Wednesday, February 2, 1977
"I stopped by the library and got the books we need for the Charms essay," Sirius announced, dropping an armful of books onto the floor by his usual chair. "I know, I know, I'm the most thoughtful and helpful bloke ever, and you want to thank me by shagging me senseless." He grinned at Mary, then frowned when he noticed her grim expression.
"What's wrong?" he asked, his face creased with concern. He expected her to brush aside his question, but instead her eyes filled with tears and she leaned her head back against the back of the chair, looking utterly forlorn.
"What's wrong?" she repeated. "Fucking everything." She rubbed her eyes angrily, attempting to wipe away the tears, but more took their place, spilling out and rolling down her cheeks, and she eventually gave up and simply let them fall.
"Shit, Macdonald," Sirius said, unsure how to handle this unexpected outpouring of emotion. Mary almost never cried; it was one of the reasons Sirius found it easy to spend so much time with her. "I don't suppose you want to talk about it?"
She shook her head wordlessly, her hair tumbling forward to obscure her tearstained face.
"Then how about we go to the prefect's bathroom to take a bubble bath and get inappropriately drunk?" he suggested, grinning and extending a hand to help her up. "Come on, it'll help."
She hesitated for a moment, then grasped his hand and allowed him to help her to her feet. "Yeah, all right," she agreed, smiling gratefully and wiping her eyes. "I must look a mess. Sorry to be so dramatic."
Sirius chuckled. "Have you met me? I've been called the world's biggest drama queen, plus I had to deal with James moping around for ages when Gryffindor didn't win the Quidditch Cup and then when Evans had a boyfriend, so I think I can handle you crying over a situation that I assume warrants a bit of dramatic behavior." He brushed a lock of hair out of her face gently. "Now let's go use the prefect's bathroom for purposes completely at odds with everything prefects stand for. Hang on while I run up to the dormitory and grab the firewhisky."
They barely spoke on the walk to the prefect's bathroom. Mary had stopped crying, but her expression remained despondent. Every so often Sirius glanced at her anxiously, looking away quickly before she noticed him watching her. When they finally reached the prefect's bathroom, he gave the password then ushered her in with a dramatic flourish of his arms.
"After you," he said, and she stepped through, a faint smile brightening her downcast face. He followed her, eager to see how she reacted to seeing this rather impressive room for the first time.
"Wow," she whispered, taking in the gleaming white marble that covered every surface, the chandelier that filled the room with the soft glow of candlelight, and the enormous sunken bathtub. "I kind of thought you were exaggerating about this place, but it's brilliant! It almost makes me wish I'd been a prefect." She strode across the room and bent to examine the many taps set with brightly-colored jewels.
"Not me. I'd rather occasionally snog a prefect and reap the benefits of using this bathroom without having to deal with the hassle and responsibility that being a prefect entails," Sirius said, smiling roguishly.
"I take it you're not talking about Remus," Mary said, raising her eyebrows. "He's lovely and all, but somehow I don't see him as your type."
"Don't be so sure, Macdonald. For all you know, I could be extremely turned on by old jumpers and compulsive chocolate eating," Sirius replied, selecting two fluffy white towels from a pile in the corner before joining Mary.
Mary laughed, then persisted, "It's that Hufflepuff in seventh year, isn't it? Katie?" She experimented with one of the tap handles and sent a jet of blue bubble bath spurting into the tub. Evidently pleased with the result, she tried another tap and added a layer of pink rose-scented bubbles.
"Fun fact: I lost my virginity to her," Sirius offered cheerfully, slipping off his shoes. "I even sort of dated her for a bit, but it ended badly, if you can believe that."
"Ooh, I think I remember hearing about that," Mary said, trying a third tap that gushed huge bubbles the size of footballs.
