A/N This chapter's song title is Demons sung by Imagine Dragons. I picked this song because I felt it was fitting, Anders as well as Elyssa coming to terms and facing their demons. For those of you who haven't played Dragon Age Awakening, I highly recommend it. You won't truly understand Anders and how much Justice changed him in the games until you do. I suppose there should be some warning, as they do talk about the cruel act Justice committed in chapter 12. As always, please read and review; you don't know how much knowing there are people out there who are enjoying my story has helped me stay committed to writing it.
The clock on the wall seemed to tick faster and faster as Elyssa spent some time getting to know the new family she would be going home with soon. Salem, Bull, and Krem spent some time telling her about the house she would be moving to, the rules, and allowances they would have for her. Solas didn't stray far from her side, though Salem kept a watchful eye on him. Elyssa couldn't help but begin to feel as excited as they seemed. They seemed to be happy, supportive, and all-around good family. So why did they want her? She couldn't shake the fear in her chest that she was going to mess up. That she was going to lose all of the happiness that seemed to be in her grasp right now.
Her grim thought process was interrupted by a soft knock at the open door. Elyssa's breath caught in her throat, her heart squeezed and pounded uncomfortably in her chest, the corners of her mouth pulled down in unwanted surprise. The figure shuffled in, his head turned down, hiding his eyes from everyone in the room. Elyssa's heart pounded as she waited for the person she was sure was bound to follow. After all, they were almost always together; but no one followed. "Elyssa?" the timid voice of Anders spoke, "your mother said you were here, that you tried to kill yourself."
"Where's Justice?" Elyssa asked quietly, her voice failing her. She was answered with brown eyes sympathetic and apologizing.
"I'm so sorry," Anders said. He took a step closer to the bed and was immediately cut off by Coach Bull and Krem.
"I don't know what you're apologizing for," the large man said, "but I don't know who you are, and I'm not really interested in letting someone I don't know near someone I've sworn to protect." Elyssa blinked back a few tears that were moved to the surface by the level of devotion the Adaar family was already showing her.
"I apologize, sir," Anders said, his tone respectful, "but I have some information for Elyssa that's very important."
"Then, by all means, share it," Solas ordered, his voice tight, crisp, and untrusting.
Salem rose from her chair beside the head of Elyssa's bed to face Anders. She stared at him for a long, tense moment before setting a hand gently on Coach Bull's arm. "I think this is something Elyssa needs to decide if she wants us to hear or not," she suggested gently. She turned to stare with soft grey eyes at Elyssa. "We'll be just outside in the hall, yell if you need us," she said, turning to usher the three men out of the room.
Before she could get too far, Elyssa grabbed her wrist gently in both of her hands. "Please, stay," Elyssa begged. She stared with wide eyes at the qunari. Salem smiled kindly at her and sat back down. "Solas," Elyssa called hesitantly, "y-you can go if you want." Elyssa cast a fearful glance at the elven man opposite Salem. He looked at her with a worried frown.
"Why would I want to leave you?" he asked.
Elyssa turned her head away in shame. He wouldn't want her anymore if he found out what Justice had done to her. Salem had been there in the clinic with her, she knew already. Solas was a different matter. Elyssa knew she had seen him in the waiting room when she left, but she didn't remember how she got to the clinic in the first place, let alone why Solas had been in the waiting room and what he knew. "You… you probably won't want me anymore if you hear what I think he's here to say," she spoke softly.
"It doesn't matter what he has to say," Solas reassured her, "I don't want you to have to deal with this alone."
"I'm not alone," Elyssa disagreed. She waved her hand in a small arc to the three members of the Adaar family still in the room.
"You are quite right," Solas agreed, "however, it would pain me to think you believed I didn't want you for any reason. So, if it is alright with you, I would like to remain here."
Elyssa offered him a small appreciative smile, "thank you." Solas smiled at her in response. Elyssa felt lighter, calmer, and somehow stronger now that Solas had set her mind at ease. "Okay, Anders, what is it you have to tell me?" Coach Bull stepped aside to let Anders take a few steps closer to Elyssa's bed.
"Elyssa, please know I had no idea that he was going to do that to you," he began. He looked at her with pleading brown eyes, begging her to believe him. Elyssa looked at the boy she had been with almost all of high school. They'd had good times together before everything turned sour. And when had it gotten worse? When she had told him about her grandfather? Or had there been more than just that? Anders had been sweet, charming, and confident when she had met him. When had he changed into the spiteful, bitter coward she had come to know?
