards were packing food before they left, and then handed Clarke a pouch of dried meats and nuts for breakfast.

Clarke took it graciously, she had realized she was hungry when they'd left the cabin, and it felt nice to recognize hunger again; everyone was always trying to stay on top of her needs and, while she appreciated it, it also felt suffocating sometimes.

The guards returned with satchels and they were off. It felt good to be outside and away from everything for a little bit. Clarke thought about holding Lexa's hand while they walked, but decided not to since the guards were present and she didn't want to put Lexa in an uncomfortable situation where she had to choose between letting Clarke take the lead in physical contact and maintaining her role as Heda.

Lexa looked at peace and they walked to the far side of the lake in quiet before sitting to rest by some trees on the far side. They could see the Ark on the other side, but couldn't hear anything going on in the camp. Lexa's guards spread out and were out of sight, though Clarke knew they wouldn't go far.

As she looked at Arkadia, she couldn't help but think that the metal structure jutting out of the Earth was a bit of an eyesore, but they couldn't help where they had landed. She lay back on the ground and put her arms behind her neck, closing her eyes and just enjoying the sun on her face. She listened to the birds and other forest sounds, the water as it sloshed up against the shore, the wind as it danced gently across her face and through the leaves. She felt peaceful for the first time in a very long time.

Lexa leaned back on her hands, watching Clarke. She smiled softly at how peaceful she looked. For someone raised in space, it was clear Clarke felt most at peace in nature. She could tell that Clarke never felt comfortable in Arkadia, even if staying the cabin eased it slightly. Lexa understood Clarke's desire to just leave. The place was oppressive for anyone who preferred the beauty of the natural world. Of course, Clarke's desire to leave was also based on darker intentions. Lexa's heart clenched again at what Clarke's plan had been. She didn't believe for one moment that Clarke intended to leave and live in the woods; she intended to leave and let nature, let death, claim her. It wasn't unexpected given what she had gone through, but it still terrified Lexa. Clarke had a spirit in her that was stubborn and determined; if she put her mind to something, she would achieve it. If that thing was death, death would become her. Lexa shuddered at how easily she could have lost Clarke. If she hadn't pushed her last night, if her emotions hadn't taken control of her, she had no doubt that Clarke would pull further away, while simultaneously convincing others that she truly was healing, before walking away again shortly after Lexa left. Lexa would look for her, she wouldn't stop until she found her, but she knew that what she found when she finally located Clarke would destroy her.

She looked at how peaceful Clarke looked just laying there and wondered if she had truly done away with her plan or if she had just decided to convince Lexa that she was alright so that Lexa wouldn't interfere with her plans. Lexa couldn't allow there to be even a chance of that happening. If she had to have Clarke under watch all day, every moment of every day to prevent that, then that's exactly what she would do.

Clarke opened her eyes so see Lexa's frown. She looked at her questioningly, as Lexa schooled her face back into a peaceful mask. Clarke sat up then and asked Lexa what was wrong.

Lexa was quiet for a moment, looking over the waters before speaking, "Are you still planning to leave Arkadia after I go back to Polis?"

Clarke looked confused for a moment. She had told Lexa last night that she would stay. She shook her head as she said, "No, I'm not planning on leaving. I don't want to stay in Arkadia, but I won't do that to you…I told that last night." Clarke looked down at her hands as she finished speaking.

Lexa didn't look at her. She wanted to believe Clarke, but her fear of losing her made her doubt.

"Lexa, tell me what you're thinking," Clarke said softly.

Lexa sighed, "You're smart, Clarke. Even after a brain injury, you're still smarter than most. I can't help but worry that you're smart enough to know that I would take steps to keep you from leaving like that if I knew you were going to leave. I can't help but wonder if you're lulling me into a false sense of security so that I'll let my guard down... and then you'll leave when you get the chance."

Clarke wasn't sure if she should be offended that Lexa thought she was trying to manipulate her or complimented that she thought she was smart. Lexa still wouldn't look at her, though.

"What do I need to do to convince you that I meant what I said, that I won't just up and go as soon as you leave?" Clarke finally asked, looking back out over the water.

"Come back with me to Polis when I leave," Lexa said softly, still not looking at Clarke.

