Day 100 – Lighthouse Recovery Room
I was mad…real mad…super mad! Simmons said I had to stay in bed and be still for five whole days. FIVE DAYS! The first couple weren't too bad cuz I mostly slept and got more butt shots cuz everything hurt so much. But today I am awake and so MAD. At least she let me sit up instead of having me stare at the ceiling. I think I counted every crack in it.
Staying in bed is bad enough but not being able to use your arms is h-e-l-l. I couldn't even play checkers and telling the other guy where to move your piece is just dumb. I mean the game 'sposed to be the other guy doesn't know what you're doing. So? Dumb! Cards were out too because I couldn't hold them. Mack tried to help but it was more like watching him and Yoyo play than actually playing. Again it was just too dumb. Yoyo got skusted with my attitude or as she said "actitud de cabreado". That means pissed off in Spanish. I'm gonna remember that cuz it is exactly how I feel. Mack just smiled and said maybe they needed some fresh air. I'm starting to think that is another way of saying they need to get away from me.
Nothing was interesting. Nothing was fun and I WAS MAD!
I guess that was why I was being such a snotty little ass. I was yelling at everybody and telling them I didn't want to play or listen or talk or anything. I kicked the nurse person twice and knocked the lunch tray right out of her hand and on the floor. She told May it was an accident but I don't think she believed it. I hated having to be fed like a baby. Being a kid was bad enough. Now I was an infant. I couldn't even pick up a sandwich or get a drink.
And don't even ask about using the bathroom.
That was the worst cuz someone had to get me there and do everything for me…not that I got any more clothes than this dumb splint shirt dumb thing. And that made me more mad and May laughed and said I wouldn't be tempted not to listen and to go traipsing around in my birthday suit. I was so mad all the stuff on the counters started jiggling til May just looked at me and I made it stop but I looked at her the same way and she said I was lucky to be in this dumb splint – 'or else.' Yeah, I knew what that meant and HA! I could do what I wanted and she couldn't do anything about it cuz I was a poor hurt kid that didn't know what I was saying. It was probably the medicine or the pain. That's what Simmons said anyway when she saw that May was about to pop.
It worked for a while and May kinda understood, specially when Coulson told her the same thing. Then he told her to 'get some air' which means take a break. Coulson brought some books and said I could pick any of them then he'd read but I didn't want to do that hear it. I didn't care about wizards or dragons or superheroes or any dumb thing that wasn't even real even if he did tell me some stuff about New York that he never told anybody else. I DID NOT CARE! So he sat with me for a long time and didn't really get mad when I was all sarcastic and super rotten. He told me some dumb jokes and tried to get me to laugh but I didn't feel like it and I told him so he started singing this dopey song about birds losing their feathers and walking around in underwear. Not even that made me even smile…not even a little. I was being such a stink rotten brat I didn't know how he could stand me and….right! I DID NOT CARE! But when he said that maybe I needed a little alone time I was pretty sure it was his way of saying he needed some fresh air which of course meant he needed to get out. I didn't care.
Then that dumb dopey nurse or whatever she was…probably some stupid lab tech that got the short straw said she was gonna bring me some dinner. I screamed NOOOOOOO as loud as I could. I hoped the whole level heard…hell I hoped the whole Lighthouse heard me so nobody would try to bring me one bit of food. Not one thing, not even a cracker, nothing, until I could eat it by myself…with no help…alone.
Jemma came and tried to tell me I needed to calm down. She said maybe we could have some nice soup that I could sip with a straw. Damn it! Somebody would still have to hold it. I screamed at her and kicked my feet so much my arms tingled and the bed shimmered just a little…but I don't think she noticed cuz she was too busy trying to stop me and remind me I needed to be still and I might hurt myself. I told her I didn't care then I told Jemma to shut up and leave me alone. And while we were havin' that dumb argument some dopey person who definitely could not hear brought in a food tray. I screamed 'no' again and she got a big surprise cuz I trembled it right out of their hands. Everything went bouncing all over the floor…cups and plates and silverware and even those stupid bendy straws that I never EVER want to see again. Nobody knew I was doing little quakes…well almost nobody. Little quakes don't hurt. I just have to think them so they aren't dangerous. For a minute I wondered if that would crack my skull or my brain but, ya know what? I didn't care! Nope not one teeny little bit…because when I did it the mad got let out.
