Chapter 9

Paris, December 25th, 2368

,

He woke with a groan.

The first thing that slowly trickled into his sleepy mind, was the sensation of something soft touching his cheek. He buried his face deeper into it, hugging the soft fabric closer to him. His eyelids felt so heavy. His whole body too groggy to move just yet. His mind slowly started to drift off again, lulled into a comforting embrace by the fresh fragrance that was surrounding him.

Even through his sleepiness he wondered where he was. The fragrance was unfamiliar. He yawned and struggled to open his eyes. His head was hurting. A dull throbbing, the sort that clearly spoke of a hangover. Why was it so hard for him to open his eyes? He pushed his mind slowly further toward consciousness. Ever so slowly, he felt his surroundings becoming clearer.

Bright daylight was filling the room when he finally opened his eyes.

He blinked sleepily, his head still bedded on the bedcover he had hugged in his arms. For a short moment he wondered where he was. The rumpled blue satin sheets were unfamiliar, as were his surroundings. He was in a room with a big window overlooking the snowy ground outside. Warm morning light was slanting in through it, bathing the room in a soft morning glow. He slowly rubbed his eyes. The room was filled with utter silence. It was only when he looked about him, that the memory slowly started to trickle back to him.

René.

The kiss.

The older man dragging him over into his bedroom.

René's lips on his skin.

René's hands on his body.

He blinked. Time seemed to stand still. No, this couldn't be. He looked about him in a daze. But there was no denying it. He was in René's bedroom, wrapped in René's blanket. He felt his heart begin to beat faster as he searched for a memory of what had happened last night. But he couldn't remember. The last thing he was able to recall was how René had walked him to the bedroom. How he had kissed him and stripped him. But there was only darkness after that.

Julian sat up, hugging the bedcover protectively around his trembling body.

What had happened after that? His mind desperately worked to dredge up more details, but he just couldn't remember. He must have blacked out. He only remembered René laughing at his weak resistance. René's hand pressing down hard on his mouth, muffling his terrified screams. His words promising him that he wouldn't hurt him, that everything would be over soon.

He took another look at the rumpled sheets around him, took in the fresh fragrance of the sheets mixed with René's aftershave – and felt his stomach turn. His trembling grew more intense.

What had René done to him?

With unsteady hands, he untangled himself from the bedcover. With dismay he noticed that he was only wearing his shorts and that the rest of his clothes lay strewn over the room in a fashion that prompted wild associations with last night's events.

"No," he whispered under his breath, refusing to believe what he saw. Unsteadily he climbed out of bed. This couldn't have happened. It just couldn't.

He'd spent the night in René's bedroom. He only needed to have a look around to know what had happened after he'd lost consciousness. And he felt sick. He felt so sick that it was all he could do to pick up his clothes that lay strewn over the floor with trembling hands one after another, putting them on at random without allowing his mind to paint a vivid picture of what René had done to him while he was unconscious.

"No, I don't want this. Please."

He felt his cheeks flush with humiliation, shame burning through him as he tried to block out the memory of how he had begged René to stop. Of how the older man had ignored his pleas and pinned him down onto the bed to take what he wanted. How his lips had run over his shivering skin.

"Relax, Julian, it'll be over soon."

With trembling fingers, he put on his shoes, grabbing his shirt next. Julian dressed as quickly as he could, fumbling awkwardly to button up his shirt, stumbling away from the bed and almost tripping over a chair. When he'd somehow managed to dress, his eyes strayed again to the bed with its rumpled blue sheets and he consciously had to make an effort not to vomit.

He stumbled into the other room. He half expected to see René sitting at his desk, only waiting for him to wake up to torment him again. But to his great relief, his study was empty. He hurried out of the room without another look back.

It must still be early in the morning, for the corridors of the mansion were still deserted. Where laughter and music had filled the air the evening before, and a festive Christmas atmosphere had hung in the air, it was now only silence that greeted him. Julian hurried down the broad flight of stairs to the first floor. And almost bumped into someone.

"Mr. Bashir?"

It was a maid, with a fresh stack of towels, who'd crossed his way.

"I-I'm sorry," he stammered. "I-I didn't see you."

"Is everything okay?" she asked with a worried frown and Julian turned away quickly before she could see the horror that was written all over his face.

"W-Where is Palis?" he tried nonchalantly. And hoped that she wouldn't notice the shakiness of his voice. The last thing he needed right now was to inadvertently bump into his girlfriend.

"She's still asleep upstairs," the maid said. "They said you'd been called away by an emergency last night."

