HI, let me apologise to anybody who was following this story exclusively on , I kinda thought that nobody was so I stopped uploading it on here, so I'm sorry for the lack of update. Anyways. The story is complete and I will upload all the chapters over the next couple of days.
Okay, so, I realize Rapunzel is completely oblivious in this one, she's just rather distracted by the whole pregnancy thing.
Warnings: Some scenes of a sexual nature. Slight violence. And random Disneyesque singing.
I do not own the songs or lyrics they are: Love is only a feeling by the Darkness (but I prefer the lounge kittens cover)
Then there is I cant' fight this feeling by REO speedwagon
Finally I won't say I'm in love – from Disney's Hercules That's mixed with For Good from the musical Wicked.
I'm just trying to copy the way that the series has multiple songs in a couple of the season episodes rather than throughout the whole thing – hence the amount of songs in the chapter.
There was a knock at Cassandra's door.
"Come in." She shouted, pulling herself up from where she was reading on her bed.
Eugene's face appeared.
"I brought you some breakfast." He said holding up some pastries. "Varian mentioned in passing that you'd had a fall last night. Nothing too serious I hope?"
"No, just a swollen knee. It's fine really, I would have come and got breakfast, I was just enjoying my book, but thank you." She happily took a bite out of one of the cinnamon swirls that he'd brought her. "How's Rapunzel this morning? I'm going to drop in on her later."
"She's fine, I persuaded her to rest up today. Thank you for being there for her last night. I mean, you did kick me out of bed and all, but, I know how glad Rapunzel is to have you here. How glad I am to have you here."
Cassandra gave him a warm smile, one that she didn't even have to force herself to give.
Eugene took a deep breath and sat down on the bed. His expression turned worried.
"Cassandra, I can be observant."
"I know, you observe yourself in the mirror all the time."
"There was a moment between you and Varian when you were dancing at your party, and afterwards I saw you creeping in with him in the early hours of the morning."
"Does anybody in this place actually sleep?"
"Cassandra, he's not a kid anymore."
"Well that much is obvious."
"So any feeling he has now aren't a teenage crush anymore."
"You're point being?"
"Just, don't hurt him."
"Are we done with this conversation now?"
Eugene sighed and got up to leave.
"Well, I guess I said my piece."
Cassandra stared at him as he leaved. He was worried about Varian, but what about her, what if it was her who was going to get their heart broken?
Eugene wasn't done, he hadn't expected to get much information out of Cassandra, she was never one to really talk about her feelings. So, he headed down the stairs to Varian's lab.
"Hey Cuz." Varian said when he saw him. "You okay?"
"Yeah, just only saw you for a few seconds at breakfast this morning."
"Alchemy was calling me, she's a hard mistress. How is Rapunzel this morning?"
"Fine, the doctor says she has a strong cervix."
"And I am never going to be able to unhear that."
"Varian, I need you to make me a promise. Next time anything happens with Rapunzel, you need to get me straight away. I can handle it, okay."
"Okay, I'm sorry, I should have had more faith in you." Varian said looking at him with that wide eyes sorry puppy dog look that reminded him of when he'd first met the young man.
"I took Cassandra some breakfast."
"Uh hu." Varian turned away fiddling with something on the table, Eugene knew he wasn't actually working, he was just avoiding looking at him.
"She dousn't seem to be in too much pain, just a bruised knee."
"Uh huh."
"Though I think it's more that her leg is bothering her again, she's probably done too much with all that dancing at her party, and you know, that long moonlit walk she took with you that night. That probably tired her out a bit."
Varian's hand stilled, and he shot Eugene a shocked look.
"I'm just going to come out and ask this. Are you in love with Cassandra?"
Varian's eyes widened, he looked down and sighed, a great heaving sigh that seemed to shrink him.
"The first flush of youth was upon me when our eyes first met
And I knew that to you and into your life I had to get
I felt light-headed at the touch of this stranger's hand
An assault my defences systematically failed to withstand.
'Cause you came at a time
When the pursuit of one true love in which to fall
Was the be all and end all
Love is only a feeling
When I'm in your arms I start believing
But love is only a feeling
Anyway
The state of elation that this unison of hearts achieved
I had seen, I had touched, I had tasted and I truly believed
That the light of my love
Would tear a hole right through each cloud that scudded by
Just to beam on you and I."
"I fucked up Eugene."
"Oh?"
"I kissed her, and she ran away, and that's how she injured her knee. I mean, I think I really scared her."
"I doubt Cassandra is scared of you."
"I did try to kill her that time."
"Yes, well, puberty sucks. And she kidnapped you, drugged you, and held you in a prison leading to you falling out of a window and almost dying, but all that is ancient history now."
"You don't think she ran away because she's scared of me? She seemed to completely freak out. I just never thought that I had a chance with her, but lately I thought that there was something between us, and I pushed it, probably more than I should."
"I doubt anybody has a chance with her, though why anybody would want one I cannot fathom."
Varian sighed and looked away. Eugene realized that he probably wasn't helping, and by the looks of it Varian needed help, or at least somebody to talk with. Eugene knew that Varian and his father had not left each other on the best of terms, Quirin had not been happy that Varian had broken up with Faith. He seemed to have been under the impression that a wife would calm his son's…eagerness? Unsociable hours? He wasn't too sure really. It was up to Eugene to step up.
"Sorry, that wasn't helpful. Look, even I can see the two of you have been getting on well lately. I guess I can see why you might think that the viper lady was looking for a smooch."
"She kissed me first."
Eugene's mouth dropped open.