"You weren't there to know," Elyssa pointed out, bitterly, "you left me with him."
"You had just told me you cheated on me!" Anders cried in defense, "what was I supposed to do, stick around and wait for you to do it again? Forgive me for wanting to get some distance after my girlfriend admitted to being a slut."
In a whirl of motion, Coach Bull stood toe to toe with Anders at the foot of the bed, Solas right behind him and Krem immediately to his right, both just as tense. Coach Bull stood at his full height, his large body tensed, his shoulders squared and arms crossed as he stared down with hard eyes at Anders. "I would watch the next words that come out of your mouth, boy," he spat, "unless you happen to need a few of your teeth relocated."
Anders's shoulders slouched under the intimidating gaze, but his eyes drifted towards Elyssa. "I'm sorry, that was uncalled for," he apologized. Anders took a deep, audible breath. "Elyssa I know what Justice did to you now, and I'm so sorry. Can you ever forgive me?"
"You really didn't know?" Elyssa whispered.
Anders shook his head, "No, I swear it." Elyssa thought once more of the Anders she knew before Justice. The Anders she had loved. She had loved him in the young clumsy way one loves for the first time. When it's new and exciting and you don't know what it truly means to build together. Anders had changed in the course of their time together, but so had she. They had grown apart but tried staying together because they thought that's what you were supposed to do because they were afraid of finding something new. Things were different now. They were different now, but somewhere in front of her was the same Anders that made her open her heart just a little for the first time, and that was an Anders that deserved to be heard.
"I understand that you're sorry," the soft voice of Salem spoke, "but was there more? You said you had information that was important."
"I do," Anders nodded. He took a deep breath, eyes cast down towards the floor. "After what your mom said on Thanksgiving, I decided to look into what he did that night. He didn't even try to deny it, he wasn't ashamed," Anders scoffed. He looked at Elyssa then, more sympathy in his eyes. "He… he had pictures," he told her. Elyssa choked back a sob. It was bad enough that he had done what he did, but to take pictures as well? That just made everything worse.
"So, you know the truth now," Salem commented, "what do you plan to do with it?"
Anders turned his gaze to the qunari woman. "I recorded the conversation he and I had about it," he informed her, "and I've already taken it to the police along with copies of the pictures."
"You do understand what that means for your friend right?" Salem asked gently. She didn't seem to be angry or relieved. She was some form of calm logic and silent worry.
"I do," Anders nodded.
"And you're okay with that?" Elyssa questioned, "he's been your best friend for years."
"And you've been my girlfriend for years before I met him," Anders pointed out, "how was I supposed to just sit by and let him get away with that?"
"You let him get away with treating me like I was a piece of dirt on the bottom of his shoe," Elyssa stated in a hard voice, "you let him get away with it so well that you started treating me the same way!" She expected more angry words, the cruel mention of her past, the scoffing followed by rolling eyes, the cocky smile she hated. She expected the Anders she had known in the past two years since he had met Justice. What she didn't expect was the downcast eyes, the frown of shame, the heartfelt 'I'm sorry' the Anders standing before her now - the old Anders - delivered.
"I have treated you terribly in the past few years," Anders admitted, "it was so easy to give in to Justice's cruel opinion of you, to believe when he said I deserved better. I'm not proud of it, but I followed him blindly because it seemed so easy to blame everything on you."
"What do you mean, blame everything on me?" Elyssa asked confused, "blame what on me?"
Anders shuffled his feet, looking around the room at all the people he didn't know. "I… um… I don't really think I'm as attracted to you as I thought I was in the beginning," he admitted, a dark blush coloring his pale cheeks.
"Because of my past, right?" Elyssa sighed defeated. She had always known that was the source of the problems. Somehow, having it confirmed didn't make it any better.
"What?" Anders asked, surprised, "No, of course, that wasn't it."
"I don't understand what you're trying to say," Elyssa admitted, "every time we fought you would bring up the fact that I was broken and damaged." Solas turned to look at Elyssa in disapproval. He didn't have to say anything for Elyssa to know what he meant. He didn't believe she was broken, even if everyone else did.
"You're not either of those things, Elyssa," Anders sighed, the shame evident in his tone, "saying that you were, was cruel of me." Anders took another deep breath. "Elyssa, I think I'm gay," he admitted, "or at least bi-sexual. Either way, I'm finding that I have been more attracted to men than I have you, or any other woman for that matter, in the past few years."
