Severus twitched his nose while situating in the classroom on Friday and breathed. He had all weekend to sort out the dungeons and begin the last half of the school year. This last full moon was beyond difficult and likely pushed Ron harder than he meant. He hated himself, and he loathed his new friend. Farkas.
You don't need to like me, Severus. I'm here, always.
He grimaced and swished his wand, cleaning the last of the tables. Difficult. Complex. Distracting.
We already went over how to fix this.
"Knock, knock," Harry's voice entered the space.
Severus jerked and glanced over at the smiling auror. "Afternoon, Harry."
"I brought you a few things and thought we could go to dinner tonight after all," Harry declared as he walked into the classroom while looking around.
Severus grunted as he cleaned the board with a swipe and moved toward the office. Harry followed as the pensive werewolf wandered through the room to the hidden door. It led to Severus Snape's quarters, where he grumbled to himself and began to unbutton his robes.
"Well, you're in a cheery mood," Harry voiced as he took out a pack of cigarettes.
When Severus turned around, he caught the pack in the air and nimbly unwrapped it. "Wretched, disgusting habit," he moaned.
"How was your dinner last night? Was Narcissa pleasant?" Harry questioned as Severus lit his smoke with his wand.
Snape took a long puff before blowing it out. "She thinks we should get together after Lucius leaves for Somerset."
Harry twitched his nose and sat down on the pristine sofa. "I suppose that's better than sulking about you-know-who."
"Lucius, the stiff prick he is, doesn't mind the cuckold occasionally, and Narcissa was always pleasant," Severus mused before dragging another breath from his cigarette.
"Blaise did say it's important to keep a healthy routine," Harry remarked as he relaxed.
Severus moved to the cabinet with the cigarette between his lips and pulled out two glasses. He poured the liquor into the glasses before putting the bottle back. "Routine," Snape grumbled and went to sit down next to Harry.
Harry took the glass and tapped Snape's before lifting it. "Cheers."
"Harry, how is she?" Severus questioned.
"You were doing so well, Severus," Harry groaned.
Snape puffed on his cigarette before ashing it in the tray and humming. "Is she still fucking that werewolf?"
"I told you, they're not together," Harry voiced as he sipped the glass again.
Snape shifted his white shirt before drinking from his glass. "Well, she's lying."
"Even if she is, it's not our business," Harry voiced.
The Potions Master scrubbed his face before pressing the cigarette to his lips. "She should at least let me see her."
"It's difficult for her too, Severus. You have to let this go," Harry sighed. "Are you ready to go to dinner?"
"I don't want to tonight," he grumbled before snuffing the smoke out in the tray.
Harry twitched his nose and breathed. "Come on. It's going to be a good night. I know for a fact that the dinner was crafted just for you."
"Yes, and I'm the charity case, Harry. 'Poor, foolish, Severus Snape. Ruined the only thing in his life that was remotely redeeming about him.' Would you want to be their misguided fool?" Snape growled as he glowered down at his drink.
Harry breathed and nodded. Over the long months, he had all shades of Severus. He had the cruel and angry, the remorseful and devastated, the slightly positive, and also the bitter arse. This wasn't new, nor was it thrilling, but Harry remained nonetheless.
"If you just come," Harry started.
"Fine, feed me to them like honey spun hard candies. I will be their werewolf to celebrate and pin badges on. I'll replace Lupin if I must," Snape grumbled before draining his glass.
"Good," Harry nodded.
Severus walked into the sitting room of the Burrow and cringed at the scents of the house. He never once thought his lack of heightened smell would have been a blessing, but it was as he recalled the bliss. Old houses held more smells, and this was fragrant and lived in home.
Harry sat down next to Ginny just as an arm tugged on Snape. "Snape! Oh, it's so nice to see you!" Pansy screamed with relief as she pulled him.
The Potions Master inwardly groaned as the bushy-haired witch was nearly dragging him over to the sofa next to Ron. "Good evening."
"Would you please tell my wife it's normal to want to bloody sleep in?" Ron asked with a scrunched nose.
Severus hated the fact that he was the wizard they addressed for their problems, but it was somewhat his fault.
Our fault, Severus.
Yes, our fault. We were the leader they looked up to, and unfortunately for Severus, he had to comply. He never saw himself as a leader of anything in particular. He enjoyed being at the back of the classroom and laughing at the fools who raised their hand incessantly trying to prove something. Making an effort to show their knowledge and worthiness. He missed that she still applied such in her day today.
"It is normal," Severus finally spoke as he realized the group was patiently waiting.
"I don't know about you, but Harry was able to get up still and change the baby, regardless of sleep deprivation," Ginny voiced with a smirk at her brother.
"Shove it," Ron grumbled.