"What the.. shut up." He closed his eyes and put his hand to the bridge of his nose. "Let me get this straight, Cassandra, the wandering wilderness woman of the seven kingdoms, previously inhabited by daemons, whom when you were a child, locked you in a cage dangling a hundred foot in the air, kissed you?"
"I wasn't a child I was seventeen, and it was only one daemon. You just said that was all ancient history."
"Besides the point."
"Yes. It was a few weeks ago when the horse got loose in town, and I pushed her against the wall. When the danger had passed she just looked up at me and kissed me."
"Well, that's unexpected."
"Yep."
"What did you do?"
"I went to check that nobody was injured."
"You didn't kiss her back?"
"No, I was just shocked, everything happened really quickly, and then she was walking away from me and wouldn't come back when I tried to call to her."
"She kissed you then pushed you away, you kiss her she runs away."
"She kissed me back, at first."
"That sounds like mixed messages."
"I tried to talk to her about it, but she told me it was just an adrenaline thing, from almost being trampled to death. So I haven't mentioned it since. Do you think it was just the adrenaline?"
"Well, I don't know what adrenaline is, but in my experience near death experiences do lead to some good loving afterwards, it's just being grateful you're still alive. Gods I wished I were married to Rapunzel when we first made the journey here, we almost died so many times. Such a waste of good sexual energy. We just don't get our lives put in that kind of risk very often anymore you know?"
"We were talking about Cassandra." Varian said putting his hands on his hips and rolling his eyes. "Not about how you wished you could almost die, because you think it would improve your sex life."
"Okay, I was just saying, and just to be clear, my sex life does not need improvement, it's fine, great even. So, I'm guessing you actually want Cassandra to be interest in you?"
"I've always wanted her."
Eugene paused at the intensity in his voice.
"Not always? I mean I know that you had a teenage crush on her, but you haven't seen her in five years."
"Okay, I've not spent every night for five years lying in bed and wishing that she was there, but I did sometimes wonder where she was, and wished that I could see her again, wishing somehow, at some point, it would happen for me and her. When I saw her again, in the woods, everything came rushing back. How intensely I wanted to save her from going down the wrong route, how much I just wanted her respect. Then all those hours I sat up taking care of her when she was ill, I had so much time on my hands to think. Eugene, she'll always be my dream."
Eugene was stunned at the words, so like those that he had often shared with Rapunzel 'you we're my new dream'.
"Oh, Kid. After everything?"
Varian nodded.
"Even when she was the enemy, all I could think of was getting her back on the right path. I thought I could be the one to help her because I knew what it was like to give in to anger and fear."
Eugene was quiet for a long time. He loved his cousin, but Cassandra was not an easy person to get along with at times, plus she had never shown any interest in having any kind of romantic relationship. Hadn't he seen it himself a few days previous though, hadn't he seen the way that Cassandra had leaned in close to Varian, the way she'd looked at him, hadn't he thought that she was melting just a little.
"Well." He said finally. "There's only one thing you can do with dreams."
"What?"
"Try and get them."
"But if she dousn't see me like that."
Eugene shook his head.
"Then she dousn't see you like that, there's not much you can do except show her your true self. Let her know what you think of her, listen to what she wants, and offer to be there with her whilst she finds it."
Varian nodded.
"I've got to tell you though, Cassandra, she's a hard nut to crack."
"She's worth it." Varian answered with complete conviction.
"Then you go and get her Kid."
"Thanks Eugene, but how many times do I have to tell you to stop calling me kid?"
" Rapunzel, what comes to mind if somebody said they wanted to be your lover?" Cassandra asked as she lay on her friend's bed eating a lemon shortbread.
"I would say I'm flattered but I'm married."
Cassandra rolled her eyes.
"You're not as funny as you think you are."
"Oh, I'm hilarious, and to answer your question, Eugene is what comes to mind. Eugene is my lover as well as my husband."
"It's a very different word to boyfriend and to partner isn't it?"
"Yes, wait did somebody ask you to be their lover?" Rapunzel said suddenly jumping up and eagerly looking at Cassandra.
"Oh, yeah, but this happened ages ago." Cassandra lied, regretting that she had brought up the topic, what if she'd said too much. Rapunzel, wasn't entirely all there most of the time at the moment ,what with the bouts of illness she was suffering, and the stresses that had accompanied her pregnancy, she seemed to be pretty oblivious to most of the things that went on in the castle. Cassandra, could forgive her that though and given the circumstance, right now, that could be helpful.
Rapunzel's eyes widened.
"I said no." Cassandra said quickly. "It's just playing on my mind; I mean it's a word that's got some undertones isn't'? I mean sexual?" Cassandra said awkwardly, her and Rapunzel had never talked about this stuff before.
"Oh yeah, that guy wanted to rock your world."
"Rock my…You've been spending too much time with Fitzherbert."
"You've been on the road for a long time, have you ever had a lover?" Rapunzel asked biting her lip as if she wasn't sure to ask the question.
"Not on the road." She thought of Duncan. "But I guess you could say I had a lover once, only once, before we knew each other."
"What? You never told me."
"You can't be a handmaiden unless you're a maid, my father wouldn't have suggested me if he'd had known."
"Well, I'm glad he didn't know then."
"Plus..." Cassandra took a deep breath. "It's something I've been very ashamed off, for a very long time."
"Did you love him?"
"I thought I did, now I know It was just a passing infatuation."
"Then there's no shame, if you thought you loved him, just because you know better now dousn't change that."
Cassandra shook her head.
"It dousn't work like that, it's complicated. Plus, that was such a negative experience for me, it hurt, and it was just awful, I've never really wanted to relive that."
"Wait, sex can be bad?"
Cassandra found herself laughing at Rapunzel's confused face.