"Y-Yes," he stalled, "I-I need to get back to the hospital. I-I'm sorry."

And with that he all but fled from the mansion. He was dimly aware that she was calling him back that he forgot to take his coat with him, but he didn't stop, breaking into a desperate run as soon as he was out of the door.

He ran as fast as his legs would carry him. Unshed tears of anger and shame burned behind his eyes and he fought them down, desperately trying to keep his mind from thinking. He ran until his lungs were burning from the cool air, and his heart was beating so fast that he feared he might just black out. He didn't want to think. He didn't want to feel.

His heart was beating up into his mouth and his legs felt wobbly and shaky from the long run when he finally arrived at this apartment. He tumbled into the room, slammed the door shut behind his back and leaned heavily against it. His legs gave way and he slid down to the ground, wrapping both arms around his knees and hugging them close. He was shaking all over. From the cold as much as from fear. And he couldn't think. His mind was captured in an icy horror and it was all he could do to suck in shallow breaths, waiting for the burning in his lungs to lessen.

Hugging his knees tightly, he just sat there, at a complete loss what to do. He was unable to think beyond the simple fact that his career was over. That his life was over. He buried his face between his arms, shaking violently.

There was no way he could tell Palis what had happened. What her father had done to him. He couldn't tell anyone from the hospital either. Oh god, if anyone found out what had happened between him and René last night…

He didn't know what to do. He didn't know what to do. He didn't…

He scrambled up from the floor, moving over to the desktop computer interface. It took him three tries to dial the right number with his shaking hands but then the computer gave a little beep, and the connection was established. And finally, the person on the other side answered the call.

"Julian? What… what happened?" Marin asked with a worried frown as she bent closer toward the monitor, still blinking sleepily as if she had just gotten out of bed.

"Marin… I-I'm sorry," Julian stuttered awkwardly, at a complete loss of how to start. He only knew that he needed her right now. "I-I didn't want to wake you. I know, it's the middle of the night but… I-I… I don't know what to do." He said, the words tumbling out of his mouth like a dam bursting.

Marin's eyes widened. "Julian, what's wrong? Is it about Palis? Is she okay?"

He rubbed at his eyes and shook his head. "No… I mean yeah… she… she's okay." If he could just bring some order into his tumbling thoughts. He felt as if something was clutching at his heart, making it so hard to breathe. He closed his eyes and tried to force his heartbeat to calm down, but to no avail.

"Marin, I… I don't think I can put up with this any longer," he said weakly. He could feel tears forming in the corner of his eyes and it took him every shred of willpower to not break into tears in front of her. Still, his heart was racing, and he felt as if he didn't get enough air.

"Julian, where are you? Are you home?" Marin on the other side urged, her voice full of concern. He couldn't bring up more than a nod, but it must have been enough for Marin as she looked at him sternly and said: "Get over to the replicator and get some water with ice. Now!"

For a second, he didn't understand. But then his medical mind kicked in. He was having a panic attack. That was why he couldn't think straight and why he felt as if his whole world was coming down on him. Marin probably knew and did the only right thing. He knew that he was still shaking violently when he got up to get some water from the replicator. Still, he managed to bring it over to the computer interface without spilling anything.

"Now drink," Marin commanded as he sat back down in front of the computer. He didn't think. He just downed the ice water in one go. It burnt his throat and made a stab of pain shoot through his head, but it managed to shock him back to his senses. He swallowed. But breathing gradually became a little easier.

"So now tell me, Julian, what's wrong? What happened?" Marin urged again. "Did Palis and you have a row?"

"It's not Palis. It's… It's René Delon, her father," Julian finally said, and he felt so sick even speaking his name. Images from last night whirled back into his mind but he tried his best to block them out. "He's sick, Marin. I've never met a sicker person in my life." His voice almost broke. "He's a bastard. He's evil and cruel and sadistic and…" He wanted to say so much more, so much more how much he hated that bastard. But he couldn't. Because it was a feeling of hopelessness above all that came now consuming him. "I… I don't think I can do this any longer. Marin, I need to get away from here."

"Julian, wait! I don't know what happened, but don't rush things. It's December. We still have another three months to go. You can't quit the medical training now. If you quit now, you won't be permitted to the medical finals. Whatever you do, promise me you won't do anything stupid!" Marin looked at him aghast.

"Marin, I can't…" he whispered miserably. He knew that she was right. He knew that he would throw away everything he'd worked for so hard. If he didn't complete the medical training, he wouldn't be admitted to the medial finals. He wouldn't get his license. But he didn't have a choice. After what had happened last night, he wouldn't be able to go on with his training. He'd never be able to look into René's eyes again without seeing the lustrous and self-righteous look he'd worn last night.