But having May come in the room right at that time…that was real dangerous…suicide dangerous. She was the 'almost nobody' who always knew just what the hell I was doing. Specially if it was something like this. I thought about it for a second then I thought about the door instead and made it slam so hard the intercom thingie fell right off the wall. All the wires poked out and sparked a little then kinda died.
Everybody stopped and stared at it.
Except May.
She just looked at me with that one eyebrow up just a little and told the lab person to give her the room, even though she was trying to clean up the mess. Simmons tried to make excuses again but May just shot her one of those 'looks' and Jemma snapped her mouth shut like somebody flipped a switch. I just looked at both of them with mean eyes, like I was daring them to do something. May said she'd heard enough and told Simmons she needed to leave. Jemma shook her head and said maybe that wasn't a good idea. May said it was a worse idea to stay and that we needed some privacy. Simmons kinda got nervous and said she shouldn't do anything thing drastic. May just gave her one of those mean little smiles, grabbed her elbow and walked her to the door. Jemma tried to say something else but May just kinda moved her out, then she closed the door real quiet and walked over to the big window that everybody looked into from the lab and pulled the curtain over it. I really didn't think she'd do anything, specially since I was a wounded agent and s'posed to be still but…
But all that quiet quaking must have cracked my brain a little cuz…I didn't care. So I just made my eyes little slits and stared at her staring at me. I was gonna scream again but she came real close to me and asked me what the hell I thought I was doing.
For a minute I didn't say anything. I didn't think either cuz my brain was still cracking. But I squeezed my hands into almost fists and told her I was in hell so why shouldn't I act like a demon. I told her I couldn't stand it anymore.
May doesn't do real well when you give her answers like that. So she took a big breath and pointed a finger right at me. I wasn't scared…yet…even though she was talking right through her teeth. I couldn't help staring at them. Definitely a big warning…that I stupidly ignored.
She said she and everyone else had enough of my tantrums. She said it was over…today…right this second. I didn't care and I told her I didn't. She said I better start caring or face the consequences. So I told her again that I didn't care.
I just stared at her for a couple seconds and breathed real fast. I couldn't think of anything to say so I just told her again that I did not care and asked her if she understood that.
She told me I was pushing my luck.
So I just started screaming and kicking my feet and yelling every swear word I ever heard. I think I even made up some. I was screaming so loud my throat hurt and I didn't care. I told her I didn't care over and over cuz it was bad luck anyway and she just stood there with her arms over her chest staring at me. I stopped and didn't even take a breath. I just made a big HUFF real loud and wished I could put my arms over my own chest.
She asked me if I was done.
I wasn't.
And that made me even more mad.
So I kicked some more and screamed even louder and I told her I was damn stinkin' flippin' mad and this whole thing was damn stupid and I didn't give a flying fu…
I didn't get to finish and I guess she didn't care that I had to be still cuz she flipped me over so fast that the room spun. Then she swatted my butt a whole bunch of times, plopped me back where I was and threw the blanket back over me. I wasn't screaming anymore. I think I was in shock, cuz like she just whacked my butt and I was all injured. It took a couple seconds for the swats to get to my brain and to get my mouth to close. Damn! That stung. A second later the tears just busted out but I was crying because everything was just so frustrating and I didn't know what else to do. I was sorry and I wasn't. I was mad and I wasn't. I wanted to yell some more and tell her it wasn't fair…none of it was fair. And I was crying even more, not cuz I got my butt smacked but because it was just…just everything...I was just everything. I was mad and sad and frustrated and scared and I felt like crap. And my butt really stung and maybe it made my brain stop cracking cuz I didn't want to scream anymore. I didn't want to be mad anymore.
I just wanted my mom.
I just wanted my mom not to be so mad at me…like I was mad at everybody.
My feelings were all tangled in a knot and it was coming apart real fast. So was the crying.
That didn't help or make it better, but it let some of the feelings out that I couldn't hold on to anymore.