"Good choice, Macdonald," Sirius said, nodding at the bathtub. "You can float on top of those if you add enough." He laid his foot experimentally on one of the bubbles; it did not pop, but merely flattened under his weight. "Anyway, I told her I'd rather spend time with my mates than sit holding hands with her for hours, and she didn't seem to appreciate that, so that was that. I haven't talked to her in ages." He pulled the firewhisky from his pocket and set it on the edge of the tub before removing his clothing and tossing them aside, then slid into the bathtub, sinking in until he was completely submerged up to his neck.
"You can't just say that sort of thing to girls, it upsets them," Mary said, shaking her head in amused exasperation as she undressed and set her clothes in a pile beside Sirius's.
"I suppose that's why relationships aren't for me," Sirius said indifferently. "Come on in, it's quite nice."
Mary dipped a toe in the water, then slowly lowered herself into the tub, gasping as the heat of the bubbly water enveloped her body.
"Well, if it's not Katie who brings you in here, it's got to be Stacy," she said, referring to the Ravenclaw prefect in their year. "I've seen her giving you the look."
"And what look would that be?" Sirius asked, handing Mary the firewhisky.
She accepted the firewhisky and took a large sip before handing it back. "Oh, you know the look I mean," she said, smirking. "The 'I think you're sexy and I want to rip your clothes off and shag you' look."
"Is that the look you're giving me right now?" Sirius asked, taking a sip from the bottle and passing it back to Mary.
"Technically no, because your clothes are already off," Mary pointed out, taking an even bigger gulp of firewhisky and grimacing as it burned her throat.
"Fair point," Sirius conceded. "You're right, by the way, it is Stacy, but keep that quiet because I told her I wouldn't come here without her." He held his breath and let himself sink under the water, then came back up a few seconds later with his long hair dripping and coated in bubbles. "Although as a Ravenclaw, she really should be smart enough to figure out that I'm not actually going to keep that promise."
"I won't say anything," Mary said, sipping from the bottle and passing it to Sirius, then tilting her head backward so that her long dark curls fanned out in the water. "She's quite good looking, and like you said, she's smart, probably top of our year besides you, James, and Lily. And if she's willing to bring you here, then she must be open to rule breaking and fun."
"What's your point?" Sirius asked, taking a sip from the bottle and raising his eyebrows at her.
"I dunno, she just sounds like girlfriend material," Mary said casually, attempting to float on her back.
"I think we need to add more bubbles," Sirius said, paddling over to the tap and turning it on. "Are you jealous, Macdonald?"
She straightened and leaned against the side of the tub. "No, I'm just genuinely curious," she insisted.
"Well, I'm not looking for a girlfriend, so it's a moot point, but even if I was, Stacy's not what I'm looking for," he replied, spreading out his arms and legs and testing the bubbles to see if they would hold his weight. He did not sink through them into the steaming water, but merely rested against the thick bubbles, letting himself drift slowly across the surface of the tub.
"And what would you look for, if you were to look for a girlfriend?" Mary asked, following Sirius's lead and lowering herself gently onto the thick layer of bubbles on top of the water. "James, but in female form?"
"Probably," Sirius agreed, laughing. He pushed off from the side of the tub and maneuvered himself so that he and Mary floated next to each other. "Do you feel better yet?"
"I do, actually," she admitted, letting her eyes drift shut. The scent of the bubble bath and the heat of the water made her feel drowsy and peaceful, and the stress of the day seemed distant and removed.
"Good," Sirius said, reaching out for the bottle that rested on the side of the tub. "Now, I think we should shag, if you're up for it, because we're already naked and it seems a wasted opportunity if we don't."
Afterwards Sirius pulled himself up onto the edge of the tub and sighed in contentment. "Let's have a go at the diving board." He took a long pull from the firewhisky. "I don't mean to brag, but I can do a pretty impressive flip."
"Of course you can," Mary said, hoisting herself up to sit next to Sirius. "You're the biggest show off I've ever met."