Clarke thought for a moment, "You want me to come back to Polis so you can keep a better eye on me." There was a hint of sadness in her voice. If she went back to Polis with Lexa, she wanted it to be because Lexa wanted her with her or wanted her input on her people, not because Lexa wanted to make sure she didn't run away, never to be seen alive again.

"Yes," Lexa answered honestly, "that is a part of it."

Clarke laid back down, crossing her arms behind her head, "No."

Lexa looked at her, a frown appearing on her face, "No?"

Clarke looked at her, her expression unreadable, "No, I won't go back to Polis with you."

Lexa took a deep breath. That seemed to answer her initial question: Clarke was still planning on leaving. Her heart threatened to shatter, fear and anger beginning to bloom, as she said, "I could order you to accompany me."

Clarke gave her a hard look, "You could... but you won't."

Lexa raised an eyebrow at her, "I won't?"

Clarke shook her head, "No, you won't. Forcing me to come to Polis with you won't change your fear that I'm planning to leave. The whole time I'm there, you'll be worried that I might sneak away. You said I'm smart, do you really think I wouldn't find a way to leave if I really wanted to?"

Lexa sighed. Clarke was right, but that didn't change anything. Clarke continued, "The only way for you to believe me when I say I'm not planning to leave is for you to trust me when I say I won't. And the only way for you to do that is to leave me here."

Lexa looked down, "How can I do that when being wrong means losing you?"

Clarke sat up again. She reached over and caressed Lexa's cheek. She had the sudden urge to kiss her. Her insecurities started playing at her mind until she remembered Lexa saying that she wanted to kiss her, but it had to be Clarke's choice. Clarke was now asking Lexa to trust her; she needed to extend that same trust to Lexa.

Slowly, she leaned in, giving Lexa time to back away if she chose. Lexa leaned in, too. Then their lips were on each other. It wasn't as chaste as their previous kisses had been, but more like that first kiss in the Commander's tent.

Eventually, Clarke pulled away, resting her forehead against Lexa's, "You're going to have to trust me, Lexa. I can promise a hundred times, but you won't believe it until you have to test it. When you leave, I'll stay here. When you come back, whether it's in a week or a year, I'll still be here."

Lexa let out a breath, looking into Clarke's eyes, searching them for a long time before speaking, "But I still want you to come back to Polis with me."

Clarke closed her eyes. She hated the thought of Lexa leaving, hated the thought of staying in Arkadia. If Lexa wasn't so worried about her following through on her plan to leave, she would go with her in a heartbeat, but she couldn't do it. Not if Lexa couldn't trust her. If she was going to have to trust Lexa, to trust that Lexa wanted to be with her for her, not because of fear or duty, then she needed Lexa to trust her, too.

"I want to go with you. I want to be with you and I don't like staying in Arkadia," Clarke said slowly, "but I need you to know that, beyond a shadow of a doubt, you can trust me."

Lexa closed her eyes, gently pulling away and sighed. Clarke was right, "Okay. I can do that. I do trust you, Clarke; I'm just scared."

Clarke smile as she leaned back on her hands. Lexa returned her smile before continuing, "And here I thought your mother would be the one I had to fight to convince."

Clarke's smile widened, "I'll work on my mother while you're gone."

They fell into a comfortable silence, just enjoying the sun and the breeze. One of the guards brought over the food they had packed for lunch and they ate it, talking about everything and nothing. Eventually, they fell into a silence again, Clarke frowning as she looked over the water.

"What is it, Clarke?" Lexa asked, moving slightly closer, but not quite touching. Clarke closed the distance and leaned into Lexa's side. Lexa's arm automatically wrapped around her, pulling her closer.

"You won't actually be gone for a year, right?" Clarke asked.

Lexa smiled, "No, definitely not a year."

Clarke smiled and nodded slightly, before falling into a frown and whispering, "How long do you think it will be?"

Lexa thought for a while. She hadn't been planning on returning for quite a long time. She had planned for Clarke to be with her in Polis, so she would have little need to come back any time soon, but, with Clarke staying here and knowing her worry wouldn't ease until they were back together, she knew she couldn't stay gone long.

"One month. One too-long month," she finally said, looking down at Clarke, seeing her frown deepen before she sighed and nodded.

"One month. We can do that," Clarke said with resignation in her voice.