I think May knew because next thing she was hugging me and just letting me cry. She talked real quiet and shushed me and kissed my head. She said it sucked being on the disabled list but it was part of the process and that I just had to hold on a couple more days. She knew it wasn't easy. She said she knew how I felt but I couldn't keep abusing the people who cared about me. Yeah, she said she knew it wasn't fair but being a little bitch wasn't fair either. I just nodded, cuz she was right. I don't know how long I cried but my stomach was hurting and my eyes were all puffy and my nose was all runny and I couldn't even use a tissue. I sniffed a lot until May got some Kleenex and told me to blow.
Simmons came with some real cold Ginger Ale that tasted so good and made my stomach feel better. My breath was kinda hiccuppy so I couldn't really talk. But Jemma smiled at me like she was sorry about everything. I tried to tell her I was sorry for being such a rotten patient and then started crying again. That was not good cuz it made Jemma cry too. She hugged me and let me drink more Ginger Ale.
Coulson came running in all frazzled cuz he heard something was wrong in med bay and he saw everyone crying and thought something bad happened. He was kinda pale until May told him it was a matter of putting some things in perspective. He breathed a big breath and shook his head then he hugged me too.
I think all the hugging was putting things back together and helping me get my feelings back there too. And well getting my butt warmed probably did too. I guess it was like when somebody is all hysterical and somebody else smacks them across the face. May says you never hit a kid in the face when there's a much better place. Ha, ha! Anyway, she only smacked me twice…it just felt like a whole bunch.
I heard someone clear their throat and everyone looked at the door. It was Nai Nai.
She finally came to see me.
Day 100 – late afternoon – Grandmother's advice
Lian stood in the doorway merely staring at the small group gathered around Daisy's bed. She took a step into the room and waited a moment for someone to speak. When they did not, she stepped to the foot of the bed and glared at the small girl within. Looking from then face her daughter to the young doctor and then to Philip Coulson she turned back to the girl but addressed the group.
"I would like to speak with my granddaughter." She spoke softly.
"Of course," Simmons smiled.
Coulson nodded.
Daisy sniffled.
May discretely shook her head. She leaned closer to her child, gently wiping her nose then dabbed her tears away.
Lian waited a few moments then breathed, "privately."
Simmons coughed a bit in an attempt to cover the blush that quickly flooded her cheeks. Coulson opened his mouth to object but was silenced by a glance from May. Daisy looked quickly to her parents. May gave a small smile and kissed the little girl's forehead.
"We'll be right outside." She assured her, then followed the others out the door closing it behind her.
For a few moments grandmother and granddaughter stared at each other. Neither speaking nor flinching.
Lian gave a rare almost smile. "That was a very bold move." She began, "very stupid, but bold none the less."
Daisy gave a failed attempt at shrugging her shoulders.
Lain wrapped her fingers around the bed rail and shook her head every so slightly. "It is always wise to use words, sunnu. More so in this case."
"I s'pose." Daisy mumbled averting her gaze to the light blanket that covered her.
"Can you not look me in the eye, child?" Lian posed. "I think we owe each other that. Do you not?"
Daisy started to shrug but quickly replied. "Yes, ma'am."
"Better," Lian commended as she moved to the side of the bed.
"I was all mad cuz I have to stay here in bed and not do anything. May said I was having tantrums." The child spoke directly to the women in a very small voice.
"I suspect she has put an end to that, but I was referring to your actions during the rescue mission a few days ago." Lian corrected. "I believe that is what brought all of us to this point."
Daisy chewed her lip for a moment. She nodded her understanding. "I'm sorry I got you all captured." She let out in one breath.
"I am sure you had little to do with what happened." Lian assured her. "Perhaps I should apologize for not suspecting my friend's receptionist of being a whistle blower."
Daisy scrunched her eyebrows in confusion.
Lian tapped a finger on the mattress. "The woman felt you were in danger. She telephoned the number broadcast on the news channels and in doing so alerted Hale and her cohorts to your location."
Daisy nodded her understanding. "But you still got caught cuzza me. Is that why you didn't come til now? Were you mad?"
"I have no reason to be angry, child. I believe I am free because of you." Lian nodded. "It was you that disengaged the lock on my cell. Was it not?"
"I didn't want them to hurt you. You're May's mom. She wouldn't like it." The little girl shook her head.
"I am twice as sure she would not approve of your being hurt as well. Yet, here we are." Lian nodded toward the girl's splint.
"Yeah," Daisy agreed. "The stupid part, right?"
"Melinda tells me you have been warned about using this power you have inherited. Did you not understand?" Lian inquired.