"How dare you!" Sirius exclaimed in mock outrage. "James is the biggest show off. I'm just a close second." He stood and padded across the room to the diving board. "Prepare to be amazed, Macdonald," he said before climbing the ladder, bouncing several times, then jumping into the air and executing a neat flip before diving gracefully into the water. He emerged several feet from Mary, shaking his head vigorously and splattering her with water.
"Ugh, stop that," she protested, wiping water from her eyes. "That was rather impressive, though."
"Let's see what you've got," Sirius urged. "I bet you can do a brilliant cannonball."
"As a matter of fact, I can." She climbed out of the tub and stepped onto the diving board, then bounced once and launched herself into the air, curling into a ball and landing in the tub with a splash.
"Not bad, not bad," Sirius said, nodding in approval. "But I think you can make a bigger splash. See if you can get the water to reach that mermaid painting." He gestured at the painting that hung above the tub. "She hates it when you splash her, which makes no sense to me, because mermaids live in the bloody water." He rolled his eyes, then exited the tub to demonstrate the proper cannonball technique.
After many cannonball attempts that left their clothing and towels thoroughly soaked, they had succeeded in splashing the mermaid painting as well as extinguishing some of the candles in the chandelier. Satisfied with their efforts, they sprawled out on their drenched towels and continued to drink.
"How do you manage to fit a full-sized firewhisky bottle in your pocket?" Mary asked, taking a long swallow.
"Undetectable Extension Charm," Sirius replied, taking another sip. "I can fit all sorts of useful stuff in this particular pocket."
"You can do an Undetectable Extension Charm?" Mary said skeptically, taking another sip. She partially missed her mouth, so a few drops of firewhisky dripped onto her chin and mingled with the remnants of bubble bath. She giggled and wiped away the spill, then handed Sirius the bottle. "Flitwick hasn't taught us that."
"I figured it out on my own," Sirius replied, watching her with an amused expression on his face. "It's dead useful, and it's really not that hard once you understand the theory. I think technically it's illegal, but I don't much care." He took a sip from the flask, then grinned at her. "You're drunk,"' he observed.
"Am not," she protested, trying to roll onto her side to face him, but only managing to wriggle around unsuccessfully.
"You're right," Sirius said sarcastically. "You are completely…" He paused for a second as if trying to think of the correct word. "Completely… fuck, what was I trying to say?"
"You're just as drunk as I am," Mary said, poking his shoulder to emphasize her point.
"Well, we set out to get inappropriately drunk, so I'd say we achieved our goal," Sirius reasoned.
"How drunk is inappropriately drunk?" Math mused. She had finally managed to roll over, and was running her hands absently through Sirius's wet hair.
"It depends on the situation," Sirius replied. "For today, I suppose we'd be considered inappropriately drunk if we're too drunk to go to dinner without causing a scene."
"Shit, it's probably time for dinner," Mary said, glancing around for a clock. "Do you have a watch?"
"It's in my pocket," Sirius replied, gesturing vaguely at his pile of clothes. "What are you doing to my hair, by the way?"
"Oh," Mary said, looking down and realizing with surprise that she had drawn Sirius's hair into an untidy French braid. "I've braided it. I think it suits you." She pulled a hair tie from her wrist and wrapped it around the edge of the braid to secure it.
Sirius felt his hair experimentally and grinned. "Brilliant." He got unsteadily to his feet, then promptly slipped on the wet towel and almost ended up on the floor again. Both he and Mary laughed hysterically as he stumbled across the room to retrieve his watch.
"Fuck, I hope it still works," Sirius said, holding up his sodden trousers and rummaging in the pocket. When he finally located his watch, he peered at it, his eyes unfocused, then looked up again. "It's all right, still works," he reported. "But we'd better hurry, we've been in here for ages." He picked up Mary's clothes and tossed them to her. They landed next to her with an unpromising squelching sound.
"Well, that's no good," Mary commented, pulling her wand from her sodden pocket and attempting a spell to dry her clothes. "I don't think that was very effective." She held up her trousers, which did not look remotely dry, and smiled in bemusement.