"Well, I know I don't usually have anything nice to say about Fitzherbert, but at least he knows how to treat you right in that regards."
Rapunzel gave a small smile and blushed.
"So, uh getting back to you." She said her face still beet red. "I would say that the word lover is quite a broad one, it could mean different things to different people so you should always have a conversation to check if you are on the same page. I mean, do they mean monogamous? Is it a single night thing or a long-term thing? I mean, you can be married and have a lover other than your husband can't you? Or you could have somebody who's not a big part of your life but who you have illicit meetings with."
"I think he was talking about long term, and monogamous." Said Cassandra, suddenly unsure, what if he just meant for that night, or whilst they were both here at the citadel together? She didn't know anymore.
"Oh. So, why not just ask you to marry him?"
"I'm not the marrying type." She answered automatically.
"Are you the type to have lovers then? I mean not that I'm judging or anything, some would, in fact a lot would, but some people just live life differently. If you can have a little companionship and happiness then you shouldn't let other people opinions stop you if that's what you want."
"I think I am; I think it is what I want."
"But you said all this all happened ages ago? Are you planning on seeing him again? Or is their somebody else?" Rapunzel was sounding excited again.
"Maybe. I don't know. It just, he is, was, well probably still is, one of the best people I've ever met."
Rapunzel stopped bouncing up and down and looked at her as if she were just realizing something.
Cassandra wondered if she'd said too much.
"You really like him?"
Cassandra didn't answer.
"Oh Cass, maybe you can't actually have a lover without some love attached. Maybe he didn't just have sex in mind, maybe he wanted to be your lover because he loved you.""
Cassandra shook her head at the idea. It was too much to think that somebody as good as Varian could actually love somebody like her. It would be a mistake to love her. She betrayed the people she loved.
She got up to leave.
"I'm a pretty difficult person to love."
"But worth it when you do.
Cassandra needed to clear her head. She took the gondola over the ravine and went to the stables to get Fidella. As she rode through the forest she looked at the path ahead of her, she knew it wound for miles, if she kept following it she would reach the Eastern sea, she could board a boat and sail into the horizon without ever having to make the choice whether to follow the longing in her heart and body, or listen to the doubts and fears of her mind.
"I could ride down this path and over that rise. I don't have to choose where my destiny lies. I don't have to break any rules or cross any lines. I could follow this path and leave it all behind."
There was a loud crack of thunder overhead. Cassandra looked up and realized that she had been so caught up in her thoughts she hadn't notice a huge black cloud heading over, it stretched as far as the horizon. It was going to be a bad storm. She would need to find shelter, and the nearest shelter would be back at the Citadel. She turned Fidella around and started to gallop back in that direction as the first rain drops splashed on her face.
"Thank you." Varian said taking the tea that Angelica handed him.
"You're always welcome here Varian, you know that."
He smiled warmly at her.
"You know, I usually try not to comment on a woman's size, but it's got to be any day now right." Varian said smiling at the pregnant woman. She gave a loud sigh, supporting her stomach as she sat down.
"You know, I bloody well hope so."
Varian laughed.
" It's hard not to comment on a woman's size when she's the size of a rhino. "Angelica continued. "I haven't seen my feet in almost three months, and I keep forgetting how big I am and knocking stuff over with my stomach."
"Come on." He said fondly pointing at her feet. "I know how to earn my tea."
Angelica gave a loud sigh.
"Jeez, boy you are a saint." She lifted one of her bare feet up. Varian took it and gently started to massage her insteps. This wasn't the first time he'd done this for his friend. He knew that some people might have seen it as a rather intimate gesture, but he felt very protective towards her, in the same way that he felt protective towards Rapunzel now. Perhaps he just felt that way around pregnant women. Besides, he knew this simple touch was a small comfort to a woman who had been so badly abused in the past, it was nice that she trusted him so much.
"That Cassandra is a lucky woman."
Varian stopped. He looked up at her.
"You know Cassandra?"
"Well, yes, she came here to calm down after that horse broke free. Didn't she tell you?"
"No."
"Huh, thought she would of."
"Why would you think that?"
"Well, isn't she your girlfriend?"
"No."
"Well, what have you been doing wrong?"
Varian gave a sarcastic smile, luckily he didn't have to answer as they were disturbed by a loud rumble of thunder.
"That sounded close."
"Can't have been, it was fine an hour ago." Varian went and looked out the door and saw black clouds overhead. Rain started splattering down.
"Do you need to stay over?"
"No, I think I can make it back if I leave now."
"Wait up." She went to a pile of clothes that was sitting neatly on her countertop. She searched through them and brought out a large thick coat.
"I was mending a rip for Jimmy, but he won't mind you borrowing it."
"Thanks." He took it and turned to leave, remembering something before he left.
"Is there anything else you need for the baby?"
She shook her head.
"Nope, I've got everything now."
"Well, if you think of something."
She gave him a quick kiss on the cheek.
"Get going boy. You'll get drenched."
Cassandra dismounted Fidella as the rain grew heavier.
"Can you get yourself back to the stables?"
The horse neighed and started to gallop off in the right direction. Cassandra rushed forward to the gondola, her head bowed against the strong winds that almost pushed her over. As she reached the gondola the door sprung open and a hand was pulling her in. She automatically started to fight back before she saw familiar black gloves and looked up to see Varian.
A strong wind caught the door and Varian struggled with it for a moment before being able to slam it shut.
"Whew! Where did this weather come from?"
He turned to her, and they froze. It was the first time they had seen each other since they had kissed in his lab, and the words he had spoken hung silently around them.
"I don't think it's safe to travel across in such high winds."
"Agreed." Cassandra said. "I guess we're waiting it out here."