"You've… been blaming your attraction to men on me all this time?" Elyssa asked slowly, not fully comprehending what he was saying.
"Yes," Anders sighed, "Justice had me convinced that it was just your lack of affection towards me that made me feel that way. He kept throwing women at me, I suppose in hopes of showing me he was right, but I never would do anything with them. I never admitted to him it was because I just didn't find them appealing. Which brings me to the rest of what I came here to say." He took a long breath, struggling with whatever it was he had to finish telling her. "Elyssa, he planned it," he told her, "it didn't matter when or why you would have come to see me, he'd had a plan set for whenever you did."
"What do you mean by, 'a plan?'" Elyssa's voice trembled, her heart pounded. She wasn't sure she wanted to hear what he meant, but then she wasn't sure she didn't either. Solas left his place behind Coach Bull to come to stand by her side. He took her hand in his, giving it a gentle squeeze. Letting her know he was there, that she wasn't alone. On her other side, Salem began rubbing her shoulders soothingly with one hand. Her gaze never left Anders, but the gentle pressure of her soft circles was comforting to Elyssa. She could do this. She could listen to this horrible truth. She could face what was in front of her now because she wasn't alone anymore.
"The drink he gave you when you first came in, it was laced," Anders said, "I swear I had no idea he was lacing it. I thought he was just giving you alcohol."
"It was… but I hadn't even told you what I was there for yet," Elyssa tried to figure out why Justice had drugged her drink as soon as she had gotten there. It didn't make any sense. He had done what he did because she had acted like a whore and cheated on Anders. It was her punishment, he'd said.
"He had originally planned for me to be with you, 'without you resisting' he said," Anders said, "so that I 'wouldn't be so lonely I had to go for a guy'." Anders shook his head angrily, "then you told me you had cheated on me and ruined his plan. At that point, I think it became a matter of revenge for him. Not just for me, but for him as well." Another sigh from Anders, another deep breath from Elyssa as painful memories assaulted her. "I left, knowing you weren't okay to drive because I thought you had been drinking alcohol. I figured you'd be fine for a little while. I thought after I had sobered up some, I would take you home, and that would be that. Then when I did get back, Justice had said you had passed out after telling him how sorry you were and how you still wanted to be with me. I believed him when he said that. I let myself be talked into blaming you again."
Elyssa stared in horror at Anders, not really seeing him. She saw the cropped brown hair and pale blue eyes filled with loathing. She heard that angry bitter voice, that cruel laugh. Added to the already painful memories was the knowledge that it would have happened whether she had cheated on Anders or not. What did that mean for her? Was it not her fault as she had believed it was? Was it no longer something she deserved? Or was it her fault for not trying harder with Anders? Should she have tried to be more appealing to him? Tried harder to bring him closer instead of pushing him away? Or was this a path they would always come to?
"Thank you," Elyssa whispered, "thank you for turning him in."
Anders smiled at her, a kind smile laced with sadness. "It's really over between us, isn't it?" he remarked.
Elyssa looked at Anders, the person she'd been with for almost four years, and then she glanced at Solas, the man she'd known for almost four months. The differences between the two were evident. Solas was someone she had been able to open up and turn to. Anders was someone she had closed herself off and hid for. Maybe if she'd never met Justice, things would have been different. Maybe they wouldn't. Without a doubt, Elyssa knew that what she felt for Solas was so much different than what she had felt for Anders. She couldn't even say she was attracted to Anders in the way she had been to Solas. There was something about her art teacher, something she recognized and related with, that had drawn her in. There was something about the way he was so compassionate, understanding, accepting that had captured her heart. With Anders she had been scared to be herself, hiding behind dyed hair and art. With Solas she couldn't hide, he had seen right through her, he had embraced her - every piece of her.
"Yes, it really is," Elyssa offered him a small smile of sympathy, "I'm sorry."
"Don't apologize," Anders smiled back, "I think it's time we both moved on. Though I suspect you already have." His tone wasn't bitter, instead, it was understanding. His eyes locked onto her hand intertwined with Solas'. Solas began pulling his hand away, assumingly trying to give her the chance to deny it. She gripped his hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze. She wanted Solas and she wanted him to know that. As long as he would have her, she would be here.
"There's someone out there for you too," she offered kindly.
Anders smiled softly, "I hope you're right." He gave her one more sad tinged look of fondness, the way you would look at an old friend moving away, then he turned and walked out - closing another chapter of her life in the process.