"Oh, good, Severus made it," Arthur declared as he exited the room nearby. "Molly will be pleased."
"Severus is here?" Molly asked from the kitchen.
The surprise on her face wasn't mistaken as she wandered into the room. Severus glared over at Harry, who shrugged. Ginny twitched her nose and moved to get up, but Harry stopped her.
"Don't worry, the children are fine," Harry pressed.
Harry Potter was hiding something. Clearly. Severus shifted on the seat, and Ron nudged him.
"You want a drink or pop outside with me for a smoke?" Ron asked.
Severus shook his head.
"Ronald Weasley, it's too early to be promoting a drink. Hermione said it isn't healthy for you to drink without food," Molly tutted and stomped back into the kitchen.
"Let me go, help mum," Ginny insisted.
"No, I can, dear," Harry said as he climbed from the love seat.
Dear? The fuming frustration that was building off of Ginerva Potter was peppered with spite. Harry dodged the glare and went into the kitchen, Arthur soon following, but not without gazing at Snape.
"Oh, he's in trouble," Pansy laughed.
"Bloody right he is," Ginny grumbled.
Ron, who was stuffing his face with the brownies on the table, swallowed. "What'd Harry do?"
He was soon answered when the front door swung open, and a teenager by the name of Edward Lupin raced into the room. Edward was surprisingly decent at potions at Hogwarts and a pleasant dispositioned boy. He was nearly always smiling and had a book in hand. His participation as a chaser on the Hufflepuff team drew a negative for Severus, but only out of personal affiliation.
"Good evening, Aunts, Uncles," Teddy declared as he made his rounds to hug them.
The door shut, and Severus's nose worked overtime. Lavender. He glanced over at the door to see her standing with a stunned expression and pain inking into her features.
"Andromeda didn't feel like bringing him today, Hermione?" Ginny asked as she moved to greet her.
"No, she was feeling ill," Hermione finally spoke as she met Ginny.
"Are you alright? Want me to bring Teddy by later?" Ginny whispered into Hermione's ear.
Severus could hear it, and so could Ron, but the Weasley was a bit denser. Likely to everyone's benefit but Hermione's. "Oi, get in here, Hermione. You gotta tell us about how the lessons have been going with Zabini's family."
"Aunt Hermione is the greatest witch ever to walk the world," Teddy smiled. "My dad always did say she was the brightest witch of her age."
Hermione breathed and patted Ginny's shoulder before approaching the lanky Lupin. "And he was the wisest man I ever knew. Your mother was just as smart as me, though, so don't let anyone lie to you," She beamed and embraced the boy.
"Granger, Zabini was telling me you both are plotting a trip to Paris to visit his mother soon," Pansy smirked as Hermione lingered next to the boy.
It was likely a shielding that Severus could note. She needed something to ground her, and the defensive posture she took only exasperated it. Her anguish and pain was a smell that Severus loathed with his entire being.
Oh, how we destroy those we love most, Severus.
Farkas was laughing at him. A cruel toothy grin that rang in the Potions Master's head.
"Yes, it's part of the training. If I can apply a proper procedure, I'll be implementing the training for the other advocates this year," Hermione sighed as she rubbed Teddy's shoulder.
"That must be pleasant to know you're making such stellar changes. Sounds a bit like Sirius and what he wished for Remus actually," Ron nodded before reaching for another brownie.
Hermione breathed and kissed Teddy's temple. "Yes, well, all we can do is try."
"Where's my boy?" Molly asked as she came out and smiled.
"Gran! I missed you!" Teddy exclaimed as he raced over to greet her.
Molly embraced him tightly and groaned. "You're growing like a weed! You're almost as tall as your father was!" She responded and pulled him away to smile. "Now, I have some biscuits just out of the oven, and your cousins are all up making a mess in the attic. Let's get you some tea while I ask you about classes."
When they left the room, Ginny moved to touch Hermione before sitting.
"He does resemble his father at Hogwarts," Severus finally spoke.
"He's a good kid, that one. Likely the best thing that happened to this family after the war," Ron agreed and nudged Severus.
Hermione twitched her nose and shifted in place. "Drom sends her regards," she murmured.
"Funny that she wasn't feeling well and didn't tell Harry," Ginny huffed.
"Or they planned to get these two under the same roof," Pansy smirked and pointed to Hermione and Severus.
"Always saying the quiet part out loud, love," Ron sighed.
"That's why you love me," Pansy smiled and rubbed her swollen stomach.
Hermione cleared her throat. "So, do you still plan to do the advocacy program three months after Jeffery is born?"
Pansy nodded. "Oh, yes, of course. It gives us an excuse to find a sitter and spend some downtime together."