Daisy nodded. "Of course, I did." She squeaked. "But those guys were gonna shoot Coulson and probably everybody else. I guess I just didn't think about it. I just did it."
"Lucky for us, then," Lian assured her. "And for doing so you now pay the price."
Daisy let a fluttery breath over her lips. "I guess."
"For every action there is a reaction and in most cases some consequence." Lian explained. "Even if that action is to do the right thing. There are many who would not make such a sacrifice."
"Sacrifice?" Daisy suddenly remembered the catechism drilled into her as a child.
Lian tapped her finger. "It may be good for the soul but perhaps not so much for the body."
"I didn't think it would be this bad. It was never before." The little girl did the explaining this time. "I had some cool gauntlets that Fitz made for me." She took a breath and shook her head. "But May won't let him make kid sized ones."
"That is probably for the best. You are much smaller I suspect and would need much more protection." Lian pointed out.
Daisy smiled and even gave a small laugh. "Yeah, like a knight."
"Yes," Lian agreed. "More than likely it would make movement very difficult."
Daisy giggled a tiny bit imagining herself in full armor, visor and all. "I bet Fitz could make it so I could do just about anything. He's a genius you know."
"So I have been told." Lian nodded. "And I would suspect you would find a way. You are quite persistent and very much like my Melinda. Quite fearless, I would also suspect."
"But she's not stupid," Daisy mumbled into her chest.
"She was not always the bad ass you see today." Lian smiled a bit more. "She had her share of very stupid moments."
Daisy's brows went high as she looked at her grandmother, amazed at the language as well as the statement. Boy, she was sure grandma had some tales to tell. Then again she probably was sworn to secrets no one would ever get out of her. It didn't matter though. No matter what kind of bad girl shenanigans (she used Jemma's words) May got into she was the best, the absolute very best. And Nai Nai was great too, just a bit older.
"I want to be just like her." Daisy admitted, then added quickly, "and you."
Lian reached out and gently squeezed the little girl's toes. "I believe you already are, sunnu."
"Not today," Daisy frowned. "I've been a real pain to everybody today."
"Hmmm," Lian pondered the girl's statement. "Your behavior in the past few days has been a topic of conversation throughout this base." She eyed the girl accusingly then folded her arms over her chest. "A real pain in the ass, I believe. I am sure your mother agrees."
Daisy felt her cheeks flush. She looked down at her fingers that she could just wriggle without causing pain. Grandma was referring to more than one thing…she was sure.
"I would have done the same. Frustration and boredom are not license for anyone to exhibit such appalling behavior, neither is pain." Lian seemed to lecture.
"Sometimes it's hard." Daisy argued.
Lian grinned. "I am sure you know that many things are just as hard."
Daisy nodded. "It's easier to just lose it when you're a kid."
"Are you?" Lian wondered as if she already knew the answer.
"I…" Daisy hesitated, not knowing how to answer. "I didn't used to be."
"We all used to be children." Lian smiled.
"Yeah," Daisy huffed. "Then we grew up. Problem is I got recycled."
"Interesting way to describe it," Lian almost chuckled. "I believe you are a child only in appearance."
"That's what makes it so hard. Everybody just sees the kid and sometimes my brain just thinks kid thoughts and I get so mad at myself." Daisy explained some more.
"I agree it must be difficult and as I said before many things are. You have overcome a lot of changes. I am sure this is not the worst." Lian surmised.
"It's s'posed to be temporary but it's been a whole hundred days and I'm still…" She merely looked down at her small self.
"It does no good to feel sorry for yourself, yǒnggǎn de yī." Lian tsked.
Daisy looked up quickly. "I'm not brave…just stupid." She sighed.
"There is a very thin line between the two. I am sure you know the difference." Lian reminded her. "I am sure it is one of the first lessons you were taught."
"I'm not a real good student." Daisy shook her head. "I never was. But I'm good at stupid."
"More self pity." Lian clucked. "You do not wear it well."
"I don't feel sorry. I feel angry." Daisy explained. "I guess that's not a lot better."
Lian shook her head. "There is little difference and neither will gain any benefit. My mother used to say, rúguǒ nín zài bàofēngyǔ zhōng xìngcún xiàlái, qǐng bùyào bèi yǔshuǐ dǎrǎo."
