CHAPTER EIGHT
Euphoria captivated my entire body as I left the room. To my displeasure, we had to depart our small little bubble and get back into the general public. We made plans to see each other later this evening, if possible. I couldn't wait until it reached the after-hours so we could meet up. Everything felt grandiose, as if life went from black and white to now HD color. I felt myself hum with excitement as I didn't even notice that I had just bumped into an irritated Alice. Her annoyance was shown heavily on her face as she soon pulled me into our room. I didn't want to let Alice's anger ruin my high. I walked over to my bed and sat down, pressing my back against the wall and grabbing onto my pillow. The kiss from earlier was on instant replayed as if it was on a loop. I watched as Alice began to pace back and forth in the middle of the room. I could see her mouth move, but I ignored the words coming out. She threw up her hands in frustration.
"What are you thinking?!" Her tone was harsh and loud. I tried my best to ignore her attitude since I knew where she was coming from was out of love. Her fingers snapped in front of my face, which brought me back to this reality. "Hello, are you even listening to me!" She huffed out loud.
I threw up my hands and let them fall down to my legs, "You need to calm down, Alice. You're making a big deal out of nothing." Though I knew it wasn't nothing. I just needed to figure out a way to make this all work. I know Alice would be against it because she disliked Edward and her protectiveness of me. Despite all of that, I needed her to be just okay with me doing this for myself. Plus, I needed her guidance through all of this since I had no clue what to do or how to do anything of that nature.
Alice's eyes pierced into mine. "What's happened to you? After your latest attack, you're like this whole new person." I shook my head, no. "YES!" She threw up her hands again in the most dramatic fashion. "Look at you. You have marks all over the side of your neck." She pointed out.
My hand moved quickly to my neck that was still raw. "It was just a little kiss." Alice raised her eyebrows. "Okay, so it was more." I watched as Alice was just about to explode, but I stopped her, "Nothing happened." I huffed. "Look, I know what I'm doing. I've never experienced this before, and I know it's only going to last until he leaves." I tried to reason with her.
I hope not. I thought. On the one hand, I know that this was just a series of moments that would have an expiration date, despite all the realistic thoughts that ran rapidly. There was always that small one that lingered all the way in the back. The one that said that this could work, that this could be real. I held onto this concept just because I didn't have anything else to lose. "I just want to act my age, you know." My voice trembled towards the end.
Alice saw the determination in my eyes. Her anger soon dissolved, and she sat down at the edge of my bed. "Bella, you are taking these massive steps, and I'm not sure if you are emotionally able to handle them." She said quietly. I could see the frightened exterior behind her eyes. She was scared for me and what I was doing to myself, and I could agree with her that this seemed a bit rushed, but I had to listen to my gut. I had to test things and to try and make this possible.
I absorbed her words in, but it was my turn to talk and let her know my true intentions. "I can't keep doing what I'm doing." I looked down at my wrist. "My life is literally like groundhogs day. I do the same thing over and over again." I paused to take a deep breath, "You're getting your life together, and soon you'll be free and out of here." I could feel my eyes become heavy with tears. "And once you're gone, I'll be alone." Alice began to say something, but I'd stopped her. "And that's fine. I want… No, I need you to live outside of here for me. But right now, I want to act selfishly for once. I want to live a life where I experience heartache." I know that this sounded stupid, but this was what I felt and what I needed at the moment, "No one here is going to touch me because of my past and personalities, but he's willing to." I pointed out. "He looked beyond all my baggage and just saw me." I finished.
Alice wiped a tear from her eye and leaned in, "I'm scared that you'll kill yourself…When we both leave." Her tone was barely above a whisper. Alice looked so small, and for once, I saw her without all the confidence, the one with doubt. I needed to ease her down from this. I couldn't ask for her to take this on herself.
I tried to give her a warm smile. I leaned in to wipe the other tears cascading down Alice's face. I needed her to understand that whatever I did to myself was in no shape or form a response that she needed to take on. She needed to take care of herself first and make sure that her treatment was set before adding this additional burden. Alice needed to be free from this place because she wasn't meant to spend the rest of her life here… Like me. "Whatever happens to me is no one's fault but mine. You can't keep me from doing this or moving on for yourself. I don't want to be your burden or anyone's burden." I stated.
"But you're not!" She shouted at me. Alice leaned in close, her eyes searched desperately for mines. She didn't see what I saw. Alice did not know the amount of stress I had added to her. She shouldn't be here worrying about me this much, to be in all this pain because of everything I had done. The realization came at me harder than I would have thought. I needed Alice to let me go. I had to make her see the light and to prep myself for her pending departure.
I rubbed my face, "I am." I took a deep breath to brace myself for what was about to come. "You have to let me go." I forced a smile on my face, "You have to move on from here. I know, you're lying about your progress." I finally let the words come out. I could see anger, desperation, fear, annoyance at anything and everything that crossed over her face. I watched as Alice trembled by our conversation, and I felt the air become thick with the topic on hand.