"You aren't one of those people who can do magic drunk, are you?" Sirius observed.
"It appears that I am not," she agreed. "Are you?"
Sirius laughed. "Fuck no. Peter's the best out of all of us. Don't ask me how, when he can barely do magic sober." He laughed again, then hesitated. "That was rather mean, wasn't it?"
"A bit," Mary said, shrugging. "But I won't tell him you said that."
"Oh, it wouldn't matter if you did. I make comments like that all the time," Sirius replied. "He's used to it by now. Once in a while I feel guilty about it, but only when I'm drunk. And it has to be the right sort of drunk."
"And today you are exactly that sort of drunk?" Mary asked.
Sirius shrugged. "Apparently. He's all right, really, just a bit, I dunno, enthusiastic, know what I mean?"
Mary thought for a moment. "You mean how he's always cheering you and James on whenever you're showing off?"
"Exactly!" Sirius exclaimed, nearly dropping his watch but saving it at the last second. "I mean, yeah, we do some pretty impressive things, but Merlin, once in a while I wish he'd just say, I dunno, 'Prongs, put away that Snitch, you're being a tosser,' or 'Padfoot, put your shirt on, you're being a tosser,' Or 'Moony…'" He frowned thoughtfully. "Well, Moony's almost never a tosser, but maybe something like 'Moony, your grandfather owled, he wants his cardigan back.'"
Mary chuckled. "Well, I think it's sweet how he's always so supportive."
"I suppose," Sirius conceded. "And he's bloody loyal. Always takes our side, even if we're dead wrong, which is rare, I know, but it does happen. So overall you couldn't ask for a better mate, really." He glanced sideways at her. "But don't ever tell him I said that."
"No, of course not," she said, rolling her eyes. "Imagine telling your friend how much you appreciate him - what would people think!"
"Exactly," he said, nodding seriously. "I have a reputation to maintain."
He pulled his wand from his pocket, pointed it at his clothes, and muttered an incantation, but it was not the least bit effective; if anything, the clothes looked even wetter.
"I guess we're wearing wet clothes, then," he said resignedly, beginning to dress with difficulty.
"Guess so," Mary said, looking down at her wet pile of clothes without enthusiasm.
"You know what's even more unfortunate?" Sirius said, finally managing to pull his trousers on and wrestling something damp and squashed out of a pocket. "We don't have any dry cigarettes."
"Oh, bloody hell, that is unfortunate. I could really go for a cigarette right now," Mary said, trying to force her shoe onto her foot and almost toppling over before Sirius put out a hand to steady her. "Do we have time to go back to the common room to change into dry clothes?"
Sirius looked at his watch again. "Nah, I don't think so. They've probably gone down to dinner without us. Come on, we'd better hurry." He held out a hand to her, and she took it and allowed him to lead her out of the steamy warmth of the room.
"Isn't this a violation of our agreement?" she asked, gesturing down at their hands clasped together.
"Absolutely not," Sirius said, shaking his head more enthusiastically than was necessary and causing his short braid to slap against his head. "This is a matter of safety, in case one of us loses our balance."
This proved to be a prudent decision, as they almost fell down no fewer than four times, including one very close call on a trick step and a near mishap involving a suit of armor. When they finally arrived in the Great Hall, they each had their arms draped around each other and were howling with laughter. Nearing the Gryffindor table, they both fixed each other with stern glares.
"Keep it together, Macdonald," Sirius mouthed.
"You keep it together, Black," she hissed back, and they managed to remain straight faced for exactly five seconds before dissolving once again into uncontrollable laughter.
"Where have you two been?" James asked, looking from Sirius to Mary, perplexed. "Why are you all wet, and what's so funny?" He peered closer at Sirius and let out a burst of laughter. "Are you drunk?"