Daisy scrunched up her nose.
"You have survived the storm, sunnu. You should not be upset with the rain. Even if it is a downpour." Lian explain.
"Yeah, but I got this whole dumb chance to do everything over, to make it right. I was a rotten kid the first time…nobody ever wanted me." Daisy sighed. "I'm not doing any better this time. Just making the same dumb mistakes but it's worse cuz now I'm hurting people I really…really care about." She almost laughed at how stupid that sounded.
"Melinda never spoke of the child she lost but she speaks very highly of the child she's found." Lian assured her. "Not only of this little one," she pointed to the little girl. "But the woman she became and will be again. I am sure of that."
"But look at me. I'm always messing things up and getting in trouble and making her mad and doing dumb stuff like breaking all my bones smashing bad guys through a wall." The little girl's voice cracked.
"And as an adult you would not do these things?" Lain raised her brows ever so slightly.
Daisy thought for a moment, a long moment about some of the things she'd done in the last one hundred days and a lot of what she'd done before that. She really wasn't that great at following rules or orders for that matter. If she thought doing something risky…or stupid…was a better idea she was more than likely to do it with or without permission. Mostly it was because she thought with her feelings instead of her head. That was not a great trait for a spy. All the dumb stuff she did after Lincoln and Hive and Afterlife and in the Fitzwork…every dumb move she made that they all seemed to forgive just rolled around in her little kid brain like it was someone else that did it. It never really occurred to her, as an adult, how much she angered or frightened May and Coulson, not to mention the rest of her 'family'.
"Well…I guess I would but…" she hesitated.
"But?" Lian urged.
"I was grown up then. I could do what I wanted." Daisy shrugged her chin.
"And that made it alright." Lian suggested.
"No," Daisy disagreed. "Just different."
"Because your parents' approval did not matter."
"No," Daisy shook her head. "I didn't know they were my parents."
"I believe your feelings existed long before your knowledge." Lian stated calmly.
Daisy looked away. How could the grandmother she'd just met know how and what she felt years ago? Of course that wasn't the weirdest thing she'd ever experienced but it was baffling.
"It mattered." She mumbled without looking back. "It always mattered." She barely whispered.
She felt Lian lightly squeeze her foot. "As you have always mattered to them." When Daisy looked back she continued. "Melinda would often speak to me of the young agent she mentored. The admiration in her voice was much more than that of merely a superior officer. She spoke more like a proud parent."
Daisy blinked away unwanted tears. She'd loved May as a mother for longer than she remembered. The nagging doubt in the back of her mind through all of the Jiaying stuff was that love trying to warn her. As usual she was stupid and ignored those warnings. Coulson she never doubted. She knew beyond a doubt he thought of her as a daughter even before he knew he did. She loved him even more because of it.
"Philip beams with his pride in you. It is apparent to anyone who knows you both."
Daisy shook her head. "How…" She began.
"You are easy to read, sunnu." Lian grinned.
Letting out a soft sigh, Daisy let her head drop back against the raised mattress. "It doesn't matter anyway. Hale's creeps…they'll never stop trying to put all of us in jail forever."
"That, young one, is no longer a problem." Lian nodded. "I've contacted a few friends who have agreed to contain both Hale and her superior in maximum security at an undisclosed location for an infinite amount of time. They won't be causing problems for anyone." She patted the little girl's knee. "And you have no reason to worry."
"You…" Daisy began as once again her brows reached for her hairline.
"Have many connections in many places that will never be found." Lian smiled. "And because of that a plane is being readied for me to transport those prisoners far from here."
"You're leaving?" Daisy asked, the disappointment showing in her tone.
"In my line of work it is not wise to stay in one place very long." Lian informed her.
Daisy nodded. "Will I see you again?"
"I am sure." Lian grinned. "You will know how to find me. I'm sure we will have much to share."
"But…" Daisy hesitated. "But what if…what if I'm still…"
"You will always be who you are, sunnu. But you must remember that the person who returns from the journey is not the same as the one who left." She squeezed the little girl's foot again then turned and moved toward the door.
"Nai Nai," Daisy called after her.
Lian stopped but did not turn around.
"Thank you. I'm glad we got to meet."
Giving a quick nod, Lian exited the room without another word.