"Hey you" a voice calling after him made Iruka stop in his tracks. "You're uh, Iruka? Right?"
"That's" he turned around to face the origin of the voice, and froze in place.
Standing before him was none other than the Jiraya of the Sannin. Not a single citizen of the Leaf village would fail to recognize this legendary shinobi, and he was looking for Iruka?
"That's?" Jiraya tried to wave him on to finish the sentence.
"YUP" he decided to go for a shorter answer.
"Uh huh, I see what's going on" Jiraya held a hand up towards him and smirked. "It is I, the Great Jiraya! Great Sage of the Toads and master to the fourth Hokage. Please hold all autograph requests til the end."
"And you're looking for me?" the man's theatrics help knock Iruka out of his stupor.
"That's right! I hear you're the goto guy for a very specific topic I happen to be researching."
"What exactly is this topic?" Iruka wasn't particularly knowledgeable in any field of study.
"This is quite confidential, follow me" Jiraya led him into a nearby alleyway and pulled him in close. "Naruto's mother."
Iruka of course also knew about Jiraya's other, much more infamous, title. He didn't particularly feel comfortable discussing things about his friend with a man known as The Legendary Perv.
"I think you've got the wrong person here, and um" he tried to think of a good excuse to leave. "I have to go take a student out of the oven."
His excuse might have made absolutely no sense, but luckily it dazed Jiraya enough to hear those words he could slip away. As he heard the footsteps coming after him he decided to power walk to avoid any further awkward conversation.
"Fuck this" the swear prefaced the sound of a large explosion before an equally large toad was now behind him. "Grab him!"
Given how this had gone from a harmless chase to a giant toad trying to grab him with its tongue, he decided to break into a full run. He felt bad for the shop owners and various civilians who wanted to have a normal afternoon, but were now instead collateral damage in this chase.
"STOP FUCKING RUNNING" Jiraya was quite fed up with his antics and refusal to comply.
"STOP FUCKING ATTACKING ME THEN!" Iruka was much more fed up with his antics.
Sadly this chase could not go on forever. Iruka prided himself as a skilled chuunin, but as strange as he was, Jiraya was a sannin. This difference in their skill levels is how he found himself tied to a tree by a toads tongue.
"Ok, now that you are secured" Jiraya pulled out a small notebook. "How did Naruto acquire a new mother? Did he attempt human transmutation?"
"Did he what?"
"I'll put that as a tentative no for now. How did this new mom of his show up here?'
"Wait, these aren't some of your research questions, their just normal questions?"
"Ok I take great offense to that, but yes these are normal questions."
"I see, I may have jumped to a conclusion early and this whole situation could have probably been avoided."
"I will not be untying you, please answer the question."
"Well, from what I understand, they sort of showed one day and ran into Naruto?" Iruka was trying to remember Naruto's explanation of the events, but that was some time ago now. "And there was some lying involved and then they adopted him?"
"That sounds like utter bullshit."
"Listen, I said the same thing, but no. The Hokage just filled out all the papers himself and showed them to me."
"What the hell! Why didn't he just show me the papers then?"
"Did you ask for them?"
"That is besides the point. Next question, where the hell are they from? Are they even a citizen here?"
"Uh, yes the Hokage also granted them citizenship. They seem pretty insistent about being from the Land of Snow?"
"How insistent?"
"They had a very elaborate backstory related to it so I'm inclined to believe they're from there."
"Hm ok ok. Do they know about Naruto's little uh, his you know, you know?"
"Uh?" Iruka wasn't really sure what that meant.
"You know? His little uh, belly buddy?"
"Belly buddy?"
"Yeah. That sure is what I said."
"Do you mean the fox demon?"
"Yep, as we sannin call it, the belly buddy."
"Uh huh" Iruka decided he would try and get promoted to jonin seeing how Jiraya had managed to become a sannin. "They definitely have no idea about his belly buddy."
"Did they mention anything about his birth parents?"
"They are trying to find out more about them? As of right now though I think they know nothing?"
"So why the hell did this random person adopt Naruto?"
"I really wish you were here like three months ago, because no one else understood how confused I was about this then."
"Is everyone just cool with this? Like no one said 'Hey maybe we shouldn't let a stranger be in charge of Naruto?' no one at all?"
"I DID! I SAID THAT!"
"Well thank you for being the voice of reason here!" Jiraya had the toad release him finally. "I've been out here pulling my hair trying to piece together what kind of black ops mission they must be on to steal Naruto. Only to find out their just a fucking random asshole."
"They did at one point mention a secret lair, it was kind of a joke but then again it could have been a trick."
"It's always a trick! I joke about my secret base all the time! Why? So no one thinks I actually have one!"
The two of them spiraled out of control making more and more inane conspiracies about Rōzu's true motive for adopting Naruto. They threw any and all ideas onto the notepad as valid possibilities.
"Ok so once they've won over Naruto they get him to steal the Scroll of Seals" Jiraya was reading their finalized version. "From there they use the scroll to bargain with the Stone village who hate the Leaf village. Once they've gained safe passage there they double cross the Stone village by revealing their actually from the Cloud village. Thus the Cloud village has three jinchuriki and come the next war they defeat everyone!"
"It's the perfect crime, but they're not getting away with it anymore!" Iruka felt so validated having Jiraya here.
"Come on" he summoned another toad and hopped on its back. "We have to warn the Hokage immediately!"
This afternoon had started in a very strange way for Iruka, but he no longer cared. He was riding a toad towards the Hokage tower to unmask a massive conspiracy and save the village with Jiraya. It couldn't get much better than that.
