Chapter 11 – Lessons Learned. September 15, 2000. Edd and Marie
Edd ran his hand along his head, with his index finger tracing a jagged six-inch-long scar along the left side of his head which ran from one inch behind where his hairline began, and terminated just behind his left ear. The hair which emerged on either side of that scar was stark white, brittle, and shorter than his surrounding hair. Edd began, "When I was born, there were complications. I never had the full details revealed by my parents, but they promised to tell me when I turned eighteen. What I do know is that I had a growth on my head. Not a tumor per se, but a mass of skin which had to be removed with numerous surgeries over the first few years of my life. Naturally, I don't remember any of this, being an infant. However, what I do know from my parents is that the healing process was slow. I continually scratched and pulled at my hair when I was very young, maybe three or four, and I repeatedly broke the stitches and caused severe bleeding. Normally, my parents weren't too concerned, because the wound scabbed over pretty readily, but, I played outside a lot, and the wound became dirty, and infected. I was taken to the hospital to have the infection looked at. When I was at the hospital, I was rushed to the ICU to have the skin around my skull drained of pus and fluids, and I received a severe regimen of antibiotics. Unfortunately, a significant amount of the skin around my head was scraped away and too tender for stitches or staples after the ICU, so this resultant scab and white hair you see is a result of my body's natural healing process, with the skin healing unevenly, and some of the surrounding hair follicles being damaged. When I was leaving the hospital, I had a large white medicated bandage over the scar to protect against further damage. That bandage had to be replaced twice a day to keep the wound clean during the first month of the healing process, and my parents gave me a knit hat to cover the bandage, both to prevent me from scratching, and to prevent the other kids from staring. If I ever reached up to take it off, they were quite quick to yell at me and remind me that I had to keep my beanie on for my health and safety. Naturally, as a child, I never understood that this was to prevent against further infection, and all I knew was that if I took it off, I would be in danger and trouble. So, I left it on for about a month while the bandages were being changed, but, when I was able to remove the bandages for good, I was horrified by the scar on my head. That scar, the white hair, I knew that I was a freak in some way, shape, or form. I knew that I was different. Remember, this is five-year-old Edd, who was rationalizing things through a five-year-old's mind. I never understood the correlation between the infection, bandages, healing process, and the scar. Maybe if I took my hat off as a kid, everyone would've grown to accept it. But, my five-year-old mind thought that my parents were telling me to keep my beanie on for my own sake, lest the other children see my scar, recognize me as a freak, and attack, gossip, or just bully me to no end. So, I never talked about it. Only Ed and Eddy have seen what's under my beanie, albeit through rather mischievous means. They tied my hat to my ceiling and started messing with my things in order to encourage me to break rules. When they removed the tag from my mattress which clearly says 'Do Not Remove,' I recall threatening to give them 'such a thrashing' that I ran out from under my beanie to attack them. But that was once, and they've kept quiet about it. That's about it. I haven't taken my beanie off in public since then, and no one's really asked too many questions, though I'm sure they all have their suspicions. So, yes. Those are the scars which I hide daily."
While Edd was telling this story, Marie's emotions went through varying levels of grief, dread, regret, and empathy. She felt Edd's pain as he poured out his story, was scared of a tragic ending as he explained his hospital visits (despite Edd sitting perfectly healthy in front of her), grew resentful of her past actions as she realized that she could have further exacerbated his injuries through her childhood antics, and felt connected as she related to Edd's sense of isolation, fear of rejection, and sense of being an outsider. Marie's eyes watered and her face reddened as she choked back her tears, refusing to interrupt this story for a moment. When Edd finished, she broke down, reached over to Edd, hugged him, and sobbed for about thirty seconds. "I'm sorry Edd. Sorry for the shit I put you through. Sorry for hurting you. Sorry for just fucking with you, and treating you like shit."
Edd returned the hug, and after Marie said her piece, he broke contact. "Marie, you have nothing to be sorry for. My course was set before I even met you. Besides, it makes joining the Navy that much more attractive. I'll get to wear a cover (hat) every day in uniform and can just swap out my beanie for that," he said with a chuckle.
Marie returned his laugh, "Even now, you can just take the single greatest tragedy in your life and brush it off as if it was nothing. I'll never understand how you can just be so nonchalant about this, but I guess that's just one more reason I'm attracted to you," she said.