Over the past couple of months, I had noticed a change in Alice. It wasn't negative but more of a definite turning point in her life. She finally was seeing herself, like we all did. Of course, she would never be one hundred percent better, but she was ready to move on. She needed to leave to finalize her treatment, but I could see her stalling. It was not unheard of here. Some patients get "cold feet" when the idea of being out in the real world comes near. A person can become accustomed to life inside. The daily routine and the support system can give a person a sense of security that can be lost in the real world. Alice was rendered speechless. I rubbed her knees for support, "We both need to jump into our abyss and to let go." My voice was strong and confident.
I watch as Alice ponders everything that I said. She leaned in closer and pulled me into a fierce hug. She rubbed my back, "You don't know anything about his past or what he's done to get here," She whispered into my ear. Her tightness never wavered as we stayed like that for a bit. I think she was mentally preparing herself for the next step. Everything had to change, and as much as I hated to admit, we needed to grow up and become adults.
I pulled back, so we are inches away from each other. "Neither does he." I grabbed her hands into mine, "Just be there for me, and I promise you that I will try everything in my power to be okay." She nodded, and I pulled her into another hug. I pulled away and asked, "So enough with the tears and all this heaviness crap… Let's talk about you in Jasper." I tried to lighten up the mood.
Alice smiled at me but went back to being serious once more. I felt ready to hear another rant but was shocked by what she said next. "Look, you know how I feel about Edward." She paused as I waited for her to continue her bash on him. "But by the way things are looking," She pointed to my marked neck, "We need to have the "talk."" She said in all seriousness. I looked at her with a questionable gaze as she rolled her eyes at my naivety. "This is why we need this talk." She muttered towards herself.
She realigns herself to become more comfortable. "Okay," I said to her as I prepared myself for what was about to come. It's not like I was foolish on this topic, but I found myself still somewhat uncomfortable with this moment. I could tell Alice too was a bit awkward but quickly hid it.
Alice took a deep breath as she prepared herself. "I wished I could redo my first time." She started. "I was about fourteen, and he was this seventeen-year-old model from Australia." She stopped to think about him. "He was one of the most handsome guys I had ever seen, and I fell for him…I mean really hard." Alice emphasized but continued shortly, "Anyways, we got booked for all these series of shoots and attended a lot of the same parties." Alice chuckled at a forgotten memory she relieved. "He told me I was beautiful, and one thing led to another, and things escalated rather quickly. She stopped and shrugged her shoulders. "I slept with him because that is what he wanted, and I wanted to make him happy." Alice stopped.
A lone tear went down Alice's face. I grabbed hold of her hand to try and soothe away her anxiety. "I'm sorry," I said softly to Alice. She took a deep breath and looked back up at me. Her face was a mixture of sadness and content. "Go on," I whispered towards her to continue.
"Basically, the point to all of this was, I was not ready for that step." She stopped and actually looked into my eyes. "I did it because that was something that he wanted and not what I wanted. If I could do it all again, I would. I regret giving him a piece of me, and that is what I wanted to say to you." She stopped and brought my head up so I could stare into her eyes. "You are more than a friend, but a sister, and I don't want you to experience what I had been through." She smiled. "You deserve happiness more than anyone I know. So if Edward is worthy, then fine, do it, but please be safe." She stopped herself but still continued forward, "But for the love of god, do it because you want to and not because he's horny and just wants to stick it in." Alice finished.
We both chuckled at her last delicate phrasing. I never knew this about her past and felt we got one step closer in our friendship. What she said was something I needed to hear, as well. I had to remember to take things at my pace and not rush into sleeping with Edward too soon. I wanted my first time to be as enjoyable as possible. I soon became tired of all the heaviness in our conversation and decided to turn things a bit lighter. "So, I am noticing things between you and Jasper have gotten kind of interesting." I giggled.
Alice's smile lit up like a hundred light bulbs. Her energy changed, and her charming and bubbly personality took over. She continued to go on about Jasper and how her feelings for him have grown. She goes on to Jasper's past for a bit, but I don't push since that was Jasper's news to tell and not hers. Alice had this glow when she spoke about him, and at first, I thought it was just a phase, but the more I see her talk about Jasper, the more real these emotions have become. I figured it was funny how after years of being here together and nothing happens to either of us… Well, nothing as severe for Alice. Then all of a sudden, everything changed overnight. I never thought we would actually be talking about relationships or possibly the "love" word.
We chatted for a bit more, but then she headed out to meet with her leading therapist. I grabbed my journal to jot down some notes. I began to write after my first attack and soon adopted this approach. I had hoped that the blocked memories would somehow come out and no longer be suppressed. Of course, nothing actually ever came out, but it helped me relive past memories and dissect which ones were real and an illusion. I began to write about Edward and my feelings towards him. I spent well over ten minutes talking about his looks just to remember him at an older age. The sad thing was we never took any photos here, so it was up to our minds to keep those memories. Of course, mine was an endless wasteland of quicksand, so I needed to become more descriptive in my writing. I wanted to describe it in a way that it seemed as though it was a photo, so when I reread my journal later in life, it would be as though I could see him again in my words.