They sat for a while longer, talking about this or that, even laughing at various things. Eventually, it was time to return. Clarke felt both heavier and lighter. On one hand, the idea of Lexa leaving for a month was daunting. On the other, the walk had been good for her and the plan was a good one. She could stay in Arkadia for a month without Lexa. Doubt niggled at the back of her mind, but she pushed it down. She needed Lexa to be able to trust her, just as Lexa needed Clarke to trust her. This was the only way for both of them to do that.

Clarke did worry that Lexa might realize just how messed up she was once she was back home. She was no longer confined to her hospital bed and Lexa had technically already repaid her for saving her life when she saved her from the panther; she had no more duty to Clarke. No one would have held it against her if she chose not to return, especially not Clarke, though the thought made her want to cry. But she had decided before to let Lexa go if that's what Lexa wanted. However, just as Lexa didn't want to take choice and control away from Clarke, Clarke didn't want to take them from Lexa, either. While Clarke had to trust that Lexa wanted to, and would, come back, Lexa had to trust that Clarke would be here.

"You know I will be notified immediately if you did try to leave," Lexa said as they made their way back to Arkadia.

Clarke smiled, thinking to her babysitters…guards…friends. "You're going to have to tell Octavia, Lincoln, and Raven to let me have a bit more freedom when you're gone. This can only work if you trust me," she said in response.

Lexa frowned, but then softened. She didn't like the idea of leaving, of risking her heart by leaving Clarke unattended, but knew Clarke was right. Then she smiled, "I could technically order your guards to give you more freedom, but I cannot order Raven to do anything."

Clarke broke out in a large grin. That was certainly true about more than just keeping an eye on her; she didn't think Raven could be forced to do anything she didn't want to.

"Convincing Raven will have to be on you, Clarke. Some adversaries aren't worth fighting," Lexa teased lightly.

As if to prove their point, Raven and Octavia were livid when they got back. They knew better than to confront Lexa directly about letting Clarke leave without them, without even telling them where they were going, but their body language and frowns spoke volumes. Maybe 'babysitters' wasn't the right word, Clarke thought, maybe 'mother hens' was a better description.

Raven insisted on checking that Clarke hadn't hurt herself or overdone it. Octavia stayed close by and asked details of exactly where they went, cautious to not sound like she was second guessing her Heda. Raven then drilled Clarke on what she had eaten throughout the day and decided it wasn't enough. Octavia then went and got more food. Both glared at her when she burst out laughing.

Lexa then had them sit down and went over what her plans were and when she would be leaving Arkadia. Both Raven and Octavia stiffened, having heard their fight the night before and knowing Clarke had planned to leave Arkadia after Lexa had left. They had thought Clarke had changed her mind, but also assumed that Lexa would either stay longer or take Clarke with her.

Clarke noticed the shift in their body language and knew that her suspicions were correct: they had heard the fight from the night before. She wondered if they heard it all or just the loud parts. She sighed. They had probably heard the whole thing, especially with the way they had glanced at her and now refused to look at her. She would need to address that later, but not today. She'd done as much emotional work today as she could; she didn't have the energy to do anymore, but she realized that she didn't just have to earn back Lexa's trust. She would need to earn theirs.

Raven boldly glared at the Commander and Octavia actually scoffed when Lexa said that she wanted Clarke's guards, both official and unofficial, to give Clarke more freedom. They both looked at Clarke and shook their heads, forgetting momentarily who they were talking to. Lexa shot them a hard look.

"Why? How am I supposed make sure she's safe if I'm not with her?" Octavia asked while Raven just continued to stare daggers at Lexa. She wanted to bring up what she had heard last night, but she couldn't without letting Clarke know that she'd heard.

"Because Clarke isn't a child and she theoretically should be safe among her own people. We need to remember how to trust her again," Lexa said plainly.

"And if something happens?" Raven asked, arms crossed, still glaring, "Will you still think she doesn't need protection?"

"Raven," Clarke said, "I'm not asking you to never be around me. I know you're worried, but I need you to trust me."

Raven turned her glare on Clarke, "And if you break that trust? Clarke, I wasn't joking about kicking your ass."

"I give you permission to do so if she does," Lexa said and Clarke raised her eyebrows at her.

They didn't understand it, they didn't like it, but they'd try. Within reason.