"Julian, what did he do? What happened?" Marin's alarmed voice brought him back from his thoughts.

Julian avoided her worried gaze. His cheeks felt hot with shame. "Can… can we meet?" He couldn't tell her over commline. He wasn't even sure he'd be able to in person.

"Of – of course! I have to be back to work in four hours and I have to assist at some surgery this afternoon, but I'll beam over as soon as I'm done here. I promise! Do you think you can hold out until then?"

Julian closed his eyes and swallowed. He felt his tears threaten to overflow. "Y-yeah… I guess I can manage…"

"Can you stay away from Mr. Delon until then? Do you have to work in the hospital today?"

"No," he whispered. "I have the day off…"

Marin nodded. "Good. I don't know what happened but try to stay out of Mr. Delon's sight. I'll be there with you as soon as I can."

"Thank you, Marin," he said, wiping desperately at his eyes.

"We'll figure it out, Julian, I promise! I'll see you tonight! I'll be there as soon as I can!"

When the transmission ended, he kept staring at the black screen for several seconds. Then he got up, carried himself over to his bed and just collapsed onto it. He curled up tightly, hugging his arms around his shivering body. He tried to block out the memory of last night. If only his mind would slip back into that great oblivion where nothing could reach him. Where he was safe from any physical pain. But bits and pieces of last night's events came trickling back to him until his own screams echoed mockingly back in his head.

"Let me go! Don't touch me!"

René's rough hand clamping down over his mouth.

"Sssh, Julian, everything's going to be alright. Don't put up such a fight. You don't want them to hear you and find you like this, do you? Just imagine what Palis would say."

His helpless struggle.

"Sssh, my boy. Relax, I won't hurt you, my dear. You don't have to be afraid."

How he'd crumpled under the pressure.

"Don't… Please… I don't want this. I don't want you. Please… Let me go."

René gently wiping the tears from his face.

"Oh Julian, you're so beautiful when you're distraught like this. But there's no need to cry. I would never do anything to hurt you. Trust me. Now relax."

A sob escaped his throat. A sob from the deepest place of his soul.

It was all too much.

Hot fury mixed with the bitter taste of his own helplessness as he cried and sobbed into the sheets, wishing for everything to come undone. He felt so weak, so humiliated. He hadn't been able to stop René. He'd tried to fight him; he'd tried to resist. But in the end, it had all been useless. As always, René had been one step ahead of him. He'd planned everything in advance. He'd never stood a chance in the first place.

He shook violently, disgusted at René. Disgusted at himself.

Why hadn't he fought harder? Why hadn't he seen it all coming? Why had he allowed René to touch him? He was such a pathetic human being.

He sobbed uncontrollably by now.

He hated René. He hated him with all his heart. That complacent and patronizing bastard. He'd been so desperate to measure up to his high expectations. He'd put up with so much. He'd endured so much during the last months. Because he'd thought that he could manage, as long as he was together with Palis. As long as they had a future together. He'd thought that he would even be able to put up with René if only it meant he had Palis.

But René had managed to destroy all his built-up happiness in only one night.

The future he'd imagined for himself and Palis, everything blown to pieces. René had not only succeeded in destroying him, but he'd also destroyed everything he'd held dear at the same time.

Two months with René was all it had taken to undermine his confidence. Little by little had René managed to play with his emotions, making him feel worthless and doubt his own talents. He'd made him feel incompetent. He'd physically drained him by having him do so much overtime that he barely got the sleep he needed, say nothing of spending time with Palis.

And yesterday, he had managed to destroy Julian's last shred of self-respect.

Julian hugged himself miserably. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't stop crying. He hurt so much. This was all wrong. His whole life was just wrong.

He knew that there was one thing he needed to do. With even more tears rolling down his flushed cheeks, he scrambled awkwardly over to the drawer next to his bed. Inside, he found what he was looking for. With unsteady hands, he grabbed the tricorder and flipped the small device open.

His vision was blurred, and he had to wipe his sleeve over his eyes to clear his vision. Then he punched a series of commands into the tiny device and directed it at himself.

He needed to be certain. If he couldn't remember by himself, there was only one way to tell what had happened between him and René last night. The last thing he remembered was René undressing him, caressing him. And the thought alone made him almost throw up.

His breath caught in his throat when he waited for the scan to finish.

He stared at the result without really seeing it.

No traces of foreign DNA inside his body.