"Well, I owe a lot of that, incidentally, to the Stoics. I cannot control all the circumstances of my life. Maybe tomorrow I'll get hit by a car, maybe one day my parents will leave me, maybe one day I'll wake up and realize I have a hideous disfigurement," Edd suggested, pointing to his scar, "I'll never be able to control all the circumstances in my life, but I can control my reaction and my emotions. That scar wasn't going anywhere, and I was somehow rationally able to accept that as a child; nothing I could do would change that scar. The only thing I could change was how I approached each and every following day. I had no idea that's the same philosophy numerous individuals, including POWs, used to endure their daily hardships, but I just focused on what I could control and ignored what I couldn't. No use wasting energy, right? To be honest, the one thing I'm having trouble with, and have had trouble with for my entire life, is believing that I can be accepted at a personal level. Sure, I can work and learn with others, but I don't think I'll ever be able to be comfortable just being myself with someone in a non-professional manner. I don't know if this is making much sense right now, but thank you for listening regardless. It feels good to finally share this with someone other than Ed and Eddy," Edd said to Marie.
"Amazing as that sounds, I still don't see how that can apply to trailer park trash like me. Edd, I've been a failure my whole life, and now you spill your guts out to me and I'm the one who's getting all emotional, and it's making me feel even guiltier for how I treated you in the past," Marie replied.
"Marie; I don't understand what you mean," Edd said. "You're completely innocent of the circumstances which caused my present state and have nothing to apologize for in this regard."
"Innocent? Like Hell," Marie replied. "Edd, I'm fucked up. Yes, I've always been attracted to you, because you're intelligent, respectful, and compassionate. But I've always resented your privilege. I grew up thinking you had such an easy life, thinking that school and friends came naturally, and that you never had to work for anything in your life. I like you, but I was jealous of you at the same time, thinking that if I had a tenth of your gifts, I'd be able to drag myself out of this shithole of a life I'm living. Look, even now, here we are, and you just poured out your most tragic moment, and I'm the one upset that I can't live a decent life. Ten minutes ago, I could say to myself 'at least Edd's had an easy life,' as if that offered me an excuse, and out, for my own failures. Now, I'm looking at my past, and realizing that I'm on a downward spiral of my own making, and that at any day I could've had the courage like you to do something about it. Instead, I'm 17 years into this miserable life, and I'm crashing straight for the bottom. How the hell am I supposed to pull out of that?" Marie asked, exacerbated.
It dawned on Edd that Marie was not in fact solely struggling with the pain she caused Edd. She was struggling with the fact that up until now, she had an excuse which she could fall back on to justify why her life was terrible, an excuse which was rapidly losing its validity as she conversed with Edd. Edd had close to zero experience dealing with this present situation, but, one day he was going to be expected to lead either junior sailors or marines in this regard, so, he might as well start.
"Marie," Edd began. "I cannot possibly fathom what you've gone through. I'll fully admit, I do not know what it is like to grow up without knowing my father, uncertain of where my next meal is coming from, and struggling just to succeed at a base level. But, let's start with where you are. You have a penchant for artistry, you can still graduate on time, you can apply for scholarships, and you are not set on any one path yet. Ignore, just for a second, you past. If you could be anywhere, and choose your own destiny, where would you go?"
Marie was about to speak, but she paused, and thought to herself, "Where do I want to go? Away from here? That's too generic. I'm just running away from where I am, not towards anywhere."
"Edd," Marie began, "I don't know. I genuinely have no idea where I want to go or what I want to do. I just don't want 'to be.' I hate my own life, my own existence, and my failures are staring me down. I can only tell you what I don't want to do, and that is to exist here in Peach Creek. Why? I have no idea, but that's where I'm at. Rock Bottom. Aside from a few highs from selling art, seeing you, or buying a pack of smokes, I want nothing, because I deserve nothing."
"Marie, I don't think any of us 'deserve' anything, other than the opportunity to grow and change. You are free to work towards anything you desire. Has college ever crossed your mind?" Edd asked.
"I'll never get in," Marie replied.
"That wasn't my question," Edd retorted.
"Well, your question is invalid then, because it does not apply to someone like me," Marie spat back.