"Are you scared of me Cass?"
Cassandra was taken aback.
"What? Why would I be scared of you?"
"I just thought, that might be why you ran away last night."
"Why would I ever be scared of you?"
"So, if it wasn't that, what was it?"
Cassandra shook her head, the idea that she could fear Varian was laughable. He had never done anything to hurt her, well, recently. Lately he'd never been anything other than kind, and patient, and gentle to her.
"I…"
She thought of Varian's face in her dreams, the light and life disappearing from his eyes. She couldn't tell him that. She couldn't tell him that the reason she stopped their kiss was because she was scared of herself, scared that the darkness that she had inside of her might wake up again, that she might hurt him again. He was watching her, waiting for her answer.
"I could never be scared of you. I know you would never hurt me, you're not capable of hurting anybody Varian."
He gave a bitter huff of a laugh and looked down at the floor.
"I wish that were true. So, why did you run away from me?" He pushed.
"I like you okay! I just, I can't be with you. End of story, end of discussion."
His face had suddenly lit up hopeful and surprised and then fell again as she talked.
"And you're not going to tell me why you can't be with me because you're Cass, and you don't share your emotions." He said sarcastically.
"It's okay that you're frustrated with me."
"Danm right it is."
The gondola was lit up with a sudden blinding white light, followed instantaneously by an earth-shaking rumble of thunder. Varian reached for her; a small, protective gesture that didn't go unnoticed.
"I get the feeling that we're going to be here for most the night." Cassandra said sitting down on one of the benches running through the centre of the gondola.
"Probably." Varian said sitting a few feet away from her.
They sat in silence for a long time. Listening to the storm rolling around them, the ruthless splattering of rain against the thin glass, the wind as it whistled through loose wooden planks over head, and the occasional flashes and rumbles of lightening.
"You know, this is the exact spot where I first met Edmund." Cassandra finally said.
"Really?" He muttered disinterested.
"Yes, well, I didn't know it was him then, his face was covered with a bear skin, but it was this exact spot where he tried to kill me with an axe."
Varian looked at her with amusement in his eyes.
"I think we all have had memorable moments with King Edmund, but that one does rank high up there."
"He's a lot less… "She made a motion with her hand. "But I can't believe that he still has that bird, how long do crows live anyways?"
"Urgh, don't get me started on that bird, that thing was responsible for me being sucked into a different dimension and growing snake hair."
"What?"
"It's hard to explain, you had to be there. Lance was an eyeball, there were some unicorns, you know, the type of stuff that haunts your nightmares if you have too much sugar."
"Okay then… I was a bird once…"
"What?"
"Or Eugene picked the wrong mushrooms, I'm really not sure anymore."
"Okay, I'll tell you about my living snake hair if you tell me about being a bird."
"Done."
As night fell they were talking almost comfortably with each other once again. Varian had gone to stretch out on the floor of the Gondola, making himself as comfy as he could. He'd tried to offer Cassandra the big coat, but she'd refused. It hadn't taken them long at all to figure out that their shelter wasn't actually as wind or rain proof as they would have liked, but neither of them had thought it a good idea to venture out and take the fifteen minute journey into town, especially not when they had watched a tree felled by lightening through the window.
The light had almost entirely gone when Cassandra curled up on the bench, it was not so much to sleep, as to try and get warm. She knew that summer was almost over, but how could it possibly be this cold? And this freak storm, she had wondered aloud if it was natural, but Varian had just explained in a load of long words that she didn't understand that it was, something to do with northern winds and atmospheric pressures.
"Cassandra."
She rolled over to see Varian holding his arms open.
"Come here."
"No."
"I can see you shivering even from here. You know we'll both keep warmer if we stay close."
Cassandra turned back over, trying to ignore him.
"Cassandra, I can't bear the thought of you getting ill again."
Damn him, Cassandra thought, remembering how he'd been there for her when she had been sick. She knew that after everything he had done to try and get her well she owed it to him to not get ill again.
"Honestly." Varian continued. "It wasn't so bad when I found you in the woods, I mean, you were dying but… we hadn't seen each other in so long, but when your leg got infected again, the idea of losing you, when we'd become friends again." Varian sighed. " Please, I don't want you to get sick from the cold. Let me keep you warm."
Cassandra silently walked over, she laid down next to him. She could hear the steady thudding of his heart as he wrapped his arms around her, and with little tugs of fingers here and there he wrapped the coat, so it was cocooning them both. Soon she stopped shivering and her body started to feel light and drowsy.
Cassandra woke up to the sound of a heart beat beneath her ear, the rise and fall of gentle sleeping breathing. At sometime in the night she had turned to him, wrapped herself around him, whether unconscious or driven by a sudden desire to be close to him in a momentary wakefulness she did not know. Looking up at him now she could see the shadow of the teenage boy she had once known. It was in the point at the end of his nose, the light freckles across it's bridge. She smiled fondly to herself remembering the very obvious attempts to flirt with her, a strange mix between annoying and endearing. He'd come so far, but had she? She didn't see herself as all that much more different than when she had left Corona five years ago, and there was something wrong with that, she'd been travelling to find herself and her place in the world and she had found nothing. Until, that is, she'd arrived here, because something had changed within her since she had arrived here, hadn't it?
Why was she fighting this? The chance to wake up in somebodies' arms, feeling warm and cared for. The chance to have a connection with somebody, and not just anybody, Varian, the person who if she admitted it to herself meant the most to her in the whole world. And the chance to feel those lips against hers again, the chance of skin against skin, the chance of knowing that a person wanted you with that deep longing, that like hunger plays on the mind until it becomes all consuming.