"My mum already said she would watch the kids," Ron huffed.
"Yes, well, maybe my mum wants to watch them too, huh? She loves our children and has plenty of things to teach them," Pansy growled with a challenging grin.
Ron was turning red, and Severus swatted his head. "Don't you even dare," he snarled.
Ron winced and rubbed his head. "Alright, alright," he grunted.
Hermione took a step closer to the group and cleared her throat. "I could also help, as well. I won't be participating in any full moons for a bit. Female werewolves are fewer and much farther between."
"Ah, yes, I've been meaning to inquire about that," Severus said, finally addressing her.
"About female werewolves? Why ya wanna know about that?" Ron questioned.
Severus sat up and gazed at the uncomfortable witch. "What is it about witches that makes lycanthropy a less likely result?"
Hermione's cheeks tinted as she licked her lips. "From my research, it shows that witches that are a bit under the full moon tend to reject the virus and succumb to the morbidity portion twice as much as males. I've examined the notes of many cases, and it revealed the possibility of the hormone difference at that time of the month is much of the factor involved," she finished while sitting next to Ginny.
Severus bobbed his head and twitched his nose. "So the chemical change in the blood causes a negative response and doesn't give the virus a chance to take hold of the host."
Hermione batted her curls from her shoulder and nodded. "Yes, actually, that is one of my theories. I've been toying with the concept of seeing if it could be replicated to reduce symptoms during the phases. So far, it's come to a dead-end, but it is a start."
"With mandrake root?" Severus pressed.
Hermione smiled. A genuine smile. "Yes, actually. I was also thinking of possibly adding moonstone and dittany to see if I could manipulate favorable results."
Severus ran his fingers over the stubble on his chin. "No, the dittany might cause aversive symptoms."
"Very true," Hermione agreed and breathed. "I'm not as educated with potions as I probably should be to tamper with it, so I don't have as much follow-through."
The room had disappeared as they had their back and forth. Meeting of the minds and it was Severus's favorite thing about her. All failings, discrepancies, and past was set aside for the same goal each was headed toward.
"I wouldn't mind looking over your notes and assisting in any way I can. It does benefit me if you certify a proper way to manage these symptoms after all," Severus nodded as he straightened his robes.
Hermione cleared her throat and bobbed her head. "I can send them over. It might help you with your research as well."
A teacup went in front of Severus, and with a quick blink, the room came back into view. Everyone else seemed quite enthralled with the conversation and likely for different reasons. Snape glanced over to see Harry smiling as he offered the cup.
"Have a bit of tea, Severus," Harry declared.
Snape took the cup with a nod. "Thank you."
Harry moved over and handed Ginny a cup, but she snatched it with a narrowed expression. "Thank you, husband. Glad to see you actually remembered to give your wife something."
Hermione chewed her lips together and avoided looking at Harry.
"You want some tea, Hermione?"
"No, thank you," Hermione mumbled.
"Let me get you some, love," Ron huffed as he kissed Pansy's cheek.
"You better save your friend from his angry wife and friend. They might string him up by his toes after tonight," Pansy nodded as Ron stood up.
"Come on, mate. Let's check on the kids while we're up," Ron insisted and left the room with Harry.
"That man is in so much trouble when we get home," Ginny growled.
Severus sipped his tea and watched Hermione wince. "I can leave if you prefer," he offered.
"No," Hermione rushed out as she looked at him. "No, it's quite alright. I just," she stopped and breathed.
"Didn't want to see me. I know," he agreed.
"Ginny, help a pregnant witch up the stairs to the loo?" Pansy asked as she struggled to climb from the sofa.
Severus set down his cup and erected it before reaching for the witch. "Let me help you up," he insisted.
"Thanks, Snape," Pansy groaned. "This bugger is getting heavy, and I hope he comes out soon."
Once she was pulled from the couch, Ginny walked over and glanced at Hermione. The animagus waved her off and exhaled. It was a dismissal and signal that she was fine with being left alone with Severus. A small ping of shame entered in his emotions. How far they've fallen from each other…
If you listened the first time, Severus, she wouldn't have been exiled.
Severus breathed and sat down as the witches left the room, leaving the pair alone. Hermione crossed her legs and twitched her nose.
"I didn't want to see you," she finally agreed.
"I know," Snape murmured.
"You were the one to choose a different advocate," Hermione glared.
"I know," he repeated.
"And you were the one who didn't want just to do what was by design. This isn't my fault," Hermione puffed as she raced her fingers through her hair.
"If I took any pleasure in doing to you what someone else attempted to force on you, I would have done it," Severus said with thinned lips.
"That's beyond the point, Severus!" Hermione snapped. "I love you; Merlin fucking knows that!"