Sirius shook his head primly and attempted to take his usual seat at the table, but his foot caught on the table leg and he stumbled forward, knocking Peter's fork, knife, and half his dinner into the floor. Mary bent to retrieve the dropped items, but could not right herself and ended up sitting on the floor, giggling helplessly. Peter stared open mouthed, and James laughed even harder, but Remus glanced anxiously up at the staff table and stood up.
"For fuck's sake, Padfoot," he muttered in exasperation, helping his friend into a seat before turning back to assist Mary.
"Thanks," Mary said, taking a seat next to Sirius with exaggerated care. "Where's Lily?"
"She went looking for you in the library," Remus explained, steadying his goblet of pumpkin juice that Sirius had almost knocked over while reaching for a plate of rolls.
"Oh, there she is," Mary said brightly, noticing Lily hurrying toward the table. "Hi, Lil!" she called loudly, waving.
"Hi," Lily said, eying her strangely. "What happened to you two?"
"We've just had the best afternoon," Mary replied, heaping mashed potatoes onto her plate.
"The absolute best," Sirius agreed. "Look, Macdonald braided my hair. How does it look?"
"I like it," Peter said at once.
"You look ridiculous," Lily said, chuckling. "But why are you both so wet?"
"We had a cannonball contest," Sirius explained. "We actually put some of the candles in the chandelier out. Have you ever done that, Prongs?"
"No, I haven't," James said, sounding impressed. "Well done."
"A cannonball contest?" Lily repeated. "What - you mean, in the prefect's bathroom?"
"Yes, and I can't believe you never gave me the password to get in there," Mary said, pointing her forkful of mashed potatoes at Lily accusingly. "That was the best bath I have ever had." She thrust her arm under Lily's nose. "That bubble bath smells amazing, doesn't it?"
"I think it smells better on me, doesn't it, Evans?" Sirius said, shoving his arm in Lily's face.
Lily batted their arms away, eyes wide. She lowered her voice and said, "I can't smell anything besides the firewhisky fumes coming off of you two. Bloody hell."
"Would you say we're inappropriately drunk?" Mary asked, not bothering to keep her voice down.
"Shh, Mary, quit shouting! McGonagall is looking over," Lily hissed, jerking her head in the direction of the staff table.
"Is she?" Sirius said, craning his head to look. "Hi, Minnie!" he called, waving at McGonagall. "Brilliant class the other day!"
"How drunk are you, Padfoot?" James asked incredulously, barely able to finish his dinner because he was laughing so hard.
"Drunk enough," Sirius said, shrugging and taking a large bite of his dinner. "Now I have a question. Why is there no bacon?"
"Because it's not breakfast," James explained patiently before looking at Remus, Peter, and Lily. "Are you lot going to be able to keep this situation under control when I leave for Quidditch practice?"
"No, don't go, Prongs," Sirius urged. "Stay and help me find some bacon. Or, wait!" He held up his hand as if he had just thought of something genius. "You can watch Wormtail beat me at chess. Would you like to play chess, Wormtail?" He grinned. "I'm feeling generous, so I don't mind losing. Although, look out, because maybe intoxication improves my chess-playing abilities." He tapped the side of his head thoughtfully.
"We can play," Peter said, chuckling. "But if you can't beat me sober, I don't see how you'd be able to do it drunk."
"So you're staying to watch?" Sirius asked James eagerly.
"No can do," James said, finishing his pumpkin juice and standing to leave. "Good luck with chess, but honestly I'd say you have a better chance of writing the Charms essay than beating Wormtail when you're this drunk."
"Well, then, can I come watch practice?" Sirius persisted, taking a biscuit from a platter and eating the entire thing in one bite.
"That depends," James said, grinning. "Can you promise you won't be a distraction?"
Sirius thought for a moment, then shook his head, his mouth still crammed full of biscuit.
"Then you'll have to settle for playing chess with Wormtail," James replied, turning to leave. "Have fun!" he said over his shoulder, waving.