"Oh, I can't fight this feeling any longer
And yet I'm still afraid to let it flow
What started out as friendship has grown stronger
I only wish I had the strength to let it show
I tell myself that I can't hold out forever
I said there is no reason for my fear
'Cause I feel so secure when we're together
You give my life direction
You make everything so clear
And I can't fight this feeling anymore
I've forgotten what I started fighting for
It's time to bring this ship into the shore
And throw away the oars, forever
My life has been such a whirlwind since I saw you
I've been running around in circles in my mind
And it always seems that I'm following you, Vare
'Cause you take me to the places
That alone I'd never find
And I can't fight this feeling anymore
I've forgotten what I started fighting for
And if I have to crawl upon the floor
Come crashing through your door
Varian, I can't fight this feeling anymore."
She reached her hand up to his face her fingertips brushing the tiny raised sunburst of scars just below his eyes, the jutting cheekbones, then down to the rough prickly stubble on his jaw line. They lifted for a moment before continuing feeling the soft silken strands of a lock of hair that had come loose from its leather thong and found its way to lie across his right eyes. The freckles along the bridge of his nose felt no different than the rest of his skin, and in the harsh morning sun she could see each and every one of the light brown dots. His top lip again was covered with a fine line of stubble. Her fingers hesitated, then they moved down to stroke across the plump dry bottom lip.
A hand caught hers. She startled as Varian's blue eyes opened and stared at her. He gave a warm sleepy smile. He gently tugged her hand upwards and pressed a light kiss to her inner wrist, she gasped at the gentle tingling sensation. Her breath was coming fast, she felt full of a nervous energy, and that place between her legs was making itself known with a gentle but insistent pulsing.
Varian raised himself up on his elbows and looked up at her, a gentle question in his eyes.
"I can't fight this feeling anymore." Cassandra confessed, her voice almost breaking.
He raised himself further, and grabbed her hips pulling her closer so she was in his lap with his chest pushed up against her. Their faces inches apart.
"Then don't."
She leaned in closer, her head tilted, her nose brushing his cheek. Varian didn't move, he was waiting for her, he was silently insisting that she make the first move. The instance their lips touched the tension broke. Varian's mouth closed over hers hungrily, one hand rested on the small of her back bringing her closer to him, the other wrapped into the small hairs at the nap of her neck.
His body was everywhere, strong taught muscles holding her, as she trembled with the intensity of his kisses, one, two, three, dozens quickly melding into one another. His hands in her hair were pulling her head back, revealing her throat to him, as his lips and teeth grazed down pausing and sucking deeply at the skin, the sharpness of pain mixed with pleasure, eliciting gasps from her as she dug her fingers into his shoulders.
Then again his lips were against hers, his hand resting against her throat, thumb against her jaw as his lips teased her mouth into opening, tongue claiming her, stealing the last of her breath, making her head spin. His hips suddenly bucked, and he gave a grunt against her mouth. It had been unintentional but here, her knees on either side of his, she had felt his excitement brush up against her. Hungrily she pushed her hips down trying to find that hardness, wanting to know about this untouched place of him, his length, his girth, the noises he would make if she touched him.
He was long, she could tell that even through the layers of fabric that separated them, not too thick, his manhood matched the rest of his body. His lips broke apart from hers as he stared at her, a slight look of bewilderment on his face. She didn't care if she was moving fast, despite her past experiences, she wanted him, she wanted that part of him, wanted to feel him between her legs and take him into her body. She reached up and cupped his cheek, her thumb resting on his parted bottom lip, feeling the slick saliva there as she deliberately ground her hips onto him. His head fell back, and he groaned. Emboldened she did it again, angling herself so that her most sensitive spot felt the drag of his hardness against it. His hands clutched at her hips, his fingers digging in, almost painfully, as he helped steer her movements. It felt so good, and yet not enough.
Cassandra was aware of a noise outside of the gondola, but as his lips found hers again she didn't care. Then suddenly he was pulling away from her. His eyes wide looking over her shoulder, she turned and jumped when she saw the gondola's door handle twisting.
Cassandra was instantly on her feet, scurrying across the gondola to where she had left her short sword the night before. She looked back to see Varian, poised at the ready with one of the purple immobilising balls ready in his raised hand.
Cassandra bent, widened her stance, pointed her sword and hoped to high heavens that if there was trouble her leg wouldn't give out. The door swung open, and for a second all Cassandra could do was stare at the diminutive form of a pretty young woman, there was something familiar about her but she couldn't quite place where she knew her from. Then it hit her.
"Faith!" Varian gasped.
Faith stared down demurely, her face blushed, refusing to meet his eyes, and in that moment he realized that she had seen everything. How long she had been stood outside the window, trying to build up the courage to come in he didn't know. What was she doing here? He physically shook himself, trying to ease his tense muscles. He shot a glance over his shoulder at Cassandra, she had lowered her sword and was giving him a questioning look. This was going to take some delicate manoeuvring. Firstly, he needed to make sure that Faith was only looking pale and trembly due to shock and not due to her actually being ill, he had no idea how she had got all the way from Corona to be standing there on this cliff edge with them, especially with the intensity of the storm last night.
He walked over to her and gently laid his hands on her shoulders, he spoke gently.
"Faith. What are you doing here?"
"You said you need somebody who would travel with you, to the other kingdoms if you were called onto help." Faith said quietly, a note of confusion in her voice.
Varian felt a sudden wave of guilt as he remembered their parting conversation. She had come out to bid him farewell on the palace steps, and he'd told her that they weren't a good match. That he didn't want somebody that would wait for him, he wanted somebody that would go with him. That she should find somebody that would stay in Corona. He had been trying to come up with a practical reason they couldn't be together, to save her from any pain or embarrassment that she didn't' deserve.
