From the second my eyes open I feel jittery. I pull on a periwinkle sweater dress and see-through gray tights. I attempt to use a straightener on my hair to tame it, to no avail. The frizz remains. Before heading downstairs, I spritz on some frou-frou perfume my grandmother got me for my birthday a few years ago. I take a deep breath. And another. I don't feel any calmer.
I skid into the kitchen and grab a poptart. I take a seat at our barely used kitchen table, opening the tin foil. I take a bite of the chocolate toaster pastry, getting more and more amped up with every munch. I'm staring at the clock, waiting in anxious anticipation for Emmett to text me. We hadn't set up a time, but I had a feeling it would be in the morning. I throw the foil wrapper away after I finish my breakfast. My phone dings, the chipper sound at odds with the turmoil brewing in my stomach.
Are you ready? Emmett's message reads.
Physically? Yes. Mentally? Definitely not. I send back.
Come on, you got this. You've done it before. Just try not to bleed this time.
I make no promises. With that message, I slide on some boots and a jean jacket. I call out a goodbye to my mom, who's up getting ready. I take the now familiar road to Emmett's house, but rather than comforting, the long, twisted roads feel more ominous. I'm so nervous I almost miss the turn. Emmett's waiting for me on the porch. When I go to open the door a second later, he's already there, unclipping my seatbelt for me.
"I can do that." I argue.
"But this way I can guarantee you won't run away." He smirks. He takes my hand and pulls me along behind him before stopping right before the porch steps and turning to face me.
"Are you wearing perfume?" I should've known he'd be able to smell it. I blush, embarrassed and not wanting him to think I did it for him, even though I kind of did.
"Yes." I keep my answer short, hoping he'll drop it.
"Why?" His eyebrows knit themselves together.
"Well, you acted like it can be a bit difficult for you to be around me due to my pleasing aroma," I wiggle my eyebrows at the last bit. "I figured if I could mask the scent it would be a little bit easier for you."
Emmett stares at me for a moment, digesting what I said, before letting out the loudest laugh I've ever heard from him, the sound bouncing off of the trees. He picks me up and spins me around before setting me back down and grabbing my hands.
"That's incredibly endearing. But not very effective. It isn't easy for me to be around you, but I like to think I can handle it because I like you." I blush even deeper. Emmett rubs my cheek with the back of his hand, still holding mine. He lets go of one of my hands so that I can walk, pulling me up the porch steps and across the threshold of the house. I'm grateful that he's so giant—I'm concealed behind him. Despite the fact that I've been here before, I still feel nervous, now that I know—and his family knows that I know their secret.
"Ma, you've already met Raquel." Emmett gestures with our joined hands between Esme and me.
"I'm glad you came back." Her smile softens her already delicate features. She opens her arms slightly, an invitation for a hug without expecting me to accept her offer. I let go of Emmett's hand and step into her embrace. Her grip is cold and gentle, like a child delicately hugging a china doll, as though worried she'd shatter it. "Emmett has been much happier with you in his life."
She's says the last bit in a stage whisper, giving me a conspirator's wink when I pull away.
"Ma, you're gonna make me blush." Emmett wraps an arm around me after I step back to his side. "Come on, I'll show you around."
"Without introducing us to her first?" A soprano voice, like a windchime stirred by a breeze, trails down the beautiful wooden staircase. Alice appears, moving too fast for my eyes to process, her spiky black hair slightly ruffled from the mini-whirlwind she created. She skips over to me, wrapping her arms around my shoulders, all within the blink of an eye. I'm so shocked I just stand there until she steps back.
"Raquel! I saw you coming. I told you, Jasper," She calls to the lanky blonde hesitating by the stairs. "I'm never wrong. After over seventy years together, you'd think he'd learn."
She positions herself so that we're both looking at Jasper, Alice's arm slung around my shoulders like we've been besties for our whole lives rather than having just met a few moments before. I relax, pleased with how this is going. I smile across the room at Jasper.
"Hi." I say, all traces of shyness and apprehension gone in the blink of an eye.
"Hello." He says, lips tilting up in the faintest of smiles. Emmett leads me towards the stairs with a hand on my lower back. I can feel the chill of his hand through my dress, sending a not unpleasant shiver through me. As we head up the stairs, I turn to beam at him.
"I think this is going well." I whisper, though I'm sure the other three vampires can hear me. Emmett nods. His eyes flicker to the steps above me, and his lively grin dissipates slowly, like a freshly extinguished candle. I turn to follow his gaze to find Rosalie, in all of her luscious, blonde-haired beauty, staring down at us with cold eyes, an avenging angel sans wings. She begins to approach us, her golden waves to bounce with the exaggerated attitude conveyed by her calculated, slow footsteps.
"Really, Emmett? I expect this sort of thing from Edward, but you? Why didn't you just do us all a favor and just kill her again?" Rosalie's eyes land on me briefly, before flashing to Emmett. I'm confused by her last statement, frantically looking from her back to Emmett like a bobblehead that's been flicked one too many times.