"We can do Charms if you'd rather," Peter said, taking his last bite of food and putting his fork down. "If you don't want to play chess, that is. I could use some help writing that essay, to be honest."
Sirius laughed and looked at Peter with a slightly unfocused gaze. "You want me to help you with homework when I'm drunk off my arse?" He tilted his head to the side and glanced at Mary. "You hear that, Macdonald?" He turned back to Peter. "You," he said, pointing a finger vaguely in Peter's direction, "have far too much faith in my ability to write essays under the influence." He took another biscuit and ate half of it, chewing for a few seconds before continuing, "Have Moony help you." He raised his eyebrows at Remus. "You are much better at Charms than you give yourself credit for." He frowned. "Actually, you're much better at most things than you give yourself credit for. Except-" he held up a hand and pointed at Remus's jumper, "wearing clothes that don't make you look 80 years old."
Remus smiled and shook his head in exasperation. "Well, thanks, Padfoot, and also sod off for the jumper comment." His face fell slightly as he turned to Peter. "I'd help you, Wormtail, but there is a 99% chance I'm going to be fast asleep in about a half hour." He stifled a yawn, then rubbed his eyes, ringed by dark circles that stood out against his pale face.
"Oh, shit, you're right," Sirius said, shaking his head as if he should have known this all along. "Evans? Can you help our dear friend Peter Penelope Pettigrew?"
Lily giggled, then hastily pressed a hand to her mouth. "Sorry, I just-" she continued to laugh despite her efforts to suppress her mirth. "Is that your real middle name?"
Peter blushed slightly and shook his head. "Sirius and James just sort of came up with it, the same way they decided your middle name is Agatha."
"We all have them," Remus added. "Mine is Mortimer."
"What's mine?" Mary asked eagerly.
"Veraminta," Sirius said promptly. "And James's is Edward, mine is Michael."
"But why are yours so normal?" Mary demanded. "That's not fair, when I'm stuck with Veraminta, which sounds like someone's fat old auntie, by the way, and you've given Peter a girl's name."
"Well, James and I both have real middle names that are so ridiculous that we figured our made up ones should be more boring," Sirius explained.
"What's James's real middle name?" Lily asked curiously.
"Nice try, Evans, but that is classified information," Sirius replied, slurring the word 'classified' but nevertheless maintaining a dignified expression. "Oh well, I'm sure I can get him to tell me," Lily said with a shrug. "Anyway, I can't help with the Charms homework because I've got to cover someone's prefect duty tonight."
"Ooh, can we come?" Mary asked excitedly. "We can help you. Black knows all the snogging spots, the ones the prefects don't check."
"Yes, that's a great idea, I'll bring my two drunk friends to patrol the corridors with me," Lily said sarcastically.
"Evans!" Sirius exclaimed loudly, pointing a finger at her. "You just said I'm your friend."
"I suppose I did," Lily conceded with a small smile. "Well, don't let it go to your head, Black." She glanced down at her watch, then stood. "I'd better go. Do you think you'll be all right getting back to the common room?" She eyed Sirius and Mary dubiously.
"Don't worry about us," Mary assured her. "We'll be fine." She tried to exit her seat, but after several unsuccessful attempts, she thought better of it and instead slid forward under the table, jostling Peter's feet in the process, then crawled out from underneath the bench and got unsteadily to her feet. "See?"
Lily shook her head, unsure whether to laugh or frown disapprovingly, and settled for a sort of half-smile.
"Good luck," she said, raising her eyebrows at Remus and Peter. "Behave, you two," she said to Sirius and Mary, before turning and heading off to patrol the corridors.
"Right, we'd better get going, too," Sirius said, imitating Mary's unconventional method of leaving the table, and somehow managing to do it gracefully. He offered his hand to Mary. "Should we hold hands again for safety, d'you think?"