"Oh." He breathed. "But you didn't come on your own did you? Faith it's unsafe."
"No, King Fedrick sent some caravans of supplies. I came with the guards."
"That was very brave." Varian said. "I guess I underestimated you."
She looked up at him, and then with a glance over his shoulder she let out a shriek and started backing away.
"The witch."
Varian stared for a moment then turned around slowly. Cassandra was in the back of the gondola fixing her sword belt, obviously extremely hard to ignore the conversation that Varian was having with his Ex.
"The witch Cassandra."
Cassandra rolled her eyes.
"Cassandra is not a witch Faith." He looked over at Cassandra. "One moment."
"Uh hu." She answered refusing to look at him, oh gods, she was pissed off with him.
He led Faith out of the gondola, pulling her back when she tried to make a panicked run into the woods. How had he never realized how dramatic she could be?
"Cassandra is not a witch. She has no powers, and she is no longer inhabited by daemons." He explained patiently, keeping hold of her shoulders so as not to risk losing her and having to hunt around the woods, when he was already hungry and thirsty, and not a little damp from the morning dew.
"She is a witch Varian, don't you see?" Faith cried hysterically. "You were just under her spell. That's why you were with her."
Varian sighed, he had hoped that they would have made it back to the Citadel and had breakfast before having to talk about this.
"I guessed you'd seen that."
"I didn't know who she was, I couldn't see her face, but now I know, and it's not your fault, you're bewitched Varian."
"No, not bewitched. Just… just in love."
Faith's eyes widened, then filled with tears.
"You don't mean that Varian. You don't."
"Come on, let's go to the citadel. We need to have a talk, but first you've come a long way and you need to have a good hot meal and a rest."
The short journey over the ravine were some of the most awkward minutes of Varian's life. They all sat as far apart from each other as possible, nobody spoke, but Faith kept shooting him hurt looks, and staring with fear at Cassandra, who in turn kept rolling her eyes and readjusting her sword belt.
Varian could hear the light footsteps coming down the steps to his lab. He knew who it was, nobody else in the citadel was so slow, everybody else just bounded in whenever they pleased, nobody waited at the bottom of the steps seeking permission. How had never noticed that before, his labs, in which ever place they were situated were always open to his friends (unless he was doing something potentially dangerous, in which case he put a sign on the door). Yet, he'd had a rule against Faith disturbing him, she had never been allowed in his lab, it was his space, his domain, the places that she wasn't allowed to enter- yet everybody else was.
"Come in Faith." He said with a sigh, placing his pipet down and turning of his Bunson burner.
He watched her walk in, her eyes surveying the vials around her, hands held together in front of her as if she were frightened to touch anything.
"How are you're rooms?"
"Fine, not as nice as Corona, but then this place is a bit, rough."
"You're meant to be resting, that was a long journey. Have you eaten?"
"Yes."
"It did go okay didn't it? I mean the journey? It wasn't too much of a hardship on you." Varian asked still feeling guilty that she had made the trip there to see him.
"No."
"Good."
He looked back down at the papers in front of him, his formula for a thick gel that would explode into little balls of flame if it were heated. A weapon, one that he would hope would never be used, sometimes the threat and knowledge that some kingdoms held advanced weaponry was enough to keep peace when disagreements arose. He picked up his pencil to add a few notes, but a small tanned hand wrapped around his.
"You still care."
He gently pulled away from her.
"I do care Faith, but only because I would never wish any harm or discomfort to come to you."
She stepped forwards, her legs resting against his now, her chest at the level of his eyes as she stroked his hair. How many times in the past had he taken this comfort? How many times had he rested his head against the flat stomach as fingers massaged his scalp? Taken a moment of rest and peace in a busy day? No wonder she'd thought he was in love with her. To admit that the gesture had reminded him of his mouther would have been embarrassing, and to say that the reason he sometimes twirled her hair in his fingers was because it was almost the same shade as the mother who he had lost too young.
"You look tired, you've not been sleeping again have you? Or eating properly? You haven't had anybody here to take care of you."
"I'm a grown man Faith, I can take care of myself."
"Not as well as I can take care of you."
He sighed and stood up.
"Enough of this. You need to rest up, and then take the first caravan home."
"But I want to stay here with you, I don't care that it's not as nice as Corona."
"I did you a disservice Faith, telling you that we had to break up because you disliked travel."
"I have travelled, I don't like it but I can do it."
"I know, I underestimated you, but Faith, you don't have to travel for me."
"I know that sometimes you'll have to come here because they want your help rebuilding, but most of the time we'll be in Corona."
"Faith, there is no we. You must have realized that I broke up with you for more reasons than I gave."
"What did I do?" She said aghast.
"Nothing, absolutely nothing. You are amazing Faith, you're beautiful, you're loyal, you're very talented, and you have the patience of a saint. But, I just can't love you and appreciate you in the way that you deserve."
"I was happy though; I was happy with what you could give. I was happy that you loved me a little."
Varian looked down and sighed. He had wanted to spare her feelings, but it looked like it wasn't going to be possible.
"That's the thing Faith, I never did love you. I'm really sorry, I wanted to love you. If I were any other man I would have been able to, you are the kind of girl that's so easy to love, but I'm just not that person."
"You're only saying this because of her."
"Cassandra? No, I was feeling this way long before Cassandra turned up."
"Why do you love her?"
"I don't know, I just do." It was a lie, he could give a thousand reasons he loved her, but that wasn't going to help this conversation end anytime sooner.