His jaw tightened. "I've harmed every person I've ever loved. You were going to be the exception, even if I had to let you go."
"Well, your goal wasn't completed as desired. I'm still bloody hurt by your love," Hermione growled as she stood up.
Severus climbed from the sofa and approached the short witch. "Do you think I revel in your pain? In my own dysfunction, not to love you the way you deserve? Do you find me ignorant or arrogant in my stance? I've done everything I could from the very beginning of this wretched adventure not to put you in harms' way. Even if it meant dissecting my own heart so that you could be free."
"I'll never be free," Hermione sighed as she shook her head.
"I'm a disastrous storm, and you braved it with duty, honor, and love. I couldn't watch you grow eroded by my emotional upheaval for my own benefit. You are the reason I wake up in the morning even to this day," Severus breathed as he glanced away from her. "Even if you despise me. I only wanted to explain myself so that you understood that I know I comprehend the potency of our separation."
"Don't you get it? Don't you see it after all of this? I don't care about the storm nor the bullshite moods you have, Severus. I never once threw them in your face or shamed you for them. I wanted you and all of you, which is a big bloody task, but you know what? I loved you that much more for it! I was willing to cast it all aside and live in my truth; I wanted you," Hermione said as she waved her hand and was now turning red.
Snape glanced at her and scowled. Hermione was panting as she stood there with her glare and truth hanging in the air, but he loved her that much more. "And years from now as you stare at the life you led with me at your side. The moments of despondency and frustrations at my lack of control. The idle seconds in the night when you wonder what could have been with someone else. How are you to live through that with my marking?"
She nearly howled as her anger took wing. "You cynical prick, Severus. Years from now, when all is said and done, I would have braved the worst with you, and we would have found it. That spot of contentment that Remus Lupin found in his wretched life. The man who never believed he deserved anything due to his condition found it in the arms of his wife and child because he found his missing piece. If you're so blind not to see that you bloody need me too, well, you're just as hopeless as he was. He told me to never, never let anyone tell me my heart was wrong because logic doesn't outweigh love. Those were the last words he ever spoke to me. A brilliant werewolf who finally understood the meaning to life itself," She finished and swiped away the tears building.
The silence that followed was deep as they breathed and stared at each other. The one thing that changed in the room around them was the teal hair that floated into peripherals.
"Aunt Hermione, you're right," Teddy declared.
Severus pivoted toward the boy and noted him cautiously approaching the pair. Beyond were faces of her family, all looking into the potent moment of theirs. A fine setting for such a fucked moment. Severus could curse himself for his loose tongue.
Hermione sighed and embraced him. "Oh, my Teddy. Your father taught me so much, but it was about love that his lessons really stuck to my ribs."
Teddy beamed and sighed. "He'd also be so proud of you."
"I know," she kissed his forehead and nodded. "Love isn't perfect, and it doesn't ring bells or sing a chorus of naive joy. It's work and growth and pain, but it is always worth it. You're proof of that."
Teddy released his hold and glanced at Snape before leaving behind the shield of people at the kitchen doorway. Severus twitched his nose and returned his vision to the witch. Her anger was deflated; that boy was smarter than he appeared.
"Look, I understand why you made the decision you did," Hermione sighed. "I knew we weren't a good fit for advocacy the minute you told me you loved me. I should have found you someone else immediately, but we make mistakes when we love someone."
"I wouldn't have understood then as I do now," Severus added.
Hermione rocked her head and pulled her hair from her neck. "There isn't much else we can do at this point, Sev. We will become a vacuum of disappointment and codependency in the worst way if we don't keep our distance. I'm trying to survive you," she confessed as she rolled her neck.
"You mean if I don't bite you," he delivered with a blunt tone.
"Yes," Hermione snapped. "Precisely, nail on the head. You won't, so we can't do this again."
He moved to speak, but no words left his mouth. There was such a large portion of him that wanted to kneel and bare his soul to her. He desired the beauty of their echoes within each other. However, to commit to such a monumental statement of permanency was a fearful matter.
"Just forget it," Hermione sighed. "If you want to continue to come to parties and dinners for social interactions, I won't stop you. This is just the last time I want to have this conversation on what could have been if you understood," she finished and moved to leave.
Severus's breath hitched, and he stopped her with a grasp on her arm. "Wait," he whispered.
Hermione scowled up at him. "What?"
His eyes took in the curious faces of her family, and he faltered. "I'm sorry I'm not more like Lupin."
"You're more like him than you know," Hermione sighed and pulled herself from his grip.
Severus watched her disappear around the group, only to be left with the feeling of shame. He moved to the front door and left without a word. What a bugger of an evening. It left him drained and disappointed in himself.
You need her, Severus. She's told you that the whole time.