After I finished writing my last notes, I decided to pull out my copy of Tess of the d'Urbervilles. I became so captivated by the author's words that I didn't notice Mr. Brunner walk into my room. The sound of the metal chair moving on the wooden floor broke me out of my world. I looked up and saw Mr. Brunner in my chair. I was confused as to why Mr. Brunner was in my room but decided to close my book and sit on my bed.
The realization of the forgotten session hit me in full force. I slapped my head to my forehead, "I'm so sorry, Mr. Brunner, I completely forgot." I apologized. Mr. Brunner's face was unreadable at first, but he smiled slightly at my apology. I watched as he glanced down at my closed book.
Mr. Brunner leaned forward and tapped on my copy. "I see you are reading the book I've recommended." He pointed out. I looked back down at the worn cover and nodded my head. "How do you like it so far?" He inquired. Mr. Brunner pulled his chair closer to me as I pulled myself higher onto the bed.
I looked over at the book and smiled. "So far, so good. I just got to the part when Tess left her home and family. Her character is kind of interesting but rather a sad one." He nodded his head in agreement. "Why did you pick this book for me?" I asked. My eyes glanced over at the watch and saw that it was getting pretty late. I wondered why Mr. Brunner was still here and not home.
Mr. Brunner studied me and turned his attention towards my journal, which laid neatly on my side table. "I see you are keeping up with your journal entries, as well." I nodded again. "I choose that book because the main character reminds me of you." He leaned back into his chair. "And to see that the mistakes she does affect the way she sees the world." Mr. Brunner became flat towards the end.
I tried to grasp this idea, but I did not see the correlation between myself and Tess, but maybe if I read more chapters, it would come to me. Mr. Brunner and I discussed more of my mental state and how I entered back to the general population. I said the usual and, of course, left out Edward from our conversation. I knew Mr. Brunner and I have a long and trusted relationship, but I wanted to keep what Edward and I have a secret for as long as possible. Plus, he would do everything in his power to break us up since it was against the hospital policy.
Mr. Brunner soon left my room after our discussion. I could tell he was slightly irritated that I kept something from him, but I brushed it off. Alice came in later that day, and we continued our discussion on Jasper. Alice wanted to figure out a way for Jasper to act upon his emotions towards her, but I told her not to push it and that things would happen naturally. I had advised Alice that I was going to sneak out and see Edward later this evening. Of course, she was first against the idea but soon kept quiet, not wanting to have another fight break out between us. She informed me to be careful and not rush into things too quickly, to which I agreed. I could understand her protection towards me, so I must take her overprotective qualities as a positive attribute and not negatively.
Time moved ever so slowly. Dinner finally came, and I was excited to see and speak to Edward. I'm usually not that type of girl that wanted to spend all this time with someone, but something about him made me want to be near him. Of course, he was nowhere to be seen at our dinner service. Usually, I would have asked his roommate, but since he was able to get his own private room, that took that idea out. My stomach wasn't feeling the cuisine, and I just played around with the chicken dinner. I watched as Alice spoke adamantly about her past and her previous visit to Europe. Jasper slyly pointed out to Alice to eat her whole meal. Alice wanted nothing more but to capture Jasper's attention and took a small bite of her dish. I smiled at Jasper and gave her an approval look for her little victory. Usually, it took me a bit more time for Alice to eat something in front of anyone, but Jasper did it with ease.
Soon after dinner was over, we headed to the recreational hall and chilled around the couch. I gave Alice and Jasper some alone time and tried to read some chapters in my book. Of course, it took me multiple attempts to read a page because my mind was somewhere else. Finally, the orderly came in and informed us that it was time for bed. I wanted to squeal with delight, knowing that I would see Edward shortly. I just hoped that we could have complete alone time this evening. After I had pretended to swallow my nightly medication, the next thing I had to do was to wait. Alice quickly went to bed due to the drugs entering her system. She always had a quick reaction to all those medications.
I counted in my bed to pass the time along. Finally, after what felt like forever, it was the time when all the nurses went on break, and the hallways were cleared. Of course, I had to stay hidden as much as possible to avoid the cameras, but luckily the security worker was an oaf that loved to take naps in between his shifts. I pressed myself against the wall and glided down the hallway. The adrenaline coursed through my body as the idea of getting caught coursed through me. As I finally crossed over to the male side, I ran over to Edward's closed door. I lightly tapped on the door but heard nothing on the other side. After a pregnant pause, I turned the handle and pushed my way in. As I entered the room, I could see the room covered in complete darkness. I whispered his name but heard nothing. Slowly I walked my way over to his bedside, and still nothing.
"Edward," I whispered once more. Again, complete silence welcomed me back. As I reached his bed, I felt his linens were still tight and showed no signs of being used. I moved over to his lamp, sitting on top of his stand. I twisted the knob to turn the light on, which filled the empty room.
Where is he…?