He blinked and checked again. But the results came back the same. There were no traces of another human being's DNA inside his body. He felt a flutter of hope that perhaps René hadn't touched him. That he had played his sick game and left him alone after he'd blacked out. But the small smidgen of hope was almost instantly dashed to pieces by a small voice in the back of his head, reminding him that René was a doctor and would most likely have thought of the possibility that someone would perform a scan later. He had every means to manipulate the results of a tricorder scan. And besides, there were easier ways not to leave traces of one's own DNA in another human body.

None the wiser, Julian flung the tricorder across the room in hot fury but the hot anger in his chest was almost immediately drowned by a despair so overwhelming that it made him curl up again and hug himself. Tears were again streaming down his cheeks as he just lay there, unable to move, unable to think.

He must have fallen asleep at some point because when he woke, he had several messages that were blinking for his attention. Most of them came from Palis. A few were from Marie. He closed his eyes. Of course Palis would be worried. René had probably told her that he was called away for an emergency last night and she hadn't heard anything from him ever since. He thought about sending her a short message that he was okay and that she shouldn't worry about him, but he wasn't able to form more than one sentence, so he finally gave it up.

Instead, he got up, washed his face and went out again.

All the way to the hospital, he felt hollow and numb. He walked the same way, passed the same streets and shops, but it was no longer the same. When he hurried up the broad flight of stairs into the hospital, he was greeted by some of the staff, but he turned away quickly before they could have had a closer look at him and hurried on without saying a word to anyone.

When he arrived at René's office, he half feared that the older doctor was in surgery right now and not in his office. But he was lucky. René was there.

He burst into the office without even knocking at the door. A quick side glance told him that they were alone.

René had looked up from his work at his desk, but when he saw who was standing in the door, a broad, fatherly smile spread across his bearded features.

"What have you done to me!" Julian burst out, unable to endure the smug and arrogant look on the older doctor's face.

René slowly stood up and came around the desk, his smile still perfectly in place. He snorted, as if he found something funny.

"I haven't done anything to you, Julian," he leaned back against his desk. "If you mean last night, I'm old enough to accept No as an answer."

"You're sick! You're fucking sick!" Julian shouted. "You drugged me last night! You brought me into your study to drug me! And then you… you…" The words wouldn't come. He still felt too ashamed to voice what René had done to him.

"Calm down, Julian," René shook his head. "As I told you, I haven't done anything. You were drunk. And I couldn't let you wander around the house in your condition. So I thought it best to let you rest. I admit that I would have preferred that you didn't put up such a fight. As I said, it could have been a pleasurable experience for both of us. But as you so adamantly insisted that I leave you alone, I didn't have much choice…"

Julian shook his head. "I don't believe a word you say." René was toying with him. As always. He was sure of it. That man knew exactly how to manipulate people and how to inflict the most pain with the easiest means.

"You undressed me! You put your hand on my mouth so that I couldn't scream for help."

René arched one brow. "Of course I undressed you. I couldn't let you sleep in your clothes. You were screaming at the top of your lungs. Would you rather anyone had found you in that awkward situation?"

Julian shook his head. "You fucking kissed me!"

"As I said, I'm sorry for that. But rest assured, that the only thing you did last night after you blacked out, was sleep."

René went over behind his desk and retrieved something out of the drawer. It was a data clip. And he handed it over to Julian.

"Here, you can watch for yourself," he said with a smirk.

Julian felt a deep hole open up under him. "You… you recorded everything?" he said in disbelief.

"Watch it and you'll see for yourself," René said as he moved closer to present the clip to Julian.

"NO!" Julian yelled, backing frantically away. "You're sick! You're the sickest person I've ever met!"

"And what will you do about it, Julian?" the older doctor said with a gleam in his eyes. "Will you tell Palis? Will you tell her that you almost slept with her father?" René laughed. "I wonder what she will say if she finds out."

"No," Julian was shaking, his face hot with humiliation. "You drugged me for god's sake. You dragged me into your bedroom. You kissed me and you forced yourself on me! I didn't want any of it!"

René sighed. It was a sigh, half with affection, half with resignation. Like a father would react to the tantrum of his son. It was even worse than if he had denied everything.

"Why are you doing all this to me?" Julian's voice dropped back to a whisper. He was shaking. "Why are you putting me through all this? What have I done to you? Why would you do all this to me?" He didn't understand. He genuinely didn't understand.

René smiled a sad smile, his eyes still fixed on Julian. "You really haven't figured it out yet, have you?"

Julian's shoulders were trembling. He had no idea what René was alluding to.