"Why not?" Edd asked.
"Haven't you been listening! Because good things don't happen to people like me!" Marie shouted.
"Agreed. Things haven't worked out in the past, but why does that mean they won't in the future?" Edd countered.
"Because I don't know what I'm doing. I don't have cash for college applications, let alone college. I have no idea how to apply, when to apply, what is required, and it's just too much effort to put into something I probably won't get!" Marie yelled.
"Marie, I want to focus on what you just said," Edd told her. "Ten seconds ago, you said that good things 'don't' happen, as if that was an insurmountable, absolutely challenge with no way to succeed, like Wilfred flying. Then, five seconds ago, you just told me that it's 'difficult' but not impossible. What was impossible, suddenly became a matter of funds, knowledge of the process, and effort. So, in light of that, I'm going to ask you, can you succeed? If you were given some assistance?"
"Okay smart guy, fine. I 'could' succeed if the stars aligned. See, this is going back to what I was saying earlier, you refuse to give me an excuse for myself," Marie told Edd.
"And is that a bad thing?" Edd asked.
"No, but it just makes right now so much more frustrating! You realize you're making me realize this is all my fault right?" Marie asked.
"That's not my intention," Edd replied. "Yes, that realization is hard. But, think of the other side of the same coin. Succeeding is a possibility! What was once impossible is now possible, though as you say, improbable. You went from a zero percent chance of success to some percent chance of success. Isn't that worth pursuing?" Edd asked.
Marie sighed. "I hate to say it, but you're right. Fine. It 'is' possible, but I'm strapped for cash and don't know what I'm doing."
"Marie, did you know that community colleges waive their application fees for anyone who demonstrates an inability to pay, so long as they graduate from a public high school in that county?"
Marie blinked, "No. I had no idea. How did you know?" Marie asked.
"I was helping Eddy with something similar over the summer. I agreed to help with one of his endeavors on the side if he would spend four hours researching five colleges he would like to attend, set aside money for those applications, and start them. Now, that takes care of the application fee, which I believe you will qualify for. Have you considered entering in the statewide public art expo? The top three candidates in the state will receive a substantial college scholarship to encourage students to study arts and the humanities as a counter to all of the STEM scholarships available across the nation. Sure, it won't cover a full ride to a state school, but it could easily get you through community college."
"Like I'd even win," Marie replied.
"Will you stop defeating yourself!" Edd shouted, "I apologize, that was rude. But, what's the risk and effort? At a minimum, you have dozens of projects lying around, and a few which you sold for a few hundred dollars. What's to stop you from just turning in one you've already finished at a cost of nothing, or putting some effort into a new project for five thousand dollars in tuition?"
Marie blinked, "Five thousand dollars for one of my paintings?"
"It would be a scholarship of course, but what's stopping you?" Edd asked.
"I, I just didn't know about that," Marie replied. "Okay, maybe money could be worked around, but I still have no idea how to apply, and we don't have working internet at home."
Edd thought about that for a moment. "I'll make you a deal. You help me with pullups twice a week, and I'll guide you through four college applications."
Marie blinked twice. "You'd be willing to do that with me?"
"Why not?" Edd replied. "I need to get better at pullups, something you're skilled at, and you need to work on college apps, something I can assist with. We can work at Antonucci's on my laptop with free wifi, and find a tree branch somewhere to work out at afterwards. So, Marie, what's stopping you?"
"That's a good question," Marie thought to herself. "I guess, I've never had anyone believe in me, so I figured, why believe in myself, if everyone else gave up on me?" Marie replied.
"Well, I believe in you today. So, what is it going to be Marie?" Edd asked.
Marie paused, bit her lip, and took the plunge. "Okay, I'll give it a shot. I'm not expecting much, but I'll give it a shot. What's next?"
"Well, to be honest, my phone has been vibrating constantly for the last fifteen minutes, so I can only assume that my mother is worried about where I am without even looking at it. Antonucci's this weekend in the morning, right when they open," Edd offered, as he got up and brushed the dirt off his clothes.
"I guess I'll see you then," Marie replied as she also stood up. She leaned into Edd and gave him a tight embrace, "Thank you," she told him.
"Any time Marie. Any time, and every time," Edd replied, as the teens walked out of the woods.