"I think we'd better," Mary agreed, grasping his hand and setting off in the direction of the Gryffindor common room. Peter and Remus glanced at each other apprehensively, then left the table and hurried after their intoxicated friends.
The four of them made it back without incident, although they did waste several minutes trying to convince the Fat Lady to let them in after Sirius and Mary respectively shouted "Your mother's hairy arse!" and "Dumbledore's wrinkled knob!" when asked for the password. Remus finally succeeded in placating her, and she admitted them reluctantly after Peter gave the correct password. Sirius and Mary stumbled into the common room, howling with laughter and barely holding each other up.
"Wait, hang on," Sirius said, pulling the firewhisky from his pocket. "I think we need another sip."
"You do not," Remus said at once, making a grab for the firewhisky, but Sirius already had the bottle pressed to his lips.
"Knock it off, Moony, we're thirsty," Sirius said, waving Remus's hand away and passing the bottle to Mary, who hastily took a sip and slid it back into Sirius's pocket.
"Right, let's get to work," Sirius said, striding purposefully across the room and plopping down in his usual armchair, and after a moment's hesitation, everyone else followed suit.
"Padfoot, we don't actually have to do the Charms," Peter said, pulling his textbook from his bag and eying Sirius doubtfully. "I can ask Prongs for help when he gets back from practice."
"Nah, he'll be ages," Sirius argued, casting about for his bag that he had unceremoniously deposited on the floor after class.
"Well, then maybe Moony," Peter began, but stopped when he realized that Remus had already fallen asleep with his head resting on the arm of his chair.
"That's gotta be a record," Sirius said. "Anyway, it's all right, I'm committed to this now." He pulled his materials from his bag and flourished his quill dramatically. "I am going to write this Charms essay, and I am going to do it while intoxicated." He paged through his textbook for a few seconds, then laughed. "Hang on, what the fuck are we actually supposed to be writing about?"
"Bubble-Head Charms," Peter supplied helpfully. "It starts on page 85."
"Right," Sirius said, giving him a thumbs up. "Macdonald, are you ready?"
Mary, who had been tickling his arm with her quill, giggled and nodded.
"Okay, copy this down, people. This is going to be Outstanding-level work," Sirius said, dipping his quill into the ink and spattering some into the floor. He glanced down, rubbed it in with his foot, then cleared his throat theatrically and began to dictate.
Thursday, February 3, 1977
"Wake up, Padfoot!"
Sirius opened his eyes blearily, struggling to form coherent thoughts from the confused fog that filled his brain. His eyes traveled around the room, taking in not the hangings around his four poster bed, but the crackling fire and squashy armchairs of the common room. He pressed a hand to his forehead, hoping he could somehow banish his pounding headache through sheer force of will.
"Prongs?" Sirius asked. He tried to move but immediately regretted it; it felt like the entire lower half of his body was asleep. He moved his arm experimentally and felt his fingers brush a mass of curly hair.
"Macdonald?" He lifted his head a few inches and saw her sprawled sideways across his chair, her legs bent at an uncomfortable-looking angle and her shoes still on her feet. "Why the fuck are you on top of me?"
"Funny, you usually like when I'm on top," Mary said, climbing off the chair awkwardly and stretching her cramped limbs.
"It's too early for sexual innuendos, Macdonald," Sirius complained, trying to stand but collapsing immediately back into the chair, his legs filled with pins and needles after sleeping in such a strange position with Mary on top of him. "What time is it, actually?"
"Time for breakfast," James replied, watching the two of them struggling with a mixture of sympathy and amusement. "You'd better hurry if you don't want to be late."
"Fuck," Sirius muttered. "Did we end up finishing the Charms homework?"
James laughed. "Oh, you finished it," he said, picking up a scroll of parchment that had been discarded next to the chair. "You may want to do a bit of editing before you turn it in, though." He unrolled the scroll and began to read. "This is an essay about the Bubble-Head Charm. I could spend an entire paragraph going on about what I plan to talk about in the rest of the essay, but I'm going to skip that and jump right into writing the actual essay, because life is short, and so are you, Professor."