"Because I love you, Julian. You're the son I never had," René said, and this time he seemed to be serious.

"You wouldn't force your own son to sleep with you, would you?" Julian gave back vigorously.

René laughed again, and Julian felt himself blush even more. "Figuratively speaking. You are not my son. And as I said, I haven't touched you. Not in the way you think."

When Julian kept silent, René went on. "You're an amazing young man. You're talented and I'm sure you'll graduate top of your class. You'll become a brilliant doctor. But there is only so much they can teach you at the Academy. You're not prepared for what will await you after graduation. Honing your skills and learning as much about human and alien anatomy is one thing, but there's so much more to being a good doctor. You have to be able to endure hard times. You have to become resilient. You have to know what your patient is going through in order to feel real sympathy and to have the real will to heal them. They don't teach you this at school. So I took it into my own hands to give you the best education there is. You needed some toughening up."

Julian swallowed hard. "All your talking about feeling your patient's pain… The horseback riding accident, the corazine, my headache after surgery. That was all your work, wasn't it? After my accident, when I was in hospital, you knew that I didn't tolerate lorasine. Did you give me the corazine on purpose?"

René looked him straight into the eye. "I won't give you an answer to that, Julian."

Julian averted his gaze. He closed his eyes, completely at a loss of how on earth he should find a way out of this mess…

"So, I don't see where the problem lies? I have to admit that I do regret that we didn't have the chance to explore our relationship on another level. But as I said, I'm old enough to accept your answer. Now the question is, are you mature enough to move on, too?"

Julian didn't believe his ears. His head snapped up. "W-What?!"

René came slowly closer. "There are only two ways for us to go on. Either you take our little adventure as reason to end our relationship or you move on and complete your medical training at my hospital. In the first case, I'm not sure what Starfleet Medical will say if you show up on their doorstep prematurely to report that you broke off your training. In the latter, you'll do us both a favor and complete your training and move on to graduation."

Julian stared at him in disbelief. "You can't be serious…"

"Well, I am, Julian. You can either tuck your tail between your legs and run back to your school, or you'll have the guts to move on." René was watching him out of impassive eyes. "It's your choice."

He knew that René was doing it again. He knew that he was twisting the truth to make Julian feel guilty for what had happened, to make him take the fault for what René had done. He knew it. And he hated himself that it worked.

When René came closer, Julian backed away. "Don't!" He couldn't bear René's proximity. Everything in him screamed at him to bring as much distance between them as possible.

René arched one brow but didn't comment. Instead, he said: "I need you back at work in two hours. That should be time enough to cool your head off and make a decision."

Julian hated the way the older man was talking to him. The way he was patronizing him, the way he always managed to humiliate him.

"And try to find enough time to shave and get into some fresh clothes," René said as he turned to move back behind his desk as if he was dismissing him.

For a tension-filled second, Julian stared at the older doctor's back. He wanted to shout at him how he dare treat him like this. He wanted to grab him by his shoulder, spin him around and yell at him what the hell he thought that he was doing. He wanted to punch that damn bastard into the face and hurt him as much as he'd hurt him. But instead of doing so, he just stood there, rooted to the spot, shaking with barely subdued fury. Because he knew that it was his only chance to save his career. He had to endure another of René's abusive games, because if he didn't, he'd lose everything. The choice wasn't really his.

Without another word he spun around and stormed out of the door.

And bumped right into Palis.

The young woman looked at him with wide eyes, as if she'd not expected Julian of all people to come rushing out of her father's office. For the fraction of a second, he worried that she might have overheard their conversation but even if she had, there was nothing he could do about it now.

"Julian…" she began, reaching out for him.

But he just flinched away.

"Julian, I'm…" he heard her soft voice and felt tears yet again threatening to overflow. But he was already past her, mumbling a quick "I'm sorry. I'll see you tonight, Palis" with his face turned downwards so that she couldn't see his burning cheeks, before he all but stormed down the corridor, ignoring her worried calls after him.

A few intersections down the road, he let himself drop heavily back against the wall, running his hands over his face. He was stuck in a nightmare. He knew that he should tell someone about yesterday's events. That what René was doing to him was nothing but emotional abuse and blackmail. But he couldn't find a way out. His only chance was to tell Marin tonight. He'd hold out until then. Somehow he'd hold out. She'd know what to do. She always did.

He kept telling himself that he would be fine. And finally, he found enough strength to will himself to move. Like an automaton he went back to his apartment, stumbled into the shower and shaved. He changed into some fresh clothes and after another hour, he headed back to the hospital – just as René had told him.