"That's not love Varian, it's lust. She stepped towards him. You're a man, and all men have this problem Varian. It's unhealthy to stay unmarried past a certain age, you need the warmth of a woman."
Her hand was resting on his stomach between them. He felt a familiar anger rising. All the things people expected him to be, all the things people thought he should want, never understanding, never really listening, forcing him to live within the confines of their expectations when he craved the freedom to explore unhindered all that life and alchemy could offer him.
"You were just taken in by Cassandra because she gave you what your body craved, but it's Okay Varian, because I can give you that too."
She reached up and kissed him, as her hands slid downwards.
Varian froze, his muscles tensed, and he felt himself trembling with contained anger. He had to keep his temper in check, he knew what he was capable off if he didn't. He'd spent so many years learning how to control himself. He did not want to push her away, and risk her falling or hurting herself instead he kept his eyes open, staring down at her, his lips pursed in a stern frown, as she pulled away.
"You can bed me Varian, if that's what you need to come back to your senses, too come back to me."
He closed his eyes, tried to take a deep breath to steady himself. Her hand skirted to the material of his trousers, clumsily palming him. He gasped, and grabbed her hand pulling it sharply upwards unable to control himself any longer. He pulled her close, feeling a sick pleasure when he saw her eyes flash with a sudden fear.
"I could never feel that for you either." He said venomously. "Do you have any self-respect at all? To throw yourself at a man who has no interest in you. To come all this way without a hint that the person wants you. YOU DISGUST ME! Go home Faith, go home and get married to some baker or butcher boy and live your plain and ordinary life! Don't you ever dare to touch me again!"
"Varian." Eyes were filling with tears. "You're hurting me."
Varian pushed her away with force, causing her to stumble. She looked up at him from the floor with wide eyes, before getting up and fleeing.
For a long time he just stood in the centre of the room, feeling the anger as it coursed through his veins like a fire. He tried to calm himself, deep breaths, visualising flowing water, and eventually the tension left his body. He collapsed into his chair feeling a rise of guilt, he had been unnecessarily cruel. He'd failed at keeping his temper once again, that darkness in him, the cruelty, he knew it was always there, but it didn't come forth often these days. He sighed and put his head in his hands. There was darkness in him, he always had to be careful, he had just got so angry. It wasn't Faiths fault for walking in on him and Cass that morning, she'd just been at the wrong place at the wrong time, but he was angry at her for it.
Cassie that morning, her hips grinding into his, that friction, the way her head was tilted back, eyes closed, lips apart and glistening. The groan that she had made that had rumbled straight to his core, he had almost come undone just at that noise. She had almost been his. How could he ever want another woman after that? Every woman would pale in comparison to her sensuality.
He sighed, and closed his eyes, as his hand reached down to undo his belt.
He was heading to the kitchen when he saw familiar black locks heading down the hallway. He ran to catch up.
"Cassie, Can we talk?"
"Oh, you're not scared of the big bad witch."
"I'm not responsible for what other people think Cassandra, I have always stood up for you when I've heard that kind of thing."
Cassandra sighed.
"You're right, I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry that Faith interrupted us this morning."
She shot him a raised eyebrow.
"Okay, maybe I mean I'm sorry that Faith turned up unexpected."
"You told me that you two had broken up."
"We have." Varina said holding up his hands in an open gesture. "Or, I thought we had, I thought it was completely over but apparently I may have left some wiggle room."
Cassandra put her hands on her hip and stared at him.
"It's just, I had tried to spare her feelings and told her that It was because she didn't like to travel."
"So she travelled here to prove that she could and to win you back."
"Apparently."
Cassandra gave a small smirk.
"You know if it wasn't for the fact that she thinks I'm a witch who put you under some kind of lust spell, I might actually quite like her."
"Look, this morning."
"I think Faith interrupting us was for the best don't' you?" Cassandra said interrupting him.
Varian paused, he thought about it for a moment. That morning things were very heated, neither of them seemed to have it in their minds to stop anytime soon. He hadn't had any of his prophylactics on him, he'd never carried them around with him, there'd never been any point, but perhaps it was now time to. So, if things had gone the way they had seems to have been heading then Cassandra might have ended up pregnant. So, with that logic, it was for the best that Faith had interrupted them.
"I guess so."
He agreed.
Cassandra shrugged.
"Then there's nothing to talk about." She turned around to walk off again.
"Wait! Wait! Was that the wrong answer? Can I change my answer?"
Cassandra sighed.
"We will talk about it soon Varian, I have to find my Dad. Please, just be patient with me."
He stopped, patient, she wanted him to be patient. Well, it had been eight years since he'd first fallen for her, so he knew a little something about patience. He sighed.
"Okay Cass, I'll wait a little longer." He said with a sigh.
He watched her walk away when he was out of sight he started to berate himself.
"Stupid, stupid, stupid. Why am I always saying the wrong thing?"
"Are you okay?"
"Just contemplating my perpetual virginity." He said not looking to see who had spoken. Then realising he'd actually spoken out loud her turned around to see a woman standing looking at him in puzzlement, she was blacked skinned, with grey-brown eyes and shoulder length curly hair. She was just the perfect height.
"I could help with that."
What was it with all these women offering him sex today? Was he giving off some different pheromones?
"I'm umm.. you are very beautiful, but.. I maybe sort of taken."
"Okay, well if you change the mind, just ask for Kitty."
"Uh.. I'm just going to go now."
"Something is different about you Cassandra."
John said as they sat across from each other in the library eating lunch as it was now their habit to do.
"I have a limp."
"You know that's not what I'm talking about."
"You don't have to worry Dad, I'm not being followed around by any daemons and I'm not planning on overthrowing any kings."