"Merlin, I don't mince words when I'm drunk, do I?" Sirius asked, unable to suppress his laughter even though it made his headache worse.
"Hang on, I haven't even gotten to the best part yet," James said, before returning to the parchment and beginning to read out another section. "To perform the charm, it's imperative to employ completely over-the-top wrist movement. If you're not flourishing your wand like a bloody idiot, you're doing it wrong. Then, once you've sufficiently flourished and said the incantation, you should end up with a bubble around your head. This will make you look like a fucking tosser, but will allow you to breathe underwater, so I guess you'll have to weigh the pros and cons." James paused to get his laughter under control.
"I mean, am I wrong?" Sirius asked.
"You're not wrong," James said fairly, then read out another section. "To perform the countercharm, you just repeat the ridiculous wand-flourishing and say a different incantation. If all goes according to plan, the bubble around your head should disappear, and you'll stop looking like a stupid arsehole. Obviously, you'll want to wait to perform the countercharm until your head is above the water, otherwise you'll drown. Then again, if you're not smart enough to figure that out on your own, you're a bloody moron and drowning would serve you right." James stopped reading and looked up from the parchment. "That's a bit harsh, Padfoot, don't you think?" he asked, grinning.
"Just being honest, mate," Sirius said, grinning back.
"And listen to this last bit," James continued. "After reading this shitshow of an essay, anyone should be able to successfully perform the Bubble-Head Charm and countercharm, even if you're as drunk as I am at the moment. If you can't, then you might be a troll, because this Charm isn't actually difficult at all. In fact, it's so easy that Peter mastered it after only five minutes. So, that about does it, now go ahead and mark this an 'O,' so you can go read the latest issue of Witch Weekly."
"Bloody hell, Black," Mary said, wiping away tears of mirth. "I'm afraid to even look at my essay. I barely remember writing any of it."
"That's because you didn't," James replied, picking up a second roll of parchment that rested near the chair. "You have two sentences of an introduction, then you wrote 'Sirius Black is a tosser' about twenty times, and at the bottom you drew a picture." He held up the parchment and pointed to an illustration of Sirius, clad in a Chudley Cannons jersey and sporting a large bubble around his head. A tiny speech bubble next to his face proclaimed "I'm a tosser!" in her loopy handwriting.
"That's very witty and clever," Sirius said sarcastically, pointing to the redundant cartoon. "Although well done on the Cannons jersey."
"Yeah, well, I'm not as witty or as clever as you are when I'm drunk," Mary retorted. "Or even when I'm sober, for that matter." She put her head in her hands and sighed. "I suppose I'll have to redo this at lunch."
"Me too," Sirius agreed, finally heaving himself to his feet. "Although I'm rather tempted to just turn it in as is and see if Flitwick finds it amusing."
"Please do, I'll probably need a laugh by then," Mary urged. "If I even make it through the day." She grimaced. "I can't remember the last time I was this hungover."
"Whose idea was it to get that drunk on a bloody Wednesday?" Sirius demanded.
"I dunno, but whoever it was, he's a real tosser," Mary said, smirking. "I'm going to go change, but I'll see you later, yeah?"
"See you later," Sirius echoed, waving weakly at Mary as she headed for the dormitory stairs. "You know, Prongs, I think I'm just going to skip class today. It'll be worth the detention, honestly, because if I do anything more strenuous than climb the stairs to get to my bed, I think I may die."
"Oh, shut up, drama queen," James chided him. "If Moony can make it to class today, so can you." He clapped him on the back bracingly. "Now let's go. Moony and Wormtail are already down at breakfast, and you have to hear the essay you three were 'helpful' enough to write for Moony. Every paragraph has at least two sexual innuendos." He set off for the Great Hall, and afternoon heaving a deep sigh, Sirius followed, silently cursing his existence.