"Rose…" Emmett begins, but Rosalie takes in my expression and begins to laugh.
"You haven't told her? No wonder she's here. And she hears the truth from me? Shakespeare would be jealous of the drama I just caused." She turns to smile at me. Her mouth expresses happiness, but there's a bitterness or resentment in her eyes. I can't bring myself to smile back. Rosalie hops over the banister, landing gracefully on her feet despite the ten-foot drop, and flashes out of sight. I turn to Emmett, questions on my face.
"This isn't how I wanted to tell you. Come on, let's go see Carlisle." Emmett's mouth is pressed into a grim line, and I follow him into the office in which Carlisle stitched up my face before.
"Hey, Big Papa!" Emmett seems to recover most of his good humor, but if he weren't undead, I'd say he looked almost gray.
"Somehow it gets worse every day." Carlisle mutters, pushing away from his desk. "Hello again, Raquel. It's lovely to see you again."
"Hi, Carlisle. I'm glad to be back." I add with a tentative smile. Carlisle turns to Emmett.
"Can I help you?"
"Well, I'm sure you heard, but Rose kind of let the cat out of the bag. I figured it'd probably be better if you explain." Emmett drops my hand and steps away. I look at my empty hand and then at Carlisle for answers.
"I did hear. You'll probably want to sit down." He says the last part to me. I comply, taking a seat in the desk chair.
"Raquel, I've never had to tell you this. Or rather, any version of you this." I look up at him, more confused than ever. "You've heard of reincarnation?" I nod.
"Well, there's a similar idea where a person, called an old soul, keeps being reborn. There are a few theories as to why this may be, but the most common—and the one that I personally subscribe to, is that the old soul hasn't been able to live their whole life for one reason or another. Their life has been cut short, and so the universe or whatever powers that be give them a second chance, or however many it takes."
"And you think I'm one of these? I don't even believe in reincarnation." I cross my arms, skeptical even though the concept seems to shake something loose in my head. Carlisle approaches me, bending down to open a drawer filled with files. He pulls one out and opens it.
"I would say it's incredibly possible you are one, Raquel. We—being my family and myself, have run into you a couple of times." He says while pulling pictures out. The first is black and white, and it's of a family, a father, mother, and two children who look to be the same age. I recognize the two-story white farmhouse in the back, it looks just like my dream. I study the woman's face, my pulse speeding up when I recognize a similar, older version of my own face. Her shoulder-length hair has been arranged into an array of curls clearly from rollers with a few strands threatening to ruin all of her hard work in favor of their natural state. Her smile is wide, eyes bright, an expression I've seen in pictures taken of me. My eyes flash up to Carlisle's as he hands me the other picture. This one is sepia toned, and has two girls with their arms slung around each other. I look at the taller one, with long, wavy blonde hair before studying the shorter one. Though she's laughing, I see my unruly hair, dimples, and even the slight freckles scattered across my nose. I drop the pictures, shook to my core. My dreams come back to me, swirling around my head on a loop.
"When were these taken?" I whisper. "I've dreamed about them before. You're telling me that those weren't dreams? They were somehow… memories?"
"1943 and 1968, respectively. As for your dreams, I don't know of many other old souls, but it's possible that you did in fact have memories bleed through. After all, you are the same soul in a new body. It would make sense that you retain some things, albeit subconsciously when you return." My brain feels as though a fog has permeated throughout my skull, making my thoughts sluggish and jumbled. A pit forms in my stomach, a sense of foreboding.
"What… happened to me?" I have a feeling I already know, but I need to hear Carlisle say it, out loud. If I keep coming back, that means there's no happy ending to any of my stories.
"Well," Carlisle hesitates, glancing at Emmett standing uncharacteristically silent in the doorway. "I want to preface this by saying it was a long time ago, and we've become more practiced, better at this lifestyle. I want to introduce you to another concept first. It only applies to our kind. It's referred to as la cantante."
My eyebrows furrow, trying to see where this is going.
"The English translation is blood singer. It's where a human's blood… appeals to a specific vampire above and beyond how that human's blood appeals to other vampires. It's unknown how common it is, but most vampires are unable to resist the urge to… act on their impulse. It'd be comparable to sharks smelling blood in the water." Carlisle looks at me, making sure I'm okay.
"I killed you." Emmett's voice interrupts, deep and gravely. I blink, unable to process what he said for a minute.
"Huh?"
"The current theory, or rather, my current theory, is that you're Emmett's blood singer, and you have been since your first incarnation. Since Emmett killed you in the past, you keep coming back." Carlisle says, trying to be gentle in his delivery. I stand up, fury seeping out of every pore.
"You killed me? Did you realize who I was when you first saw me?" My hands are balled into fists at my side, my gaze accusing.
"Yes." Emmett answers quietly. "It's why Carlisle looked startled the first time you came here. He recognized you, too."
"And yet," I get even closer to him, ignoring the potential danger.