"WHAT THE FUCK" the Hokage jumped out of his chair as their toad crashed through his window.
"SENSEI WE HAVE GRAVE NEWS" Jiraya sprung to his feet and pulled out the notebook. "Naruto's new "mom" is actually a triple agent!"
"What?"
"Trust us trust us!" he pulled Iruka over. "We can give you the rundown of the whole thing right now!"
"Iruka, is this true?" the Hokage clearly wasn't too sure what was going on.
"Sir it is frightfully true."
"Ok, I'll humor you, you get five minutes to give me the rundown."
The two began their massive production of the truth. It took them a full half hour to run through every point and give the entire explanation. The Hokage just sat and watched throughout all of it right till the end.
"So you see the truth now right?" Jiraya was gesturing to the murder board he'd created on the wall.
"I see" he pushed the button on his desk and leaned towards the speaker. "Rōzu could you come in here please."
"What's up boss?" they opened the door and came in.
"I'd like to introduce you to someone" he pointed at Jiraya and walked to the door. "This is Jiraya, my former pupil and Naruto's deadbeat godfather. I'll see you Monday."
Hiruzen had had a long day, Jiraya had left after hearing one sentence of his update from the village and had not given him any information from his spies. That alone could be forgiven. As he walked past the other workers and wished them a good weekend over the sounds of screaming and property damage that would be a Monday issue, he felt good.
"Um sir" one of the ANBU stationed at the tower stopped him. "Should anyone tr-"
"No, no one should try and stop what's happening in my office" he gave the woman a pat on the shoulder and headed home.
Back in the office, Iruka was cowering under the Hokage's desk. The moment the Hokage locked the door behind him things went to hell. The toad they'd ridden there poofed away from fear as they pointed at Jiraya and just yelled "YOU." He was jealous the toad could do that. Somewhere above him he heard ringing and quickly snatched it up hoping help was on the way.
"Hello? Hokage's office, um, help please."
"Ah good Iruka, could you please put me on speaker" it was the Hokage calling.
"Yes sir" he peeked up from his hiding spot and hit the speaker button.
"I forgot to mention as I left Rōzu, Jiraya's main job is writing porn books. He on numerous occasions has left one of these books here for Naruto's eighteenth birthday."
Iruka really hoped he was done with that sentence. Rōzu had run out of non-desk items to hit Jiraya with, and decided to use the desk.
"YOU NO GOOD" he watched a Jiraya shaped hole get put in the desk and winced. "DEADBEAT PERVERTED PIECE OF TRASH!"
As they hit him with it for a third time there was not enough of the desk left to use as a weapon. Jiraya was somehow still alive to his credit, Iruka had to admit it was very impressive. With nothing left to hurt Jiraya with and not directly touch him Rōzu seemed to have calmed down.
"No thank you sir I'll take the check now" Jiraya weakly said this while holding up a hand.
"I think uh" Iruka went for the door. "I'll just, you know, be on my way?"
"Oh not so fast you" they held the door shut. "Since I've already got you here, I need help planning a birthday party. We have about three weeks."
"Oh thank god" Iruka was just glad to not get some of the runoff violence that was meant for Jiraya. "I can tell you who's parents to check with for invites?"
"Ok that's good, and then we gotta think of a venue, I'm making this guy pay for it on the grounds that he abandoned Naruto."
"I won't even be here then" Jiraya had recovered enough to talk normally.
"Oh you better be, or so help me I will end you" Rōzu pulled him up from the floor by his kimono.
"I could probably uh" Jiraya started to visibly sweat. "Yeah I uh, I can make it."
"Good. Follow up question, what's with the pictures of me on the wall?"
"That is, uh" Iruka wracked his brain to think up a good explanation for the murder board. "Well, very hard to explain."
"I see a picture of me, though I am unaware how or when it was taken, with a big scroll drawn into my hands? Am I also breathing fire a little bit? Is this a drawing of my secret lair?"
"Imagine the worst case scenario for why this is all up there" Iruka figured this would be easier than actually explaining.
"You've realized how incredibly cool I am, and were trying to requisition the Hokage for funds to build me a secret lair?"
"I said the worst."
"I just wanted to imagine a world where my close friend tries to get me a secret lair; instead of trying to predict some fake evil scheme I'm not doing."
"I'm impressed you got it in one, and a little ashamed it was that easy to guess."
"But where are the pictures from? I'll let you know right now there is a wrong answer to this question."
He looked at Rōzu. Behind them Jiraya was frantically signaling him, conveying a sense of urgency he'd never seen before. He hadn't really stopped to consider where Jiraya had got the photos. It was that thought that led to the words to just flow from his mouth.
"Jiraya had them?"
Rōzu turned to look at him, arms folded and lips pressed into a line. Jiraya didn't offer any reply and only stood there with his hand pressed to his forehead.
"So I feel like a bigger training ground would be good for a classic outdoor party right?" they held the door out of the tower open for him.
"Uh yeah that would be the easiest I think" Iruka tried not to look at Jiraya as they left.
"Great, I can fill out some paperwork for it next time I'm in for work" Rōzu went over to the suspended Jiraya and put some papers on him. "If you're late I'll literally kill you. Oh and don't forget to bring an appropriate gift for a seven year old!"
He grumbled out a reply, a hand still firmly pressed to his forehead while he gave Iruka a disappointed look. Iruka felt bad for a moment, and then remembered it was just his own fault.
"And I'm just spitballing here, but like my birthday is only two months away, and a secret base would be a really thoughtful gift."
"You'll have to take that one up with your evil scheme supervisor" Iruka could feel this wouldn't be dropped for a very long time.