"You know I was not talking about that either Cassandra. Why are you avoiding this conversation?"
"Hey, you were the one who taught me all my evasive manoeuvres."
"Is it because you're uncomfortable with Frank?"
"No! No, Dad, I'm happy you're with Frank. Honestly. He makes you happy, and I really like him."
"Okay, that's good. For a while after you left us I wondered if you were feeling a little put out. You and I, we always just had each other."
"Why did you adopt me?" She blurted; it had been playing on her mind ever since Varian had found that book.
"Is that's what's bothering you?"
"No, it's just, lately I've been trying to make sense of everything, who I am, where I came from, where I'm going next."
"I was alone. I was desperate for somebody to love, and to take care of. It didn't all fall into place at once. That night when your mother abandoned you, we thought she'd come back, try and find you. You were to be a bargaining chip, her true child for the one she stole, but as time went on we realized she was never coming. You were kept in the castle, below stairs, the King and Queen, they had just lost their child and for a while couldn't bear to see you, not that any blame was ever put on you. The maids looked after you, and I used to check on you every day after work. Every day I would spend a little time with you, reading you books or playing with a little dolly you had."
A smile spread across her father's face as he remembered those simple times from her childhood.
"After a while I started to realize that in your short life you had never really been properly loved or taken care of. You were so young, but so stoic, and you already had such a sense of duty. I saw so much of myself in you. I started to think to myself, she could be my daughter. Then the idea started in my head that you needed somebody to take care of you, and I needed somebody to take care of, maybe you really could be my daughter. One day, I just went to talk to King Fredrick about you, and about how we needed to decide on what to do with you, and that night you came home with me. You were my daughter, and I never once looked back or regretted that decision. I needed you as much as you needed me, probably more if I am honest. Many men like me, can rise to the occasion with a woman, have a family, hide their desires for other men, but I never could. I could never have had my own child, you were, are, such an unexpected blessing in my life."
Cassandra smiled and reached across the table to take his hand.
"I love you Dad."
"Now, Cass, if that wasn't what was bothering you, then what is?"
"If there's a prize for rotten judgement,
I guess I've already won that
No man is worth the aggravation
That's ancient history, been there, done that."
"I've heard it said
That people come into our lives
For a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led to those
Who help us most to grow if we let them
And we help them in return."
"I thought my heart had learned its lesson
It feels so good when you start out
My head is screaming "Get a grip girl
Unless you're dying to cry your heart out"
"Cassie."
She jumped in shock at the familiar nickname.
"You called me Cassie."
"Did I? I'm sorry, slip of the tongue. Now, my child, let us speak plainly, what is it that's wrong?"
"Dad, I think I'm in love with somebody that I shouldn't be."
The Captain sighed and put his head in his hands.
"Well, it was going to happen one day."
"Yeah." She answered.
"A woman?"
"No. Just, not a good choice."
"Why not?"
"I guess that nobody would be a good choice for me. I am not really the settling down type. But he's more of a bad choice than the rest because he is so much younger than me."
"How much younger?"
Cassandra rolled her eyes slightly; she didn't want to give too much away.
"Okay then, well, if he's an adult and capable of making his own choices..."
"Of course he's an adult, and of course he's capable."
"Cassandra, let me ask you this. Men frequently take wives that are a decade or even two younger than them. It does not often cause much of a stir. If you're ages were reversed, and he was the one who was older than you, do you think anybody would comment?"
"It's not just age though, it's background."
"Almost everybody in this town has a history Cassandra, including you. It's time to put the past firmly in the past. Now, you've given me the reasons you shouldn't love him, what are the reasons you do?"
"Dad, this is embarrassing."
"Cassandra, I'm in love with a man, who by the way is a decade younger than me. And you have seen it all play out, more than I would have wished you to see anyways."
Cassandra blushed at the memory.
"Are we really going to keep on hiding from each other the fact that we are capable of having feelings?"
"You're getting soft in your old age."
"Enough with the evasive manoeuvres! Why are you in love with him Cassandra?"
"I said might be."
"Cassandra!"
"Because he sees me, he's always seen me. He is willing to put up with the sarcastic and the dark side. He dousn't care that I am stronger than him, like some men do. Because..." Cassandra takes a big breath. "Because he made me feel safe when I was at my most vulnerable, and because he's funny, and clever, and kind."
"Cassandra, don't be afraid to take the chance on a man who makes you feel safe and seen."
He walked around the table and kneeled next to her bringing her into a hug.
"But Dad, I've never really.. I don't know where to go next. I don't know what I can offer him. I don't want this life." She said waving her hands around to take in the citadel and the town.
"What life do you want Cassandra?"
"I don't know." She said against his shoulder.
"Well, all I can do Is keep being here for you while you figure it out. And Cassandra, I do not like him."
"What? Who?" She said looking up at him.
"Varian, I don't like him because he is cleverer than everybody else and he thinks the usual rules don't apply to him."
"When did you know?" She asked.
"The first time I saw you together, in the woods, he had pushed you behind him and was stood there protecting you from danger. Then the next night, you were all dressed up, and the boy couldn't take his eyes off you."
"But, how did you know I liked him?"
"Because if you didn't you would have put him in his place."
Cassandra gave a small laugh.
"Yeah, I guess I would have."
"I wish it was a woman, I wouldn't have minded that nearly as much, but it really dousn't matter if I don't like him, because at the end of the day Cassandra, if he is the one you choose, I accept that. I have seen him with you from a distance, I have seen him be kind, and patient, and gentle, so maybe, when you tell me you trust him, I could learn to trust him too. In time."
"I haven't made any choice yet Dad."
He nodded.
"You will have to soon. "
"I know."