"You still had the audacity to befriend me? When you knew you'd want to kill me? How dare you, Emmett. You didn't even come clean when I told you how much I have trouble trusting people. And to think," I let out a humorless laugh. "I was really starting to like you! I really was thinking that you were someone I could trust absolutely. That not all guys are out to get me? Only to find out that was a lie? How could you?"
Despite the crescendo of my voice as I go through my rant, the last words come out as a whisper.
"I'm so, so sorry Raquel." He pinches the bridge of his nose with his giant hand and his voice cracks a bit. "I wish I had been strong enough not to kill you then. I can only thank whatever gods or deities there are that I'm stronger now, that I can be around you."
"You genuinely thought," I laugh again, edging on hysterical. "I'd still want to date you after all of this? Very funny, Emmett. I had families. I had children for God's sake. Did you really believe that I'd hear all of this and say that it was all fine and you could just carry me off into the sunset? I thought a lot of things about you, Emmett, but being delusional was not one of them."
I move to leave when Carlisle's voice stops me.
"Raquel? There is one last thing." I turn to face him slowly. "You should know that you're also Emmett's soul mate. For vampires this-" I don't bother to listen to the rest of his explanation, waving him off and leaving. I can tell Emmett's about to follow me, but Carlisle stops him, mumbling something about "let her go." When I reach the bottom of the stairs, three sets of honey-colored eyes are looking at me, a range of pity to apprehension in each pair.
"You all knew?" I ask. When none of them answer, I scoff, nod once, and turn to go.
"Raquel, please wait." Alice says, zipping to my side, gently taking ahold of my arm. I sigh and face her.
"I'm not going to tell anyone, Alice. I just need some time to process all of this."
"I know. I also know you'll be back." She grins and wraps her tiny arms around me. Despite the thickened wall that now encase my heart, it crumbles a little when Alice hugs me. I pat her head and leave, albeit slightly less angry. I head down the steps when I sense Emmett behind me. I turn to face him, leaning against my car with my arms crossed.
"I—" He starts. I wave an arm to cut him off.
"Save it, Emmett." I fling open my door and climb in. Before I close the door, I call out, "while you're at it, you can quit it with the gifts."
To his credit, Emmett looks genuinely confused. I can feel my emotionless demeanor begin to rupture, so I close my door and head down the driveway before he can question what I said.
I'm a few miles down the road when the tears hit. I pull over as sobs wrack my body. I'm not completely sure what I'm crying for. My past selves, killed before their time? The families I didn't know I had who lost a daughter? Myself, for letting down my walls so quickly? A combination? At this point I'm not sure.
When my sobs quiet down to the occasional hiccup and I no longer need windshield wipers for my eyes, I turn the key in the ignition and head back home. I manage to sneak up to my room with minimal questioning from my mom. I flop down on my bed, facing the wall and trying to think about what my next move is. I haven't gotten anywhere past moving across the globe when my phone dings next to me.
I know you don't want to talk to me right now, and that's fair. Could you at least let me know that you got home safe? My actions were stupid; I shouldn't have kept this from you. I want you to know though, that everything I said before you found out was 100% the truth. If you decide to give me another chance, I'll do my best to rectify my behavior and do better in to try to fix this mess in any way I can. With texts, you can't read inflection, but Emmett always says what he means, that much I know for sure. I sit up to type out a quick reply affirming that I'm fine and made it home okay before flopping back down onto my pillow, even more confused now.
Despite my anger and hurt I feel, which I know are completely justified, I also feel like completely cutting Emmett out of my life is impossible. Though I didn't listen to Carlisle's explanation, fed up with the fact that he, too, seemed to think I shouldn't find this blatant disregard of the emotional toll this would take on me, the outright dismissal of why I was in pain, to listen to whatever he meant about soulmates, but I can't deny that I felt a sense of truth, of rightness when he said it. But accepting this only brings on another set of questions. How could your soulmate kill you? If they're truly supposed to love you, how could they bear to be the reason you die?
I'm trying to reconcile that I have to admit to myself that I do care about Emmett; I really like him. But I also don't know how to forgive someone who literally killed me in my past lives. Were those people really me, though? My soul was definitely the same—no question there, but I don't remember much else besides my death. Am I truly willing to give Emmett a second chance if he agrees to take things slow and rebuild all the trust he destroyed with me? I'm not ready to forgive him now, but I have a feeling that the feelings I had before today are too strong to just ignore. I also don't want to be a pushover.
Really, Raquel? It's been one day and you're already considering forgiving him? You need to get it together, grieve, and think about the reality of the consequences you face. He's killed you before, he could—and there's a very real possibility he will—do it again. And you just wanna jump headfirst back into a relationship with him because of some other fate you have as his soul mate? Get it together girl. I think to myself. One thing is for sure, I don't have to make a decision today, or tomorrow, for that matter. I'm going to take the time to figure out what is best for me, independently. I think this, but I also have the gut feeling that Alice was right, and I'll be back at the Cullen home before I know it.